Dec 30

I feel like my heart just has a mind of its own. I’m trying to calm down. Trying to not overthink and stress. Honestly. But my brain just doesn’t shut off. It just keeps going. 

Jay and I are doing better. I think he’s more worried about me than I’m worried about me. Which is hard to imagine but here we are. We went to one of his meetings today. My brain is so out of it that listening to their stories or share did nothing. Nothing is penetrating into my brain now. Although I think Emma said she hadn’t had dick in 3 years caught my attention 😂 girl same. It was horrible. But now I have this handsome man who put his head between my legs every morning. May not get sex daily but I can guarantee that at least at 95%  

Work. Gah that’s stressing me a bit. Not too much. It is a state job. 

Dec 26th

Today is the late lunch early dinner with his kids. I’m so grateful Jessica is going to be there as well. I’m so nervous about this entire day. I want them to at the very least tolerate me. I’d be even happier if maybe they even liked me. Jay has basically told everyone I’m autistic, I hate that it sounds like an excuse. I know there are times I absolutely hate it but I like parts about it too. 

Yesterday morning when Jay and I were talking… I nearly left. The culmination of the past few days plus all the things I was told from Alexis just compounded my feelings that I was never going to be enough for him. Not now. Not ever. I still have doubts I will be. He’s sees the world so differently than I do but to be fair I did fuck up that day in union square. I’ll take that one for sure. 

What I wasn’t expecting was everything that happened after that. Obviously I decided to stay. The thought of leaving him makes me feel so sick (aside from this constant nausea and gagging) and I let Alexis know I was staying when she went downstairs to do the gifts. 

Alexis jess and I were all downstairs and then Jay comes down. Alexis bolts back upstairs. He talks to me and Jess for a few minutes than decides to confront Alexis. Jess and I could barely hear anything but none of it was good. 

Jay comes back down looking shocked, he’s smiling which was weird to begin with. He tells us the bare minimum to keep Jessica uninvolved and then goes back upstairs. I wanted to follow him but I stayed with Jess playing uno. 

When Jess scalped the 2 gift cards off of me, she was done playing 🙄😂 so I finally went upstairs and he still looked shocked. 

All of it boils down to one thing. He promised that he and Alexis would never make up. Ever. That’s all I care about. 

Christmas eve

 I cannot stop the phrase from repeating... over and over again. 

You do not live here. I guess for me there is always going to be a phrase that just gets stuck but this one, I do not think I can get past this one regardless of what happens going forward. I cannot keep dealing with the threats of my having to move out or to go back home because he did make it clear last night that this was not my home it was his. 

What I hate the most about us... honestly... I am so in love with him. I hate it and I know I will tolerate anything and everything.

Dec 19

This period is something else. I’m bleeding so much more than I think I’ve ever… and my lower back is killing me. 

If there is one thing I love about him is that he’s as physically attracted to me as I am to him. For whatever reason this morning he couldn’t handle seeing my nipples. He kept covering me up. It was cute and enticing. Typically he doesn’t notice me adjusting my bra but today he was all over me when I did. 

He is also more than willing to wait while I get ready and put some makeup on. In fact now he insists on it. Which is new for me. Not that I mind. I’m usually trying to just get out the door much less change my appearance at all. But if he’s willing to wait then I’m always willing to do my makeup. It’s nice for him and for me to push me to do it. 

His Christmas gift came in. I love the way it looks, personalized hat. He also likes it so there’s that. 

Of course tomorrow is my crown appointment finally so I’m pretty much in a panic now and trying to keep calm. 

Dec 18

I’m sitting here. Downstairs. Eating rice bbq pork noodles and staring at a mail package full of new satin boxers for Jay. Watching him walk around in boxers I’ve picked. Ones that I choose. I don’t know why that makes me even more feral for him. There is something so intoxicating knowing while we’re out that he’s wearing those satin boxers. Sliding over his skin. Caressing him. I have NEVER been so physically attuned to someone. 

The craziest part about our relationship… the part that makes this seem so unreal is how Jay goes out of his way to please me. Finding new ways to pleasure me. He treats me like I’m an assignment he has to get perfect. The more he gets to know my body the more addicted I am to his touch. I’m on my period and I’m still fantasizing about his touch. 

Daily… I mean every day I look at him still. Amazed. I’m shocked by how much I love him. How much I’m in love with him. How easy it was to fall in love with him. By texting alone. How is this my life??? How did I end up with someone so perfect for me… in every way possible. His possessiveness drove me crazy before but now? I love it. How territorial he is. How I know at any moment of the day he’s thinking of me if I’m not there with him. I’ve never been with someone as dedicated to me as Jay has always been. Note that I’m older I can appreciate it for exactly what it is. His need to keep me safe and protected. SMH. He woke up… realized I was sitting up and was worried something was wrong and then when I reassured him I was fine proceeded to tell me if I need anything to tell him and he’ll get it 🥹 he was out. Completely asleep. No one has ever cared for me like he does. Consistently. 

Dec 16

It’s interesting how a single piece of jewelry can alter the chemistry between two people. 

It’s just a ring

But is it? A wedding ring symbolizes commitment and it’s worn on the left hand because the vein in that finger leads or comes directly from the heart. To me… it’s symbolic of jays commitment to me. Just like the cross I actually picked and purchased for him is a symbol of not only my acceptance of his beliefs (which are vastly different than mine) but that I honor his beliefs and in addition to this is an outward symbol to anyone of my love and devotion to not only him but to us. I’ve never purchase jewelry for anyone like this before but I couldn’t not buy it either. As much as I like the newer cross he purchased I wanted something closer to a style I personally prefer. 

Okay so back to his ring. It’s in a single word stunning. It’s not over the top and it’s simple yet complicated. He got my princess cut and the side baguettes and three round diamonds on each side is perfect. Past present future. Giving me that ring really did change my brain chemistry. It tied me to him in a way I didn’t think possible. I’m already completely and absolutely in love with him, my love reaching depths I never imagined possible but now… I have a physical presentation of his devotion and love for me. I can look down at any moment and remember him asking me to be his wife. Remembering the look of sincerity and happiness he had presenting me this ring he designed. It was that look of happiness… knowing how important that ring was and how much he wanted me to love the ring as much as I love him that changed my entire trajectory and that all my thoughts now are of us. Not of me. But of us. 

He keeps asking if anything changed with the ring and the truth is everything changed. He’s always had my heart my body and my soul but now my brain has shifted about 90 degrees and it’s not me against the world it’s us against the world. 

Don’t get it wrong though. Yes I have the heart beat pendent plus the two bracelets. All of which I love but I’ve never received a ring that I didn’t pick personally and never one with as much time and effort as Jay put into this one. So for those reasons this one resonates differently than any other piece I’ve ever been given. 

He and I of course are going to continue arguing over the wedding and the plans. We are both so different in some ways when it comes to what we see for this wedding. And yes I’m letting him win a few of these as much as he’s letting me win a few of mine as well. Compromise. We’re definitely getting better at it. 

Dec 15

Covid hasn’t been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think I’m almost over it.