Dec 18

I’m sitting here. Downstairs. Eating rice bbq pork noodles and staring at a mail package full of new satin boxers for Jay. Watching him walk around in boxers I’ve picked. Ones that I choose. I don’t know why that makes me even more feral for him. There is something so intoxicating knowing while we’re out that he’s wearing those satin boxers. Sliding over his skin. Caressing him. I have NEVER been so physically attuned to someone. 

The craziest part about our relationship… the part that makes this seem so unreal is how Jay goes out of his way to please me. Finding new ways to pleasure me. He treats me like I’m an assignment he has to get perfect. The more he gets to know my body the more addicted I am to his touch. I’m on my period and I’m still fantasizing about his touch. 

Daily… I mean every day I look at him still. Amazed. I’m shocked by how much I love him. How much I’m in love with him. How easy it was to fall in love with him. By texting alone. How is this my life??? How did I end up with someone so perfect for me… in every way possible. His possessiveness drove me crazy before but now? I love it. How territorial he is. How I know at any moment of the day he’s thinking of me if I’m not there with him. I’ve never been with someone as dedicated to me as Jay has always been. Note that I’m older I can appreciate it for exactly what it is. His need to keep me safe and protected. SMH. He woke up… realized I was sitting up and was worried something was wrong and then when I reassured him I was fine proceeded to tell me if I need anything to tell him and he’ll get it 🥹 he was out. Completely asleep. No one has ever cared for me like he does. Consistently. 

Dec 16

It’s interesting how a single piece of jewelry can alter the chemistry between two people. 

It’s just a ring

But is it? A wedding ring symbolizes commitment and it’s worn on the left hand because the vein in that finger leads or comes directly from the heart. To me… it’s symbolic of jays commitment to me. Just like the cross I actually picked and purchased for him is a symbol of not only my acceptance of his beliefs (which are vastly different than mine) but that I honor his beliefs and in addition to this is an outward symbol to anyone of my love and devotion to not only him but to us. I’ve never purchase jewelry for anyone like this before but I couldn’t not buy it either. As much as I like the newer cross he purchased I wanted something closer to a style I personally prefer. 

Okay so back to his ring. It’s in a single word stunning. It’s not over the top and it’s simple yet complicated. He got my princess cut and the side baguettes and three round diamonds on each side is perfect. Past present future. Giving me that ring really did change my brain chemistry. It tied me to him in a way I didn’t think possible. I’m already completely and absolutely in love with him, my love reaching depths I never imagined possible but now… I have a physical presentation of his devotion and love for me. I can look down at any moment and remember him asking me to be his wife. Remembering the look of sincerity and happiness he had presenting me this ring he designed. It was that look of happiness… knowing how important that ring was and how much he wanted me to love the ring as much as I love him that changed my entire trajectory and that all my thoughts now are of us. Not of me. But of us. 

He keeps asking if anything changed with the ring and the truth is everything changed. He’s always had my heart my body and my soul but now my brain has shifted about 90 degrees and it’s not me against the world it’s us against the world. 

Don’t get it wrong though. Yes I have the heart beat pendent plus the two bracelets. All of which I love but I’ve never received a ring that I didn’t pick personally and never one with as much time and effort as Jay put into this one. So for those reasons this one resonates differently than any other piece I’ve ever been given. 

He and I of course are going to continue arguing over the wedding and the plans. We are both so different in some ways when it comes to what we see for this wedding. And yes I’m letting him win a few of these as much as he’s letting me win a few of mine as well. Compromise. We’re definitely getting better at it. 

Dec 15

Covid hasn’t been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think I’m almost over it. 

Thanksgiving 2023

I’ve had a lot of rough days. Today being yet another one to add to this list. I can barely remember what last year was. Olivia was a year old. Jerrolyn hosted her first thanksgiving Christmas at her house. She was so disappointed because so many family members didn’t end up going. She was so frustrated. 

We were weeks away from the Disney cruise. I was so excited for that. Allan was able to play with Olivia for a short amount of time. Emily got glitter all over the house. 

It’s just so crazy how my life has completely changed. Not only do I not recognize my life now but I never would have imagined it. It just doesn’t seem real. I always feel as if I could lose it all. 

I do wish I could have spent time with Glenn at least. But he was doing his thing and I wasn’t sure if Jay would be okay with me inviting anyone except my kids. But Glenn was cooking already. So that wasn’t possible  but maybe for Christmas? Or something around it. 

Breath. Don’t let jerrolyn get to you. I’m not going to any of her functions until we talk. I’m not going to keep acting like nothing happened, I don’t like the way she handles this every time. It just keeps happening over and over again. 

He just made a popping sound and with his mouth and the walls of my vagina responded? WTH 

November 2nd

The most unique thing about our relationship? I know with no doubt there is NOTHING he wouldn’t do for me. I’ve never felt like that with anyone. Anything I want or need him to do? He’d do it. No questions asked. To be honest I think the more challenging the demand the more he’d get off on it. 

Oct 22nd

If I had to describe us in one word. 

Inseparable. 

I don’t know why I’m so attached to him. Why I feel so incomplete without him. I can’t imagine being without him for hours let alone days. Not sure how I got to this space. Allowing myself to become so dependent on him. 

November 1st

 Wow so much to write about.

Went on the cruise, I would not say it was HORRIBLE but it wasn’t as great as the Disney cruise. It was fun.. lots and lots of sex. One bad moment when I wasn’t feeling well and he thought I was ignoring him. But I thought he was sleeping and I felt like crap. Got a bit seasick… went to Catalina island got golf carts. Loved it… went to Ensenada same thing as December. Got a starbies cup… won $600 at the casino

Disneyland Was amazing. Loved the hotel beautiful hotel.

Went straight to Disneyland after we dropped off our luggage, And got the disability pass from tomorrowland. Went on a lot of great ride, especially the new Star Wars ones. Ate lots of good food out and then went back to the hotel for more sex of course  Oddly enough, Jason’s daughter was there as well but for some reason we just couldn’t link up with her. But we did see Lisa, so that worked.

The next day we went to Disneyland, California adventures went on a bunch of rides, could not find breakfast for him to save my life. Around midday, we left, and went back to the hotel, and hung out in the hot tub loved every moment of it, and of course more sex, he passed out pretty early so I stayed up and watched the fireworks and I could see them through the window of our hotel and it was amazing. The next morning he woke up angry because I didn’t wake him up for the fireworks but I didn’t know he wanted to wake up so too bad. So sad . 

The next day we headed to Disneyland because we were leaving that day back to home and we caught quite a few rides before we had to head out to the airport. Everything was great we ate had lots of amazing things to eat, and to drink and actually the entire Disneyland trip was amazing, better than I would’ve imagined he was hardly ever grouted to your grumpy, so I definitely think we can go back to Disneyland. 

Came back to Sacramento rented a car, a mini Cooper drove back to Vallejo and that was it. That was our vacation. I loved every moment of it even if the cruise was kind of shitty but spending time with him alone focused on us was great it wasn’t quite as intense Monterey, but I don’t think it can always be like that and that’s OK 

So I signed the paperwork for Delta star interviewed for the physician and Vacaville and I am still waiting to hear back. Went to a meeting. Alexis came by and picked up her stitch gift. I think that’s it. There’s not really much else other than Jay, being so excited, I want to casino he wanted to marry me right away, but of course, that disappeared as soon as we got off the boat, which was not a surprise. But at least now when he says when we get married instead of if we get married, so that’s a big improvement.