I feel like I need to keep reminding people my husband died. Don’t forget him!!!!
How could this man… that has so many people love him, and returned that love… still have so much love for me? Allan’s heart was endless. I NEVER felt unloved or unimportant to him. He has so much love to give.
So maybe it’s time to record memories now…
July 1992
When I was nearly 20 my step mother went on a cruise with her sisters. Leaving my dad at home, which he wanted. I had gone to medical assisting school and was working as a MA in a doctors office in Elk Grove. My dad has a heart attack. He went to kaiser but ended up at mercy general. One of the days he was there my friend had her baby… since I was already at the hospital it was easy to visit her. The day she was leaving I was in her room when the transportation tech arrived. Filipino guy with long wavy hair pulled back in a ponytail. I was instantly attracted to him. Once my friends and baby are settled in the wheelchair, we head to the elevator. All of my friends can tell I’m interested in him. But he never once looks my way.
My dad is in the hospital a few weeks… I see the handsome guy every once in awhile. I remember hiding in the lobby and my brothers making fun of me.
Fast forward to
September 1992
My high school friends were inviting me out. Getting me out of the house after a long relationship with my daughters father finally came to an end. I won’t go into too much detail but suffice to say I was safe away from him and he also cheated on me with his now wife. So it worked out in the end… for them.
So I’m at my friends Mayo’s house for a big gathering of our friends. We were lucky, we had a large group of friends, mostly from 2 high schools Elk Grove and Valley high. I hadn’t seen some of these people since I graduated. Then all of a sudden… he’s there!
The guy from mercy.
How? He didn’t go to school with us. Why was here there? Then he looks up and he smiles. These dimples go on for days and I’m lost. He walks up to me. Introducing himself. We talk about how we know Mayo and so on. And I stupidly ask do you work at mercy. He replies yes and I brush it off with a simple oh yeah you look like the guy who helped my friend Melissa and her baby. He explains what he does there, as if I didn’t already watch him a few days at his job.
He asks for my number and I’m silently screaming and celebrating in my head. He came to me. This handsome charming guy came to me.
We were friends for quite a while. Allan had a girlfriend at the time. It was platonic. It was fun. He would go out with me and my girlfriends drinking (he was 21 and could get liquor). I wanted more. I know he wanted more. It just so happened when we finally crossed that line, he didn't lock his front door and his girlfriend started knocking on his door.
He looks at me and says "You didn't lock the door?". I am looking at him incredulously, its not my house.
Kirsten or Kristen I never remember her name, broke up with him after I left.
He called me crying... I was not interested in hearing him cry over another girl. Seriously? I did not take him too serious after this. We continued seeing each other anyways until I was raped by an ex.
The guilt of that happened (which I know, not my fault) but I could not be with Allan anymore. I felt... broken, taken advantage of. And the 1.5 times we had sex was a waste and a mistake.
So I ended things, by not ending things. I just stopped answering his calls.
I would see him from time to time... we were friendly. I think we agreed our relationship had run its course.
I went on to get married and have two kids in a horrible relationship. Unlike my oldest daughters father he was not physically abusive but abusive in EVERY OTHER WAY. Our daughter has no relationship with her dad.
After 15 years, I was ready to leave my husband in 2009.
In the midst of planning I get a message on Facebook, May 5th 2009 Tuesday 1:45am
Hi there jennifer. My name is allan. I don't mean to be a bug. I was just curious if...well I'm almost certain that you and used to hang out back in the early '90's. You and I have a few common friends on facebook. And looking at your profile pic, I'm betting on the fact that it's you. If it's not, well then I'm sorry to have bothered you.
It was at the moment I read this message when I woke up, something like hope sprang up from my heart.
Allan Roy Salaver from my 20s. Someone who I had very much liked. A lot A lot. I replied, told him I was not on messenger much. To call me.
Well he called and we planned on meeting after work at Chili's to hang out. When he walked in, he was different of course, but his smile, his eyes, those dimples, they were all there. Unlike in my 20s I actually fell in love with him. Right there. Right then. He was single, no kids. He did not care that I had kids. He did care that I was leaving my husband. So we took our time... falling in love at our fast pace as older adults do. He had a lot of insecurities, worried I would not want to be with him but I loved him... all of him. How he had not found someone before this is still mind boggling to me.
I got my own place, seperated from my now ex husband and Allan and I began the rest of our lives.
He was sweet and attentive unless there was a movie on or sports. He was busy with his group Eye Eighty and performing. I loved all of it. I loved the members of the group and their significant others. I fit so easily into Allan's friend group it was almost as if I too had known all of them forever.
Months later fast forward to his birthday party which was being hosted by my first friend in Sacramento, Maria/Ton and her husband. On his birthday he asked me to marry him. Less than 4 months after that first date at Chili's. The truth is we knew. We knew without any doubts we were meant for each other and we would make it work.
There was a lot of reservations from his friends... They were worried about his stubbornness his emotions. They were worried he would break my heart. We proved them all wrong. We were a perfect match. We have loved each other over the years so much. We fell into patterns that you get after years of being together... Buying each other's favorite meals. Divvying out the household chores. We had routine. We argued maybe 1-2 times our entire relationship. Did we disagree? yes of course... it was fun. But so very few real arguments is unheard of! Did we occasionally hurt each other's feelings as we navigated through our lives? Of course. He learned how to tell me when I did and I learned to open up when I was hurt.
But then our relationship soured over the years. His depression becoming unmanageable and he unwilling to get or ask for help. We became roommates. I came to resent him and what our life became. I tried to remain optimistic but the truth was, he was eating himself to death. I was not enough for him to heal himself and I was drowning in his depression. If I had been smart I would have left him then, like when I left my mom behind. Instead I stayed because after losing my mom to alcohol I was determined to not be unloved by someone yet again.
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