He is going through so much that I am not sure I am even helping him anymore, I definitely feel as if I am holding him back at times. I know he will say I am being ridiculous and want to know why I feel like that. I guess mostly because my asthma keeps me from doing things... this smoke is killing me. I also can't keep taking the asthma meds... I have never had such bad panic attacks in a long time... I wonder if all of them were related to the damn meds... or maybe just a combination of things for once.
I am glad to be going home for a few days though... I think he needs his own space right now too. Even if he said he was going crazy without me I think we both still need our separate spaces at times, we are only just rolling into 4 months now. For some reason I am in a different headspace and I can stop holding on to him so tight and do my own thing at home. I have enough to do there to keep me busy for weeks at a time. I think I need to chill on these books, they are making freak out over Jay and for what? Christ he would not do any of that stuff.
What do I know? I know this intense man loves me more than I ever imagined possible. I love his intensity even though sometimes it does terrify me not in like he is violent but just how intent he is on me. On us. I have never had someone like this. I honestly think my freak out was over what he said that night in SF and he has already apologized for that, we were both in a bad spot and we both said things we did not mean. I also came crawling back to him with my tail between my legs. It was for the better, I need to learn how to swallow my damn pride for him and admit how much I not only need him but I love him and I am willing to be different. I have never done anything like that before. I have never driven in the middle of the night begging to be let back in someone's life. I did come back like a damn boomerang... we were both wrong and it was okay that I was the one that gave in first. I can be the one to give into him and be the guppy and beg for him. I have never begged for someone before. For Jay, I will learn to be this person. Learn to be vulnerable and ask for forgiveness and for his love. I can also be strong at the same time... but yeah this particular book is really fucking me up for someone reason. I am done with it. I think it is just too triggering.
Jay did tell me something off putting last night but said he also believed me. To not accuse someone of rape unless I meant it... Oh and I meant it with Gonzo. And Florencio definitely forced himself on me. He did not rape me but if he thought he could get away with it, he would have. The stuff he said about Randy too... geez. I never knew how serious all of that was. Of course Allan and Zsa pretended like the charges did not happen. Sorry folks I cannot just forget them as if it was a weird fever dream. Allan's family is just too toxic for me to deal with. I guess the truth is that at this point I am just over it and them, I mean there is only his siblings left and its only a matter of time before those relationships self implode anyways and I do not want to be taken down with them. I really need to reconsider all of my friendships and as much as I love Maria, her drinking is really becoming a problem for me. I cannot be around anyone like that. it reminds me too much of my mom and HELLO she has an autistic son who needs her and here she is getting drunk all the time and passing out???
