Sept 29th

His death anniversary came and went. 5 months now. I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. It’s hard to remember life with him. 14 years. Is that just how my brain copes ??

I’m glad I’ve been able to pull back on Jay. The whole gripping on too tightly? Fine. I’ll let go with both hands then I’m not with you. I can and will do my own things. I’m more independent then he realizes. 

I can’t believe I’m sitting here and wishing I was home. He’s sick. Not feeling well and I want to be here for him in some capacity but I’m also just not feeling this anymore. I can’t believe this happened but I think when he told me I was being too clingy… so I pulled back and now I’m completely disengaged. He’s so sick he doesn’t even realize it yet. He has all of his friends. I’ll stick this out and get him through this month but I’m really going to need to deep dive into this in November and if it’s done let him go. He hasn’t touched me once. Which means I’m not talking. You give me what I ask. I give you what you need.