Oct 15th

Lmao. We tried to go without sex until the cruise. We didn’t even make it 2 days. But the foreplay?? Omg. I’ve never been more turned on. 

I know at the beginning of a relationship sex is a priority. I don’t feel like that’s what it’s going on with Jay and I. I love the connection I feel to him physically when he’s deep inside of me. Yes I love the orgasms too but it’s more of being his. When he’s in me I feel as if my body is his. I know our sex is getting better. I know we want our sex to keep getting better. My body craves him in ways I’ve never imagined and he goes out of his way to fulfill me

Oct 14th

I really hate being apart from him. I miss him so much. I really feel as if I’m missing a part of me. 

Oct 12

The day Jay was released from the hospital… he made love to me so hard. It was truly the best sex. Ever. 

Since then and me opening up.  It’s not only gotten better but way more often. I got him three or four times today. He’s just so into me right now. I love it and him 

He bought me a bracelet. I was so shocked by his choice. It’s an id bracelet. I put his name. Jason. I can’t wait to wear it. 

We went to Monterey. Geez. We’ve been so busy! 17 mile drive. Whale watching. Sex. It’s been so great. 

Oct 9th

The truth is I’m just as crazy over him as he is of me. 

I hate to admit how psycho I can be. How possessive how jealous

October 7th

He was manic for all of 30 minutes and then plunged back into the depressive mode and he has a stomach ache... again. Its weird he has had it since he went out to that dinner at the chinese restaurant. It can't be that its been over a week already. He is back to rocking a lot. He had a few days without it... but he definitely is back into this mode. To be honest, I feel so overwhelmed with all of his medical issues. I am not sure how Rachel handled all of these when he was even worse. I think the hard part is that I definitely feel helpless... helpless in every possible way. So I am frustrated, I just sit here and watch him suffer. It is breaking me, my heart. I think maybe if I say this out loud to him it will help me... because this is simmering under the surface. I want to cry all the time when I see him in these modes... and I shut down because how can I cry about something he can't control! He would hate it and not like it if I said this but how do I not?

Well we are here at the ER. Grumpy is an understatement. I’m trying so hard to not take it personally but yeah… when I snap at him he’d lose it if I did this to him. “Common sense”? Boy did I want to flash back but no. Breath through it and let him be an asshole

He’s being admitted. Pancreatitis. Christ. Explains why he’s been such an asshole lately. He was trying to leave when I finally came into the room. Looking for a nurse and trying to get dressed. I honestly think I knew when he’d reached his limit. But the good news is… he was sweet to me and even said he wasn’t mad at me. But then the doctor trying to convince him to stay explained what was wrong with him and he is staying. Omg. I just about fainted. I’ve been tearing up off and on. But this isn’t serious and he’s staying. I’m sure it’ll clear up quickly. He’s only been in pain a week. But it was definitely getting worse. They did sedate his ass. 😂😂😂 he was super grouchy from not being able to vape but thank the gods he’s in a better mood and they got him some patches. 

When they asked who I was I said and he laughed and said I need to get you a ring huh? Yes. Please. :) so that made me happy overall but I’m sure he’ll forget that. But I’m his. He’s mine. And I’m so glad his ahitty attitude was due to pain and that’s getting resolved. I need him. God I need him more than I’ll ever admit. I can’t live without him. 

September 24th

So I mentioned to Jay about Ria asking if he was being physical with me. I honestly did not want to mention it but it was eating me up on the inside. Seriously… It was consuming so much of my thought processes. Why would she even say that? I have never one said anything about  Jay even remotely hurting me. Sure he and I get heated… for sure. Am.I used to that? No… Hell Allan could yell for hours and we all learned to just ignore him. If Allan was anything he was way into over acting, that’s why at the end I ignored him completely. I was so used to everything being a big fuuking deal with Allan that it got to the point where NOTHING was a big deal anymore. Which sucks… 

Kris R texted me… made me start bawling. Someone I barely know and I replaced him at work and he cares about me more than people I have known over a decade. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Makes me just want to let go of all the people I knew before through Allan. The truth is they only cared about me because of him, without him, I am persona non grata. Which is fine, I guess. It makes me sad… I can’t pretend it does not. But its not like I did not know this was going to happen. To be fair sometimes I could barely stand some of them anyways. New friends… Ugh… Do I even want to bother? How am I going to find people like me here in Vallejo? Loves to read… loves TikTok’s. Widowed mother? Yeah right…. Maybe just mother of adult kids and skip the widowed part. 

September 25th

 I know something is going on with him... I get the depressive mode of his bipolar... then a call from his in laws. Not that I mind... hell if Allan's mom was alive I would jump anytime. Not going to pretend I do not miss Allan's mom. I swear my life would be so different if she were here. I know I would not have had to reach out to Jay at all, that's scary to consider.