October 7th

He was manic for all of 30 minutes and then plunged back into the depressive mode and he has a stomach ache... again. Its weird he has had it since he went out to that dinner at the chinese restaurant. It can't be that its been over a week already. He is back to rocking a lot. He had a few days without it... but he definitely is back into this mode. To be honest, I feel so overwhelmed with all of his medical issues. I am not sure how Rachel handled all of these when he was even worse. I think the hard part is that I definitely feel helpless... helpless in every possible way. So I am frustrated, I just sit here and watch him suffer. It is breaking me, my heart. I think maybe if I say this out loud to him it will help me... because this is simmering under the surface. I want to cry all the time when I see him in these modes... and I shut down because how can I cry about something he can't control! He would hate it and not like it if I said this but how do I not?

Well we are here at the ER. Grumpy is an understatement. I’m trying so hard to not take it personally but yeah… when I snap at him he’d lose it if I did this to him. “Common sense”? Boy did I want to flash back but no. Breath through it and let him be an asshole

He’s being admitted. Pancreatitis. Christ. Explains why he’s been such an asshole lately. He was trying to leave when I finally came into the room. Looking for a nurse and trying to get dressed. I honestly think I knew when he’d reached his limit. But the good news is… he was sweet to me and even said he wasn’t mad at me. But then the doctor trying to convince him to stay explained what was wrong with him and he is staying. Omg. I just about fainted. I’ve been tearing up off and on. But this isn’t serious and he’s staying. I’m sure it’ll clear up quickly. He’s only been in pain a week. But it was definitely getting worse. They did sedate his ass. 😂😂😂 he was super grouchy from not being able to vape but thank the gods he’s in a better mood and they got him some patches. 

When they asked who I was I said and he laughed and said I need to get you a ring huh? Yes. Please. :) so that made me happy overall but I’m sure he’ll forget that. But I’m his. He’s mine. And I’m so glad his ahitty attitude was due to pain and that’s getting resolved. I need him. God I need him more than I’ll ever admit. I can’t live without him.