September 24th

So I mentioned to Jay about Ria asking if he was being physical with me. I honestly did not want to mention it but it was eating me up on the inside. Seriously… It was consuming so much of my thought processes. Why would she even say that? I have never one said anything about  Jay even remotely hurting me. Sure he and I get heated… for sure. Am.I used to that? No… Hell Allan could yell for hours and we all learned to just ignore him. If Allan was anything he was way into over acting, that’s why at the end I ignored him completely. I was so used to everything being a big fuuking deal with Allan that it got to the point where NOTHING was a big deal anymore. Which sucks… 

Kris R texted me… made me start bawling. Someone I barely know and I replaced him at work and he cares about me more than people I have known over a decade. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Makes me just want to let go of all the people I knew before through Allan. The truth is they only cared about me because of him, without him, I am persona non grata. Which is fine, I guess. It makes me sad… I can’t pretend it does not. But its not like I did not know this was going to happen. To be fair sometimes I could barely stand some of them anyways. New friends… Ugh… Do I even want to bother? How am I going to find people like me here in Vallejo? Loves to read… loves TikTok’s. Widowed mother? Yeah right…. Maybe just mother of adult kids and skip the widowed part.