Mistake #2 was not forcing you to make an appointment with you doctor. But it really sounded like a cold/flu. You even tested for Covid and that was negative.
Mistake #3 was watching you on the cameras. Seeing how sick and barely responsive you were. Not seeing that you really needed to go the doctors and stat. Nope. What did I do? Nothing. Knowing you couldn’t even sleep laying down anymore. Again. Thinking it was just a cold/flu.
Mistake #4 when I finally called 911 thinking it was pneumonia and thinking the leg numbness was just you overreacting like usual. Once you’re in that room… I dunno. I just didn’t think it was so serious and I kept telling you, you would be fine. I stayed until I made sure you were settled in. I went home. Showered took a short nap and Jessica and I went back. I made sure that you had something to eat and when you asked if I was coming back that night. I said no.
Mistake #5 I went to work the next day and by the time I got to the hospital you were intubated. I should have been there. I wasn’t.
I knew. I knew you weren’t going to recover. You could barely handle a paper cut but all this??? You were physically weak and not in good health anyways. So for several days… they did look for surgeons to operate on your heart but your weight 426 pounds? Operating tables can’t manage that weight.
5 things that I did. 5 things I can’t take back. 5 things I can’t change. 5 things that may not have caused your death but definitely didn’t help. Could you have done things differently? Yes. You knew how bad it was. You said you knew you were going to die. I didn’t hear you say that. Jessica did. And I had no idea… you could make an appointment. You worked from home. You had time. Hell you even took time off to be sick.
Your birthday came… and it went. I spent it with Jay. He helped me stay distracted… I couldn’t really harp or think about any of it. Like he says I’m hiding behind him but I’m really not. Not all the time. Just on the big days. To get me through. So things don’t get super dark.
They celebrated you and your birthday. I’m sorry I couldn’t go. You of all people know how your sister is. We’d gotten into enough arguements I could not do anymore of it. She is headstrong and I wanted her to do things her own way. That’s okay. I don’t mind her doing things her way. She is your sister. I was your wife. But now I’m just your widow and in a new relationship.
Did you send him to me? Or send me to him? The turmoil we are going through right now… I know it’s going to take work. I didn’t think it’d be a cake walk. It never has been with Jay but I also know I need to start standing up for myself too. He definitely is worth it to me. I do hope both of us taking a short break… will help us build back to something stronger. Or it’ll prove that this isn’t going to work. I’m not sure. I love him so much and I want to start bawling but it’s not worth it because it won’t change anything. I know how much he hates me crying. I can cry over you but not him.
I knew I’d have to do this eventually. One day. Sit here and write out all the things I’d do differently. But I also know that you could have done something too. This isn’t all on me. I tried. I know I tried. I didn’t want you to die. I may have just been… living and not thriving but I did not want you to die. I don’t think I ever would have left you… it would have devastated you. Not that I did not consider it. I did. A lot. But I couldn’t do it. You loved me unconditionally and even though I loved you… I was not in love with you at the end. I could barely stand to be near you. Hearing you call me by my full name I think you too were seeing that we were just coexisting. I’m sorry you’re not here for your birthday. I hope the memorial was everything you thought it would be. I can do small things to remember you but these big events, they just aren’t my thing. They never were.
I really hope you sent me to Jay. I know I need him and I need to figure out my side of things. I know he loves me. I know we’re not done but we have to talk this out. Maybe at a park. Somewhere neutral. Not at his house. Not in private.
It’s weird. Is Kaiser the place where I talk to you? You were my best friend. Until you weren’t. I know I resented you so much at the end. I’m sorry for that. I can’t change anything. But I think I’m ready to accept your sudden dying. I can definitely feel a shift in me. I think I needed to get past the memorial. Letting some of your family go. They can’t and won’t accept that I’ve
moved on…
You lived a wonderful life. Truly. You were surrounded by family and friends. They all love you so much and miss you. I still miss you in my own ways. I try to remember what our lives were like before our marriage soured. We had good times. Not all of it was bad. I’m sure you’re happy to be with your mom and step dad. Sorry. In my head he’s just not your dad. Maybe I did push the grief away. But even though I wish things had played our differently I’m not going to let the guilt get to me anymore. I’ll still be sad when I hear others stories, it’ll remind me of your story and your sad ending. You shouldn’t have died so young but you did. I can’t change it. I think it’s okay to wish it had played our differently but I’m ready to accept this is where our story ends and my story with Jay begins. The memorial is over, it’s time to focus on Jay. Making this work. Because I know when we are amazing we are. It’s navigating all the rough patches. So here I am… being pyscho in Vallejo. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like I’ve lost my mind to be honest. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m going to feel really stupid when he ignores me but I’m going to put every effort into this and him.
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