May 31st, 6 weeks

 I cannot believe I have not wrote anything in so many days... I guess I am finally finding ways to keep myself busy

This past weekend I went with Lisa and Patrick to the mid town farmers market. This is the second time I have gone, the first time was the day before our wedding anniversary. I wish you and I had gotten a chance to go. I think you would have liked it. Especially the food trucks, the dim dum lady was there. I bought more potstickers, I think they will be good for a quick dinner when I do not feel like cooking which is more often than not. Then we ate at Pancake Circus which absolutely reminds me of you. 

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to live somewhere that does not remind me of you? Would it be easier? Harder? Sadder? I can't imagine leaving the home we bought together. I get anxiety at even the thought of it.

Sunday I went with Cary, Ria, Em and Lisa to see the Little Mermaid. That I would have forced you to go to. I only thought of you once or twice during the entire movie. 

Yesterday I went to my boss to ask for a small raise... he flat out said no. Then gave me all kinds of shitty advice. I know you would be so angry if you heard it, so I signed the document confirming my interest in working for the state which was always the plan. Even when you were alive. I wanted to be able to work from home and spend more time WITH you. Side by side. I love you so much... I hope you realize this. Even with the pay cut I will make it work. I hate where I am especially after the shitty way he treated me. I know you are somewhere telling me to get the hell out of here. Especially since I have a state job lined up. I hear you. 

I turned off your phone and the second phone, looking for ways to save money over all. Which is fine... almost $500 later but I know I will be saving a lot more than that in the long run.

So we are planning the trip to Hawaii... I am excited. Taking your ashes to the spot you requested. Diamond Head. I am not even sure you knew what you were asking of me when you said it... but here I am planning for it anyways, even with my funky heart and blood pressure. Jessica and Lisa will be working out with me now. 25 flights of stairs Allan, 25 flights. You complained about 1! Lisa, Zsa, Randy and the kids. I will pay for Randy's flight. 

15 weeks... I have 15 weeks to get to that. So I have to build up my endurance basically 2 flights a week. 3 days a week I have to work out. 

I am going to stuff as much of you as I can in that container so that there is less that the kids have to deal with when you go with me. Yes I made an executive decision. You are, at least part of you will be with me at Coyote Point. Sorry but you left me and I get to make all the decisions. To be honest, what's new? I always made a lot of these major decisions for us. I love you silly rabbit. I want us to be together, forever. In case I have not said it... I love you. I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you so much that every part of my soul aches for you. I am trying to keep living. 

I should reach out to your friend Pearson. I hope he is doing okay. I did not know he had a problem with alcohol. He scares me a bit. I feel like he will be joining you sooner than later and I barely know him so I would not even know if he did pass. Are you the one putting this idea in my head? I texted him. I hope he is okay. You know you can do that whenever you need to. I may not like it much but I get it. 

I am still confused by that big bag of dirty clothes by your side of the bed... You did not even wash them that weekend. Were you really that sick? I know you took the time off, you were taking all the niquil you could get your hands on. What did we even do that last weekend? I remember watching you on the cameras... so confused and just sitting there. WHY IN THE HELL DID NOT YOU NOT TELL ME TO TAKE YOU TO THE ER? Why did you think you disappointed me? That plays over and over in my head... FUCK! I should have done everything so differently. 

I miss your emotional outbursts... I miss taking care of you... I miss you just fucking BEING THERE. How is this my life? THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! HERE ALLAN you promised me 30 years!!! It was ONLY 12. I am so mad at you sometimes I can barely breath much less cry. 

I just read something... that made me think. I know you would want me to continue to keep living. Even though ALL I want right now is for a huge truck to hit me and take me out of my misery. I am really working hard to get everything prepped for the kids, in case I die. Which is hopefully sooner than later, but like I told my doctor I am not suicidal per se, but if I got sick I would not fight it... part of me does not even want to take the heart medication... just let it happen. Is it that bad I want to be where ever you are even if I do not believe you are anywhere? Like if you were here... or in heaven or somewhere would you not reach out to me? Would you not do EVERYTHING you could to prove to me you are there? Loving me still... being there in the ether?

There is a part of me, that is holding on to the belief that you are somewhere. That you exist waiting for me. Because if you're not, what the hell am I even doing here? Once everything is in mine and Jessica's name, house, bank accounts, cars... I do not need to be here. She will inherit everything and once I am working for the state she will have my life insurance. She can survive on that for years... So that... I guess that's my plan. I would like to live long enough to collect your social security when I am 60. 9 years and 57 days. 

It has been 6 weeks. 6 long torturous weeks. 

Wherever you are...

Do you count my tears?

Do you see the times I cannot get out of bed?

Do you know I search for you every night and every morning?

May 27th

One month

I’ve survived one month without you 

I did not want to. With my rare heart condition I’d hoped I would not. 

But I need to get Jessica set up for success. My heart is still breaking. It’s so surreal to me. The pain of losing you. I’m searching for connections… in every possible way. You love me. I know you do. I’m your password!!! We are your passwords. Your kisses. Your touches. I fucking know you love me. I have NEVER doubted you but now I am???

Why? What is wrong with me. I miss you so much. The ache inside of me so intense. I never thought I could be this sad. I thought losing my dad was the worst. Or even my grandmother but Allan. This is so much worse. I want to die. I’m hoping I die. I don’t want a life without you. This was not what our lives were supposed to be. 

It was me and you. Handling our lives. Day by day. Soon it would have been just you and me. I was looking forward to it. We never got there. 

May 26th

I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep without you. 

One month. Tomorrow. 

47 days… since I last talked to you   Held your hand. Said I love you. 

I miss you in every way possible. I love you so so very much. 

All the could have should have would have. The what if. 

Rehashing them over and over again. What if you’d gone on the first when Zsa begged you. Why didn’t I just force the issue. But I did. I called her. She showed up. 

May 25th

 I think I have accepted that I will never, not miss you. 

I am dreading your one month anniversary but to be honest, the 10th of the month is the real one for me. The last time I saw you, held your hand. The last time you said I love you, last time you called me mama. 

There is not a single moment of that day I do not regret. 

I wish I had stayed I wish we had talked I wish so many things... 

May 24th

 I think anyone, widow, widower even significant other, when their person passes away, if that person meant something to them, in their grief they lose their identity. 

So let me explain, when you live with someone and they are part of your day to day routines, losing them suddenly, unexpectedly means that your entire life changes, has to change. 

It can be something as small as the sharing of chores and can be as big as now being a sole provider. Regardless of how your routine changes, it changes, in an instant. Your brain, in all of its wisdom goes into a downward spiral as it not only copes with the loss of that person but also the change in your routine. The loss is then prevalent in any and every way, making the grief so much more difficult to manage. You just want to crawl under the covers and cry, but you cannot, because you have to figure out how to fill in the gaps they have now left in your life. 

There are a lot of them and some of them more impactful than others. One I have a HUGE gripe about:

The sudden loss of medical insurance. My husband passed away on the 27th of April, a Thursday and by Sunday, we no longer had benefits because it was the end of the month. I cannot blame the company he worked for, for 20 years, oh no. They did not do this and in fact they offered to pay for 90 days worth of medical benefits. It was his union, Teamsters 856. 

I was lucky, I work, fulltime and I was able to get benefits on the following Monday.

Not everyone is this fortunate, and I think it is something that needs to be acknowledged. I do not think that 4 days is enough time to deal with medical benefits. I do not even think one week is long enough, there should at MINIMUM be 2 weeks to get those into place due to the passing of the benefit holder. My husband worked for this company for 20 years! They couldn't give me time to get that all into place? I am the most level headed planner and my grief while debilitating at times, I was still able to manage getting plans into place and propelling myself forward. I am sure younger widows/widowers with young children would be even more exhausted and overwhelmed with the sheer amount of responsibility now placed on them. 

May 22nd

I’ve skipped a few days. 

Your storage unit is now empty and Dave now has possession of all your music and equipment. 

I hope that’s what you want. 

Randy came over too. To help. I offered to let him stay here when one of the kids move out. Honestly. It’s what I always imagined. I have known a long time you would pass away relatively young. I knew that Randy would step in and be my brother. 

I’ve seen it since the beginning of our marriage. 

I’m not sure if he’ll even stay. No pressure on him. It’s up to him. I don’t mind either way. 

May 19th

Today was another rough day. 

I miss you

There isn’t any part of you I don’t miss. Even the things that bugged and annoyed me. If I had to live with you only doing the most annoying things ever. I wouldn’t care because I’d have you. 

There is a part of me that believes that when you die you gain all the knowledge. You just know everything. There is no more mystery. Like you know the things I lied about to get you to do things my way… or the times I said I didn’t need you to go with me somewhere yet I secretly hoped you’d go anyways. Sometimes you did. Mostly you didn’t. I think you know I distanced myself from you because I felt like I was enabling you. Helping you to not help yourself. Which made me feel guilty. There were times I even considered leaving you so maybe you’d be motivated to change. 

But you know what now?

It wouldn’t have mattered. You died from something unrelated to your weight. A bacterial infection that tore your heart apart and the cause was never found. No open sores… I remember you had that open sore. And it was here in this house. Was it from that? Did it take that long? I think it was like the end of summer maybe? I remember taking care of it for you. It takes months for it to develop. Months. Jesus. Was that what it was? You had that 6 months? 

Sigh. Like actual human out loud sigh. Fuck I don’t know. I’m struggling still to understand how you could be up and walking around with me and two weeks later intubated. 2 more weeks you’re dead. 

I’m grateful you said goodbye. I’m so fucking grateful you said you love me forever. I’m so fucking grateful you called me mama one last time even though it bugged me to no end. I’m grateful I got to say goodbye. I’m grateful I was holding your hand when you passed. I’m grateful I got to tell you how much I love you over and over again those weeks. It wasn’t a quick death. It was long and drawn out. I got to say everything I needed to say. 

I’m grateful for the one day you were somewhat cognizant shrugging your shoulders. I got to talk to you then. You rolled your eyes and looked everywhere. I got to remind you how much I love you and how proud I was to be your wife. You are my best friend. I miss you so much that I can’t breath most of the time