May 19th

Today was another rough day. 

I miss you

There isn’t any part of you I don’t miss. Even the things that bugged and annoyed me. If I had to live with you only doing the most annoying things ever. I wouldn’t care because I’d have you. 

There is a part of me that believes that when you die you gain all the knowledge. You just know everything. There is no more mystery. Like you know the things I lied about to get you to do things my way… or the times I said I didn’t need you to go with me somewhere yet I secretly hoped you’d go anyways. Sometimes you did. Mostly you didn’t. I think you know I distanced myself from you because I felt like I was enabling you. Helping you to not help yourself. Which made me feel guilty. There were times I even considered leaving you so maybe you’d be motivated to change. 

But you know what now?

It wouldn’t have mattered. You died from something unrelated to your weight. A bacterial infection that tore your heart apart and the cause was never found. No open sores… I remember you had that open sore. And it was here in this house. Was it from that? Did it take that long? I think it was like the end of summer maybe? I remember taking care of it for you. It takes months for it to develop. Months. Jesus. Was that what it was? You had that 6 months? 

Sigh. Like actual human out loud sigh. Fuck I don’t know. I’m struggling still to understand how you could be up and walking around with me and two weeks later intubated. 2 more weeks you’re dead. 

I’m grateful you said goodbye. I’m so fucking grateful you said you love me forever. I’m so fucking grateful you called me mama one last time even though it bugged me to no end. I’m grateful I got to say goodbye. I’m grateful I was holding your hand when you passed. I’m grateful I got to tell you how much I love you over and over again those weeks. It wasn’t a quick death. It was long and drawn out. I got to say everything I needed to say. 

I’m grateful for the one day you were somewhat cognizant shrugging your shoulders. I got to talk to you then. You rolled your eyes and looked everywhere. I got to remind you how much I love you and how proud I was to be your wife. You are my best friend. I miss you so much that I can’t breath most of the time