August 23rd

I knew someday that my insecurities would finally shine through. And yesterday was that day. As important as it was for Lisa and Patrick to meet, Jay didn’t go anywhere close to what I had hoped it would’ve gone. But I guess I know he, Jay, loves me, and that no matter what I need to have more faith in him and an S. it’s so much easier to say that to type that to read that to hear that, but to believe that, I’m having such a hard time sometimes. I know a lot of that comes from Ed. Ed would tell me over and over and over and over again how horrible of a person that only I was but every past relationship that I’ve ever had. I also believe that I wasn’t worth loving. And even though I thought I had gotten past all of that with my relationship with allan, that I finally healed from that, I obviously have not. I guess the biggest problem is that I feel like allan abandoned me, and that’s not fair to him because he died, it’s not like he left. So all those insecurities of my mom leaving Cosmos and I failing at allan and how I couldn’t help him or save him or even fix him, or shining through again. And there’s no easy fix for this, I know this, I’ve tried. I know I have to try harder and I’m not sure how my supposed to try harder. Or what mine said I have to have to believe the things that Jaye tells me the things that I know the things that I feel and the things that I see from him. I know he loves it. I know he wants me. I know he needs me. And the reason why I know those things is because I love need and want him just as much if not more. I am the one coming into this relationship more broken than he is. He’s done all the work he’s fixed himself. He’s on a good track. And I’m coming in broken, insecure, and so insured every aspect of my life and I’m dragging that down with him. That’s not fair it’s not fair to mean it’s not fair to us. It’s sometimes I feel like I’ve already failed him before we even really started. and the truth is I can’t lose him. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t imagine losing just as much as he can’t imagine life without me. And I know when he talks to me it’s just a discussion that part of my brain goes into that flight mode and I feel like, I need to flee and I need to go somewhere and I need to be alone and I need to be away from him because I don’t want him to hurt me and I’m so scared because I haven’t loved anyone like Jay since Jay. As much as I love Jay before I never open myself at this party anymore because I’ve always been scared because I’ve always been worried about being left and being alone and not being loved enough. so instead of sitting in my car crying because I can’t cry in front of Jay because I know it upsets him but the truth is I’m so terrified of all these feelings and his connection that I have with him that I’ve never had with anyone else, and I can’t imagine my life without him. so what do I do? I imagine what my life would be like without him as soon as there’s any conflict and it’s horrible and I don’t know how to fix that part I don’t know how to make myself feel secure and safe and loved and not feel like he’s going to leave me in a moments notice for dumbest things in reality nobody would leave me for not even Jay. so instead I have these major freak outs in my own brain. All of it is internal nothing is external and I can’t even tell him what I’m thinking or feeling at the time is all I know is I just I’m waiting for that shoe to drop I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out and waiting for all of this to just suddenly turn from this perfect dream to a nightmare. Unless I dreamt about Jay and I’ve jumped about him before but this time it was so different and my dad was there and my dad knew Jay and my brothers were there and this is when you know we were 21 and this is it now and seeing him and being with him then with my dad‘s knowledge, somehow he did make me feel a little bit better. This feeling make me feel a little bit more secure in us. And I don’t know why I don’t know why my dad is so important to our relationship. and my heart breaks every time and I just don’t know how to fix it. I know it takes time I know it takes more therapy I know it takes for trust sessions. I know it takes more just everything I need everything and I feel like I’m demanding

August 16th

I’m not sure when I became so physically dependent on Jason but the only time I sleep well is when I’m sleeping next to him. Not only sleeping next to him but touching him in some way. Even if it’s just back to back. Knowing he’s next to me. Feeling him. I feel safe and protected. So I dread nights now when I’m without him. Like tonight. But then I’ll be with him until next Wednesday. So almost a full week starting Thursday. 

So it’s tonight… I’m at my house, I can’t even say I’m home anymore. I miss him… seriously. Sleeping next to him… I’ve never felt more safe. Now I just feel alone, unprotected. But next to him? I sleep so easily. I’m not sure I can do this until next April… or May. I want to be with him now. It’s only been 2 months… Yes I’m being impatient and I’m over there all the time anyways. Fuck its hot. 

August 15th

I just can’t sleep without him. It’s impossible. 330 I’m wide awake. I should just start

August 14th

We finally rehashed that night from his point of view. The only person I’ve ever been in love with and of course Ed ruined it. I’m not going to rehash it again. I’m letting it go because I can’t undo what’s been done. 

I know this time Jay isn’t going to listen to anyone else but me. Sometimes I do want to just let Jay do whatever he wants to Ed. But if I lost Jay in any way, I’d be devastated and the truth is this time, I won’t survive. I won’t want to. No one would be worth living for if not for him. That does actually scare me because I could barely tolerate Allan and I sure as hell fell out of love with him at least 7 or 8 years ago and I nearly died when I lost him. 

I’ve never fallen out of being in love with Jay. Sure. People say you are in love with the person they were when you were with them. Okay fine. I love the person he is now a thousand times more than I did when I was 21. I loved Jay when we fought. I loved Jay when we argued. I loved Jay when we could barely look at each other without wanting to tear each other apart. I loved him for his gentle side when we were alone. I loved him for his protective and jealous nature. I loved him for wanting to give me everything I could want or need. I loved him for his advice. I loved him not knowing half of our problems were because he had so many other problems in his life. I loved him despite all of that because deep down when it was quiet and we were alone, that was when I loved him the most. That is the love that has been there for him. All this time. 

Now? I still love him for those quiet private moments. That hasn’t changed and in fact it’s even better now. I love him for the sweetest things and tiniest things he does for me. The forehead kisses, bringing me my favorite Starbucks drinks in the morning. Waking me up in the best way possible. For making sure my needs are always met and always making sure I’m happy. For listening and sometimes even advising me when I know he is trying to not overstep but wanting him to overstep anyways. For letting me know he loves me, needs me, wants me, appreciates me and misses me. For surprising me with visits in sac. For bringing and buying me roses. For making sure we eat my favorite foods. For introducing me to his family and friends. For opening doors. For helping me get up when I’m sitting down. For leading me down the stairs.  For playing video games with me and not being a sore loser when I beat him down in air hockey but turning around and bragging about it instead. For learning what I like. What I love. For taking care of Jessica. For even caring about Jessica. For liking my herd of animals. 

Jay is the reason I’m alive. He’s the person who brings the calm to my internal storms. Jay is the last person on my mind as I fall asleep and the first thought is of him when I wake up. I know Jay will be there for me when no one else is. He will never give up on me because I could never give up on him. On even my darkest day he pulls me from the dark and holds me until I can see the light again. When I want to pull back he grabs onto me with both hands and won’t let go. If I start to fall apart… He patiently waits as all of my emotions are completely spent… he loves me back to being whole again. I trust him in every way that’s possible, my heart, my soul, my life, my children. 

I wake up with hope now and look forward to the moment I’m back in his arms or if I’m already there with him for his good morning kisses because I know how much he loves me. I never have to wonder. I never have to doubt. Jay is the reason I feel safe again. He’s the reason I feel protected. I know I can tell him anything. I’m not worried about his judgement or condemnation. He’s my future. Jay is the one person I can and would do anything for, the one person besides my kids… I’d die for to protect him and I know he would do anything for me. He’s the one. 

I know we both wish our past was different. He regrets not meeting my dad. Somehow I managed to not starting crying but I did fall for him a little more when he said it. 

August 11

Don’t bother getting dressed. 

Every once in a while… He really surprises me. I was in the shower when he peaked in and said that. Turned my insides into melted chocolate. I love the way my body responds to him. Of course… he made it worth while. 

2 months. It’s all finally sinking in. I’m comfortable and secure in the knowledge he’s mine. I’m his. I know there is absolutely very little he won’t do for me or to me. I get that he’s going to be here for me in every way possible… while making sure he keeps me happy

August 10

2am. I can’t sleep. Again. I have Sage curled up against my back. Ginger and crackhead on my legs. Yet sleeping??? I’m wide awake. I only sleep well with Jay. That’s my reality. I’m happiest and content only when I’m with him. I love and need him. When I’m with him I’m relaxed and safe. Without him I’m tense and feel exposed. 

August 9th

It’s Wednesday morning. I’m laying next to Jay. In his bed. Curled up next to him. His hand resting on my ass. 

How did I get here??? Well he decided to surprise me at my house… Red roses in hand. Took me to drop off that phone… lunch at el novillero and went to visit his aunt Jessica. 

Back to my house. Watched tv. I fell asleep. Finally. Woke up to an asthma attack 🙈. 

I had been smelling the smoke a few days but it finally got to me. Or has been for a few days. 

He brought me home. Bought me dinner and fucked me so good my body is still responding, the next morning. 

I’ve never felt more wanted, desired and loved than this moment. When he said he’d been thinking about me all day, it made my entire body so turned on. Every part of me screaming for his touch. Those light tugs on my hair turning my insides into melted pools of desire. I’ve never been more turned on by someone in my life. 

When he’s inside of me… it’s truly the most intense. My body so focused on more. More of him. More of us. 

Giving myself to him completely and the fact is. I’m his. Completely. There isn’t one part of me being withheld from him. There’s no worry. There’s no concern. There are no fears. There are no doubts.  I’m jumping right into this fire. 

As much as I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out, that feeling is going away. I’m so sure about him. I’m so sure about us. I’m so sure that I’m with the person I was always supposed to be with that all of that time I was holding back… I’m just not anymore. 

Zumba! Pakko 🥰 I’ve missed him so much. He was my best friend for so long… and then… I just got so discouraged and depressed. 

Seeing him really made my day. Of course spending the day with Jay was even better but I know I need other outlets too. Pakko has always made me laugh and cheered me up. He also kicked my ass in class today!!! He played one song I knew and everything else was new. Thank the gods no samba but lots of salsa and bachata. I’m so grateful to see some regulars from before too. Today was perfect. Waking up next to Jay. Zumba with friends. I miss Jay right now sooooo much. I can’t believe I’m sleeping without him but I’m going back to him tomorrow.