I know this time Jay isn’t going to listen to anyone else but me. Sometimes I do want to just let Jay do whatever he wants to Ed. But if I lost Jay in any way, I’d be devastated and the truth is this time, I won’t survive. I won’t want to. No one would be worth living for if not for him. That does actually scare me because I could barely tolerate Allan and I sure as hell fell out of love with him at least 7 or 8 years ago and I nearly died when I lost him.
I’ve never fallen out of being in love with Jay. Sure. People say you are in love with the person they were when you were with them. Okay fine. I love the person he is now a thousand times more than I did when I was 21. I loved Jay when we fought. I loved Jay when we argued. I loved Jay when we could barely look at each other without wanting to tear each other apart. I loved him for his gentle side when we were alone. I loved him for his protective and jealous nature. I loved him for wanting to give me everything I could want or need. I loved him for his advice. I loved him not knowing half of our problems were because he had so many other problems in his life. I loved him despite all of that because deep down when it was quiet and we were alone, that was when I loved him the most. That is the love that has been there for him. All this time.
Now? I still love him for those quiet private moments. That hasn’t changed and in fact it’s even better now. I love him for the sweetest things and tiniest things he does for me. The forehead kisses, bringing me my favorite Starbucks drinks in the morning. Waking me up in the best way possible. For making sure my needs are always met and always making sure I’m happy. For listening and sometimes even advising me when I know he is trying to not overstep but wanting him to overstep anyways. For letting me know he loves me, needs me, wants me, appreciates me and misses me. For surprising me with visits in sac. For bringing and buying me roses. For making sure we eat my favorite foods. For introducing me to his family and friends. For opening doors. For helping me get up when I’m sitting down. For leading me down the stairs. For playing video games with me and not being a sore loser when I beat him down in air hockey but turning around and bragging about it instead. For learning what I like. What I love. For taking care of Jessica. For even caring about Jessica. For liking my herd of animals.
Jay is the reason I’m alive. He’s the person who brings the calm to my internal storms. Jay is the last person on my mind as I fall asleep and the first thought is of him when I wake up. I know Jay will be there for me when no one else is. He will never give up on me because I could never give up on him. On even my darkest day he pulls me from the dark and holds me until I can see the light again. When I want to pull back he grabs onto me with both hands and won’t let go. If I start to fall apart… He patiently waits as all of my emotions are completely spent… he loves me back to being whole again. I trust him in every way that’s possible, my heart, my soul, my life, my children.
I wake up with hope now and look forward to the moment I’m back in his arms or if I’m already there with him for his good morning kisses because I know how much he loves me. I never have to wonder. I never have to doubt. Jay is the reason I feel safe again. He’s the reason I feel protected. I know I can tell him anything. I’m not worried about his judgement or condemnation. He’s my future. Jay is the one person I can and would do anything for, the one person besides my kids… I’d die for to protect him and I know he would do anything for me. He’s the one.
I know we both wish our past was different. He regrets not meeting my dad. Somehow I managed to not starting crying but I did fall for him a little more when he said it.
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