August 23rd

I knew someday that my insecurities would finally shine through. And yesterday was that day. As important as it was for Lisa and Patrick to meet, Jay didn’t go anywhere close to what I had hoped it would’ve gone. But I guess I know he, Jay, loves me, and that no matter what I need to have more faith in him and an S. it’s so much easier to say that to type that to read that to hear that, but to believe that, I’m having such a hard time sometimes. I know a lot of that comes from Ed. Ed would tell me over and over and over and over again how horrible of a person that only I was but every past relationship that I’ve ever had. I also believe that I wasn’t worth loving. And even though I thought I had gotten past all of that with my relationship with allan, that I finally healed from that, I obviously have not. I guess the biggest problem is that I feel like allan abandoned me, and that’s not fair to him because he died, it’s not like he left. So all those insecurities of my mom leaving Cosmos and I failing at allan and how I couldn’t help him or save him or even fix him, or shining through again. And there’s no easy fix for this, I know this, I’ve tried. I know I have to try harder and I’m not sure how my supposed to try harder. Or what mine said I have to have to believe the things that Jaye tells me the things that I know the things that I feel and the things that I see from him. I know he loves it. I know he wants me. I know he needs me. And the reason why I know those things is because I love need and want him just as much if not more. I am the one coming into this relationship more broken than he is. He’s done all the work he’s fixed himself. He’s on a good track. And I’m coming in broken, insecure, and so insured every aspect of my life and I’m dragging that down with him. That’s not fair it’s not fair to mean it’s not fair to us. It’s sometimes I feel like I’ve already failed him before we even really started. and the truth is I can’t lose him. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t imagine losing just as much as he can’t imagine life without me. And I know when he talks to me it’s just a discussion that part of my brain goes into that flight mode and I feel like, I need to flee and I need to go somewhere and I need to be alone and I need to be away from him because I don’t want him to hurt me and I’m so scared because I haven’t loved anyone like Jay since Jay. As much as I love Jay before I never open myself at this party anymore because I’ve always been scared because I’ve always been worried about being left and being alone and not being loved enough. so instead of sitting in my car crying because I can’t cry in front of Jay because I know it upsets him but the truth is I’m so terrified of all these feelings and his connection that I have with him that I’ve never had with anyone else, and I can’t imagine my life without him. so what do I do? I imagine what my life would be like without him as soon as there’s any conflict and it’s horrible and I don’t know how to fix that part I don’t know how to make myself feel secure and safe and loved and not feel like he’s going to leave me in a moments notice for dumbest things in reality nobody would leave me for not even Jay. so instead I have these major freak outs in my own brain. All of it is internal nothing is external and I can’t even tell him what I’m thinking or feeling at the time is all I know is I just I’m waiting for that shoe to drop I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out and waiting for all of this to just suddenly turn from this perfect dream to a nightmare. Unless I dreamt about Jay and I’ve jumped about him before but this time it was so different and my dad was there and my dad knew Jay and my brothers were there and this is when you know we were 21 and this is it now and seeing him and being with him then with my dad‘s knowledge, somehow he did make me feel a little bit better. This feeling make me feel a little bit more secure in us. And I don’t know why I don’t know why my dad is so important to our relationship. and my heart breaks every time and I just don’t know how to fix it. I know it takes time I know it takes more therapy I know it takes for trust sessions. I know it takes more just everything I need everything and I feel like I’m demanding