Day 4 4/30/23

I was hoping sleep would be easier

I hear your voice so clearly in my dreams… every single one of my dreams is of you. Cuddling me. Touching me. Loving me. 

My life will be so lonely without you. You brought all the life into it. Music. Laughter. Love. 

2:30am. Every night. I’m wide awake. Crying. Missing you. 

I’m scared to be so alone. Yes EVERYONE wants me to go hang out do things with them. But it’s just been you and me. The pandemic pulled us tighter together. We became a unit. Team. Working together. It can be the most mundane thing like grocery shopping. Putting away groceries. 

Who can I gossip with now??? You telling me about relationships within your friends group. You and I marveling how our relationship was so much better than theirs… But also listening to what goes wrong in a relationship and making sure to NOT be those people. 

I was able to download all of our texts… I can’t believe you kept them all!!! It makes me fall in love with you , with us. Over and over again. 

We fell in love so fast. We went from zero to 60 in a blink. Did we both proceed with caution? We sure did. But our chemistry was always undeniable. I’d pull you and then you’d pull me. Then you just kept pulling me… I’m sorry that didn’t shift again. If you’d have survived. It would have shifted. I would have been the one to lead us. But you were comfortable guiding us… guiding our relationship. 

It’s funny though. I know you found me on Facebook may 5th 2009. You friended Margie soon after. Those messages!! Tsk. Nothing pg rated even but she was trying to get at you. 🙄🙄 always so blind. Like with Shallen. But you were and were always meant to be mine. Doesn’t mean I’m not insanely jealous of something 14 years ago. If you were alive today… I’d be losing it. But then again I’d never read or go through your messages. Sigh. I’ve always trusted you. I never had reason not to. I know you love me. I see you in all of my dreams now. 

Day 3 4/29/23

I actually slept. Finally. 

I feel like I need to keep reminding people my husband died. Don’t forget him!!!!

How could this man… that has so many people love him, and returned that love… still have so much love for me? Allan’s heart was endless. I NEVER felt unloved or unimportant to him. He has so much love to give. 

So maybe it’s time to record memories now…

July 1992

When I was nearly 20 my step mother went on a cruise with her sisters. Leaving my dad at home, which he wanted. I had gone to medical assisting school and was working as a MA in a doctors office in Elk Grove. My dad has a heart attack. He went to kaiser but ended up at mercy general. One of the days he was there my friend had her baby… since I was already at the hospital it was easy to visit her. The day she was leaving I was in her room when the transportation tech arrived. Filipino guy with long wavy hair pulled back in a ponytail. I was instantly attracted to him. Once my friends and baby are settled in the wheelchair, we head to the elevator. All of my friends can tell I’m interested in him. But he never once looks my way. 

My dad is in the hospital a few weeks… I see the handsome guy every once in awhile. I remember hiding in the lobby and my brothers making fun of me. 

Fast forward to 

September 1992

My high school friends were inviting me out. Getting me out of the house after a long relationship with my daughters father finally came to an end. I won’t go into too much detail but suffice to say I was safe away from him and he also cheated on me with his now wife. So it worked out in the end… for them.

So I’m at my friends Mayo’s house for a big gathering of our friends. We were lucky, we had a large group of friends, mostly from 2 high schools Elk Grove and Valley high. I hadn’t seen some of these people since I graduated. Then all of a sudden… he’s there!

The guy from mercy. 

How? He didn’t go to school with us. Why was here there? Then he looks up and he smiles. These dimples go on for days and I’m lost. He walks up to me. Introducing himself. We talk about how we know Mayo and so on. And I stupidly ask do you work at mercy. He replies yes and I brush it off with a simple oh yeah you look like the guy who helped my friend Melissa and her baby. He explains what he does there, as if I didn’t already watch him a few days at his job. 

He asks for my number and I’m silently screaming and celebrating in my head. He came to me. This handsome charming guy came to me. 

We were friends for quite a while. Allan had a girlfriend at the time. It was platonic. It was fun. He would go out with me and my girlfriends drinking (he was 21 and could get liquor). I wanted more. I know he wanted more. It just so happened when we finally crossed that line, he didn't lock his front door and his girlfriend started knocking on his door. 

He looks at me and says "You didn't lock the door?". I am looking at him incredulously, its not my house.

Kirsten or Kristen I never remember her name, broke up with him after I left. 

He called me crying... I was not interested in hearing him cry over another girl. Seriously? I did not take him too serious after this. We continued seeing each other anyways until I was raped by an ex. 

The guilt of that happened (which I know, not my fault) but I could not be with Allan anymore. I felt... broken, taken advantage of. And the 1.5 times we had sex was a waste and a mistake. 

So I ended things, by not ending things. I just stopped answering his calls. 

I would see him from time to time... we were friendly. I think we agreed our relationship had run its course.

I went on to get married and have two kids in a horrible relationship. Unlike my oldest daughters father he was not physically abusive but abusive in EVERY OTHER WAY. Our daughter has no relationship with her dad. 

After 15 years, I was ready to leave my husband in 2009.

In the midst of planning I get a message on Facebook, May 5th 2009 Tuesday 1:45am 

Hi there jennifer. My name is allan. I don't mean to be a bug. I was just curious if...well I'm almost certain that you and used to hang out back in the early '90's. You and I have a few common friends on facebook. And looking at your profile pic, I'm betting on the fact that it's you. If it's not, well then I'm sorry to have bothered you.

It was at the moment I read this message when I woke up, something like hope sprang up from my heart. 

Allan Roy Salaver from my 20s. Someone who I had very much liked. A lot A lot. I replied, told him I was not on messenger much. To call me. 

Well he called and we planned on meeting after work at Chili's to hang out. When he walked in, he was different of course, but his smile, his eyes, those dimples, they were all there. Unlike in my 20s I actually fell in love with him. Right there. Right then. He was single, no kids. He did not care that I had kids. He did care that I was leaving my husband. So we took our time... falling in love at our fast pace as older adults do. He had a lot of insecurities, worried I would not want to be with him but I loved him... all of him. How he had not found someone before this is still mind boggling to me. 

I got my own place, seperated from my now ex husband and Allan and I began the rest of our lives. 

He was sweet and attentive unless there was a movie on or sports. He was busy with his group Eye Eighty and performing. I loved all of it. I loved the members of the group and their significant others. I fit so easily into Allan's friend group it was almost as if I too had known all of them forever. 

Months later fast forward to his birthday party which was being hosted by my first friend in Sacramento, Maria/Ton and her husband. On his birthday he asked me to marry him. Less than 4 months after that first date at Chili's. The truth is we knew. We knew without any doubts we were meant for each other and we would make it work.

There was a lot of reservations from his friends... They were worried about his stubbornness his emotions. They were worried he would break my heart. We proved them all wrong. We were a perfect match. We have loved each other over the years so much. We fell into patterns that you get after years of being together... Buying each other's favorite meals. Divvying out the household chores. We had routine. We argued maybe 1-2 times our entire relationship. Did we disagree? yes of course... it was fun. But so very few real arguments is unheard of! Did we occasionally hurt each other's feelings as we navigated through our lives? Of course. He learned how to tell me when I did and I learned to open up when I was hurt. 

But then our relationship soured over the years. His depression becoming unmanageable and he unwilling to get or ask for help. We became roommates. I came to resent him and what our life became. I tried to remain optimistic but the truth was, he was eating himself to death. I was not enough for him to heal himself and I was drowning in his depression. If I had been smart I would have left him then, like when I left my mom behind. Instead I stayed because after losing my mom to alcohol I was determined to not be unloved by someone yet again.

April 28th 2023

 I saw my last post. It broke my own heart. 

On April 1st. My husband seemed out of breath. He’s a big guy. Sometimes he loses his breath but this one scared me. He didn’t want to go to the hospital. So the next best thing? Call his sister. 

That night he came down with a cold. I chalked it up to that. 

Over the days he was pretty sick. But nothing unlike a cold or mild flu. Coughing. Congestion. I was worried but not overly. 

April 8th he seemed worse. He was having a hard time getting up to urinate, I cleaned up the messes in the bathroom but still said he was okay. 

April 10th Jessica bursts in my door and says Allan needs help. I rush in the common bathroom and he’s on the toilet. Urine on the floor and he’s crying. His leg was numb. I was worried because a few nights he slept in his office chair because of the congestion. I’d go on my cameras to check on him. He’d be in his chair. Not sleeping but he was breathing fine. But this was new. I helped him to his office chair from the bathroom and called 911. 

They arrived and took him directly to kaiser. I followed behind with items he asked for. 

Doctors didn’t seem too worried. They started him on an IV drop with antibiotics and were working on getting his leg checked out. When he left for his MRI, I went home. Changed and brought Jessica with me. He was still in the Er. Talking, in good spirits. He was so happy Jessica was there. We left to get dinner I told him I loved him. That was the last time I talked to him. He had asked me if I was coming back that night, I did not, I did not think it was that serious. I worked the next day, the full day. 

April 11th he was already intubated by the time I came to visit. He had been struggling breathing and they confirmed there was a clot. I went into panic mode. The wanted to do exploratory surgery on his heart and add a central line. He was not happy with all the needles. I quickly signed the authorization off he went. 

They knew he had blockage in his right leg as he got had little to no pulse and it was cooler than the the other left leg when your touch it but kaiser can’t do that surgery  

Immediately the doctor said Allan had an infection with a leaky aortic valve. Endocarditis. He needed surgery. Two now. For the clots in his leg and then the heart valve replacement. 

Wednesday they were prepping him to be transferred to Mercy medical, where oddly enough was where I first saw him, but then Mercy refused him. Based on the multiple surgeries and because he was so sick. 

Thursday they are trying other hospitals Santa Clara, San Francisco. All of them saying no. His weight was too big of a risk factor and they did not have a surgical bed to even support his weight, 426 pounds. He’s not getting any better. He’s still intubated. He’s got ice packs on and a fan trying to keep his fever down. 

Friday nothing until Friday evening, late when finally Sutter Medical says yes. I was dead asleep from lack of sleep. It took them all (Zsa, Rhoda, nurses, doctors) calling my cell and then my kids waking me up. 

Saturday 4/16 at 130 am I get a call saying Allan lost circulation in his leg and they had to do surgery. NOW. I stayed up. Worrying. Pacing. They call me at 4am. He’s fine. They got the clot out. I go to see him but he is still sedated. He’s still running fevers. They’re trying to cool him down with cooking blankets.  

Sunday through thursday It’s more of the same. He has fevers. They’re trying to cool him down. His labs… some get better. More get worse. 

Friday his fever breaks. Finally. But he’s still on medication to keep his blood pressure high. Until he’s off of the “pressors” no surgery. 

Saturday and Sunday they continue to try to take him off and then his blood pressure shoots down. 

Then Monday is a great day. He’s off the pressors. I’m hopeful for the first time in 2 weeks. I get a call at 9pm he had a stroke. 

It was at that moment. I knew. 

There would be no life saving surgery. There would be no recovery. 

Tuesday morning… Zsa and Randy (his siblings) and I get to the hospital. Dr Jones sits us down and says there is no hope. My heart breaks for the first time. I know what my husband wants… and he wouldn’t want to be on machines. It’s time to let him go. I’m holding it all in. Breathing slow and deep. Not allowing tears to fall. Because I know if I let that little bit of emotion crack through I may not be able to say the words I need to with confidence. We all gather back around Allan. Holding his hand. Talking to him with Dr Stoneberg, Jeff walks in. My heart drops. 

We walk to another room with his assistant I give them my instructions. DNR and we turn off the machines thursday morning. I’m trying not to hyperventilate and start crying so more deep slow calming breaths. 

I walk back in the room and tell his siblings. Siblings he loves so much that I’m letting their brother die Thursday morning. 

My heart breaks again when his sister starts crying harder. I feel a little dizzy but I hold my husbands hand. Her brothers hand. Knowing I’m making the right decision. I refuse to cry. 

People start arriving in droves. So many. We got in trouble at one point and I had to stay in the room. By the end of the day I was exhausted. Spent. 

Wednesday was the exact same thing. I stayed with him. Alone. Talking to him. Telling him I love him. That he was the best husband and father to my kids. That he never disappointed us ( he mentioned this in the ER room ) and I walked out knowing in less than 12 hours I would be a widow. I’d be without my best friend. 

Thursday. I get a call at 439am. They told me to get in. Now. His pulse was going slower and slower. I hauled ass to the hospital. I screamed and cried the entire way there. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.  Arrive at 4:59am. Run to his room. 

I’m talking to him. Grasping his hand hard so he will hear me. I tell him you can let go now. I know you’re tired. I know how sick you are and how hard you tried. But it’s okay. I’ll be okay. The kids will be okay. Zsa and Randy will be okay. You can let go. I hugged him. Snuggled him kissed his hands. Touched his hair and face. Then at 5:20 after 15 minutes of his pulse going up and down and back again. It didn’t come back. 

He flatlined. 

The nurse came in a quietly said he just passed

I wanted to scream no!! He can come back.

My heart broke. This time a piece was gone. It wasn’t small either. My husband occupied so much of my heart. There is very little left now. 

I held his hand selfishly for a few minutes. Dreading my next call. Calling his sister. 

I simply said “He just passed”. She screamed out what!  But I knew she heard me. I stayed silent as she processed what I said. I whispered softly. I’m so sorry. 

Her anguished cry began breaking the little pieces of my heart. I could hear her telling their brother Randy. She was in disbelief. She said she was on her way. 

I watched the monitors until the doctor arrived at 5:38 am hoping he’d come back there were blips but no rhythm and Allan was pronounced dead. 

I began the texts. Letting people know. Wishing I was wrong. Thinking no, that can’t be it! 

We were supposed to grow old together. You promised in your wedding vows. 

We stayed with Allan, his siblings and I until 8am. They said their goodbyes. Then it was just the love of my life and I alone. For the last time. My heart fractured. It was beating so hard my heart monitor kept going off. My heart was now physically breaking. I talked to him. I said goodbye. I cut off two small clumps of hair. One for me. One for his cousin Mikey. I walked away and let the RN know Allan could go to the morgue. I sat down in the family lounge with people. Hugging. Crying. But my heart was just so hurt. So broken. I had to leave. The room was suffocating. Looking at Zsa and seeing my husbands features in her face. I couldn’t anymore. I left to make the cremation services. 

Last night was the longest night of my life. I thought it was our wedding night. Spending it apart… but no. This was worse. Darker. Harder. I could smell him. I could almost hear him. So many things I wished I’d said. Wished I’d done. 

The love of my life was never coming home. And I was supposed to just lay in our bed…