Wednesday, October 18, 2023

Oct 18th

Jessica is 21… I can’t believe it. 

So looks like I have a legit job offer in Vacaville. One I know I can handle. And I want that one. Never mind the Sam Carlos one. With the higher pay. 

Jay was sleep walking last night. I think he peed on the floor? Left the door open and was saying something about a light? He also mixed up his night with his day meds. 

We had sex today but I can tell planned sex. Doesn’t work. He wasn’t into it and neither was I. So no more of that. 

His best friends mom died. So many deaths in October. It’s overwhelming. 

Monday, October 16, 2023

Oct 16th

Chocolate. Strawberry syrup and ice. 

I love this man. He pleases me in ways I’ve never thought possible. Licking me. Touching me. He’s doing things on his own now. Exploring and trying new things. How could I not love him?

Yesterday’s surprise revelation? “I’d marry you tomorrow if it didn’t impact the social security” and if we decide we don’t care about that money. We’ll get married. 

Todays? Bring our matching hoodies on the cruise. 🥰🥰🥰 Gawd I love him so freaking much 

Story

As she approached the club, her heels clicking along the sidewalk, she admired the brick facade of the building. There was something so charming about a building that utilized bricks. The deep red color and the grey tones of the mortar setting it apart from the steel and glass buildings flanking both sides of the club. While the other buildings looked sleek and modern this had a charming inviting look to it. 

The door to the club was currently being guarded by two handsome tall bouncers holding clip boards. As she walked up they greeted her cordially and asked if she had an invitation. She pulled the black linen invitation from her handbag. It looked like it was blank but as the bouncer pulled out his black the words jumped out suddenly on the paper glowing brightly.

Her name, Selene, was engraved in the black light ink. The bouncer checked his clip board, marking off her name and opened the door for her. 

As Selene walked in she could hear the bass from a sultry seductive song being played deep in the building. She walked down a dimly lit hallway which was heavily scented by the dark red roses that were in beautiful crystal vases on tiny tables along the wall. 

She approached another set of doors that automatically swung open. As she stepped into this room… the dance floor was ahead of her with a large bar towards the back of the room, a stair case on either side of the bar. Selene walked further into the room where couples were dancing to the music as she made her way to the bar. 

“Vodka soda” she informed the female bartender who smiled and and quickly returned with her order. 

Selene took the drink and found a table and set of chairs off the dance floor. She settled into the chair taking a sip of the drink while scanning the dance floor. Not seeing anything of interest she leaned back in the chair and looked up to the second floor. The second floor appeared to be more of a balcony where patrons could watch others on the dance floor from a different point of view. As she swept eyes across those watching, he caught her attention. 

He was looking at her with such intensity… she was caught off guard and quickly looked away but not before she caught his smirk. In the dark she could barely make out what he looked like even with the DJ lights flashing and spinning around the room.  She glanced down at her drink and took anothe sip, deciding to keep her eyes on those dancing in front of her. 

A few minutes passed when the hair on her neck prickled and she heard a deep voice in her ear “I’ve never seen you here before.”  
Selene smiled but didn’t reply as the music was so loud he probably would not have heard her unless she shouted in his ear… she shook her head in agreement. She had never been to this club before. 

He pulled the chair out next to her and seated himself next to her. She didn’t look over at him. Didn’t acknowledge his presence. They sat there in silence… watching the dancers. She so badly wanted to glance his way to see what he looked like, however she knew that this would be looked at an invitation for him to talk to her more. So she continued to ignore him. 

She continued to sip on her drink until the glass was empty. He leaned over “Allow me”… 

Grabbed her empty glass and walked back to the bar. Returning quickly with a second vodka soda, placing it on the table in front of her. Selene muttered here thanks… but didn’t touch the glass. He hadn’t sat back down and was standing just out of her peripheral vision… When he spoke so close to her ear, her hair moved. “Dance with me”. 

Selene began to shake her head no, when he walked in front of her and grabbed her hand. Tugging her to an upright position. 

Reluctantly she allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. He was taller than her, which isn’t surprising. At only 5’2” seems everyone is taller. He appeared to be 5’9”. Light blue dress shirt with dark blue dress pants. He turns towards her on the dance floor pulling her towards him. His intense looks multiplied due to the lack of space between them. Her entire body is pressed against him. Feeling his body warmth… she inhales his scent. Musky… woodsy… very masculine. His hands on her waist while she placed hers on his shoulders. 
They dance to slow melodic music… Selene’s center of attention is on this man in front of her, when he presses his groin against her lower abdomen… feeling his hard impressive cock against her, heat radiate from her core while settling between her thighs, drawling heat and wetness from her center. She looks up into his intense eyes, feeling her arousal grow. 
He gently grasps her hand and leads her away from the dance floor to one of 3 hallways… The VIP section. He nods to the bouncer while tapping a key card against the security door… the doors open automatically and close behind us as we enter the hallway. 
Still holding her hand he leads her deeper into the abyss. This hallway is also painted in black… with more roses and tea light candles flickering to provide enough light to navigate safely. 
We pass by a window… the room within is bathed in red light… I can see a woman, naked with her arms tied above her while another woman dressed in latex and leather with a cat o nine tales in her hand. 
I smile at them… nothing unusual to see in this night club… It’s also considered a sex club… members only with strict rules being followed and maintained to allow for anonymity and safety. 
We approach another door and when he presses his card key against the security panel the door opens up. 
We walk in with him still holding my hand. The door closes and he turns and walks toward me pressing me against the door. 
He leans down bringing his face so close to hers she can feel and smell his breath. She inhales deeply breathing in his scent as her heart rate starts to race. He is pressed up against her knee to breasts. She can feel all the contours of his body while he looks at her. She tilts her chin up in a challenge and he leans in closer to smell her neck, her hair. Chills run up her back as she gasps from the intense reaction her body has to his closeness. 
He brings his lips to her ear and suddenly it seems as if the world completely falls away. There is only him. He kisses her neck softly and she sighs and leans into him. His hand moves up from her waist to cup her breast and she can’t help but moan. Closing her eyes letting her body relax. He takes a strap of her dress pulling it down over her shoulder, exposing her breast. While maintaining eye contact he crouches down and flicks his tongue over her nipple, she starts to close her eyes and he tells her “No. Eyes on me”. Her eyes snap open and focus on his dark eyes as his mouth closes around her nipple. She moans and arches her back but she continues the eyes contact while her hands wrap around the back of his head. His other hand pulling down the other strap exposing her other breast. His tongue flicking over her nipple and sucking and pulling as well. She can feel how wet she is getting as her scent not only fills the air but her juices start to run down her leg. His hand reaches between her thighs… feeling her wetness as he straightens up… leaning in to kiss her collarbone. His fingertip gently pulling her inner folds apart as he finds her clitoris. His fingers circling and flicking her most sensitive spot… his mouth finally finding hers. 

Story

As she approached the club, her heels clicking along the sidewalk, she admired the brick facade of the building. There was something so charming about a building that utilized bricks. The deep red color and the grey tones of the mortar setting it apart from the steel and glass buildings flanking both sides of the club. While the other buildings looked sleek and modern this had a charming inviting look to it. 

The door to the club was currently being guarded by two handsome tall bouncers holding clip boards. As she walked up they greeted her cordially and asked if she had an invitation. She pulled the black linen invitation from her handbag. It looked like it was blank but as the bouncer pulled out his black light the words jumped out suddenly on the paper glowing brightly.

Her name, Selene, was engraved in the black light ink. The bouncer checked his clip board, marking off her name and opened the door for her. 

As Selene walked in she could hear the bass from a sultry seductive song being played deep in the building. She walked down a dimly lit hallway which was heavily scented by the dark red roses that were in beautiful crystal vases on tiny tables along the wall. 

She approached another set of doors that automatically swung open. As she stepped into this room… the dance floor was ahead of her with a large bar towards the back of the room, a stair case on either side of the bar. Selene walked further into the room where couples were dancing to the music as she made her way to the bar. 

“Vodka soda” she informed the female bartender who smiled and and quickly returned with her order. 

Selene took the drink and found a table and set of chairs off the dance floor. She settled into the chair taking a sip of the drink while scanning the dance floor. Not seeing anything of interest she leaned back in the chair and looked up to the second floor. The second floor appeared to be more of a balcony where patrons could watch others on the dance floor from a different point of view. As she swept eyes across those watching, he caught her attention. 

He was looking at her with such intensity… she was caught off guard and quickly looked away but not before she caught his smirk. In the dark she could barely make out what he looked like even with the DJ lights flashing and spinning around the room.  She glanced down at her drink and took another sip, deciding to keep her eyes on those dancing in front of her. 

A few minutes passed when the hair on her neck prickled and she heard a deep voice in her ear “I’ve never seen you here before.”  
Selene smiled but didn’t reply as the music was so loud he probably would not have heard her unless she shouted in his ear… she shook her head in agreement. She had never been to this club before. 

He pulled the chair out next to her and seated himself next to her. She didn’t look over at him. Didn’t acknowledge his presence. They sat there in silence… watching the dancers. She so badly wanted to glance his way to see what he looked like, however she knew that this would be looked at as an invitation for him to talk to her more. So she continued to ignore him. 

She continued to sip on her drink until the glass was empty. He leaned over “Allow me”… 

Grabbed her empty glass and walked back to the bar. Returning quickly with a second vodka soda, placing it on the table in front of her. Selene muttered her thanks… but didn’t touch the glass. He hadn’t sat back down and was standing just out of her peripheral vision… When he spoke so close to her ear, her hair moved. “Dance with me”. 

Selene began to shake her head no, when he walked in front of her and grabbed her hand. Tugging her to an upright position. 

Reluctantly she allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. He was taller than her, which isn’t surprising. At only 5’2” seems everyone is taller. He appeared to be 5’9”. Light blue dress shirt with dark blue dress pants. He turns towards her on the dance floor pulling her towards him. His intense looks multiplied due to the lack of space between them. Her entire body is pressed against him. Feeling his body warmth… she inhales his scent. Musky… woodsy… very masculine. His hands on her waist while she placed hers on his shoulders. 
They dance to slow melodic music… Selene’s center of attention is on this man in front of her, when he presses his groin against her lower abdomen… feeling his hard impressive cock against her, heat radiate from her core while settling between her thighs, drawling heat and wetness from her center. She looks up into his intense eyes, feeling her arousal grow. 
He gently grasps her hand and leads her away from the dance floor to one of 3 hallways… The VIP section. He nods to the bouncer while tapping a key card against the security door… the doors open automatically and close behind us as we enter the hallway. 
Still holding her hand he leads her deeper into the abyss. This hallway is also painted in black… with more roses and tea light candles flickering to provide enough light to navigate safely. 
We pass by a window… the room within is bathed in red light… I can see a woman, naked with her arms tied above her while another woman dressed in latex and leather with a cat o nine tales in her hand. 
I smile at them… nothing unusual to see in this night club… It’s also considered a sex club… members only with strict rules being followed and maintained to allow for anonymity and safety. 
We approach another door and when he presses his card key against the security panel the door opens up. 
We walk in with him still holding my hand. The door closes and he turns and walks toward me pressing me against the door. 

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Oct 15th

Lmao. We tried to go without sex until the cruise. We didn’t even make it 2 days. But the foreplay?? Omg. I’ve never been more turned on. 

I know at the beginning of a relationship sex is a priority. I don’t feel like that’s what it’s going on with Jay and I. I love the connection I feel to him physically when he’s deep inside of me. Yes I love the orgasms too but it’s more of being his. When he’s in me I feel as if my body is his. I know our sex is getting better. I know we want our sex to keep getting better. My body craves him in ways I’ve never imagined and he goes out of his way to fulfill me


Saturday, October 14, 2023

Oct 14th

I really hate being apart from him. I miss him so much. I really feel as if I’m missing a part of me. 

Friday, October 13, 2023

Oct 12

The day Jay was released from the hospital… he made love to me so hard. It was truly the best sex. Ever. 

Since then and me opening up.  It’s not only gotten better but way more often. I got him three or four times today. He’s just so into me right now. I love it and him 

He bought me a bracelet. I was so shocked by his choice. It’s an id bracelet. I put his name. Jason. I can’t wait to wear it. 

We went to Monterey. Geez. We’ve been so busy! 17 mile drive. Whale watching. Sex. It’s been so great. 

Monday, October 9, 2023

Oct 9th

The truth is I’m just as crazy over him as he is of me. 

I hate to admit how psycho I can be. How possessive how jealous

Saturday, October 7, 2023

October 7th

He was manic for all of 30 minutes and then plunged back into the depressive mode and he has a stomach ache... again. Its weird he has had it since he went out to that dinner at the chinese restaurant. It can't be that its been over a week already. He is back to rocking a lot. He had a few days without it... but he definitely is back into this mode. To be honest, I feel so overwhelmed with all of his medical issues. I am not sure how Rachel handled all of these when he was even worse. I think the hard part is that I definitely feel helpless... helpless in every possible way. So I am frustrated, I just sit here and watch him suffer. It is breaking me, my heart. I think maybe if I say this out loud to him it will help me... because this is simmering under the surface. I want to cry all the time when I see him in these modes... and I shut down because how can I cry about something he can't control! He would hate it and not like it if I said this but how do I not?

Well we are here at the ER. Grumpy is an understatement. I’m trying so hard to not take it personally but yeah… when I snap at him he’d lose it if I did this to him. “Common sense”? Boy did I want to flash back but no. Breath through it and let him be an asshole

He’s being admitted. Pancreatitis. Christ. Explains why he’s been such an asshole lately. He was trying to leave when I finally came into the room. Looking for a nurse and trying to get dressed. I honestly think I knew when he’d reached his limit. But the good news is… he was sweet to me and even said he wasn’t mad at me. But then the doctor trying to convince him to stay explained what was wrong with him and he is staying. Omg. I just about fainted. I’ve been tearing up off and on. But this isn’t serious and he’s staying. I’m sure it’ll clear up quickly. He’s only been in pain a week. But it was definitely getting worse. They did sedate his ass. 😂😂😂 he was super grouchy from not being able to vape but thank the gods he’s in a better mood and they got him some patches. 

When they asked who I was I said and he laughed and said I need to get you a ring huh? Yes. Please. :) so that made me happy overall but I’m sure he’ll forget that. But I’m his. He’s mine. And I’m so glad his ahitty attitude was due to pain and that’s getting resolved. I need him. God I need him more than I’ll ever admit. I can’t live without him. 

September 24th

So I mentioned to Jay about Ria asking if he was being physical with me. I honestly did not want to mention it but it was eating me up on the inside. Seriously… It was consuming so much of my thought processes. Why would she even say that? I have never one said anything about  Jay even remotely hurting me. Sure he and I get heated… for sure. Am.I used to that? No… Hell Allan could yell for hours and we all learned to just ignore him. If Allan was anything he was way into over acting, that’s why at the end I ignored him completely. I was so used to everything being a big fuuking deal with Allan that it got to the point where NOTHING was a big deal anymore. Which sucks… 

Kris R texted me… made me start bawling. Someone I barely know and I replaced him at work and he cares about me more than people I have known over a decade. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Makes me just want to let go of all the people I knew before through Allan. The truth is they only cared about me because of him, without him, I am persona non grata. Which is fine, I guess. It makes me sad… I can’t pretend it does not. But its not like I did not know this was going to happen. To be fair sometimes I could barely stand some of them anyways. New friends… Ugh… Do I even want to bother? How am I going to find people like me here in Vallejo? Loves to read… loves TikTok’s. Widowed mother? Yeah right…. Maybe just mother of adult kids and skip the widowed part. 

September 25th

 I know something is going on with him... I get the depressive mode of his bipolar... then a call from his in laws. Not that I mind... hell if Allan's mom was alive I would jump anytime. Not going to pretend I do not miss Allan's mom. I swear my life would be so different if she were here. I know I would not have had to reach out to Jay at all, that's scary to consider. 

Friday, October 6, 2023

Oct 6th

 Finally friday :) Alexis... my heart breaks for her. Part of me finally is connecting with her and I am so grateful for that not the circumstances... gah... not that. No one should have to deal with what she is dealing with. Jay is so wonderful with her... she doesn't feel like a little sister but more of a surrogate daughter. I really hope she does not go back to this guy. I just know the stats... and they are not good. 

So I do not mind sharing Jay for the next 2 weeks... I am so proud of him. We will help her as much as we can and even against Jay's wishes if we can sneak into the house to get her things... I am worried he will destroy her stuff and hurt her puppy. I know, I am self projecting but I can't help it. I am glad he got some real sleep today... less wrinkles in his forehead and that vein in his forehead is non existent. 

Thursday, October 5, 2023

Oct 5th

His vein in his forehead is prominent again. He said his head hurts. Headache?? His bipolar??? I just don’t know  but it’s worrying me. I’m glad I’m back home. With him. Coming home to him and his grumpy sleepy ass is always worth it. By mid day he was yanking my shorts off and making me cum. I’m so grateful how much he loves to do that and how good he’s gotten at it. But he’s so stressed. I know it’s this job. Learning new things being responsible and he’s taking it so hard when I don’t expect anyone would think he would know it all in his first fucking week. 

Randomly he asked me about diamonds again last night. Not sure what random thought popped in his head. 

Okay so oddly enough that awesome job??? I think I did okay? LIKE WHAT? There were a few moments when I thought nope... but now I am not sure... I think its 50/50?

I have been quiet all day today... I am not sure why.. I think I was nervous about the interview. Its insane amount of money! Not only that but I will be happy doing this

Wednesday, October 4, 2023

Oct 4th

Rachel’s 2 year anniversary. He’s struggling. Not a lot. Not quite enough for me to be concerned with but I see it. I’m glad he has a lunch planned with his friends. I’m also relieved I won’t be there. It feels awkward sometimes with him and Charles. Just sitting there. I can only imagine their conversations when I’m not there. Soooo yeah. Let him do his thing. I’m sitting here watching him sleep. Mouth open and nose hairs everywhere and all I can think is god he’s just so good looking and he’s mine. How did I get so lucky? 

I also want him to fuck me but … oh well I can survive until tomorrow. Or Friday  or Saturday. We had really amazing sex yesterday. I love when he’s on top but I also love being on top too. My muscles are finally getting used to all our positions  

Tuesday, October 3, 2023

October 3rd

So one work night down and he is on to his second. I know he is exhausted but I am so proud of him. I am not even sure I have a right to be but I am so happy to be a part of this life. Seeing him grow into this capable person. I know that for so long he was not which seems so hard for me to imagine but I see those glimpses of when he is struggling… When he is rocking and swaying and closing his eyes. In his own world but I see that becoming less and less as his start date got closer. I got the key to the house today… So weird. 5 months and I am officially as can be, living with Jay. Not just Jay but yes, Jay Martinez. I can’t help but think of him in that way still. I still cannot believe this is my life. I am with the one person in my entire life that I have always wanted… always needed. Holy shit he wants me too.

He is so adamant about us being equals even though I can legitimately make 3 times what he is. I think that is so sweet of him… I want to help him a lot more than that until we combine our finances and then it just won’t matter.

For him… eh… he just goes with it, meanwhile I look at him in complete and utter disbelief that this is my life. That he is my life. He is everything I have ever wanted…. I do not get to live my dream life. My life is always lacking and somehow goes to utter shit. I am actually waiting for when it does… how fucked up is that?

I am expecting at any moment that this will all fall apart, helllooooo overthinking! But I have been able to push that away. Like really push it away lately… he spent a lot of time convincing me we were okay. He spent time today telling me that I’m doing better talking to him and he’s going to try harder with touching me. God. He touches me and my entire consciousness centers on wherever that is at any given moment. I didn’t realize how desperately I need touch. I had an idea. I think mostly because of how quickly when a relationship sours… I’m backing so far away physically we may as well be in different rooms. Especially with Ed. Forcing my body not to respond to him. That I remember distinctly still. I’m getting rid of the toy. I think it’s fucking me up somehow. I don’t want that to be a hindrance

Monday, October 2, 2023

Oct 2nd

 Well today is the day... he starts work. He is nervous and working through it. I can't imagine what this is like for him. I know he is going to be great at it. He is so good with people and helping people. I am even envious of that skill but at the same time, I know my acumen for technology is something that I prefer and I really do not want to work with people. I like just being me... doing what I want when I want. I am not sure why he is going down on me so much lately... as if I would complain! I love it and his mouth on me... I am trying my best to distract him as much as possible, not sure if I am even doing anything at all. 2 more hours before he leaves... handed me a huge stack of bills which one I did not bother counting and two he gave to me for a massage and chipotle??? Way more than I need and I appreciate it. I think I would rather chipotle and target though. Pick up a few things and snacks to entertain me while he is gone. I will go home on Wednesday... plan Disney now WITHOUT jessica. Am I complaining? NOPE


OMG I got the damn interview... I made it to Chipotle... even Target :) All by myself. I feel like I at least accomplished something don't get me wrong, I love being with Jay but I do still love my independence too. Maria texted me... wanting to go out to dinner again with Chelle and Tuyen. I would actually like that. Not sure how that will work if I am working in Benecia... OMG I cannot believe I am interviewing! I want that job. I want to be here... I WANT TO BE WORKING HERE... I will figure out the cost and all that crap later. I will be here... I will be with him every day.

Sunday, October 1, 2023

Oct 1

He wants to come home from work and I will be here... I think that is the sweetest thing I have ever heard from him. I cannot believe it is already October... How did time move so fast and yet so slow at the same time? We talked a lot last night and I let myself open up more... its still not easy for me. But I am trying as much as I can. He did mention that I jump a lot less at night and I am more relaxed. He is laying next to me sleeping... jerk... lol... we just had sex and I am so awake now... No way am I taking a nap. I am amazed how much better its getting between us. How is that even possible? I love every way that he touches me. Actually I am kind of amazed at how I react to him. We are definitely getting better at this. Today has been great.