Sept 30th

Why? 

Why does the state of our relationship rely so heavily on his physical touch? I hate how much I need him. I actually have it. It makes me feel so… slutty? This morning to distract him from his anxiety and everything I gave him head. I loved doing that of course it was after he went down on me and I sat on top of him kissing him and grinding down on top of him. 

Then this afternoon he went down on me again, then used his hands on me and god he got hard. So hard. I had to get on top. And why?!?! Why am I suddenly all connected to him again? What the fuck is wrong with me. We can’t be all physical? It’s disgusting that I’m like this. How much I need his physical touch and his dick inside of me. We have sex constantly but go without a day or two and I’m feeling like we are done. Fuck like rabbits and I’m back at it. 

We went to a meeting today  met another friend of his. Said Jay has been telling him all about how I’m a good girl. My fucking insides melted. Then he said he wanted an invite to the wedding. What is Jay telling people? I’m praying it’s just because we are new and I have old insecurities. I can’t just keep fucking him to fall in love with him. We have to be more than that. 

Sept 29th

His death anniversary came and went. 5 months now. I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. It’s hard to remember life with him. 14 years. Is that just how my brain copes ??

I’m glad I’ve been able to pull back on Jay. The whole gripping on too tightly? Fine. I’ll let go with both hands then I’m not with you. I can and will do my own things. I’m more independent then he realizes. 

I can’t believe I’m sitting here and wishing I was home. He’s sick. Not feeling well and I want to be here for him in some capacity but I’m also just not feeling this anymore. I can’t believe this happened but I think when he told me I was being too clingy… so I pulled back and now I’m completely disengaged. He’s so sick he doesn’t even realize it yet. He has all of his friends. I’ll stick this out and get him through this month but I’m really going to need to deep dive into this in November and if it’s done let him go. He hasn’t touched me once. Which means I’m not talking. You give me what I ask. I give you what you need. 

September 26th

I’m so relieved I’m finally getting interviewed. I was really starting to stress. 

I’m in Sacramento right now. I think we needed a break from each other but then find out his bipolar kicked in and he’s just been at home all day🙄. I swear to god he does better when he needs to take care of me. Is that weird??? It’s like he can set aside his stuff for me. He’s always so focused on me and my crazy

September 23rd

 He is going through so much that I am not sure I am even helping him anymore, I definitely feel as if I am holding him back at times. I know he will say I am being ridiculous and want to know why I feel like that. I guess mostly because my asthma keeps me from doing things... this smoke is killing me. I also can't keep taking the asthma meds... I have never had such bad panic attacks in a long time... I wonder if all of them were related to the damn meds... or maybe just a combination of things for once. 

I am glad to be going home for a few days though... I think he needs his own space right now too. Even if he said he was going crazy without me I think we both still need our separate spaces at times, we are only just rolling into 4 months now. For some reason I am in a different headspace and I can stop holding on to him so tight and do my own thing at home. I have enough to do there to keep me busy for weeks at a time. I think I need to chill on these books, they are making freak out over Jay and for what? Christ he would not do any of that stuff. 

What do I know? I know this intense man loves me more than I ever imagined possible. I love his intensity even though sometimes it does terrify me not in like he is violent but just how intent he is on me. On us. I have never had someone like this. I honestly think my freak out was over what he said that night in SF and he has already apologized for that, we were both in a bad spot and we both said things we did not mean. I also came crawling back to him with my tail between my legs. It was for the better, I need to learn how to swallow my damn pride for him and admit how much I not only need him but I love him and I am willing to be different. I have never done anything like that before. I have never driven in the middle of the night begging to be let back in someone's life. I did come back like a damn boomerang... we were both wrong and it was okay that I was the one that gave in first. I can be the one to give into him and be the guppy and beg for him. I have never begged for someone before. For Jay, I will learn to be this person. Learn to be vulnerable and ask for forgiveness and for his love. I can also be strong at the same time... but yeah this particular book is really fucking me up for someone reason. I am done with it. I think it is just too triggering.

Jay did tell me something off putting last night but said he also believed me. To not accuse someone of rape unless I meant it... Oh and I meant it with Gonzo. And Florencio definitely forced himself on me. He did not rape me but if he thought he could get away with it, he would have. The stuff he said about Randy too... geez. I never knew how serious all of that was. Of course Allan and Zsa pretended like the charges did not happen. Sorry folks I cannot just forget them as if it was a weird fever dream. Allan's family is just too toxic for me to deal with. I guess the truth is that at this point I am just over it and them, I mean there is only his siblings left and its only a matter of time before those relationships self implode anyways and I do not want to be taken down with them. I really need to reconsider all of my friendships and as much as I love Maria, her drinking is really becoming a problem for me. I cannot be around anyone like that. it reminds me too much of my mom and HELLO she has an autistic son who needs her and here she is getting drunk all the time and passing out??? 

Sept 18th

 I guess we just flash hot... and then figure it out. 

He said he was going crazy without me. I was going crazy without him. I cannot believe how much we need each other.

Happy birthday Allan

I’m sitting here in the parking lot at Kaiser charging my car because why wouldn’t I multitask something like this? Being at the last place I talked to you is surreal. Not in the sense like wow I can’t believe I’m here but in the way that this is pretty much where our lives together ended. I wish I had known how dire your illness was. I wish I could say I would have done things differently but that’s not true. In fact even if I had this to do all over again I don’t know that anything would be different. I was so frustrated with you. Calling zsa and asking her to help me help you I think was the final straw. Where I fucked up is I didn’t really force you to go to the ER. I should have. That was mistake number one. 

Mistake #2 was not forcing you to make an appointment with you doctor. But it really sounded like a cold/flu. You even tested for Covid and that was negative. 

Mistake #3 was watching you on the cameras. Seeing how sick and barely responsive you were. Not seeing that you really needed to go the doctors and stat. Nope. What did I do? Nothing. Knowing you couldn’t even sleep laying down anymore. Again. Thinking it was just a cold/flu. 

Mistake #4 when I finally called 911 thinking it was pneumonia and thinking the leg numbness was just you overreacting like usual. Once you’re in that room… I dunno. I just didn’t think it was so serious and I kept telling you, you would be fine. I stayed until I made sure you were settled in. I went home. Showered took a short nap and Jessica and I went back. I made sure that you had something to eat and when you asked if I was coming back that night. I said no.

Mistake #5 I went to work the next day and by the time I got to the hospital you were intubated. I should have been there. I wasn’t. 

I knew. I knew you weren’t going to recover. You could barely handle a paper cut but all this??? You were physically weak and not in good health anyways. So for several days… they did look for surgeons to operate on your heart but your weight 426 pounds? Operating tables can’t manage that weight. 

5 things that I did. 5 things I can’t take back. 5 things I can’t change. 5 things that may not have caused your death but definitely didn’t help. Could you have done things differently? Yes. You knew how bad it was. You said you knew you were going to die. I didn’t hear you say that. Jessica did. And I had no idea… you could make an appointment. You worked from home. You had time. Hell you even took time off to be sick. 

Your birthday came… and it went. I spent it with Jay. He helped me stay distracted… I couldn’t really harp or think about any of it. Like he says I’m hiding behind him  but I’m really not. Not all the time. Just on the big days. To get me through. So things don’t get super dark. 

They celebrated you and your birthday. I’m sorry I couldn’t go. You of all people know how your sister is. We’d gotten into enough arguements I could not do anymore of it. She is headstrong and I wanted her to do things her own way. That’s okay. I don’t mind her doing things her way. She is your sister. I was your wife. But now I’m just your widow and in a new relationship. 

Did you send him to me? Or send me to him? The turmoil we are going through right now… I know it’s going to take work. I didn’t think it’d be a cake walk. It never has been with Jay but I also know I need to start standing up for myself too. He definitely is worth it to me. I do hope both of us taking a short break… will help us build back to something stronger. Or it’ll prove that this isn’t going to work. I’m not sure. I love him so much and I want to start bawling but it’s not worth it because it won’t change anything. I know how much he hates me crying. I can cry over you but not him. 

I knew I’d have to do this eventually. One day. Sit here and write out all the things I’d do differently. But I also know that you could have done something too. This isn’t all on me. I tried. I know I tried. I didn’t want you to die. I may have just been… living and not thriving but I did not want you to die. I don’t think I ever would have left you… it would have devastated you. Not that I did not consider it. I did. A lot. But I couldn’t do it. You loved me unconditionally and even though I loved you… I was not in love with you at the end. I could barely stand to be near you. Hearing you call me by my full name I think you too were seeing that we were just coexisting. I’m sorry you’re not here for your birthday. I hope the memorial was everything you thought it would be. I can do small things to remember you but these big events, they just aren’t my thing. They never were. 

I really hope you sent me to Jay. I know I need him and I need to figure out my side of things. I know he loves me. I know we’re not done but we have to talk this out. Maybe at a park. Somewhere neutral. Not at his house. Not in private. 

It’s weird. Is Kaiser the place where I talk to you? You were my best friend. Until you weren’t. I know I resented you so much at the end. I’m sorry for that. I can’t change anything. But I think I’m ready to accept your sudden dying. I can definitely feel a shift in me. I think I needed to get past the memorial. Letting some of your family go. They can’t and won’t accept that I’ve 

moved on… 

You lived a wonderful life. Truly. You were surrounded by family and friends. They all love you so much and miss you. I still miss you in my own ways. I try to remember what our lives were like before our marriage soured. We had good times. Not all of it was bad. I’m sure you’re happy to be with your mom and step dad. Sorry. In my head he’s just not your dad. Maybe I did push the grief away. But even though I wish things had played our differently I’m not going to let the guilt get to me anymore. I’ll still be sad when I hear others stories, it’ll remind me of your story and your sad ending. You shouldn’t have died so young but you did. I can’t change it. I think it’s okay to wish it had played our differently but I’m ready to accept this is where our story ends and my story with Jay begins. The memorial is over, it’s time to focus on Jay. Making this work. Because I know when we are amazing we are. It’s navigating all the rough patches. So here I am… being pyscho in Vallejo. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like I’ve lost my mind to be honest. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m going to feel really stupid when he ignores me but I’m going to put every effort into this and him. 

Sept 17th

Where do we go from here?

We are so volatile at times. He says something. I say something… and it all goes to shit. 

He digs deep and he doesn’t like my answers. Then he accuses me of throwing things back in his face but he asked. He wanted to know why. I tell him why and he gets angry. I shut down. I don’t want to open up and then he gets mad. So I shut down more and further. 

Today was just another example of that. He doesn’t even see it. Because he sees it as an attack. I was asking for him to kiss my ass? I was throwing it in his face? But he wanted to know why. Why I got to the conclusion I had overstayed my welcome. I tell him and he loses it and tells me to leave. He will call me in a few days? So I texted him. Pointed out and nothing. No response. Not a damn thing. 

Sept 12

I hate being apart from Jay but I also know that does build up our relationship. For now at least. 3 months. That’s it. It feels like so much longer. 

Tomorrow… I don’t want to be here tomorrow. I don’t want to be anywhere. Friday will be even worse. 

Sept 11

Needy. I’m just so freaking needy when it comes to him. If he can’t provide my love language. I can’t provide his. What is wrong with me. We’ve had amazing sex twice. Just thinking about him inside of me gets me excited. All it took? Him kissing me. My entire body woke all the way up. 

Sept 6th

Hello insomnia. Fuck. This isn’t going to work if I only sleep when I’m with him. I’ll be exhausted. 

Funny. I’ve been here before. It’s always something I did… I’m the reason why guys are interested in me. Okay he was right. I was wrong. When was I supposed to exactly mention jay? Oh when he said morning as he walked by my cubicle to his?  Or while he walked me what 30 seconds down a hallway and was asking me about how it was going at work? 

I give up. I give in. I’m done. The easiest way for this to stop is to gain the weight and wear the clothes he hates

September 5th

Ugh the amount of anxiety I have is insane. But it’s a new job. And I have no idea if jerrolyn is even going to talk to me. 

Yesterday was nice  went to see jays aunt. I like her. Genuinely. She may make Jay crazy but I don’t mind her at all. Even though he keeps saying it’s because I wasn’t raised with her. I think and know I just have a higher tolerance for people than he does. I mean he gets so tired of Alexis too. I do too but for different reasons. She keep can keep mentioning and talking about Rachel all she wants. I actually don’t mind. Jay is mine. 100% so his past doesn’t affect me. I know with no doubt that I’m everything to him and that he loves me more than he’s loved anyone before.  So yeah. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m his and I know he’s mine. That I can feel with every ounce of my body. I love him so freaking much. It’s insane. I’ve never loved or wanted someone like this in my life and nothing will get between he and I  

September 4th

Finally went through a “bad day” with Jay. Bad yes. Horrible? Hardly. He handles his mental health issues better than me. Hell even the day I went to go get waxed I spiraled but oddly enough Jay called me and pulled me right out of that darkness. It got really dark for a moment but was gone when inheard his voice. No one has been able to push me that quickly from the darkness before. 

I think it has more to do with the depth of my love for him as opposed to it just being Jay and his voice. I’ve never never loved anyone like this. It’s amazing how hard and fast I fell for him again. I know I loved him before but I was also terrified. I was so young and been hurt so much that I couldn’t fully understand what I felt for Jay then or how much my feeling for him would change me, completely.