I am always shocked by how much my life has changed
Tomorrow will be 3 months since Allan died. Going on 4 months since he originally started getting sick.
I am shocked by how much I love Jason. I am amazed at how different our relationship is, in every way possible. I can feel myself opening up to him more and more. Walls are coming down faster and faster.
The last week was amazing. In every way.
Disneyland... Spending the entire weekend with Jay... All the amazing sex and just, talking to him, snuggling him, smelling him. I have never wanted to spend so much time with someone and sex on Saturday... I am not sure what got into him, but it was just as good as the first time we were together. Its pretty damn hard to be that great after we talked about seeing each other for 10 days and then just being wild for each other. I think we are just settling into this and understanding each other.
When I look at you, I see my past present and future. I see someone who makes me feel more safe and protected than I’ve ever felt in my life. I don’t want to lose that feeling with you. You make me laugh, all the time. Your forehead kisses or randomly kissing whatever body part happens to be closest to those lips, fills me with a contentment I didn’t know existed. You allowing me to use you as my very own pillow, makes me feel loved… You fulfill every need I have and some I didn’t even know I had but I know if I were to lose you, there’d be a lot more missing than when we started. You make me feel loved, wanted, desired, beautiful, a priority. You have become everything to me in such a short amount of time that I can’t even remember my life before you.
I’m so glad we’ve introduced each other to our families. I’m so happy everyone is on board with us.
I never imagined in the last 30 years there would be a day when I’d call you mine and that we’d be planning the rest of our lives as a couple. Jay Martinez, a second chance? No way. Something I wanted so badly before actually happening? But when you said you’d wished you’d taken me more seriously… something inside of me… came to life.
Hope.
Then when you said I was the one that got away according to Kim… that seed of hope, grew just a little more but stayed dormant…
Waiting…
Your wife passed and I reached out once… horribly. Not as sincerely as you needed and did that realization slam into me when Allan died. I felt so bad, so guilty. Because I have always cared about you from a safe distance. Your photos showing up on my feed, I’d like them if I saw them. Seeing you happy with Rachel and your family. Genuinely wishing you all the best. As you are well aware, I stay friendly with almost all of my exes and guys I’ve dated from my past.
But then my own tragedy struck… I reached out to you because I was embarrassed that I’d barely messaged you when Rachel died, but not wanting to interfere or disrupt your life, yet having genuine concern for your well being, I knew I’d failed you. So the first message was filled with sincerity, concern and above all shame for not messaging ever again.
I had no idea what was in store for me, you or us.
That I’d get this amazing person, whom I loved before but now all fixed up and ready. Waiting for me, hell, praying and wishing for me. Or at least the idea of me.
I knew I needed you, before I’d even written to you… I knew I needed not only your amazing ability to give advice but I’d craved the protection you provide as well as someone who I knew would share in making decisions. It wouldn’t be all on me anymore. That’s the relationship I crave and need. To be not only equals but knowing that I can trust you in making decisions.
You make me happy. In every single way. Mind body and soul… When I look at you my heart starts racing… looking at how this handsome man, whom I’ve always been so wildly attracted to… looking back at me… seeing me, loving me, wanting me. Smelling you… more often than not smelling me on you knowing those lips and tongue have brought me more pleasure than I’d imagine possible… thinking of how that mouth gives me orgasms that soak me clear through to the point I can feel my own juices sliding down my ass. Knowing that eventually your perfectly sized cock will either be in my mouth or you’ll be over me, giving me those delicious kisses while filling me to the maximum.
You were supposed to be mine. We fit together too perfectly for us not meant to be. When I cuddle into you, your cool smooth skin, up against my heated sticky self… It’s so comforting.
Written in the stars. I read that in a book recently… We are in the right time, right place, right circumstances. All 3 align. My life is perfect now with you in it. I love how we balance each other out. My nerdy brain with your wise street smart brain. My aggressive sexuality versus your need to please me. Our mutual need for attention from each other. Our flaws, our weaknesses, our strengths… all perfectly balance each other out.
I am so thankful for you.
Above all, that huge gaping window in my past, full of questions, wondering why we ended like we did, that's closed now. I have my answers and I can accept the past for what it is.
Of course I wish things would have played out differently for us. You have always been the one for me. I fell for you when I was 20-21 and while it is true I do keep in contact with all of my exes (because I am such an amazing person) you were never just an ex. You changed me in every way possible then, and with you, I am someone completely different. I get to be me and you bring out the best of me while also encouraging me to be the best version of myself. I do not have to worry about your judgement or condemnation. My body responds to you in ways that I do not even understand, but I am loving it. More than anything, I am comfortable with you in every way. I do not worry about what you think about my stretch marks, belly fat or any other part of my body I would typically hide, because I know when I look at you, stretched out next to me, naked, I want you so badly and I am so wildly attracted to you that I love every part of you. Even that belly scar that scares me and makes me sad, knowing the pain you went through and how many times I could have lost the chance for what we have now.
I am grateful I did not go through the year and a half of loneliness you went through. I only had one month of that, and it nearly killed me. I was drowning in my own thoughts, the cycle of them and I could not break them on my own. The truth is that I have never loved anyone the way I have loved you all of my life. I have always wanted this chance with you and I was not sure I would ever get it, now that we have this second chance, it is better than I imagined.
I am so glad it is finally Friday. I miss him something fierce. As much as Jay focuses on today... his question about us in 5 years made me happy. I do not like that he did not answer his own question but instead said same. *roll eyes*
How can one person be exactly who and what I want? When he wanted me to explain why I wasn't going to be there Friday, I realized he really misses me as much as I miss him and he did not want to wait until Saturday to see me. So I was getting through that list as quick as I could because the truth is, I want to see him too. I almost want to go tonight but I will NOT be done with everything by tonight, so tomorrow, after work is how it will go.
He said today it hit him. That we are together.
Lol I’ve been tripping on that fact for a few weeks. I can’t believe how much I love him and how much he loves me.
He asked where I thought we’d be in 5 years. Living together. I’d have his last name after he asked me officially. We’d be set in a routine by then
30 years ago, when I turned 21 I was a mess. In every sense of the word. I had found out Jerrolyn's dad had not only cheated on me, but repeatedly and given me and Jerrolyn an STD while I was pregnant which I in turn, gave to her. Imagine the humiliation of being 18 and giving your newborn baby an STD.
Then, in some stupid act of forgiveness to her dad, I got pregnant, again. She was not even 3 months old. Needless to say I got an abortion and have zero regrets.
So what does this have to do with you? Well I am getting there, I want you to know what I went through prior to you.
At 21, I had one nightstand that resulted in, guess what... another pregnancy. The guy was nice, in fact we are still friends to this day, but again, I got an abortion as you know, I only had Jerrolyn when I was with you.
After that, I swore off all sex. 2 abortions at only 21 and one child. WTF was I thinking? If only plan B pill had been a thing back then.
Then you came along. To say you completely overrode all the common sense I had, would be an understatement and I did not have a lot. You changed my entire way of thinking. My entire personality. I loved you for those reasons. I loved you because I liked who I was with you.
I never understood your jealousy, until now.
Even at 21, Jay, you were the center of my universe.
Yes, I know why we ended. I know, looking back, I would have set aside Jerrolyn for you. You were my priority, and you knew that. So I am grateful that we ended... but not the way we ended. There were a million and one other ways our relationship could have and should have ended. None of them included that last night.
Knowing, you were, as you put it, irritated by Mike. Something finally clicked, I will get to that later. Even with you knowing, how shitty he treated me, you, for a brief moment had doubts. Which in my mind, is just crazy. Just like it was when I was 21.
When you let me be a part of your life, not just now, but even before, Jay, you are everything to me.
I had this keychain, that said "Jay's Princess". I kept it for years after we ended. I only tossed it maybe 10 years ago.
I know this is hard for you to believe or even understand, because even for me, I do not understand the way you completely captivate me. The way that when I am with you, my entire focus is on you. Or when we are a part, all I am doing is waiting until I am back with you again.
Like 2 magnets, always trying to snap back together.
I have never felt like this with ANYONE. Only with you. Only for you.
Even though that one horrible night happened and every once in awhile I have a flashback of you grabbing a fistful of my hair and pulling my hair back and whispering in my ear that I was a hoe, I loved you anyways. I loved you even in that moment. I was practically begging whatever gods exist for you to call me after that night, to let me still be a part of your life. To let me show you, you were everything to me. I would have forgiven you the very next day if you had only called.
The call never came, you would not even acknowledge me when you did see me. I suddenly ceased to exist for you.
If that night did not break me, how you treated me after, did.
Part of me, went a little crazy after that. I won't go into a lot of details because no one wants to relive that, but I did try E and a lot of other crazy things, trying to get past you. Past us.
Yes, I am giving you another chance. I would have given it to you then if you had asked. I almost wanted to beg you to give me another chance then, 30 years ago, but I think deep down, I knew you and I were not going to work out with what you were doing. I needed to focus on Jerrolyn.
That was definitely NOT what I did. I did a lot of things, I regret and wish I could undo. But during my wild time, I learned a lot about myself while I was out looking for the connection we had with someone else.
What I feel for you is unique and I can never feel like this with anyone, but you. As much as I was thinking a month ago, there is no way that is still there, after almost 30 years, yet the moment I was standing in front of you and all of those emotions slammed into me, I realized not only were they still there but they were doubled up now and stronger than they had ever been.
I do not get butterflies with anyone. I do not miss anyone. I like my space, my solitude. I was perfectly happy with my marriage and how we did things separately. Allan would hang out with his friends and his music stuff, I would go on vacations and travel without him. We were content in that. I could drive to the bay area, alone, spend the day shopping, eating at my favorite spots and even going to my hometown to get my ice cream at Preston's and go to Coyote Point and watch the planes take off from SFO. At first, Allan did not understand my need to do things without him. It grew on him over the years and he eventually got used to it.
I want to do those things with you and no one else. I get butterflies when I see you and on my way to Vallejo. I miss you as soon as I leave you. I need to be in YOUR space and even take up as much of your side of the bed that you will let me get away with because I need to be with you. As much as I love my king size bed, I love being in your small bed squished up against you while you grumble and try to get me to move over to my side.
So back to that night and you being irritated by Mike, I am still processing it, as my therapist wants me to... and write everything out. Your jealousy was misplaced and why I bring this out of you, well I am not sure but I get it now. I never thought you were worried about losing me to someone else, because in my mind, I have always been yours. Yes, I USED to go out of my way to get your attention by looking at guys, stupid that's all it took, but that came from 2 things. No commitment between us and my insecurity, because I knew as much as I could have anyone I wanted, so could you. The way you broke past all my rules and reservations with only as much as a blink in my direction, I am not the only one that could be this enamored and charmed by you.
Fast forward to today. I not only have the commitment I need from you. I also know, this is it for both of us. My insecurities are long gone between us. I KNOW I have you.
I want and need you to know, YOU HAVE ME. In every sense of the word "have". Jay, when I see our future, our lives and I am yours with your name when you get around to asking me to change it for you officially, it is you and me. Growing older and together. I have never wanted someone as much as I want you.That has not changed and now it won't because I have you. My feelings for you have only grown and there is not a part of me that does not belong to you, completely. Even when you have bad days, weeks or months, Jay, I want to be there for you. Helping you in any way that I can. You are my most favorite person, ever. You make me a completely different person. I look to you for your approval and your reassurance, those forehead kisses that make me feel like a little girl, protected and loved for. More than anything though, wherever you are is where I want to be.
I love who we’ve become. Separately but coming together 30 years later. Smarter. Wiser. Both of us completely single, having suffered the same fates in our previous marriage. Like you say, this was meant to be.
There is something about being with Jay. Reformed? Yes. Changed? Yes.
However, there is that fierceness to him that keeps me so attracted to him. I have never been with anyone even remotely like him before him or since. There is something about knowing what he has done and could do that makes me feel safe. I am twisted up in some way I swear. Seeing where he was shot, takes my breath away. Knowing what he lived through since I left him kills me. All the pain, all the suffering. Part of me wishes I could have saved him from that. I know we all go through trials and tribulations to learn life lessons. I wish his had not been so painful. I am so fucking grateful he is who he is right now today. Everything I could want and need. The last 30 years have not exactly been a cake walk for me either but in comparison? There is none. When he talks about his past it leaves me speechless.
What he sees in me? I will never understand but I do know he has a type... and I am definitely his type.
I am not going to get myself riled up because I will end up right back in his bed again.
It’s nearly 10:20 at night. Guess who can’t sleep without him??? Last night I passed out. No problem. 🙄 I need him more and more each passing day.
How he can read my moods... when I am not even in the same city he is in, baffles me. His good morning text was exactly what I needed this morning. How could he have known that?
1 month today. 1 month since we met at the hotel... It seems like a lifetime has already gone by. I remember seeing him for the first time and I swear I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. All of that sexual tension we had built up over 10 days... slammed into me, to the point I could barely talk much less breath. When he barely touched me as we made our way up to the hotel room, I think I knew in that moment, this was going to be intense.
That first kiss... that still makes my stomach have butterflies and the way he pushed me on the bed, and I love that he still does that, even now. How easily my body responds to him, as much as I try to control that, there is something in being with someone who turns you on by barely saying a word, but do I love when he talks dirty to me, crave that even and it makes me even more wild for him when he does it. Everything about that first day was perfect.
The way he touches me, the way he makes me feel. How much my body desires him in every way. I do not think there is a way he could touch me, that would not turn me on.
Now that the worst of the sexual tension has subsided... not that it was bad. It was amazing but it made it hard to think past where I wanted him to touch me and how badly I needed him inside of me. To be honest, he barely touches me and I still zero in on exactly where he is touching me. So the tension is there its just not as intense (meanwhile I am turning myself on just thinking about him touching me).
When I am not thinking like some sex crazed teenager, and I can feel the rest of my feelings, what am I left with?
This calm and strong love for him. This connection to him that is more than just him touching me, but of course when he does, all thoughts vanish. The need to be near him, how soothing his voice is to me, how his scent makes me relax and how being wrapped around him, eases all my tension to the point I can fall asleep with little to no effort. He makes me more relaxed than I have ever been, since him. How the feel of him pressed up on me when I am drifting off to sleep comforts me in ways I can not describe. I get why people like weighted blankets, and why that pressure is reassuring.
He makes me laugh, he makes me angry, he makes me sad, he makes me beyond happy, he makes me feel ALL the feelings, which I am not used to. I am used to being the mellow emotionless person that everyone has pegged me to be but with Jay, he brings out all the emotions from me. More than anything, I like who I am with him. I feel like I am 100% me with him, even when I am quiet in the silence, still me. Am I still slow and cautious around him? Yes, nerves. Now I can look at him a little easier. Now I can meet his eyes a lot more, obviously not as much as he wants. I can watch him as he makes love to me or as I orgasm...
Regardless of how he knew this, all of this, us, was a possibility, I did not. I did not think I would be the one Jay would be in love with. I did not think I would be contemplating not only the rest of my life with him, but changing my name to his and planning a commitment ceremony in our future. Meeting his kids and grandkids, or the rest of his extended family. Going on a cruise with him in 3 months. All of this while I know is ACTUALLY happening, as I live through all of it, it still seems not only surreal but impossible.
Jay loving me.
21 year old me would be screaming at me, do not be a fool! What are you thinking/doing? He will break your heart. While nearly 51 year old me, is telling her to calm down, he grew up, he lived and he evolved. He is yours now. It took 30 years to come to this, but it did. Not really the best timing to be sure but I did not get to decide if and when to fall for him. It happened without me even noticing or maybe I was just always still in love with him. I honestly did not see a single moment in our chatting and calls when it happened. It just was. I fell in love with Jay even before I saw him 1 month ago.
Not only was I totally and completely in love with him, I knew he was who I wanted. Now, who I need.
Not going to lie, I hate needing him. It definitely still makes me feel weak. I am trying to get past that, thanks grandma for planting that seed in my mind and letting it take root for 45 years. Why any woman would tell a child some of the stuff she told me, will always confuse me.
When I look beyond today, tomorrow, next year and beyond, he is there. Jay, with me. I am also terrified of the future, I know that is because I lost Allan. I get where this irrational fear of loss is stemming from, it does not make it less real or less worrisome.
I am also working on it, trying not to give a voice to those fears, which are so crazy strong right now. Especially after Uncle Maning's passing. It is just going to make all those fears bubble up again... and Auntie Sooki, and hell, Larissa and JJ. My heart goes out to them and I know what is going through their minds right now. As a daughter and a wife.
I need to see him, today. I know its because yet again, another death in my family. When I get into my dark thoughts, and boy, do they get dark and when I start to despair over everything and start spiralling and say things like Jay and I not working out... he acts surprised. I wish I had the conviction he does for us, about us. Odd to think I am the pessimist between us. I am not even a pessimist... I think its just when I am trying to fill in the gaps in conversation it just pops in my head. This is why I HATE talking just whatever is in my mind. It comes out wrong and negative.
Tomorrow is officially our 1 month.
1 month, since I felt that creeping loneliness. 1 month since the tears have started to dry up. 1 month of happiness and love. More than that, feeling his protective nature over me. 1 month since I realized he still had pieces of my heart still and that even though I thought I had nothing left to give.
I actually have more to give than I ever imagined.
We have gotten through the hardest parts. Meeting our families and introducing us... getting past those hurdles. He said he dreamt we had an outdoor wedding... I want to do a ceremony on the Disney Cruise. I want my dream ceremony, Disney. Then we have another one, for family and friends. I like Tahoe. We can invite everyone. I honestly never imagined being Jenn Martinez. Or another J. Martinez. I do not know how I got this lucky. Seriously... I get to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me laugh and makes me so happy. He is the sweetest and most gentle person I know, while also being fiercely protective. He is also the most caring, watching him get Al something reminds me, he was like that before with me too. At the club he would bring me drinks, checking in on me. He has changed so much and kept all the things I loved most about him 30 years ago and added even more great aspects to his personality. Seeing him with his kids/grandkids melted me. If I had even had one flash of the future and what he would be like, I would have fought harder for him. I would have fought harder for us, but yes, I know... we were all we were meant to be 30 years ago but it still makes me sad. I wish... I wish for so many things.
I did not have this with Allan, everything and how we ended was exactly what I wanted 30 years ago. As much as Jay and I run parallel to Allan and I, it's such a different course and a different way to get to what we are now.
I never wanted to walk away from Jay. It broke me. Remembering how heart broken I was following that, is still so prevalent in my day to day life, I loved him so much, but he never committed to me. We were never exclusive which is why his jealousy always confused me. Now if that last night would stop replaying for me every once in awhile, I could get past it, eventually. I am not sure what will bring me closure.
I get why Jay says I do not need to relive the experience of Allan's death. But I need for Allan's family to know what it was like that last month. Zsa is giving out her version... which is not even close enough to the horror that was actually happening. But in the exact same breath I have to ask myself, do I care? Part of me says no, I do not. I have Jay. Not only do I have him, but he is everything to me and I know he does not want me stressed and he wants me to focus on him and not what was or has been. However, the past 3 months are not really in my past, they are still my present time line.
I told him about the ritual to get me past this shyness, the timidness I have around him. I swear I am getting better and then I backtrack and fall back again. Progress vanishes.
This weekend I was so distracted as much as I wanted him, I just wasn't all there. Everytime he so lovingly went down on me, I could not shut off my brain. I get why men have a hard time performing if they can't shut down all the thoughts. I guess I need to tell him I definitely need more foreplay and I need him to talk dirty to me, which god, I love when he does that.
More than anything, god, he notices the tiniest details. Like my lashes. I have honestly forgotten I got them done, but he goes out of his way to compliment them, ALL THE TIME. As well as tell me how he loves my makeup and that I am not overdone or cakey. Which I am shocked he even knows is a real thing but I am very very careful with my application of makeup and I intentionally go less is more, except with eyeliner and mascara although to be fair to myself I never overdo either. BUT he sees that. I do not remember Allan or hell, even Ed complimenting my makeup. I do not even think with Jay before I really wore makeup at all.
I am still struggling with the difference of the Jay I knew and the Jay I know now... Yes, I get the saying that you are still in love with the person you knew (as in the past) however, I love him even more now. Somehow he has become such a better person in every way.
Today. Today was the day I got to see the Jay I’ve known forever. The aloof distracted Jay. I had him for a moment and then when I called him back, he was back to that again. I know he’s having a rough day today so I’m not going to let it get to me. I know there will be a lot more days like this. I’m going to give him time to get through it since there isn’t a fucking thing I can do to help him which is really frustrating. I won’t let this hurt me or us. He kind of snapped at me over the comment with Mike. Communicate. I know. What the hell am I supposed to say? Turn off the tv and stop ignoring me? Nope. Not me. Jesus I’m horrible at this.
I remember the first time I noticed Jay. I thought I knew everyone in our group, but to be fair, when I had Jerrolyn I was out of the loop. When Errol cheated on me for the last fucking time, and getting treated for an STD, I was able to extract myself from him and did not look back.
After Errol, I had a few guys I tried dating, hell, even Allan and I tried, that crashed and burned.
Then I saw Jay at Aomi's. He talked to everyone I knew... which interested me. I remember asking who he was. I did not recognize his name, nor him. I could tell from just the way he interacted with people, he was someone who not only demanded respect but he got it with little effort. I have never liked alphas, as a female alpha, I was used to taking what I wanted from who I wanted. Even from a distance I knew he was way more than I could be, especially since most of the time I went with the "I'm pretty but stupid" routine which worked with almost any male, even while knowing I was manipulating the hell out of everyone and did not care. Females, I have always gone the meek and small route to avoid conflict, unless someone brought it out of me for good reason, I could and have been who I needed to be.
I was still messing around with Charlie at the time, so I was not technically available anyways. After Mike treated me like absolute crap after ceremoniously dropping Charlie, I was determined I was done dating anyone exclusively. I was just going to go on easy non-serious dates and no sex oath would continue, I was still recovering from Gonzo raping me.
I was hanging out with Dave... we were at a billiards/pool hall. Dave was trying so hard to convince me to date him and not keep kicking him to the friend zone, but Dave was the bottom of guppy pool and he never had a chance for anything more than being my friend.
Jay was there. Now, I had never talked to him, but I remember seeing him and I was instantly attracted to him (yes, Jay is right about us knowing if they are sexable or not in the first 5 seconds of seeing them) but I was still on my no sex oath. He has this way of looking at me, that makes the entire rest of the world just fade into the background. I have never had someone so focused on me like that before or since, that affected me like that. He did not even need to speak and I knew that I was in trouble with this one. I KNEW he was trouble and yet once he started to talk, it just solidified that fact and I was hit with the realization he was more alpha than I had thought. I was confused because I did not end up with the bad boys and I avoided alpha men like the plague. Sure I was a single mom at 20 but to be fair, I did not know Errol was cheating on me with anyone and everyone AND giving me a STD while he was at. I really thought he was the one for me. I was the good girl of the group. I went out of my way to be the nice, sweet one, regardless of how I looked and what people assumed of me.
Once Jay was talking all that shit about Spanke, he really riled me up. Like no one has ever done before, he brought out something in me, that I have always been able to keep just below the surface.
I have always loved Matt, as a FRIEND. Matt had helped me in so many different ways and to be honest, I loved hanging out with him at Popeye's (I think) in Old Sac and drinking those $1 melon balls and barely being able to walk up those damn stairs to get out, I always forget Matt was interested in me, mostly because he NEVER tried anything, never, not once. He was always so respectful and sweet to me. I would and did talk to him on the phone with him for hours. So the more Jay said the more upset I got, so yes, I called Matt and OMG, Jay had played me, and I, have always been able to look at a situation 500 different ways before reacting but not with Jay, actually never with Jay. I was mortified, they were friends. I think if I had driven there alone I would have walked out and not looked back, instead I swallowed my shame and walked over and just said "Matt said hi". Jay's laugh, ugh, I wanted to crawl under a rock. He had played me so hard and for the first time in my life, someone had definitely outsmarted me.
I thought that was that, he proved himself to be smarter and I had settled into the thought, he was definitely not someone I should even contemplate. He outsmarted me, he brought out a side of me I keep hidden and my attraction to him was growing... then he asked for my number, in front of Dave. Dave's face froze in something akin to shock. So my first response was "No". The relief in Dave's face was instantaneous.
"Are you afraid?" Jay says with that smirk, and the raised eyebrow with the challenge flashing in his eyes.
So my only response was "Of course not".
"Then give me your number" he snaps back, still with the laughter and challenge in his eyes.
I am trapped... He already humiliated me, outsmarted me, brought out my protective nature without me even needing it, and then now he is openly challenging me. Daring me.
So I did exactly what I did not want to do.
I gave him my number.
To say Dave was in a bad mood following this, understatement. When we went back to his house to hang out, he burned me with a lightbulb, to which I still have the scar to this day. Funny to think the day Jay and I started is still a mark on me and the mark is also BECAUSE of him, indirectly. Its been a constant reminder for the past 30 years of Jay.
Fast forward and Jay has not called me after a week, not once. I decide to go on a date with the BNG dude... and then I went out on another date the next night with his brother who was not in BNG. I do not even think they knew that I was dating them both. It was the following week that Jay called me. I am pretty sure he invited me to Mazatlan, and told me to meet him there that night. Which was fine, I was planning on going anyways. Lulu and I went together and she drove. I remember him inviting me over to his place after, I had to get my car and he told me where he lived. So Lulu and I went to her house and I went over to Jay & Carlos' apartment after. I do recall quite a few people there. I wasn't that drunk by then, yes, I was drinking. The more I try to recall the more vague memories that surface. When Jay said I was sitting on his lap kissing him, I do remember that, if it was that first night or another,that I do not. SMH, I remember him pushing me off his lap and taking my hand and taking me to his room.
I had not one ounce of resistance to him, and I never have and never will. Something about Jay melts all my resistance. He is right, saying no to him is nearly impossible. I have to fight my own self to say no to him and to be honest, the "no" are not said with much if any conviction anyways unless its via phone or text. LOL like he says I have all the balls until I am in front of him.
I really tried so hard to not get too wrapped up in him in the beginning. Especially when he would say things like, "I do not need sex everyday". He made me so addicted to him in every way. His mouth just does things to me that render me speechless. Aside from the oral sex, which was and is amazing... the interesting positions we did but he kisses me, and he does this thing where he sucks on my tongue, not hard but something about it makes my insides tighten up. No one has ever kissed me like that, I was almost sure he was the one who did that, but when he did it again, I was ecstatic it was him.
In the end I did get wrapped up in him. I loved him so much but I knew I never extracted anything from him that we were exclusive, I was afraid to ask for that, while also not wanting to know everything he was doing, even though, I swear every male within yelling distance was telling me how horrible of a person Jay was. I also was not blind, I saw a lot. It wasn't even all that which eventually pushed me away from him, it was his jealousy. It was the tears and insecurities. I do not care that I was there with him almost every day at his place, or that I was the one sleeping there with him on the weekends... there were so many hours in the day, who knew what he was doing? He made me cry, a lot. The accusations, at first, it was to make sure I had his attention. It was also because I wanted him to remember I always had options, but he WAS my choice. Eventually that backfired on me.
He thought I left him for Ed. I did not. There were a few more guys I ended up with between Jay and Ed. He had broken my sex oath and once I walked away from Jay that last night, I decided the best way to get over Jay was to get under someone new.
That last night... He was so angry. Ed and I were only friends. How he thought it was more than that, I do not know. Besides, we were not exclusive. He had never asked that from me and never demanded it from me. I knew when he closed the door to his bedroom, sealing us inside and the anger was coming off of him stronger than ever before, I should have left, and I tried but he was so drunk.
He forced me to call Ed over and over again and say the most horrible things on his answering machine. Jay called me more names than I even want to remember. When he decided we would have sex and repeatedly calling me a whore was the last straw, and the anal sex which was painful as hell, he kept grabbing my hair, he was so rough, he was leaving hickies everywhere and biting me. He continued to tell me while he is inside of me, that he was better than Ed, and he demanded I say that I did not want Ed. That I was not going to be with Ed. I was so grateful when he finally passed out and I was able to call Paul to come and get me, one of the few nights when Jay had picked me up from my dad's house. He did not rape me, he did not force me in any way. What he did do was break my heart and my trust. Still reeling from Gonzo, I was not going to let anyone treat me like this.
God, reliving this is as horrible as the night that it happened. I do not care how many times I recall that night, I remember moving so slowly from him and off the bed, praying I did not wake him up, walking around his room, picking up my clothes and getting dressed and my heart breaking. Trying to be quiet because I was terrified if he woke up and realized I was leaving and what he would say, I wanted to just get the hell out of there. Even calling Paul and whispering into the phone, worrying it would wake Jay even though I was in the living room/kitchen. For the first time I was terrified of Jay. When I walked out of his apartment, locking it before closing it for the last time, I started sobbing. I sat on the stairs crying, waiting for Paul. I did not even see or hear Paul, he had to walk up and guide me to his car where I curled up and wouldn't let him touch me, crying so hard I could not breath. Paul wanted to go back there and beat the shit out of Jay but I knew, Paul did not have a chance against Jay. I just wanted to go home.
When I got home, I was grateful my dad was already gone for fishing, I climbed into the shower and sat on the floor of the shower fully clothed and let the water pour over me, and sobbed and until the water ran ice cold, I stayed there. I turned off the water and I think I stayed there another hour until the water was hot again and sat through the water again until the water was ice cold again.
Something inside me broke. It was broken all these years. It was broken until that night with Jay on June 11th. What was broken? My ability to have sex without feeling as if it was just an action. That night with Jay made it easy for me to have affairs with no feelings for Ed, with no connection there were no feelings. I know Cosmos even tried to show me that sex was not just an action but he could not even break through to me. He really tried and even though he had his own issues, I am/was grateful he even attempted to fix what was broken. He was never the one that could have helped me. Sex with Jay is not an action... its a connection to him. The ultimate connection, and the reason why our sex is always so amazing. The connection. One time, Allan got that connection from me, one time, in 14 years. So the truth is I had that connection one time with someone in 30 years until Jay came back in my life. I am almost sure its because I was raped before him but somehow, I was able to connect with Jay emotionally until he in turn broke me the rest of the way.
All I could think the hours, day and weeks following that, Jay would reach out to me. He would. I could not have meant so little to him. I had tried to beg and plead to him that night, asking for him to believe me. But those weeks became months, and the reality set in. He was never going to reach out to me again. I barely saw him after that, except that one time at Groove Shack when I gave Mike another chance which of course he fucked up the same night and of course Paul had to come to save me again. But I do remember Jay watching Mike and I closely, he was drinking like usual and of course Mike wanted to play up the entire thing by kissing me. Jay walked away looking disgusted. Little did Jay know he should have been laughing because I was helping 4 idiots not choke on their own puke later that night, and would spend almost an hour looking for FUCKING mail to figure out where the hell I was at so Paul could come get me.
I got the job at the radio station after that, and started going to different night clubs, dating different guys. Which is how I know Ed and I did not end up together right after I left Jay's that night. Especially because those girls I was hanging out with would take me to raves in the bay area and give me all the E I could want.
With all of that... I decided somehow that Ed was going to be a safe bet. I could and would never love him. He could not hurt me.
Boy, was I wrong.
That's pretty much everything from the past. The moral of that story was that you can be hurt so badly your entire perspective and thought process changes but all of that can be reversed by that same person coming back in your life and undoing what was done.
Please let it be that me writing this releases me from the memories, the flashbacks. Jay would be devastated if he knew how often I get flashbacks from that night. Or the weeks of pleading in my own head for him to call.
Weak...
If my grandmother knew how much I actually need Jay, that is exactly what she would have said to me. Yet, here I am. Needing him more than I ever imagined possible. Needing and wanting him all wrapped up in a single emotion. Now that the sexual tension is finally lessening, thank you for that, we are stabilizing. I am grateful that intensity is gone. Not that I do not still want him, in that way, but now I am not blind with want.
Tomorrow, I get to see him tomorrow. And cuddles and his smell, just sleeping wrapped up and squished by him. Which I actually love, I feel grounded when he does that. Better than a weighted blanket for sure.
State job... I am getting so close to getting the HELL out of here
I think, I can do that once a week. Weekend to weekend is just too long to go without seeing him. Maybe I can come over to his house on Tuesday or Wednesday nights. It was not too much to do it last night and to be fair, when I am with him I sleep a hell of a lot better than I do without him. So even if it feels like I am missing 30 minutes of sleep, am I? Really?
The idea of changing my last name to his is really starting to feel right to me. However, I need him to ask me to do it. I am not going to do this without him asking. And a commitment ceremony seems fitting too. Maybe after his 20th year. When he is a dinosaur.
When he talks about his past, I am amazed by what all he was doing that I, honestly, had no clue about. Not even a little bit. I am proud of how far he has come, where he is now. I am grateful he did all that hard work already. I am and will be there for him if it gets bad. I stuck by Allan no matter how annoyed and frustrated I got. Allan could help himself, he just refused to even really try. No, not just the weight, I mean even going to the damn dentist.
I notice the small things he does too... Opening the car door for me. Wearing cologne... getting me water and juice. Making sure I eat and learning to share desserts. OMG THAT TIRAMISU was soooo good. He gave me well more than half. That dang mojito... it was like drinking straight rum. I was so drunk. One stupid drink and he offered a second one? I never would have been able to walk. I also notice how much he likes cuddling now. He lets me wrap myself around him, like the octopus he showed me. *eye roll*
I always need to be touching him in some way or another. HAVE to. I am grateful that this, us,we are finally finding a routine and we are not full of all that frantic energy anymore. What I hate more than anything, is that I only want him, sexually. Toys, me... not enough anymore. He has ruined me again, sexually. Even if that is a big part of us... which I happen to like, I hope he does too. There was something he said last night.. it bothered me in the moment but damn if I can even recall what the hell it was.
His kiss... I remembered that. I was not sure if it was him that did that. Sucking on my tongue like that. God, I have always loved that.
I do not know how Robin's man can tell her its not his responsibility to help her. I do not get why she stays with him. No matter how desperate and lonely I was, I would not stay with someone like that. I mean, really what does she benefit from being with him? He is insecure, cheats on her, if not physically than emotionally and he does not support her in any way shape or form. I would rather be single than that.
It took a month… but we’re figuring it out. Day by day. Moment to moment. I swear he sounds more annoyed than anything else about Saturday. I’m trying not to think about it.
