I remember the first time I noticed Jay. I thought I knew everyone in our group, but to be fair, when I had Jerrolyn I was out of the loop. When Errol cheated on me for the last fucking time, and getting treated for an STD, I was able to extract myself from him and did not look back.
After Errol, I had a few guys I tried dating, hell, even Allan and I tried, that crashed and burned.
Then I saw Jay at Aomi's. He talked to everyone I knew... which interested me. I remember asking who he was. I did not recognize his name, nor him. I could tell from just the way he interacted with people, he was someone who not only demanded respect but he got it with little effort. I have never liked alphas, as a female alpha, I was used to taking what I wanted from who I wanted. Even from a distance I knew he was way more than I could be, especially since most of the time I went with the "I'm pretty but stupid" routine which worked with almost any male, even while knowing I was manipulating the hell out of everyone and did not care. Females, I have always gone the meek and small route to avoid conflict, unless someone brought it out of me for good reason, I could and have been who I needed to be.
I was still messing around with Charlie at the time, so I was not technically available anyways. After Mike treated me like absolute crap after ceremoniously dropping Charlie, I was determined I was done dating anyone exclusively. I was just going to go on easy non-serious dates and no sex oath would continue, I was still recovering from Gonzo raping me.
I was hanging out with Dave... we were at a billiards/pool hall. Dave was trying so hard to convince me to date him and not keep kicking him to the friend zone, but Dave was the bottom of guppy pool and he never had a chance for anything more than being my friend.
Jay was there. Now, I had never talked to him, but I remember seeing him and I was instantly attracted to him (yes, Jay is right about us knowing if they are sexable or not in the first 5 seconds of seeing them) but I was still on my no sex oath. He has this way of looking at me, that makes the entire rest of the world just fade into the background. I have never had someone so focused on me like that before or since, that affected me like that. He did not even need to speak and I knew that I was in trouble with this one. I KNEW he was trouble and yet once he started to talk, it just solidified that fact and I was hit with the realization he was more alpha than I had thought. I was confused because I did not end up with the bad boys and I avoided alpha men like the plague. Sure I was a single mom at 20 but to be fair, I did not know Errol was cheating on me with anyone and everyone AND giving me a STD while he was at. I really thought he was the one for me. I was the good girl of the group. I went out of my way to be the nice, sweet one, regardless of how I looked and what people assumed of me.
Once Jay was talking all that shit about Spanke, he really riled me up. Like no one has ever done before, he brought out something in me, that I have always been able to keep just below the surface.
I have always loved Matt, as a FRIEND. Matt had helped me in so many different ways and to be honest, I loved hanging out with him at Popeye's (I think) in Old Sac and drinking those $1 melon balls and barely being able to walk up those damn stairs to get out, I always forget Matt was interested in me, mostly because he NEVER tried anything, never, not once. He was always so respectful and sweet to me. I would and did talk to him on the phone with him for hours. So the more Jay said the more upset I got, so yes, I called Matt and OMG, Jay had played me, and I, have always been able to look at a situation 500 different ways before reacting but not with Jay, actually never with Jay. I was mortified, they were friends. I think if I had driven there alone I would have walked out and not looked back, instead I swallowed my shame and walked over and just said "Matt said hi". Jay's laugh, ugh, I wanted to crawl under a rock. He had played me so hard and for the first time in my life, someone had definitely outsmarted me.
I thought that was that, he proved himself to be smarter and I had settled into the thought, he was definitely not someone I should even contemplate. He outsmarted me, he brought out a side of me I keep hidden and my attraction to him was growing... then he asked for my number, in front of Dave. Dave's face froze in something akin to shock. So my first response was "No". The relief in Dave's face was instantaneous.
"Are you afraid?" Jay says with that smirk, and the raised eyebrow with the challenge flashing in his eyes.
So my only response was "Of course not".
"Then give me your number" he snaps back, still with the laughter and challenge in his eyes.
I am trapped... He already humiliated me, outsmarted me, brought out my protective nature without me even needing it, and then now he is openly challenging me. Daring me.
So I did exactly what I did not want to do.
I gave him my number.
To say Dave was in a bad mood following this, understatement. When we went back to his house to hang out, he burned me with a lightbulb, to which I still have the scar to this day. Funny to think the day Jay and I started is still a mark on me and the mark is also BECAUSE of him, indirectly. Its been a constant reminder for the past 30 years of Jay.
Fast forward and Jay has not called me after a week, not once. I decide to go on a date with the BNG dude... and then I went out on another date the next night with his brother who was not in BNG. I do not even think they knew that I was dating them both. It was the following week that Jay called me. I am pretty sure he invited me to Mazatlan, and told me to meet him there that night. Which was fine, I was planning on going anyways. Lulu and I went together and she drove. I remember him inviting me over to his place after, I had to get my car and he told me where he lived. So Lulu and I went to her house and I went over to Jay & Carlos' apartment after. I do recall quite a few people there. I wasn't that drunk by then, yes, I was drinking. The more I try to recall the more vague memories that surface. When Jay said I was sitting on his lap kissing him, I do remember that, if it was that first night or another,that I do not. SMH, I remember him pushing me off his lap and taking my hand and taking me to his room.
I had not one ounce of resistance to him, and I never have and never will. Something about Jay melts all my resistance. He is right, saying no to him is nearly impossible. I have to fight my own self to say no to him and to be honest, the "no" are not said with much if any conviction anyways unless its via phone or text. LOL like he says I have all the balls until I am in front of him.
I really tried so hard to not get too wrapped up in him in the beginning. Especially when he would say things like, "I do not need sex everyday". He made me so addicted to him in every way. His mouth just does things to me that render me speechless. Aside from the oral sex, which was and is amazing... the interesting positions we did but he kisses me, and he does this thing where he sucks on my tongue, not hard but something about it makes my insides tighten up. No one has ever kissed me like that, I was almost sure he was the one who did that, but when he did it again, I was ecstatic it was him.
In the end I did get wrapped up in him. I loved him so much but I knew I never extracted anything from him that we were exclusive, I was afraid to ask for that, while also not wanting to know everything he was doing, even though, I swear every male within yelling distance was telling me how horrible of a person Jay was. I also was not blind, I saw a lot. It wasn't even all that which eventually pushed me away from him, it was his jealousy. It was the tears and insecurities. I do not care that I was there with him almost every day at his place, or that I was the one sleeping there with him on the weekends... there were so many hours in the day, who knew what he was doing? He made me cry, a lot. The accusations, at first, it was to make sure I had his attention. It was also because I wanted him to remember I always had options, but he WAS my choice. Eventually that backfired on me.
He thought I left him for Ed. I did not. There were a few more guys I ended up with between Jay and Ed. He had broken my sex oath and once I walked away from Jay that last night, I decided the best way to get over Jay was to get under someone new.
That last night... He was so angry. Ed and I were only friends. How he thought it was more than that, I do not know. Besides, we were not exclusive. He had never asked that from me and never demanded it from me. I knew when he closed the door to his bedroom, sealing us inside and the anger was coming off of him stronger than ever before, I should have left, and I tried but he was so drunk.
He forced me to call Ed over and over again and say the most horrible things on his answering machine. Jay called me more names than I even want to remember. When he decided we would have sex and repeatedly calling me a whore was the last straw, and the anal sex which was painful as hell, he kept grabbing my hair, he was so rough, he was leaving hickies everywhere and biting me. He continued to tell me while he is inside of me, that he was better than Ed, and he demanded I say that I did not want Ed. That I was not going to be with Ed. I was so grateful when he finally passed out and I was able to call Paul to come and get me, one of the few nights when Jay had picked me up from my dad's house. He did not rape me, he did not force me in any way. What he did do was break my heart and my trust. Still reeling from Gonzo, I was not going to let anyone treat me like this.
God, reliving this is as horrible as the night that it happened. I do not care how many times I recall that night, I remember moving so slowly from him and off the bed, praying I did not wake him up, walking around his room, picking up my clothes and getting dressed and my heart breaking. Trying to be quiet because I was terrified if he woke up and realized I was leaving and what he would say, I wanted to just get the hell out of there. Even calling Paul and whispering into the phone, worrying it would wake Jay even though I was in the living room/kitchen. For the first time I was terrified of Jay. When I walked out of his apartment, locking it before closing it for the last time, I started sobbing. I sat on the stairs crying, waiting for Paul. I did not even see or hear Paul, he had to walk up and guide me to his car where I curled up and wouldn't let him touch me, crying so hard I could not breath. Paul wanted to go back there and beat the shit out of Jay but I knew, Paul did not have a chance against Jay. I just wanted to go home.
When I got home, I was grateful my dad was already gone for fishing, I climbed into the shower and sat on the floor of the shower fully clothed and let the water pour over me, and sobbed and until the water ran ice cold, I stayed there. I turned off the water and I think I stayed there another hour until the water was hot again and sat through the water again until the water was ice cold again.
Something inside me broke. It was broken all these years. It was broken until that night with Jay on June 11th. What was broken? My ability to have sex without feeling as if it was just an action. That night with Jay made it easy for me to have affairs with no feelings for Ed, with no connection there were no feelings. I know Cosmos even tried to show me that sex was not just an action but he could not even break through to me. He really tried and even though he had his own issues, I am/was grateful he even attempted to fix what was broken. He was never the one that could have helped me. Sex with Jay is not an action... its a connection to him. The ultimate connection, and the reason why our sex is always so amazing. The connection. One time, Allan got that connection from me, one time, in 14 years. So the truth is I had that connection one time with someone in 30 years until Jay came back in my life. I am almost sure its because I was raped before him but somehow, I was able to connect with Jay emotionally until he in turn broke me the rest of the way.
All I could think the hours, day and weeks following that, Jay would reach out to me. He would. I could not have meant so little to him. I had tried to beg and plead to him that night, asking for him to believe me. But those weeks became months, and the reality set in. He was never going to reach out to me again. I barely saw him after that, except that one time at Groove Shack when I gave Mike another chance which of course he fucked up the same night and of course Paul had to come to save me again. But I do remember Jay watching Mike and I closely, he was drinking like usual and of course Mike wanted to play up the entire thing by kissing me. Jay walked away looking disgusted. Little did Jay know he should have been laughing because I was helping 4 idiots not choke on their own puke later that night, and would spend almost an hour looking for FUCKING mail to figure out where the hell I was at so Paul could come get me.
I got the job at the radio station after that, and started going to different night clubs, dating different guys. Which is how I know Ed and I did not end up together right after I left Jay's that night. Especially because those girls I was hanging out with would take me to raves in the bay area and give me all the E I could want.
With all of that... I decided somehow that Ed was going to be a safe bet. I could and would never love him. He could not hurt me.
Boy, was I wrong.
That's pretty much everything from the past. The moral of that story was that you can be hurt so badly your entire perspective and thought process changes but all of that can be reversed by that same person coming back in your life and undoing what was done.
Please let it be that me writing this releases me from the memories, the flashbacks. Jay would be devastated if he knew how often I get flashbacks from that night. Or the weeks of pleading in my own head for him to call.
