Oct 6th

 Finally friday :) Alexis... my heart breaks for her. Part of me finally is connecting with her and I am so grateful for that not the circumstances... gah... not that. No one should have to deal with what she is dealing with. Jay is so wonderful with her... she doesn't feel like a little sister but more of a surrogate daughter. I really hope she does not go back to this guy. I just know the stats... and they are not good. 

So I do not mind sharing Jay for the next 2 weeks... I am so proud of him. We will help her as much as we can and even against Jay's wishes if we can sneak into the house to get her things... I am worried he will destroy her stuff and hurt her puppy. I know, I am self projecting but I can't help it. I am glad he got some real sleep today... less wrinkles in his forehead and that vein in his forehead is non existent. 

Oct 5th

His vein in his forehead is prominent again. He said his head hurts. Headache?? His bipolar??? I just don’t know  but it’s worrying me. I’m glad I’m back home. With him. Coming home to him and his grumpy sleepy ass is always worth it. By mid day he was yanking my shorts off and making me cum. I’m so grateful how much he loves to do that and how good he’s gotten at it. But he’s so stressed. I know it’s this job. Learning new things being responsible and he’s taking it so hard when I don’t expect anyone would think he would know it all in his first fucking week. 

Randomly he asked me about diamonds again last night. Not sure what random thought popped in his head. 

Okay so oddly enough that awesome job??? I think I did okay? LIKE WHAT? There were a few moments when I thought nope... but now I am not sure... I think its 50/50?

I have been quiet all day today... I am not sure why.. I think I was nervous about the interview. Its insane amount of money! Not only that but I will be happy doing this

Oct 4th

Rachel’s 2 year anniversary. He’s struggling. Not a lot. Not quite enough for me to be concerned with but I see it. I’m glad he has a lunch planned with his friends. I’m also relieved I won’t be there. It feels awkward sometimes with him and Charles. Just sitting there. I can only imagine their conversations when I’m not there. Soooo yeah. Let him do his thing. I’m sitting here watching him sleep. Mouth open and nose hairs everywhere and all I can think is god he’s just so good looking and he’s mine. How did I get so lucky? 

I also want him to fuck me but … oh well I can survive until tomorrow. Or Friday  or Saturday. We had really amazing sex yesterday. I love when he’s on top but I also love being on top too. My muscles are finally getting used to all our positions  

October 3rd

So one work night down and he is on to his second. I know he is exhausted but I am so proud of him. I am not even sure I have a right to be but I am so happy to be a part of this life. Seeing him grow into this capable person. I know that for so long he was not which seems so hard for me to imagine but I see those glimpses of when he is struggling… When he is rocking and swaying and closing his eyes. In his own world but I see that becoming less and less as his start date got closer. I got the key to the house today… So weird. 5 months and I am officially as can be, living with Jay. Not just Jay but yes, Jay Martinez. I can’t help but think of him in that way still. I still cannot believe this is my life. I am with the one person in my entire life that I have always wanted… always needed. Holy shit he wants me too.

He is so adamant about us being equals even though I can legitimately make 3 times what he is. I think that is so sweet of him… I want to help him a lot more than that until we combine our finances and then it just won’t matter.

For him… eh… he just goes with it, meanwhile I look at him in complete and utter disbelief that this is my life. That he is my life. He is everything I have ever wanted…. I do not get to live my dream life. My life is always lacking and somehow goes to utter shit. I am actually waiting for when it does… how fucked up is that?

I am expecting at any moment that this will all fall apart, helllooooo overthinking! But I have been able to push that away. Like really push it away lately… he spent a lot of time convincing me we were okay. He spent time today telling me that I’m doing better talking to him and he’s going to try harder with touching me. God. He touches me and my entire consciousness centers on wherever that is at any given moment. I didn’t realize how desperately I need touch. I had an idea. I think mostly because of how quickly when a relationship sours… I’m backing so far away physically we may as well be in different rooms. Especially with Ed. Forcing my body not to respond to him. That I remember distinctly still. I’m getting rid of the toy. I think it’s fucking me up somehow. I don’t want that to be a hindrance

Oct 2nd

 Well today is the day... he starts work. He is nervous and working through it. I can't imagine what this is like for him. I know he is going to be great at it. He is so good with people and helping people. I am even envious of that skill but at the same time, I know my acumen for technology is something that I prefer and I really do not want to work with people. I like just being me... doing what I want when I want. I am not sure why he is going down on me so much lately... as if I would complain! I love it and his mouth on me... I am trying my best to distract him as much as possible, not sure if I am even doing anything at all. 2 more hours before he leaves... handed me a huge stack of bills which one I did not bother counting and two he gave to me for a massage and chipotle??? Way more than I need and I appreciate it. I think I would rather chipotle and target though. Pick up a few things and snacks to entertain me while he is gone. I will go home on Wednesday... plan Disney now WITHOUT jessica. Am I complaining? NOPE

OMG I got the damn interview... I made it to Chipotle... even Target :) All by myself. I feel like I at least accomplished something don't get me wrong, I love being with Jay but I do still love my independence too. Maria texted me... wanting to go out to dinner again with Chelle and Tuyen. I would actually like that. Not sure how that will work if I am working in Benecia... OMG I cannot believe I am interviewing! I want that job. I want to be here... I WANT TO BE WORKING HERE... I will figure out the cost and all that crap later. I will be here... I will be with him every day.

Oct 1

He wants to come home from work and I will be here... I think that is the sweetest thing I have ever heard from him. I cannot believe it is already October... How did time move so fast and yet so slow at the same time? We talked a lot last night and I let myself open up more... its still not easy for me. But I am trying as much as I can. He did mention that I jump a lot less at night and I am more relaxed. He is laying next to me sleeping... jerk... lol... we just had sex and I am so awake now... No way am I taking a nap. I am amazed how much better its getting between us. How is that even possible? I love every way that he touches me. Actually I am kind of amazed at how I react to him. We are definitely getting better at this. Today has been great.  

Sept 30th

Why? 

Why does the state of our relationship rely so heavily on his physical touch? I hate how much I need him. I actually have it. It makes me feel so… slutty? This morning to distract him from his anxiety and everything I gave him head. I loved doing that of course it was after he went down on me and I sat on top of him kissing him and grinding down on top of him. 

Then this afternoon he went down on me again, then used his hands on me and god he got hard. So hard. I had to get on top. And why?!?! Why am I suddenly all connected to him again? What the fuck is wrong with me. We can’t be all physical? It’s disgusting that I’m like this. How much I need his physical touch and his dick inside of me. We have sex constantly but go without a day or two and I’m feeling like we are done. Fuck like rabbits and I’m back at it. 

We went to a meeting today  met another friend of his. Said Jay has been telling him all about how I’m a good girl. My fucking insides melted. Then he said he wanted an invite to the wedding. What is Jay telling people? I’m praying it’s just because we are new and I have old insecurities. I can’t just keep fucking him to fall in love with him. We have to be more than that.