October 3rd

So one work night down and he is on to his second. I know he is exhausted but I am so proud of him. I am not even sure I have a right to be but I am so happy to be a part of this life. Seeing him grow into this capable person. I know that for so long he was not which seems so hard for me to imagine but I see those glimpses of when he is struggling… When he is rocking and swaying and closing his eyes. In his own world but I see that becoming less and less as his start date got closer. I got the key to the house today… So weird. 5 months and I am officially as can be, living with Jay. Not just Jay but yes, Jay Martinez. I can’t help but think of him in that way still. I still cannot believe this is my life. I am with the one person in my entire life that I have always wanted… always needed. Holy shit he wants me too.

He is so adamant about us being equals even though I can legitimately make 3 times what he is. I think that is so sweet of him… I want to help him a lot more than that until we combine our finances and then it just won’t matter.

For him… eh… he just goes with it, meanwhile I look at him in complete and utter disbelief that this is my life. That he is my life. He is everything I have ever wanted…. I do not get to live my dream life. My life is always lacking and somehow goes to utter shit. I am actually waiting for when it does… how fucked up is that?

I am expecting at any moment that this will all fall apart, helllooooo overthinking! But I have been able to push that away. Like really push it away lately… he spent a lot of time convincing me we were okay. He spent time today telling me that I’m doing better talking to him and he’s going to try harder with touching me. God. He touches me and my entire consciousness centers on wherever that is at any given moment. I didn’t realize how desperately I need touch. I had an idea. I think mostly because of how quickly when a relationship sours… I’m backing so far away physically we may as well be in different rooms. Especially with Ed. Forcing my body not to respond to him. That I remember distinctly still. I’m getting rid of the toy. I think it’s fucking me up somehow. I don’t want that to be a hindrance