May 6th

Today was easier. I cried a little less. I only forgot you were gone a few times and it wasn’t shocking to remember it all. 

Replaying the past 27 days is my new past time. 

I miss you so much. I’m making a quilt of your shirts. I can hear you both shocked and proud at the same time. You are my biggest cheerleader.

I know you understand why I’m doing it. But omg I’m sure you hate it at the same time. I’m using shirts you didn’t wear constantly so it’s less triggering. I still can hear your voice. 

Babe. Kitty wants out. 

Babe what’s for dinner? Want to go get something? What do YOU want? 

Honey one of the animals just barfed/pooped over here  

Hearing you walk down the hall to the bathroom. Hearing you talk on the phone or watching YouTube shorts and big bang theory all on at the same time. 

May 5th 14th dating anniversary

It’s now weird to wake up. I know you’re gone. It does not hit me like a fucking truck every time I wake up. It was getting really old. Really fast. So I’m grateful for that. 

14 years ago in the wee early morning hours you messaged me on Facebook. When I responded and we were texting, as soon as you said you were single. No kids. That was it. You were mine. 

Our love started when I was only 19 and reached into our 50s. I was so scared to fall in love with you then. Absolutely sure you couldn’t be the man I needed for jerrolyn. I wanted you to be. But you weren’t. 

Instead I walked away. You matured and craved love. Relationship. Someone that would be yours. I was that. I was always yours. Hearing how sad you were in front of your family the Christmas before we got together broke my heart but also, sealed our fate. I knew. No matter what. I was yours and you would fight for me. But you didn’t fight as hard as you should have honey. You should have put more effort into pushing past my walls. I tried to tell you how to love me. I never once resisted you physically but I needed you to reach for me. And you did. And when you did. We were amazing. In every way. In every sense. 

Was I annoyed with you a lot. Yes. I wanted you to love you and much as I did. But your self loathing made it hard to not be mad. Your self deprecating manners. 

May 4th 2023, One week that you have been gone

 It has been one week.

One week of tears, screaming, not sleeping, not eating. Wishing and begging for you to just be alive. To be okay. To wake up from this nightmare. 

Sleep being the worst because I dream of you, alive and here, waking up and you are gone. My heart breaking over and over again as I relive the past month in seconds with silent screams as the memories rush through me. My days I spend reading texts, emails, posts. Falling in love with you over and over again. 

Trying to go out in public but seeing couples, happy and smiling while my heart fills with jealousy of all the moments we won't have. The emptiness stretching out before me for eternity. 

I have my children, our lovely granddaughter Olivia standing here, taking my hands and telling me, to stay. When all I want to do is be with you. Wherever you are. 

But I know I have to make sure that everything is taken care of first. Ensuring that they have a stable future ahead of them. More than anything, I need something in the future to look forward to.

So I am clinging to the movie, What Dreams May Come. When the husband dies, his wife, lost, depressed and unable to fathom life without her family, commits suicide. She does not get to join him, she is lost in purgatory. He finds her, brings her back. I know you, I do not think you would be strong enough to bring me back, I would be lost in my own mind, never reuniting with you. 

So I will live, live in the belief that we will be reunited. Knowing you are the great love of my life spanning over 3 decades. The perfectly imperfect man for me, I the perfectly imperfect woman for you. 

May 3rd 2023

I’m taking off the days. I think it’s confusing. Because it’s only been 6 days since you passed away. But I counted the day you passed away as 1. The first day without you. 

I spent the evening with my brother and his wife. As much as I love my husbands friends and family. I need mine too. It eased a small part of the heart ache. I also got to talk more about you. Which helps too. 

I don’t want anyone to forget you. I hate that there are people out there that don’t know how wonderful and amazing you are. Like our granddaughter. She would have never known you as anything but hers. I’m sad. You didn’t get that. I know my kids love you. I know love them. But you weren’t their dad. They have one. But Olivia would only see you as one of her grandpas. That’s it. 

Sleeping. Eating. It’s slowly getting easier. 

I had a dream. You were alive. You were planning something. Going out with the guys. We were on our own vacation. It was pouring rain. They had sat us outside at a restaurant. My cat crackhead was there. We threw her in a kennel. It was Vegas. I remember I got this overwhelming feeling to tell you. Where you go I go. From now on. But even though we were in a restaurant. Now I was in the hotel room. I dialed your number on my cell phone. Then I realized. I was too late. You were gone. I woke up. My heart breaking again. I’m writing it down moments after the dream. 

That’s how my morning begins. I’m not going back to sleep. 

My vows to Allan

Allan, I first saw you when I was only 19. I still remember that moment. You stole my breath away and you still do every time I see you.

 

I was 20 when I realized I was falling in love with you and opted to run away rather than find out if you could love me too

 

I was 36 when I knew I hadn’t run fast enough, falling in love with you was never something I had decided to do, it had already happened.

 

Here I am now beside you

 

A place I never thought I could be again.

 

Promising to be with you forever because there is no where else I want to be.

 I want to marry you because I feel like I have loved you my whole life. I want to grow old with you, smile and laugh all the days of my life because I have never been happier then when I am while I am with you.

 

I know that our love for each other is the type that people search their entire lives for and many never find. Our love is a fairytale come true for me and even the best of my dreams don’t come close to my reality here today among our friends and family

 

Marrying you, is my dreams come true

 

I promise to love you and care for you. Every day I will fall in love with you a little more. I will always be honest, kind patient and forgiving while keeping a sense of humor.

 

Most of all I promise to be loyal and true to you
I love you

Day 6 May 2nd 2023

Sleep is harder tonight. It is 12:39am. I was dreaming. About you. I had dreams with you in them before but now… only you. It was just us talking. Mundane boring conversation… but I’ll miss that. Just us trying to solve everyone’s problems between the two of us. 

I wish there was a game that would just put me to sleep. Just play. Sleep. I just can’t relax enough. I sleep on my side of the bed. Never venturing to your side. 

I just dreamt that you texted me. I love you. I love my dreams… I’m so grateful for them. 

We were in a train. Weird train. After we got off the train we kept traveling someone else was there as well. 

Part of me feels bad going through all of your devices. But I mean hello… I’m your wife. I did find some old pics with some girl in 2006. Deleted those and emptied that trash. You’re mine. That’s it that’s all. The jealousy wasn’t there once we were married. Twinges now and then… but that has more to do with our collective pasts and who we were more so than who we were married. 

When we started dating, again. I remember you thinking you didn’t deserve happiness… you didn’t deserve love. Your cousin Lisa was telling me the Christmas before we started again, how sad you were. Everyone was coupling up. Marrying. Having kids. You were alone. She told me how much of a change I brought to your life… how happy you were that you had me. Your someone. I forgot about that. I remember Maria and Maricel telling me how much they hated the girl’s you brought around. How much they loved me. Loved me for you. 

I know there were times where our relationship was just… There. Together. Quiet. But still a bond. You’ve always doubted my love for you. I’ve always loved you. Since the moment you walked up to me at mayos. But it was the wrong time. The wrong circumstances and you weren’t willing to change. Not the way I completely changed my life for you the second time. 

I’d do it all over again. 

I found texts and emails about us having kids. Possibly trying.. of course I was 36. You 37. Half heartedly trying. Then you asked me a few months ago if I regret not having kids. I do. A little. But I’m glad I never had to share your attention… I mean yes. You had so many other interests but I knew I was your number one. Hearing Lei talk about you leaving the studio because I asked… smh. I always wondered why it seemed like your sessions were short. You would leave early. For me. To get dinner. To hang out. I love that you did this. Not to say when you had a vacation day and I’d call out too just to be home with you. Not doing anything. Just being here. Did you ever realize that? 

Day 5 May 1st 2023

So I guess I need to be careful when I publish anything  it’s damn near impossible to edit. 

I feel like people are starting to forget you. It’s irrational. I know. I can’t think of anything BUT you. 

I slept better last night. Actually ate yesterday. 

Usually at this time… you’d have a light on, banging around in the bathroom. I swear making as much noise as freaking possible. I’d be here… contemplating just waking up now… or staying in bed. I’m just staying in bed. Wishing you were here turning on lights… making noise. Leaving a mess in the bathroom sink. I’d never internally complain again if it meant I’d get you back. 

I can feel the third stage of grief taking off. 

But the logical, rational side… knows there is no way to undo what’s been done. The what ifs don’t matter. You were so sick. Even if you’d gone in sooner, it might not have been caught or they would have caught it but no difference made. So I know begging. Pleading. Praying. It doesn’t change the outcome now. 

I’m reading all of our old emails and texts because you my sentimental husband kept them all. I keep looking through your phone for anything from some other girl. It’s like this obsession for me. A distraction. I know I won’t find anything. We fell in love so hard and so fast it took both of our breaths away and even though we tried to slow it down… It didn’t work. 

I told you I was falling in love with you before we even went out on our date. Our date at chili’s? I remember you pressing up against me. We sat at the bar. Even in the beginning being inseparable. Then we kissed goodbye… So wrong. I was still married. But we couldn’t stop it. I left my husband within a month of you contacting me. I never looked back. But to be fair. The first time we dated you had a girl friend. Even then we couldn’t resist one another. 

I love that we were each others “craziest place you’ve had sex” story. My work. A lab of all places!!! But 30 years ago if you touched me, I basically melted. The same was true all these decades later. 

I know if you’d survived this… I would have clung to you like a monkey for the rest of our lives… 

Since you’re not here… and you’re not coming back. I need to stay healthy. Live for my kids and our granddaughter. I’m losing 70 pounds between now and you death anniversary. You’re not here to buy me all my favorite foods. You’re not here to spoil me with random dinners together. I’m cleaning out the pantry today…starting over. I’m not sure there is somewhere we go after death, but if there is you had better be there. Waiting for me. You were it for me. I’m never dating. Never getting married again. Our love is my final chapter be it however long I live. You were everything I wanted. Needed. We grew into each other. I don’t want anyone that close to me. I couldn’t survive another heartbreak like this. I don’t want to love again because I loved you so much. Even when we got boring. Routine. I freaking loved you!! 

As I donate your items. Clean up what is in the house. DREADING the storage. Which I have to go by today to pay and give them notice… so many things!!! I’m keeping some of your clothes. The ones that smell like you. I’ll pick a few of your hats to keep. Then I’ll let your boys choose one each. To keep. In your memory. I’ll make keychains for each of them with a link to your Spotify playlist. 

You should see all of the animals. Middle of the morning and they’re all piled on me. Worried because I can’t stop crying. 

I loved finding photos of you with them. They make me laugh.

 

Sage was definitely your favorite. 

Today was overall a good day. I’m getting back on anti depressants. I basically talked myself out with all the phone calls I was on today. Talking about you. Remembering you. People just listening. I didn’t talk outloud as much to you today as other days. I wasn’t listening for you. Day 5 was different… I still cry easily… My heart breaks whenever it hits me that you’re gone… But it was just a little less after I cried it out when I woke up and relived the past 3 weeks in 5 seconds. 

I miss your random kisses… hearing your million nicknames for me. Mama, boo, bae, grandma. 

My heart is doing it again… falling in love with you and breaking at the same time… I am hoping for the day that stops. It speeds up as I fall… and thumps hard as it breaks.