I feel like people are starting to forget you. It’s irrational. I know. I can’t think of anything BUT you.
I slept better last night. Actually ate yesterday.
Usually at this time… you’d have a light on, banging around in the bathroom. I swear making as much noise as freaking possible. I’d be here… contemplating just waking up now… or staying in bed. I’m just staying in bed. Wishing you were here turning on lights… making noise. Leaving a mess in the bathroom sink. I’d never internally complain again if it meant I’d get you back.
I can feel the third stage of grief taking off.
But the logical, rational side… knows there is no way to undo what’s been done. The what ifs don’t matter. You were so sick. Even if you’d gone in sooner, it might not have been caught or they would have caught it but no difference made. So I know begging. Pleading. Praying. It doesn’t change the outcome now.
I’m reading all of our old emails and texts because you my sentimental husband kept them all. I keep looking through your phone for anything from some other girl. It’s like this obsession for me. A distraction. I know I won’t find anything. We fell in love so hard and so fast it took both of our breaths away and even though we tried to slow it down… It didn’t work.
I told you I was falling in love with you before we even went out on our date. Our date at chili’s? I remember you pressing up against me. We sat at the bar. Even in the beginning being inseparable. Then we kissed goodbye… So wrong. I was still married. But we couldn’t stop it. I left my husband within a month of you contacting me. I never looked back. But to be fair. The first time we dated you had a girl friend. Even then we couldn’t resist one another.
I love that we were each others “craziest place you’ve had sex” story. My work. A lab of all places!!! But 30 years ago if you touched me, I basically melted. The same was true all these decades later.
I know if you’d survived this… I would have clung to you like a monkey for the rest of our lives…
Since you’re not here… and you’re not coming back. I need to stay healthy. Live for my kids and our granddaughter. I’m losing 70 pounds between now and you death anniversary. You’re not here to buy me all my favorite foods. You’re not here to spoil me with random dinners together. I’m cleaning out the pantry today…starting over. I’m not sure there is somewhere we go after death, but if there is you had better be there. Waiting for me. You were it for me. I’m never dating. Never getting married again. Our love is my final chapter be it however long I live. You were everything I wanted. Needed. We grew into each other. I don’t want anyone that close to me. I couldn’t survive another heartbreak like this. I don’t want to love again because I loved you so much. Even when we got boring. Routine. I freaking loved you!!
As I donate your items. Clean up what is in the house. DREADING the storage. Which I have to go by today to pay and give them notice… so many things!!! I’m keeping some of your clothes. The ones that smell like you. I’ll pick a few of your hats to keep. Then I’ll let your boys choose one each. To keep. In your memory. I’ll make keychains for each of them with a link to your Spotify playlist.
You should see all of the animals. Middle of the morning and they’re all piled on me. Worried because I can’t stop crying.
I loved finding photos of you with them. They make me laugh.
Sage was definitely your favorite.
Today was overall a good day. I’m getting back on anti depressants. I basically talked myself out with all the phone calls I was on today. Talking about you. Remembering you. People just listening. I didn’t talk outloud as much to you today as other days. I wasn’t listening for you. Day 5 was different… I still cry easily… My heart breaks whenever it hits me that you’re gone… But it was just a little less after I cried it out when I woke up and relived the past 3 weeks in 5 seconds.
I miss your random kisses… hearing your million nicknames for me. Mama, boo, bae, grandma.
My heart is doing it again… falling in love with you and breaking at the same time… I am hoping for the day that stops. It speeds up as I fall… and thumps hard as it breaks.
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