Day 6 May 2nd 2023

Sleep is harder tonight. It is 12:39am. I was dreaming. About you. I had dreams with you in them before but now… only you. It was just us talking. Mundane boring conversation… but I’ll miss that. Just us trying to solve everyone’s problems between the two of us. 

I wish there was a game that would just put me to sleep. Just play. Sleep. I just can’t relax enough. I sleep on my side of the bed. Never venturing to your side. 

I just dreamt that you texted me. I love you. I love my dreams… I’m so grateful for them. 

We were in a train. Weird train. After we got off the train we kept traveling someone else was there as well. 

Part of me feels bad going through all of your devices. But I mean hello… I’m your wife. I did find some old pics with some girl in 2006. Deleted those and emptied that trash. You’re mine. That’s it that’s all. The jealousy wasn’t there once we were married. Twinges now and then… but that has more to do with our collective pasts and who we were more so than who we were married. 

When we started dating, again. I remember you thinking you didn’t deserve happiness… you didn’t deserve love. Your cousin Lisa was telling me the Christmas before we started again, how sad you were. Everyone was coupling up. Marrying. Having kids. You were alone. She told me how much of a change I brought to your life… how happy you were that you had me. Your someone. I forgot about that. I remember Maria and Maricel telling me how much they hated the girl’s you brought around. How much they loved me. Loved me for you. 

I know there were times where our relationship was just… There. Together. Quiet. But still a bond. You’ve always doubted my love for you. I’ve always loved you. Since the moment you walked up to me at mayos. But it was the wrong time. The wrong circumstances and you weren’t willing to change. Not the way I completely changed my life for you the second time. 

I’d do it all over again. 

I found texts and emails about us having kids. Possibly trying.. of course I was 36. You 37. Half heartedly trying. Then you asked me a few months ago if I regret not having kids. I do. A little. But I’m glad I never had to share your attention… I mean yes. You had so many other interests but I knew I was your number one. Hearing Lei talk about you leaving the studio because I asked… smh. I always wondered why it seemed like your sessions were short. You would leave early. For me. To get dinner. To hang out. I love that you did this. Not to say when you had a vacation day and I’d call out too just to be home with you. Not doing anything. Just being here. Did you ever realize that?