June 8th

Soulmates

Jay said that. I always thought mine was Cosmos. But how could he be with how shitty he treated me. 

I guess I get hung up on Cosmos and I matching #1 across all the zodiac charts. 

Jay is a better fit. That would elevate both of us. Why I think I’ll search for him after death.

I love how we are growing closer every single day. We are building up the sexual tension but is more than that. 

I love Jay.  I love him so much.  

I thought I would be waking up to a good mood...

But no, not today. 

I cannot forget how Allan had photos of ex girl friends in his fire box. September of last year. That was when he intentionally put those photos in there. Not one of me. Oh no... not even our wedding.

It was bad enough I had to find full fucking albums with ex girlfriends before & after me but then you ADD that on top of it. I still look through his phone trying to figure out if he did cheat on me, and if he did with who. AND if he did, was that why he basically ignored me for years?

It makes me mad and sad all at the same time and maybe all of this is just the grief and I am another wave. I hope this is what that is. 

Great we got a check for an overpayment... Now I have to call them to change it. WTF

June 6th

Love. 

“I love our relationship”

“I think I’m falling in love with you all over again”

His words. 

I want the commitment before I’m naked. 

I want to spend the rest of my life with you. As your best friend and life partner. Not just or only your girlfriend. You are the rest of my life. I don’t need marriage or to have your last name. We’ve done that before with others. We know what we have is not only special, and unique but so intense the fire between us can't burn out. 

Right here right now. I promise to be yours Jay. There will be no one else… I will be faithful to you. To us, until death. 

You take my breath away. You hold my heart in your hands. You make me excited to wake up every morning and knowing that you love me soothes my fears at night. 

I promise to tell you what I need, and to let you be there for me. I promise to let you take care of me and protect me. I will provide you everything you need and more, I will take care of you and protect you. 

If something happens to me before you, you have my permission to move on. I want you to be happy. 

I want you. I want us. I fell in love with you when I was only 21 and I did not know how important you were to me then. Almost 30 years later, the impact you had over my life proves how important you were in my past, my every day now and my future. 

I love you Jason Bruce Martinez

I need to learn how to let him take care of me. That was easy, before. I loved him doing things for me before. Then my dad died and I was left without him, then my grandmother the only person who could take care of me, was me. I know he is sincere... I know how much he wants to take care of me, how much he needs to do that for me. Just not sure I can just let him, and secretly there is a part of me so excited for him to take care of me. Knowing that I will be taken care of, loved and protected. Especially protected. I have NEVER felt more safe than with Jay. I love how I do things to him he has not felt in years. Me, I am doing that. With only words. 

I definitely feel like Sunday will be interesting. Kissing him, I wonder how we will resist tearing each other apart. When he talks about all the things he wants to do... it makes every part of me throb for him. When we talk about the time before... and the nightclubs and me always going home with him. Everytime after we would have sex, after school more sex. We had a lot of it in that short amount of time. I know he is worried about his performance... he could not possibly disappoint me. If if he cums quickly I KNOW he will make sure I am taken care of. Him loosing himself to me? That is a compliment. It is even more of a compliment how he is responding to me. Being so turned on. 

So lets go over the after the ceremony... I hope I can write this all out.

I am going to let him kiss me. Then tell him he needs to sit on the bed with the blind fold on after he turns off the lights. 

I will go and change brush my teeth and climb on his lap. Then I will explain the rules: Really only one, he can't touch me unless I tell him to. 

I want to start with light kisses. Then begin nibbling on him. Talking him through it. Whispering my need in his ear. Rubbing against him. Not kissing him quite yet. 

Then I want to kiss him... holding him against me. Pressed as close as possible. Telling him he can touch me now, lightly... no mouth just his hands. Then I can stand up, pulling down the nightgown, letting him go at my breasts. First his hands, teaching him how to roll my nipples. While his mouth is on the other one sucking nibbling, biting and pulling. Then I want his fingers inside of me. When I can't stand anymore I am going to push him down on the bed and climb on his face.. God Do I want to do that again so badly. But I need to slowly and softly kiss him from his feet to his face. Undressing him. Touching him everywhere lightly. 

June 5th

 A year... I know its not only doable but I think we have to. 

Zsa. 

She will not understand. Not even after a year. Not even after 5 years. She won't understand... even a decade from now. Based on their friend who's husband committed suicide. 

And now I am trying to figure out how he can be at the celebration of life. I know I am going to need him there. I will feel safer and more confident but is that fair? An entire evening about my husband. I know he wants to be here for me... 

Not just roses. But all the roses. Long stem. 

His note was Love Jay

Love.. I’m so sunk into him. Even if I thought about backing out, I couldn’t. I don’t want to

The tag said Love, Jay

I put it away so fast. 5 days. I was already falling for  him on day one. 

4 days. I just have to get through that. I can’t sleep at all

What am I getting myself into? Seriously Jenn. Jay is an alpha through and through. Not only that but he ALSO knows it. It makes my stomach fill with butterflies. Our chemistry is what romance books are based on but here I have it, in real life. 

It makes me sad... Allan and I had it for barely a year and then it all changed... It is not a comparison and lord, Allan was the furthest from an alpha I have ever been with. I was the alpha 100% but now I here I am deep in the intertwining of an alpha. I do not want to lose myself into him and I need to remember he is not the one in charge. At least not the only one. 

His ego... He was crushed when I left him supposedly to Ed. He would not be able to withstand the thought of me being with anyone else. He is so consumed with the idea of me being able to get anyone I want. He is missing the point that I do not want just anyone. I want this incredibly dominant alpha to rule over my life again but I also need him to bend to my will too. Not sure how to balance this. I was not good at it before but I also did not know myself as well as I do now. I know that I need him to be chasing me. No games but I need him basically desperate for me, as much as I am for him. 

So I called him, wasn't sure I wanted to today (bad mood and all).

Well I woke up in a bad way, today is not going to be a good day. Jerrolyn and I already got into it. She invited me to a blueberry festival on Facebook. I don't know I do not pay attention to those things, I get so many notifications. I cannot keep track of them, then I go to ask her about it and she is snapping at me that its already sold out. 

WTF if she wanted to go why did she not call me or text me about it? Sometimes I want to delete the app and then add to this she is trying to convince me to take a huge pay cut to take a position at the state. Yeah no thanks. I am going to have to pass even though she is arguing to me about it. 

OMG I just realized Allan reached out to me on FB and I reached out to Jay. 

Way too many things are the exact same. I am going to stay here at work a little while longer and then I am leaving early and going to bed and hiding under the covers. I just want to sleep today away now and start over tomorrow. 

*Okay I have an idea... I need to write this out to fulfill this. This would happen when we are together, the hotel room. 

The door closes to the hotel room and we look at each other. 

"Do you want me?" I will ask him and undoubtedly his answer will be yes... "Then tonight, I need you to do whatever I want, ask. I want to be in control, tonight. To erase that last night, can you do that? Give me full control?"

I am sure he will respond immediately physically. I want the first time to be memorable, for us both and truly forget that night. 

I would tell him I am going to change first, and I have bought something to wear. I would tell him to not take off anything except his shoes... Stay in his clothes. 

I would change and get ready. 

Walk out, lights still on. I am sure whatever I decide to wear, he will love it. I want him to sit in a chair or on the bed. "No touching me until I say you can and you can only respond to me kissing you, no grabbing me or pulling or pushing me" I would climb up on his lap. Take his face in my hands, and ask "Do you trust me?" I know the answer and the next question is "Do you love me?" 

I do not know the answer to that but I need it because I think the answer is yes. 

I would then gently kiss him on the lips. Then I would ask him "Do you want me?" I know the answer to this. 

"Do you want to show me you love me, with your mouth, your touch and your body?" I know the answer again, I would get up and turn off the lights... 

Climb on him again, "Then show me".

June 4th

I can’t believe that two times in my life. From my past, I’ve found love. 

Not just love but a love that I know will last. Because with Allan, it was everything. 

J. Is not only everything, but we are even more compatible even with one huge difference. J. is going to also be taking care of me. Unlike with Allan and I where I took care of us, J and I are equals. I think the more we discuss, the more we agree. This relationship will be everything I’ve ever wanted. So even though the texting is driving me mad because off how much I want him, I know we are building a relationship, foundations for us. Telling him what I need. What I want before we’ve even begun. 

I also know if for some reason he can’t perform sexually. He’s going to do whatever it takes for me to be satisfied. It’s going to take a lot. My entire body is on fire. 

His ego. I know he surpresses it. But I always thought that made him even more sexy. His confidence… he’s reminding me of my own. He’s killing my with it. I remember being able to pull any guy I wanted. 

That’s just not me. Not anymore. 

I know happiness is not found in multiple partners, lovers and affairs. It’s found in deep emotional connections. I want a life long love with someone who checks off all my boxes. 

I can tolerate his having children especially since mine have become obsessive. I won’t be marrying him so I won’t be third wife. Those were the only two things that weren’t checked off but I need to get over that. 

Goddess please. Give me a life long love that fills my needs and my wants. 

June 3rd

OMG. Now I can’t sleep for wanting Jay. It’s not just wanting. I need him. 

I always loved having sex with him. Always. In fact he set that bar pretty high. He always made sure I came once or twice. 

So 3 things. Sitting on his face while he’s eating me

Two orgasms from sitting on him then reverse Cowgirl. Within minutes of each other

69 

He’s everything I need. One year. One year of seeing if this is it. We can make commitments to each other eventually. Marriage. Never. But we can do a commitment ceremony and wear rings. 

I’ll be sending the text soon. I like the idea of all of our firsts being intentional. Full of thought and what we’re building. 

Allan had this chance but he is impatient and impulsive. Jay is much more laid back. I love his texts.

I cannot believe how stupid Ed can be. 

I loved talking to him today. J… he reassured me. He misses me. Gahhhh how did I already fall for him? 

June 2nd

 I cannot believe it has been 14 years today since I left Ed.

Thank God I did. I am grateful that reuniting with Allan gave me the final push I needed to get the hell out of there. I know how much he hated the idea of breaking up our marriage but honestly, it needed to happen. 

I slept last night. Like actually slept. Of course I still took my edibles because I am me but I still slept really well. Jay helped significantly 

I like the idea of us just being friends and whatever comes with it for a full year. June 1st of next year if this is still going on, then we can define us. I still do not want to ever get married again, I want to die a Salaver but I would like to have a life long commitment if I find the right person. I give myself a year as Allan's widow... and will continue to be but I do not want to do this life alone. If it happens to be Jay, great and if it is not... then I know I am at least open to the idea of it. 

I want to see him but I get anxiety at the idea of it too. It's like a replay of mine and Allan's relationship and I worry I have this to all fall into place like it did with us. Allan and Jay are not alike. Our relationships are not the same. Allan and I had a short lived relationship with no real mistakes...

Jay and I were riddled with issues and mistakes. His insane jealous streak which really did scare me. I know he was diagnosed with a true mental illness and is medicated now so there is a great chance that he will be good if not better. So I am hopeful that we can be friends in person too and not just over via text. 

That there have been others interested in him, but he was not interested at all in them, that speaks volumes. He is ready to move  but I know he wants a second chance, with me. Be it as friends or whatever. I want to give him that chance to prove himself. I know we could have been better if things had been different. I do wonder if his alpha personality is gone. I hope some of it is still there. Not like it was but there was a fierceness to him, this overpowering pull. We both acknowledged it yesterday. 

My hope is that we both make this meaningful. In every way possible. 

I guess him taking me out to dinner will show me how much and how meaningful I am to him. I hope our first second date will be amazing. 

So I’m not sure how we jumped 10 spaces forward. 

Yes we both want a relationship. Yes we both want sex. No we aren’t getting married. Yes he likes to travel. Yes he still loves giving oral. 

June 1st

 Yesterday was such a bad day for me. Reading our emails and I broke my own heart... 

So I did something that could be stupid, I reached out to my ex Jay Martinez. His wife passed a year and a half ago. So I know he knows what I am going through, or as close as anyone can. 

Texting him now, fills this void you left. I am not sure where or if this is anything... I am pretty sure it could be. Even if its just friends with benefits... I think I just need some help with filling some of the voids. Is that wrong? I know I am actually single now. So before I meet him in person... let me just clarify here in my thoughts what I want. 

Friends with benefits... I loved having sex with him. And I want a physical relationship without any of the trappings of a relationship. Jay is very sweet now, but I know he can be a jerk and maybe time has tempered him but the possibility of having an alpha male in my life who can make some of the decisions FOR ME at least for now, would be a welcome change. I am tired of driving this car... it will be nice to let someone else drive it for awhile so I can just relax and not feel like every decision is on me.I know I get to do whatever I want... I get to hook up or not hook up or whatever. Allan and I have not had sex in actual YEARS. I can barely remember the last time. 

Then there is Jay, who I felt a small spark with 7 years ago. I was the one who got away and he wishes he had taken me more serious... AND he knew I would never lie to him. I still would not. So at least I could be honest about my marriage with Allan, the issues, the lack of sex for the past decade. Now I am not in a sexless nun like marriage. The toys are fun but they won't be enough forever and to be fair Allan assumed I would have cheated on him which I did not then... weird when he said that too. 

I really just want companionship... the texting already makes me feel less alone. I am horrible at being single. I always have been. But I will remain single... even if we possibly do end up hooking up. Second marriage for him too... so I think at least we can both agree that marriage is not required. Not for a third round. 

The truth is I do want Jay, at least in my mind and maybe in person that attraction will be gone but it wasn't when Allan and I ended up back together, if anything it was stronger and that scares me too. I had a much deeper and more meaningful relationship with Jay, I loved him. I did love Jay. Our chemistry was amazing and if I can be honest, I am over that last night with him. I got it out and forgave him for something he did not even remember doing. If I even have a slight opportunity for amazing sex like we had in our 20s, hell I will take it. I remember how much we both enjoyed oral sex... 69 was definitely a thing as well as reverse cowgirl.... the orgasms he gave me... whew... And the double orgasm which only happened with him. Oh god and sitting on his face. Jay loved giving me oral sex. I don’t remember a time that he wouldn’t start off with that. Making sure I came first. 

I guess I am hoping there will be that intensity. The chemistry... it was there for Allan and I ... I so desperately want it there for Jay too. Again, I am not replacing Allan but I just want that connection with someone. So I do not feel so alone. I do not think it is too soon. Allan and I had been just roommates for years, and I loved him. I would never have left him and as sad as I am for the loss of him, I guess in my own way I am ready to move on.