June 1st

 Yesterday was such a bad day for me. Reading our emails and I broke my own heart... 

So I did something that could be stupid, I reached out to my ex Jay Martinez. His wife passed a year and a half ago. So I know he knows what I am going through, or as close as anyone can. 

Texting him now, fills this void you left. I am not sure where or if this is anything... I am pretty sure it could be. Even if its just friends with benefits... I think I just need some help with filling some of the voids. Is that wrong? I know I am actually single now. So before I meet him in person... let me just clarify here in my thoughts what I want. 

Friends with benefits... I loved having sex with him. And I want a physical relationship without any of the trappings of a relationship. Jay is very sweet now, but I know he can be a jerk and maybe time has tempered him but the possibility of having an alpha male in my life who can make some of the decisions FOR ME at least for now, would be a welcome change. I am tired of driving this car... it will be nice to let someone else drive it for awhile so I can just relax and not feel like every decision is on me.I know I get to do whatever I want... I get to hook up or not hook up or whatever. Allan and I have not had sex in actual YEARS. I can barely remember the last time. 

Then there is Jay, who I felt a small spark with 7 years ago. I was the one who got away and he wishes he had taken me more serious... AND he knew I would never lie to him. I still would not. So at least I could be honest about my marriage with Allan, the issues, the lack of sex for the past decade. Now I am not in a sexless nun like marriage. The toys are fun but they won't be enough forever and to be fair Allan assumed I would have cheated on him which I did not then... weird when he said that too. 

I really just want companionship... the texting already makes me feel less alone. I am horrible at being single. I always have been. But I will remain single... even if we possibly do end up hooking up. Second marriage for him too... so I think at least we can both agree that marriage is not required. Not for a third round. 

The truth is I do want Jay, at least in my mind and maybe in person that attraction will be gone but it wasn't when Allan and I ended up back together, if anything it was stronger and that scares me too. I had a much deeper and more meaningful relationship with Jay, I loved him. I did love Jay. Our chemistry was amazing and if I can be honest, I am over that last night with him. I got it out and forgave him for something he did not even remember doing. If I even have a slight opportunity for amazing sex like we had in our 20s, hell I will take it. I remember how much we both enjoyed oral sex... 69 was definitely a thing as well as reverse cowgirl.... the orgasms he gave me... whew... And the double orgasm which only happened with him. Oh god and sitting on his face. Jay loved giving me oral sex. I don’t remember a time that he wouldn’t start off with that. Making sure I came first. 

I guess I am hoping there will be that intensity. The chemistry... it was there for Allan and I ... I so desperately want it there for Jay too. Again, I am not replacing Allan but I just want that connection with someone. So I do not feel so alone. I do not think it is too soon. Allan and I had been just roommates for years, and I loved him. I would never have left him and as sad as I am for the loss of him, I guess in my own way I am ready to move on.