June 2nd

 I cannot believe it has been 14 years today since I left Ed.

Thank God I did. I am grateful that reuniting with Allan gave me the final push I needed to get the hell out of there. I know how much he hated the idea of breaking up our marriage but honestly, it needed to happen. 

I slept last night. Like actually slept. Of course I still took my edibles because I am me but I still slept really well. Jay helped significantly 

I like the idea of us just being friends and whatever comes with it for a full year. June 1st of next year if this is still going on, then we can define us. I still do not want to ever get married again, I want to die a Salaver but I would like to have a life long commitment if I find the right person. I give myself a year as Allan's widow... and will continue to be but I do not want to do this life alone. If it happens to be Jay, great and if it is not... then I know I am at least open to the idea of it. 

I want to see him but I get anxiety at the idea of it too. It's like a replay of mine and Allan's relationship and I worry I have this to all fall into place like it did with us. Allan and Jay are not alike. Our relationships are not the same. Allan and I had a short lived relationship with no real mistakes...

Jay and I were riddled with issues and mistakes. His insane jealous streak which really did scare me. I know he was diagnosed with a true mental illness and is medicated now so there is a great chance that he will be good if not better. So I am hopeful that we can be friends in person too and not just over via text. 

That there have been others interested in him, but he was not interested at all in them, that speaks volumes. He is ready to move  but I know he wants a second chance, with me. Be it as friends or whatever. I want to give him that chance to prove himself. I know we could have been better if things had been different. I do wonder if his alpha personality is gone. I hope some of it is still there. Not like it was but there was a fierceness to him, this overpowering pull. We both acknowledged it yesterday. 

My hope is that we both make this meaningful. In every way possible. 

I guess him taking me out to dinner will show me how much and how meaningful I am to him. I hope our first second date will be amazing. 

So I’m not sure how we jumped 10 spaces forward. 

Yes we both want a relationship. Yes we both want sex. No we aren’t getting married. Yes he likes to travel. Yes he still loves giving oral.