June 5th

 A year... I know its not only doable but I think we have to. 

Zsa. 

She will not understand. Not even after a year. Not even after 5 years. She won't understand... even a decade from now. Based on their friend who's husband committed suicide. 

And now I am trying to figure out how he can be at the celebration of life. I know I am going to need him there. I will feel safer and more confident but is that fair? An entire evening about my husband. I know he wants to be here for me... 

Not just roses. But all the roses. Long stem. 

His note was Love Jay

Love.. I’m so sunk into him. Even if I thought about backing out, I couldn’t. I don’t want to

The tag said Love, Jay

I put it away so fast. 5 days. I was already falling for  him on day one. 

4 days. I just have to get through that. I can’t sleep at all

What am I getting myself into? Seriously Jenn. Jay is an alpha through and through. Not only that but he ALSO knows it. It makes my stomach fill with butterflies. Our chemistry is what romance books are based on but here I have it, in real life. 

It makes me sad... Allan and I had it for barely a year and then it all changed... It is not a comparison and lord, Allan was the furthest from an alpha I have ever been with. I was the alpha 100% but now I here I am deep in the intertwining of an alpha. I do not want to lose myself into him and I need to remember he is not the one in charge. At least not the only one. 

His ego... He was crushed when I left him supposedly to Ed. He would not be able to withstand the thought of me being with anyone else. He is so consumed with the idea of me being able to get anyone I want. He is missing the point that I do not want just anyone. I want this incredibly dominant alpha to rule over my life again but I also need him to bend to my will too. Not sure how to balance this. I was not good at it before but I also did not know myself as well as I do now. I know that I need him to be chasing me. No games but I need him basically desperate for me, as much as I am for him. 

So I called him, wasn't sure I wanted to today (bad mood and all).

Well I woke up in a bad way, today is not going to be a good day. Jerrolyn and I already got into it. She invited me to a blueberry festival on Facebook. I don't know I do not pay attention to those things, I get so many notifications. I cannot keep track of them, then I go to ask her about it and she is snapping at me that its already sold out. 

WTF if she wanted to go why did she not call me or text me about it? Sometimes I want to delete the app and then add to this she is trying to convince me to take a huge pay cut to take a position at the state. Yeah no thanks. I am going to have to pass even though she is arguing to me about it. 

OMG I just realized Allan reached out to me on FB and I reached out to Jay. 

Way too many things are the exact same. I am going to stay here at work a little while longer and then I am leaving early and going to bed and hiding under the covers. I just want to sleep today away now and start over tomorrow. 

*Okay I have an idea... I need to write this out to fulfill this. This would happen when we are together, the hotel room. 

The door closes to the hotel room and we look at each other. 

"Do you want me?" I will ask him and undoubtedly his answer will be yes... "Then tonight, I need you to do whatever I want, ask. I want to be in control, tonight. To erase that last night, can you do that? Give me full control?"

I am sure he will respond immediately physically. I want the first time to be memorable, for us both and truly forget that night. 

I would tell him I am going to change first, and I have bought something to wear. I would tell him to not take off anything except his shoes... Stay in his clothes. 

I would change and get ready. 

Walk out, lights still on. I am sure whatever I decide to wear, he will love it. I want him to sit in a chair or on the bed. "No touching me until I say you can and you can only respond to me kissing you, no grabbing me or pulling or pushing me" I would climb up on his lap. Take his face in my hands, and ask "Do you trust me?" I know the answer and the next question is "Do you love me?" 

I do not know the answer to that but I need it because I think the answer is yes. 

I would then gently kiss him on the lips. Then I would ask him "Do you want me?" I know the answer to this. 

"Do you want to show me you love me, with your mouth, your touch and your body?" I know the answer again, I would get up and turn off the lights... 

Climb on him again, "Then show me".