Dec 26th

Today is the late lunch early dinner with his kids. I’m so grateful Jessica is going to be there as well. I’m so nervous about this entire day. I want them to at the very least tolerate me. I’d be even happier if maybe they even liked me. Jay has basically told everyone I’m autistic, I hate that it sounds like an excuse. I know there are times I absolutely hate it but I like parts about it too. 

Yesterday morning when Jay and I were talking… I nearly left. The culmination of the past few days plus all the things I was told from Alexis just compounded my feelings that I was never going to be enough for him. Not now. Not ever. I still have doubts I will be. He’s sees the world so differently than I do but to be fair I did fuck up that day in union square. I’ll take that one for sure. 

What I wasn’t expecting was everything that happened after that. Obviously I decided to stay. The thought of leaving him makes me feel so sick (aside from this constant nausea and gagging) and I let Alexis know I was staying when she went downstairs to do the gifts. 

Alexis jess and I were all downstairs and then Jay comes down. Alexis bolts back upstairs. He talks to me and Jess for a few minutes than decides to confront Alexis. Jess and I could barely hear anything but none of it was good. 

Jay comes back down looking shocked, he’s smiling which was weird to begin with. He tells us the bare minimum to keep Jessica uninvolved and then goes back upstairs. I wanted to follow him but I stayed with Jess playing uno. 

When Jess scalped the 2 gift cards off of me, she was done playing 🙄😂 so I finally went upstairs and he still looked shocked. 

All of it boils down to one thing. He promised that he and Alexis would never make up. Ever. That’s all I care about.