August 23rd

I knew someday that my insecurities would finally shine through. And yesterday was that day. As important as it was for Lisa and Patrick to meet, Jay didn’t go anywhere close to what I had hoped it would’ve gone. But I guess I know he, Jay, loves me, and that no matter what I need to have more faith in him and an S. it’s so much easier to say that to type that to read that to hear that, but to believe that, I’m having such a hard time sometimes. I know a lot of that comes from Ed. Ed would tell me over and over and over and over again how horrible of a person that only I was but every past relationship that I’ve ever had. I also believe that I wasn’t worth loving. And even though I thought I had gotten past all of that with my relationship with allan, that I finally healed from that, I obviously have not. I guess the biggest problem is that I feel like allan abandoned me, and that’s not fair to him because he died, it’s not like he left. So all those insecurities of my mom leaving Cosmos and I failing at allan and how I couldn’t help him or save him or even fix him, or shining through again. And there’s no easy fix for this, I know this, I’ve tried. I know I have to try harder and I’m not sure how my supposed to try harder. Or what mine said I have to have to believe the things that Jaye tells me the things that I know the things that I feel and the things that I see from him. I know he loves it. I know he wants me. I know he needs me. And the reason why I know those things is because I love need and want him just as much if not more. I am the one coming into this relationship more broken than he is. He’s done all the work he’s fixed himself. He’s on a good track. And I’m coming in broken, insecure, and so insured every aspect of my life and I’m dragging that down with him. That’s not fair it’s not fair to mean it’s not fair to us. It’s sometimes I feel like I’ve already failed him before we even really started. and the truth is I can’t lose him. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t imagine losing just as much as he can’t imagine life without me. And I know when he talks to me it’s just a discussion that part of my brain goes into that flight mode and I feel like, I need to flee and I need to go somewhere and I need to be alone and I need to be away from him because I don’t want him to hurt me and I’m so scared because I haven’t loved anyone like Jay since Jay. As much as I love Jay before I never open myself at this party anymore because I’ve always been scared because I’ve always been worried about being left and being alone and not being loved enough. so instead of sitting in my car crying because I can’t cry in front of Jay because I know it upsets him but the truth is I’m so terrified of all these feelings and his connection that I have with him that I’ve never had with anyone else, and I can’t imagine my life without him. so what do I do? I imagine what my life would be like without him as soon as there’s any conflict and it’s horrible and I don’t know how to fix that part I don’t know how to make myself feel secure and safe and loved and not feel like he’s going to leave me in a moments notice for dumbest things in reality nobody would leave me for not even Jay. so instead I have these major freak outs in my own brain. All of it is internal nothing is external and I can’t even tell him what I’m thinking or feeling at the time is all I know is I just I’m waiting for that shoe to drop I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out and waiting for all of this to just suddenly turn from this perfect dream to a nightmare. Unless I dreamt about Jay and I’ve jumped about him before but this time it was so different and my dad was there and my dad knew Jay and my brothers were there and this is when you know we were 21 and this is it now and seeing him and being with him then with my dad‘s knowledge, somehow he did make me feel a little bit better. This feeling make me feel a little bit more secure in us. And I don’t know why I don’t know why my dad is so important to our relationship. and my heart breaks every time and I just don’t know how to fix it. I know it takes time I know it takes more therapy I know it takes for trust sessions. I know it takes more just everything I need everything and I feel like I’m demanding

August 16th

I’m not sure when I became so physically dependent on Jason but the only time I sleep well is when I’m sleeping next to him. Not only sleeping next to him but touching him in some way. Even if it’s just back to back. Knowing he’s next to me. Feeling him. I feel safe and protected. So I dread nights now when I’m without him. Like tonight. But then I’ll be with him until next Wednesday. So almost a full week starting Thursday. 

So it’s tonight… I’m at my house, I can’t even say I’m home anymore. I miss him… seriously. Sleeping next to him… I’ve never felt more safe. Now I just feel alone, unprotected. But next to him? I sleep so easily. I’m not sure I can do this until next April… or May. I want to be with him now. It’s only been 2 months… Yes I’m being impatient and I’m over there all the time anyways. Fuck its hot. 

August 15th

I just can’t sleep without him. It’s impossible. 330 I’m wide awake. I should just start

August 14th

We finally rehashed that night from his point of view. The only person I’ve ever been in love with and of course Ed ruined it. I’m not going to rehash it again. I’m letting it go because I can’t undo what’s been done. 

I know this time Jay isn’t going to listen to anyone else but me. Sometimes I do want to just let Jay do whatever he wants to Ed. But if I lost Jay in any way, I’d be devastated and the truth is this time, I won’t survive. I won’t want to. No one would be worth living for if not for him. That does actually scare me because I could barely tolerate Allan and I sure as hell fell out of love with him at least 7 or 8 years ago and I nearly died when I lost him. 

I’ve never fallen out of being in love with Jay. Sure. People say you are in love with the person they were when you were with them. Okay fine. I love the person he is now a thousand times more than I did when I was 21. I loved Jay when we fought. I loved Jay when we argued. I loved Jay when we could barely look at each other without wanting to tear each other apart. I loved him for his gentle side when we were alone. I loved him for his protective and jealous nature. I loved him for wanting to give me everything I could want or need. I loved him for his advice. I loved him not knowing half of our problems were because he had so many other problems in his life. I loved him despite all of that because deep down when it was quiet and we were alone, that was when I loved him the most. That is the love that has been there for him. All this time. 

Now? I still love him for those quiet private moments. That hasn’t changed and in fact it’s even better now. I love him for the sweetest things and tiniest things he does for me. The forehead kisses, bringing me my favorite Starbucks drinks in the morning. Waking me up in the best way possible. For making sure my needs are always met and always making sure I’m happy. For listening and sometimes even advising me when I know he is trying to not overstep but wanting him to overstep anyways. For letting me know he loves me, needs me, wants me, appreciates me and misses me. For surprising me with visits in sac. For bringing and buying me roses. For making sure we eat my favorite foods. For introducing me to his family and friends. For opening doors. For helping me get up when I’m sitting down. For leading me down the stairs.  For playing video games with me and not being a sore loser when I beat him down in air hockey but turning around and bragging about it instead. For learning what I like. What I love. For taking care of Jessica. For even caring about Jessica. For liking my herd of animals. 

Jay is the reason I’m alive. He’s the person who brings the calm to my internal storms. Jay is the last person on my mind as I fall asleep and the first thought is of him when I wake up. I know Jay will be there for me when no one else is. He will never give up on me because I could never give up on him. On even my darkest day he pulls me from the dark and holds me until I can see the light again. When I want to pull back he grabs onto me with both hands and won’t let go. If I start to fall apart… He patiently waits as all of my emotions are completely spent… he loves me back to being whole again. I trust him in every way that’s possible, my heart, my soul, my life, my children. 

I wake up with hope now and look forward to the moment I’m back in his arms or if I’m already there with him for his good morning kisses because I know how much he loves me. I never have to wonder. I never have to doubt. Jay is the reason I feel safe again. He’s the reason I feel protected. I know I can tell him anything. I’m not worried about his judgement or condemnation. He’s my future. Jay is the one person I can and would do anything for, the one person besides my kids… I’d die for to protect him and I know he would do anything for me. He’s the one. 

I know we both wish our past was different. He regrets not meeting my dad. Somehow I managed to not starting crying but I did fall for him a little more when he said it. 

August 11

Don’t bother getting dressed. 

Every once in a while… He really surprises me. I was in the shower when he peaked in and said that. Turned my insides into melted chocolate. I love the way my body responds to him. Of course… he made it worth while. 

2 months. It’s all finally sinking in. I’m comfortable and secure in the knowledge he’s mine. I’m his. I know there is absolutely very little he won’t do for me or to me. I get that he’s going to be here for me in every way possible… while making sure he keeps me happy

August 10

2am. I can’t sleep. Again. I have Sage curled up against my back. Ginger and crackhead on my legs. Yet sleeping??? I’m wide awake. I only sleep well with Jay. That’s my reality. I’m happiest and content only when I’m with him. I love and need him. When I’m with him I’m relaxed and safe. Without him I’m tense and feel exposed. 

August 9th

It’s Wednesday morning. I’m laying next to Jay. In his bed. Curled up next to him. His hand resting on my ass. 

How did I get here??? Well he decided to surprise me at my house… Red roses in hand. Took me to drop off that phone… lunch at el novillero and went to visit his aunt Jessica. 

Back to my house. Watched tv. I fell asleep. Finally. Woke up to an asthma attack 🙈. 

I had been smelling the smoke a few days but it finally got to me. Or has been for a few days. 

He brought me home. Bought me dinner and fucked me so good my body is still responding, the next morning. 

I’ve never felt more wanted, desired and loved than this moment. When he said he’d been thinking about me all day, it made my entire body so turned on. Every part of me screaming for his touch. Those light tugs on my hair turning my insides into melted pools of desire. I’ve never been more turned on by someone in my life. 

When he’s inside of me… it’s truly the most intense. My body so focused on more. More of him. More of us. 

Giving myself to him completely and the fact is. I’m his. Completely. There isn’t one part of me being withheld from him. There’s no worry. There’s no concern. There are no fears. There are no doubts.  I’m jumping right into this fire. 

As much as I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out, that feeling is going away. I’m so sure about him. I’m so sure about us. I’m so sure that I’m with the person I was always supposed to be with that all of that time I was holding back… I’m just not anymore. 

Zumba! Pakko 🥰 I’ve missed him so much. He was my best friend for so long… and then… I just got so discouraged and depressed. 

Seeing him really made my day. Of course spending the day with Jay was even better but I know I need other outlets too. Pakko has always made me laugh and cheered me up. He also kicked my ass in class today!!! He played one song I knew and everything else was new. Thank the gods no samba but lots of salsa and bachata. I’m so grateful to see some regulars from before too. Today was perfect. Waking up next to Jay. Zumba with friends. I miss Jay right now sooooo much. I can’t believe I’m sleeping without him but I’m going back to him tomorrow. 

August 7th

 I quit

Not only did I quit but I relieved myself of so much stress and turmoil.

I have come to so many decisions in the past few days... decisions that make me not only feel better about myself but are propelling me to a less stressful life/outlook. 

"I would chose the villain over the hero any day. The hero will sacrifice his love for you for the greater good, the villain will burn the world down to protect what is his."

I have never read a more accurate description of why I chose Jay over everyone else and I always have, because I know he would chose me over everyone and everything else. There is something in being loved by someone who does not care about what anyone else thinks or cares about. I have ALWAYS known Jay would do anything to protect me, when I have never felt like that with anyone else. Errol intentionally went out of his way to hurt me, physically and mentally. Ed would do whatever his mom wanted and nothing beyond this. The ultimate mama's boy and Allan? People pleaser. If they did not like me, I was always at risk of losing him. 

I chose Jay above everything and everyone else, besides Jessica, but thank the gods she loves him too. 

This weekend was... amazing and sad. I know Jay was not always feeling 100% but he powered through it... I keep an eye on him though and do not push. 

Marley... that sweet little girl passed away this weekend. I am going to miss her sneaking up on the bed to find a spot next to me and resting her head on me to let me know she was there to comfort me. I also miss her being my excuse as to why I take up 75% of the bed. I barely knew her and it broke my heart to walk in his room and it felt... empty. 

I did my best to distract Jay. We went to that place in Suisun and wow, everything was so good there. I think it is one of my favorite places to eat now. I also love that it is a place I know that he has not been with anyone else. It is ours. After that we went to Scandia where I completely annihilated him in Galaga, he never had a chance :) and I was taking it easy on him too! Then we played Fast and Furious and it was pretty even and of course my competitive side came through... it was so much fun. I could not stop smiling. He was not a sore loser and neither was I. I liked that we could laugh through our losses and we found something we both LIKE doing that is inside and a game. 

He pointed out how much I like playing games... a big kid. He is not wrong, I love playing games. I like being competitive... knowing we can play and even if one of us loses we are good sport about it. I did not realized how important that is to me... almost as important as how someone treats wait staff, waitresses and waiters... He treats them with so much kindness, and he knows all of their names... I am not quite that friendly but I love that he is. He always has been, he's better at networking and socializing. Not that I am horrible at it but he is much more skilled at it than I am. Again, finding balance in our strengths and weaknesses. 

Saturday we did not do much of anything, just hung out at his place and I was content with that. 

Sunday... I can't even go into much of the phone call I got, except to say, I hope everything Charlie dreamt comes true and if it did nothing else, what that call did do was solidified that I am exactly where I am supposed to and with the person I am supposed to be with. Jay was sweet enough to buy the wallet and 2 pairs of jeans I needed... I was barely able to function and did not realize it or even fight him on it, which I am sure he was relieved about. I still do not feel like I thanked him properly but I appreciate how sweet it was that he did buy those things for me.  

August 3rd

 "If they can't be there for your worst days... they don't deserve to be there on your best days."

I never really thought about how I keep people in my life who do not contribute anything to it other than drama and turmoil. I guess because Allan was such a social person he wanted ALL of the friends he could get and so they became my people too. I never cared about having a large group of friends and to be honest, I am looking forward to purging all of them with a few exceptions. His cousin Shelley is the ONLY one who noticed I turned off my socials and she texted me in her normal fashion at 2am to make sure I was okay. I know she and Allan did not get along well, but I am keeping her. Not even my own family noticed that I turned off everything... 

I am looking forward to deleting people from my phone and social media and going back to blocking Jaye and Chris Marzan. The truth is... I would rather start over with new friends and connections who did not know Allan because I hate when people look at me and they just see me as an extension on him. Not me as my own person. His personality was so large that he overshadowed me. No one knew who I was and they did not even bother getting to know me. 

Jay was there for one of my worst days... it was a 9 and not quite a 10, but he was there for me when no one has ever been.

Although to be fair, the first time I tried when I was 18, I did wake up to Errol standing there next to my bed in the hospital. Second time was Ed and nope, wasn't there, but that paramedic hitting on me was the icing on that cake. Third time was 2 years ago and no Allan. He wasn't worried even when I came home and all those days after Allan died... I didn't know how to ask anyone to be there. 

"'You'll suffer for as long as you allow yourself to suffer.'"

I am not sure why this is finally sinking in. The more that I recall 4/3 months in the past when Allan was sick and dying... I am only torturing myself... blaming myself... I really have to let go of that guilt and realize no matter what I do right now, today will not change the outcome. He will still be dead, I will still have an entire group of people who are mad and angry for no other reason than I am not living up to their impossible standards. 

So instead I have to choose to be happy. I have to. I can't keep letting myself slip into that darkness. It will be on the edge of my consciousness but I can push it out. I have to remember that I could not save him all on my own, he should have gone to the doctor a week before when we asked him to, he was an adult and he made the decision to not go, he only went to the ER because I forced him and called 911. If I had gone to work that day, I could have come home to him dead. That is the truth and the reality I need to remember.  I did what I could for him and I was there almost every day he was in the hospital even though mentally it was killing me as well as physically. 17 days... I was there, not eating not sleeping. Barely surviving. It did not change anything, he still died even though I was there. Zsa was only there at the end because then suddenly she got it through her head he was dying. 

I did not chose the life I have now... this was not what my life was supposed to look like. I never imagined this. 4 months ago if someone told me I would be with Jay Martinez and happier than you have ever been in 30 years, I would have laughed in their face and called them crazy. 

I did not see him coming into my life the way he has. He is right about a lot of what he had to say... I have to think about what it means to be in his family and being a Martinez because I want that more than I can express. My decisions now are going to be based on how they will help our relationship and our future because as much as change is hard, I am going to be what he wants and deserves. Having our first real bump in our second round of this relationship has been eye opening... and anxiety inducing. 

My therapist made sense when she said of course I lashed out the person closest to me. That is what we all do as humans when we are in pain but I have never done that before to anyone besides my kids, because I never loved Ed or Allan the way that I love Jay. As much as I had to learn to moderate myself with my kids, I need to do this with Jay too. Jessica even mentioned yesterday that she has always known me to be mean... EYE ROLL... because I am parenting, I had to be the authoritative parent, Ed never understood follow through. As much as I was sweet and innocent when I was 21, I have been through hell and back at age 51. I have a sharp tongue and wit, I know I can cut people down and I cannot undo what has been done or said. 

Everyone has bad days and my having one bad day in 2 months considering what I have been through, well she said that's pretty amazing. I should be proud that I have been able to moderate my emotions for so long and with all the triggers I had, its not shock I finally snapped but I need to regulate my interactions when I do snap and instead of taking it out on Jay or the kids, I need to tell them I am having a bad day. I have to keep track of my emotions and I am... daily every few hours. I also need to remember that when it gets like this, massages help me through them. Pain for some reason gives me all the endorphins I am missing from the SSRI medications. Getting waxed, massage and those cysts deciding to explode yesterday... I needed all of that pain in one day. Sometimes I wish I could cut myself which I know would give me those endorphins I need but I can't imagine marking my skin intentionally and possibly getting infections. Nope, not for me. 

Thankfully the damn hives are finally GONE! 

Today really is a 1.5 I cannot say its a 1... I am sure there will be better days than this but overall its a pretty good day. Background check is finally done, I have an interview, my neck and back are still in pain from the massage (which is a good thing). 

"Even in your grief, you are allowed to be happy"

I have to forgive myself for being happy. I have to forgive myself for moving forward in my life. 

I am moving beyond the past few months... and letting my past be that, my past and not drag it into my future and as much as people want me to be sad and miserable. I do not want that. I want to be happy, and I have been. Yes I will have sad moments, but they have to be just that, moments. I need to remember my coping skills and move beyond the sadness because unlike a lot of people, that sadness becomes darkness and that darkness can lead to my death. Not just suicide but also my health and heart. I want to live I want to see where Jay and I are headed. I want to eventually fix what is broken between Jerrolyn and I. I need to be here for Jessica. She above all of them needs me the most.  

I am excited to see what our lives will look like, hell Jessica is excited to see where we will be in a year. She is so happy about Jay, I do not even think he understands how much she needs him. To be honest, she needs him more than I do. Somehow I have to figure out how all three of us can spend more time together. We talked about our lives last night, after I took her to starbucks and she was so worried that we were in a bad place and she wanted to be sure we were back on track. When I asked her about watching Marley, her eyes lit up, she did not care about the money, just that Jay and I were still doing good. Not that the greedy brat won't take it, she is invested in this relationship. 

Its been 2 months... 1 bad day. 1. Compared to what was 51 days of darkness and despair, how I survived, I am not sure. If I had known what was on the other side of those 51 days... 

That night

I don’t remember when I first fell in love with Jay. It’s possible that it was that first day when he noticed me. I already knew he was… Jay Martinez. I had been attracted to him the moment I saw him. Aomis. My 21st birthday was the first time I saw him. I don’t think he realizes why my birthday has meaning now. It’s because of Jay. 

I never pursued anyone. I wasn’t going to start with Jay and it turns out I didn’t need to. He pursued me. 

To be honest… my attraction to him was so strong. I could never say no to him, except one time. The first time he asked for my number but I relented. 

I remember picking my clothes up off his floor. Being so scared that he could wake up… 

I called Paul from the phone in the kitchen/living room…

I walked out that front door… locking it behind me. Knowing that I’d never walk through it again on some level. Walking down those steps… silently crying until Paul showed up and took me home. 

My heart was broken… I used to pray back then. I actually prayed that he’d call. Then a part of me prayed I was pregnant. None of that came true. I never prayed again after that. 

I was a mess. I could barely get through the day. School, work, Jerrolyn. Rinse repeat. 

Mike called me when he was in town, hearing we’d broken up… begged me for another chance. We ended up at Grove Shack and there he was. Jay looked right past me like I wasn’t even there… Mike knew if Jay said hi, I’d go right back to Jay. 

He didn’t. He walked right past us. My heart broke again. 

Babysitting Mike… and his friends… all of them sick and throwing up? Yeah so much for his second chance… called poor Paul again to rescue me. 

I stopped going out in Sac. Opting for Bay Area clubs and raves. Trying ecstasy for the first time… so desperate to escape my life, without Jay in it. Days became weeks… weeks become months… 

My mantra became… I’m never falling in love again. 

Looking back now… it’s true. I never did to the degree that I fell for Jay. 30 years later I’ve fallen even more in love with him. 

For 30 years I chased after this euphoria I feel only with Jay. 

August 2nd

I could breathe today. No heaviness in my chest. My heart still hurts but that’s from the meds. 

I’m dreading going to work  I think it’s affecting my sleep at this point. Even my lack of appetite… which is not any better today but I’m back to drinking protein shakes at least which is ridiculous after Jessica and I spent over $200 on groceries *eye roll*

It’s weird writing this knowing I’ll be reading this to Jay later. Not in the way that I’ll be moderating what I write just… I dunno that he will listen to me read this. I never know what the hell my brain is thinking.

I’m pretty proud that I was able to get so much done yesterday and I’m excited to get more stuff done today around the house. Finally getting the last of the life insurance to start working on the house. I think when I finish the house… I’ll fulfill the ideas Allan and I had… okay I had and he agreed with. I am proud to own this house, it may not be much but it’s mine. 

I haven’t heard from Charlie. I’m sure on Thursday I’ll get more details from Chelle. I know I need to be focusing on me because that’s going to hit me the hardest. I’ve said everything I needed to say though and I’m at peace with the idea of losing him… I didn’t get that with Allan. It just sucks knowing that I can't just email him or text him anymore, I mean I can, I just won't get a response anymore. 

The insomnia is back too… It feels like I’m right back where I was 2 months ago before I messaged Jay. No appetite, insomnia, my heart aching. All the progress I made, gone. Is this going to happen every time I’m hit with another wave of grief? On the plus side I have lost 40 pounds now.

If that’s the case… why even work so hard to get back to where I was if I know it’s going to just push me back to where I started? I don’t want to be wide awake… I don’t want to upset everyone when I’m not hungry. I don’t want my heart to hurt like this. 

Now that I’ve been up for 3.5 hours… I think I know what’s hitting me the hardest. I had to clean my house while talking to myself constantly but I had mentioned it Jay before. I’m starting completely over again. 

I’m losing friends and family. I did it before when I left Ed, yes. To be honest if I’d left Allan this would be a lot easier for me because then I would have KNOWN I was going to lose them. I know that even if Jay and I had started a year from now or even 5 years from now… they weren’t my friends and family. They were Allan’s. I’ll get to keep a few. But the rest? I’m letting them go as much as they already let me go. 

I can’t hold on to people who aren’t there for me and weren’t there for me. I have to deal with my own family barely being around. Turning off my Facebook and Instagram… while really reevaluating my life and the relationships worth maintaining. I don’t need a lot of friends… I’ve had Jessica step in for years now… I’m going to stick to that. Just like I’ve always done. I have Chelle, Maria, Lisa and Patrick. Sinead in Idaho. Robin at work and of course and most importantly, Jay. When I need things to do… I can go back to Zumba and restarting my business. 

I’m going to let go of my past. I’m getting rid of the last of Allan’s items… keeping a few items for the memorial to give to his friends. Letting Zsa and Randy keep his ashes. I’m sure they don’t want me to have them anyways. 

I hate this job more than I can even say... Randy, my boss walked past me, without a single word to me. Not one single person ever walks by without some kind of a greeting, but him? Not a word. I HATE IT HERE. Hell even the old man Paul is teasing me about taking time off. I wish I could work here without Randy being here. I really do like almost everyone else. Feeling invisible... seriously I think its one of the things I fear most. Not being seen. I never realized that before. Guess that is something new I never thought about. Of course Randy can see me when I am crying at my desk, which of course I started that again because of him. I really hope all of these emotions eventually settle down and are not always ready to bubble up

He loves me. That’s all that matters

Promise

 It is easy to tell you the promises I want to make...

I know that showing you that I am willing to keep those promises is what you need. 

Yesterday you asked if I made the reservations for Sausalito, my intuition is screaming that you want to cancel that weekend which means you are probably going to cancel the weekend of your friends getting their chips. As sad as that makes me, I understand on some level why, but tell me now and not later. I overthink things and as much as I tell myself I am overthinking this, a part of me is also saying, well that's what happens when you say things and hurt someone. 

I promise to hold myself accountable for how I treat you, I can't promise I will always be perfect or I won't sometimes say the nicest things, I am human and I know I will make mistakes. However, I will recognize when I make those mistakes, not make excuses for my mistakes but learn from them and grow from them. 

I promise to be the person you want. I am going to do whatever it takes because you matter to me, in every way possible. I can't imagine my life without you and I do not want to regardless of what my therapist says. 

I promise to take care of myself first and not push aside my own health issues in deference to yours. 

August 1st

I destroy what I build. 

I do this because I don’t believe I deserve what I build, mostly because I’ve convinced myself I’m a horrible person. 

The only ones who stay are the idiots who have no options but me. 

Now, what was once my sanctuary, my bubble, safe from the real world, has now become just another part of my life. No longer safe, no longer a bubble to escape to. Why? Well because I did what I always do. I destroy. 

It makes me sad… laying here at 2 am. Unable to sleep because the sanctuary is gone. All those thoughts and emotions are all here with me. I’m not even sure I can rebuild the trust I broke. I’m not even sure I deserve the chance to mend what I broke. If Jay was smart, he’d just let me go. I can’t even remember what I said or what in the hell I was thinking. 

I know I’ve had that blind rage hit me before… I didn’t even know I had it in me… it scares me. It terrifies me actually. That momentary loss of control. It makes e want to hide under the covers… wait for it to roll over me. Why did I answer the phone? For a split second I remember telling myself to not answer. 

No. I answered and destroyed. 

I know I can’t undo what’s been done. He’ll never see me the same way. I don’t blame him. The last night I was with him and he was blind with his own anger. I walked away. To be honest what he said was a lot worse, what he did physically still scares me. The flashbacks are decreasing. 

The scary part. My heart hurts again. I’m not sure what this episode did but it definitely hurts. Even right now at this moment… I can feel that same sharp pain. I did that. To myself. Pretty sure I just broke my own heart again. I wish I could sleep. Turn off this brain.