I don’t remember when I first fell in love with Jay. It’s possible that it was that first day when he noticed me. I already knew he was… Jay Martinez. I had been attracted to him the moment I saw him. Aomis. My 21st birthday was the first time I saw him. I don’t think he realizes why my birthday has meaning now. It’s because of Jay.
I never pursued anyone. I wasn’t going to start with Jay and it turns out I didn’t need to. He pursued me.
To be honest… my attraction to him was so strong. I could never say no to him, except one time. The first time he asked for my number but I relented.
I called Paul from the phone in the kitchen/living room…
I walked out that front door… locking it behind me. Knowing that I’d never walk through it again on some level. Walking down those steps… silently crying until Paul showed up and took me home.
My heart was broken… I used to pray back then. I actually prayed that he’d call. Then a part of me prayed I was pregnant. None of that came true. I never prayed again after that.
I was a mess. I could barely get through the day. School, work, Jerrolyn. Rinse repeat.
Mike called me when he was in town, hearing we’d broken up… begged me for another chance. We ended up at Grove Shack and there he was. Jay looked right past me like I wasn’t even there… Mike knew if Jay said hi, I’d go right back to Jay.
He didn’t. He walked right past us. My heart broke again.
Babysitting Mike… and his friends… all of them sick and throwing up? Yeah so much for his second chance… called poor Paul again to rescue me.
I stopped going out in Sac. Opting for Bay Area clubs and raves. Trying ecstasy for the first time… so desperate to escape my life, without Jay in it. Days became weeks… weeks become months…
My mantra became… I’m never falling in love again.
Looking back now… it’s true. I never did to the degree that I fell for Jay. 30 years later I’ve fallen even more in love with him.
For 30 years I chased after this euphoria I feel only with Jay.
No comments:
Post a Comment