I’m dreading going to work I think it’s affecting my sleep at this point. Even my lack of appetite… which is not any better today but I’m back to drinking protein shakes at least which is ridiculous after Jessica and I spent over $200 on groceries *eye roll*
It’s weird writing this knowing I’ll be reading this to Jay later. Not in the way that I’ll be moderating what I write just… I dunno that he will listen to me read this. I never know what the hell my brain is thinking.
I’m pretty proud that I was able to get so much done yesterday and I’m excited to get more stuff done today around the house. Finally getting the last of the life insurance to start working on the house. I think when I finish the house… I’ll fulfill the ideas Allan and I had… okay I had and he agreed with. I am proud to own this house, it may not be much but it’s mine.
I haven’t heard from Charlie. I’m sure on Thursday I’ll get more details from Chelle. I know I need to be focusing on me because that’s going to hit me the hardest. I’ve said everything I needed to say though and I’m at peace with the idea of losing him… I didn’t get that with Allan. It just sucks knowing that I can't just email him or text him anymore, I mean I can, I just won't get a response anymore.
The insomnia is back too… It feels like I’m right back where I was 2 months ago before I messaged Jay. No appetite, insomnia, my heart aching. All the progress I made, gone. Is this going to happen every time I’m hit with another wave of grief? On the plus side I have lost 40 pounds now.
If that’s the case… why even work so hard to get back to where I was if I know it’s going to just push me back to where I started? I don’t want to be wide awake… I don’t want to upset everyone when I’m not hungry. I don’t want my heart to hurt like this.
Now that I’ve been up for 3.5 hours… I think I know what’s hitting me the hardest. I had to clean my house while talking to myself constantly but I had mentioned it Jay before. I’m starting completely over again.
I’m losing friends and family. I did it before when I left Ed, yes. To be honest if I’d left Allan this would be a lot easier for me because then I would have KNOWN I was going to lose them. I know that even if Jay and I had started a year from now or even 5 years from now… they weren’t my friends and family. They were Allan’s. I’ll get to keep a few. But the rest? I’m letting them go as much as they already let me go.
I can’t hold on to people who aren’t there for me and weren’t there for me. I have to deal with my own family barely being around. Turning off my Facebook and Instagram… while really reevaluating my life and the relationships worth maintaining. I don’t need a lot of friends… I’ve had Jessica step in for years now… I’m going to stick to that. Just like I’ve always done. I have Chelle, Maria, Lisa and Patrick. Sinead in Idaho. Robin at work and of course and most importantly, Jay. When I need things to do… I can go back to Zumba and restarting my business.
I’m going to let go of my past. I’m getting rid of the last of Allan’s items… keeping a few items for the memorial to give to his friends. Letting Zsa and Randy keep his ashes. I’m sure they don’t want me to have them anyways.
I hate this job more than I can even say... Randy, my boss walked past me, without a single word to me. Not one single person ever walks by without some kind of a greeting, but him? Not a word. I HATE IT HERE. Hell even the old man Paul is teasing me about taking time off. I wish I could work here without Randy being here. I really do like almost everyone else. Feeling invisible... seriously I think its one of the things I fear most. Not being seen. I never realized that before. Guess that is something new I never thought about. Of course Randy can see me when I am crying at my desk, which of course I started that again because of him. I really hope all of these emotions eventually settle down and are not always ready to bubble up
He loves me. That’s all that matters
No comments:
Post a Comment