I do this because I don’t believe I deserve what I build, mostly because I’ve convinced myself I’m a horrible person.
The only ones who stay are the idiots who have no options but me.
Now, what was once my sanctuary, my bubble, safe from the real world, has now become just another part of my life. No longer safe, no longer a bubble to escape to. Why? Well because I did what I always do. I destroy.
It makes me sad… laying here at 2 am. Unable to sleep because the sanctuary is gone. All those thoughts and emotions are all here with me. I’m not even sure I can rebuild the trust I broke. I’m not even sure I deserve the chance to mend what I broke. If Jay was smart, he’d just let me go. I can’t even remember what I said or what in the hell I was thinking.
I know I’ve had that blind rage hit me before… I didn’t even know I had it in me… it scares me. It terrifies me actually. That momentary loss of control. It makes e want to hide under the covers… wait for it to roll over me. Why did I answer the phone? For a split second I remember telling myself to not answer.
No. I answered and destroyed.
I know I can’t undo what’s been done. He’ll never see me the same way. I don’t blame him. The last night I was with him and he was blind with his own anger. I walked away. To be honest what he said was a lot worse, what he did physically still scares me. The flashbacks are decreasing.
The scary part. My heart hurts again. I’m not sure what this episode did but it definitely hurts. Even right now at this moment… I can feel that same sharp pain. I did that. To myself. Pretty sure I just broke my own heart again. I wish I could sleep. Turn off this brain.
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