August 7th

 I quit

Not only did I quit but I relieved myself of so much stress and turmoil.

I have come to so many decisions in the past few days... decisions that make me not only feel better about myself but are propelling me to a less stressful life/outlook. 

"I would chose the villain over the hero any day. The hero will sacrifice his love for you for the greater good, the villain will burn the world down to protect what is his."

I have never read a more accurate description of why I chose Jay over everyone else and I always have, because I know he would chose me over everyone and everything else. There is something in being loved by someone who does not care about what anyone else thinks or cares about. I have ALWAYS known Jay would do anything to protect me, when I have never felt like that with anyone else. Errol intentionally went out of his way to hurt me, physically and mentally. Ed would do whatever his mom wanted and nothing beyond this. The ultimate mama's boy and Allan? People pleaser. If they did not like me, I was always at risk of losing him. 

I chose Jay above everything and everyone else, besides Jessica, but thank the gods she loves him too. 

This weekend was... amazing and sad. I know Jay was not always feeling 100% but he powered through it... I keep an eye on him though and do not push. 

Marley... that sweet little girl passed away this weekend. I am going to miss her sneaking up on the bed to find a spot next to me and resting her head on me to let me know she was there to comfort me. I also miss her being my excuse as to why I take up 75% of the bed. I barely knew her and it broke my heart to walk in his room and it felt... empty. 

I did my best to distract Jay. We went to that place in Suisun and wow, everything was so good there. I think it is one of my favorite places to eat now. I also love that it is a place I know that he has not been with anyone else. It is ours. After that we went to Scandia where I completely annihilated him in Galaga, he never had a chance :) and I was taking it easy on him too! Then we played Fast and Furious and it was pretty even and of course my competitive side came through... it was so much fun. I could not stop smiling. He was not a sore loser and neither was I. I liked that we could laugh through our losses and we found something we both LIKE doing that is inside and a game. 

He pointed out how much I like playing games... a big kid. He is not wrong, I love playing games. I like being competitive... knowing we can play and even if one of us loses we are good sport about it. I did not realized how important that is to me... almost as important as how someone treats wait staff, waitresses and waiters... He treats them with so much kindness, and he knows all of their names... I am not quite that friendly but I love that he is. He always has been, he's better at networking and socializing. Not that I am horrible at it but he is much more skilled at it than I am. Again, finding balance in our strengths and weaknesses. 

Saturday we did not do much of anything, just hung out at his place and I was content with that. 

Sunday... I can't even go into much of the phone call I got, except to say, I hope everything Charlie dreamt comes true and if it did nothing else, what that call did do was solidified that I am exactly where I am supposed to and with the person I am supposed to be with. Jay was sweet enough to buy the wallet and 2 pairs of jeans I needed... I was barely able to function and did not realize it or even fight him on it, which I am sure he was relieved about. I still do not feel like I thanked him properly but I appreciate how sweet it was that he did buy those things for me.