August 3rd

 "If they can't be there for your worst days... they don't deserve to be there on your best days."

I never really thought about how I keep people in my life who do not contribute anything to it other than drama and turmoil. I guess because Allan was such a social person he wanted ALL of the friends he could get and so they became my people too. I never cared about having a large group of friends and to be honest, I am looking forward to purging all of them with a few exceptions. His cousin Shelley is the ONLY one who noticed I turned off my socials and she texted me in her normal fashion at 2am to make sure I was okay. I know she and Allan did not get along well, but I am keeping her. Not even my own family noticed that I turned off everything... 

I am looking forward to deleting people from my phone and social media and going back to blocking Jaye and Chris Marzan. The truth is... I would rather start over with new friends and connections who did not know Allan because I hate when people look at me and they just see me as an extension on him. Not me as my own person. His personality was so large that he overshadowed me. No one knew who I was and they did not even bother getting to know me. 

Jay was there for one of my worst days... it was a 9 and not quite a 10, but he was there for me when no one has ever been.

Although to be fair, the first time I tried when I was 18, I did wake up to Errol standing there next to my bed in the hospital. Second time was Ed and nope, wasn't there, but that paramedic hitting on me was the icing on that cake. Third time was 2 years ago and no Allan. He wasn't worried even when I came home and all those days after Allan died... I didn't know how to ask anyone to be there. 

"'You'll suffer for as long as you allow yourself to suffer.'"

I am not sure why this is finally sinking in. The more that I recall 4/3 months in the past when Allan was sick and dying... I am only torturing myself... blaming myself... I really have to let go of that guilt and realize no matter what I do right now, today will not change the outcome. He will still be dead, I will still have an entire group of people who are mad and angry for no other reason than I am not living up to their impossible standards. 

So instead I have to choose to be happy. I have to. I can't keep letting myself slip into that darkness. It will be on the edge of my consciousness but I can push it out. I have to remember that I could not save him all on my own, he should have gone to the doctor a week before when we asked him to, he was an adult and he made the decision to not go, he only went to the ER because I forced him and called 911. If I had gone to work that day, I could have come home to him dead. That is the truth and the reality I need to remember.  I did what I could for him and I was there almost every day he was in the hospital even though mentally it was killing me as well as physically. 17 days... I was there, not eating not sleeping. Barely surviving. It did not change anything, he still died even though I was there. Zsa was only there at the end because then suddenly she got it through her head he was dying. 

I did not chose the life I have now... this was not what my life was supposed to look like. I never imagined this. 4 months ago if someone told me I would be with Jay Martinez and happier than you have ever been in 30 years, I would have laughed in their face and called them crazy. 

I did not see him coming into my life the way he has. He is right about a lot of what he had to say... I have to think about what it means to be in his family and being a Martinez because I want that more than I can express. My decisions now are going to be based on how they will help our relationship and our future because as much as change is hard, I am going to be what he wants and deserves. Having our first real bump in our second round of this relationship has been eye opening... and anxiety inducing. 

My therapist made sense when she said of course I lashed out the person closest to me. That is what we all do as humans when we are in pain but I have never done that before to anyone besides my kids, because I never loved Ed or Allan the way that I love Jay. As much as I had to learn to moderate myself with my kids, I need to do this with Jay too. Jessica even mentioned yesterday that she has always known me to be mean... EYE ROLL... because I am parenting, I had to be the authoritative parent, Ed never understood follow through. As much as I was sweet and innocent when I was 21, I have been through hell and back at age 51. I have a sharp tongue and wit, I know I can cut people down and I cannot undo what has been done or said. 

Everyone has bad days and my having one bad day in 2 months considering what I have been through, well she said that's pretty amazing. I should be proud that I have been able to moderate my emotions for so long and with all the triggers I had, its not shock I finally snapped but I need to regulate my interactions when I do snap and instead of taking it out on Jay or the kids, I need to tell them I am having a bad day. I have to keep track of my emotions and I am... daily every few hours. I also need to remember that when it gets like this, massages help me through them. Pain for some reason gives me all the endorphins I am missing from the SSRI medications. Getting waxed, massage and those cysts deciding to explode yesterday... I needed all of that pain in one day. Sometimes I wish I could cut myself which I know would give me those endorphins I need but I can't imagine marking my skin intentionally and possibly getting infections. Nope, not for me. 

Thankfully the damn hives are finally GONE! 

Today really is a 1.5 I cannot say its a 1... I am sure there will be better days than this but overall its a pretty good day. Background check is finally done, I have an interview, my neck and back are still in pain from the massage (which is a good thing). 

"Even in your grief, you are allowed to be happy"

I have to forgive myself for being happy. I have to forgive myself for moving forward in my life. 

I am moving beyond the past few months... and letting my past be that, my past and not drag it into my future and as much as people want me to be sad and miserable. I do not want that. I want to be happy, and I have been. Yes I will have sad moments, but they have to be just that, moments. I need to remember my coping skills and move beyond the sadness because unlike a lot of people, that sadness becomes darkness and that darkness can lead to my death. Not just suicide but also my health and heart. I want to live I want to see where Jay and I are headed. I want to eventually fix what is broken between Jerrolyn and I. I need to be here for Jessica. She above all of them needs me the most.  

I am excited to see what our lives will look like, hell Jessica is excited to see where we will be in a year. She is so happy about Jay, I do not even think he understands how much she needs him. To be honest, she needs him more than I do. Somehow I have to figure out how all three of us can spend more time together. We talked about our lives last night, after I took her to starbucks and she was so worried that we were in a bad place and she wanted to be sure we were back on track. When I asked her about watching Marley, her eyes lit up, she did not care about the money, just that Jay and I were still doing good. Not that the greedy brat won't take it, she is invested in this relationship. 

Its been 2 months... 1 bad day. 1. Compared to what was 51 days of darkness and despair, how I survived, I am not sure. If I had known what was on the other side of those 51 days...