Jay July 24th

When I look at you, I see my past present and future. I see someone who makes me feel more safe and protected than I’ve ever felt in my life. I don’t want to lose that feeling with you. You make me laugh, all the time. Your forehead kisses or randomly kissing whatever body part happens to be closest to those lips, fills me with a contentment I didn’t know existed. You allowing me to use you as my very own pillow, makes me feel loved…  You fulfill every need I have and some I didn’t even know I had but I know if I were to lose you, there’d be a lot more missing than when we started. You make me feel loved, wanted, desired, beautiful, a priority. You have become everything to me in such a short amount of time that I can’t even remember my life before you. 

I’m so glad we’ve introduced each other to our families. I’m so happy everyone is on board with us. 

I never imagined in the last 30 years there would be a day when I’d call you mine and that we’d be planning the rest of our lives as a couple.  Jay Martinez, a second chance? No way. Something I wanted so badly before actually happening? But when you said you’d wished you’d taken me more seriously… something inside of me… came to life. 

Hope. 

Then when you said I was the one that got away according to Kim… that seed of hope, grew just a little more but stayed dormant…

Waiting…

Your wife passed and I reached out once… horribly. Not as sincerely as you needed and did that realization slam into me when Allan died. I felt so bad, so guilty. Because I have always cared about you from a safe distance. Your photos showing up on my feed, I’d like them if I saw them. Seeing you happy with Rachel and your family. Genuinely wishing you all the best. As you are well aware, I stay friendly with almost all of my exes and guys I’ve dated from my past. 

But then my own tragedy struck… I reached out to you because I was embarrassed that I’d barely messaged you when Rachel died, but not wanting to interfere or disrupt your life, yet having genuine concern for your well being, I knew I’d failed you. So the first message was filled with sincerity, concern and above all shame for not messaging ever again. 

I had no idea what was in store for me, you or us.

That I’d get this amazing person, whom I loved before but now all fixed up and ready. Waiting for me, hell, praying and wishing for me. Or at least the idea of me. 

I knew I needed you, before I’d even written to you… I knew I needed not only your amazing ability to give advice but I’d craved the protection you provide as well as someone who I knew would share in making decisions. It wouldn’t be all on me anymore. That’s the relationship I crave and need. To be not only equals but knowing that I can trust you in making decisions. 

You make me happy. In every single way. Mind body and soul… When I look at you my heart starts racing… looking at how this handsome man, whom I’ve always been so wildly attracted to… looking back at me… seeing me, loving me, wanting me. Smelling you… more often than not smelling me on you knowing those lips and tongue have brought me more pleasure than I’d imagine possible… thinking of how that mouth gives me orgasms that soak me clear through to the point I can feel my own juices sliding down my ass. Knowing that eventually your perfectly sized cock will either be in my mouth or you’ll be over me, giving me those delicious kisses while filling me to the maximum. 

You were supposed to be mine. We fit together too perfectly for us not meant to be. When I cuddle into you, your cool smooth skin, up against my heated sticky self… It’s so comforting. 

Written in the stars. I read that in a book recently… We are in the right time, right place, right circumstances. All 3 align. My life is perfect now with you in it. I love how we balance each other out. My nerdy brain with your wise street smart brain. My aggressive sexuality versus your need to please me. Our mutual need for attention from each other. Our flaws, our weaknesses, our strengths… all perfectly balance each other out. 

I am so thankful for you. 

Above all, that huge gaping window in my past, full of questions, wondering why we ended like we did, that's closed now. I have my answers and I can accept the past for what it is. 

Of course I wish things would have played out differently for us. You have always been the one for me. I fell for you when I was 20-21 and while it is true I do keep in contact with all of my exes (because I am such an amazing person) you were never just an ex. You changed me in every way possible then, and with you, I am someone completely different. I get to be me and you bring out the best of me while also encouraging me to be the best version of myself. I do not have to worry about your judgement or condemnation. My body responds to you in ways that I do not even understand, but I am loving it. More than anything, I am comfortable with you in every way. I do not worry about what you think about my stretch marks, belly fat or any other part of my body I would typically hide, because I know when I look at you, stretched out next to me, naked, I want you so badly and I am so wildly attracted to you that I love every part of you. Even that belly scar that scares me and makes me sad, knowing the pain you went through and how many times I could have lost the chance for what we have now. 

I am grateful I did not go through the year and a half of loneliness you went through. I only had one month of that, and it nearly killed me. I was drowning in my own thoughts, the cycle of them and I could not break them on my own.  The truth is that I have never loved anyone the way I have loved you all of my life. I have always wanted this chance with you and I was not sure I would ever get it, now that we have this second chance, it is better than I imagined.