I hate being apart from you.
This feeling… it’s like something inside of me is pulling me towards you when I’m not with you. I’m supposed to be curled up next to you as I fall asleep… Not alone in this huge bed, well aside from all my pets.
I’m definitely struggling with this. I’ve spent months away from both Ed and Allan, for work. By the third night at Disneyland I was so homesick for you, I was miserable.
I’m glad I know now that I can’t take another job that requires a lot of travel. I didn’t realize it until I was away from you, I need to see you daily.
I know that when we were dating before I needed to see you all the time… I thought it was a phase, I didn’t think 30 years later, I’d still need to spend every free moment of my day with you. That I could only feel complete and at peace, if I am with you. Able to touch and smell you. You are my home.
I just got to work and I told you last night about me doing the live cam shows. I have always felt a slight bit of shame and judgement from my own conscience. I know we did not talk really in depth about it... I appreciate you not probing too far into that time of my life. In retrospect though, while driving here to work, I realized a few things.
During that time, I was searching for something. Trying to understand my own sexuality. Mostly because after you and I ended, what we had, I was chasing that. I thought it was something you did... some way that maybe you touched me. I did not know it had everything to do with you.
You are not my type, you are bossy and demanding and won't let me get away with anything. With you, I become a brat, which is also a submissive type. Which oddly enough is considered a sex type, you bring this out of me. The sulking demanding part of me. Wanting all of your attention and now, getting all of it.
With anyone else, I am the dominant and in control.
The truth is though, I want you to be the one to push me back into my place and to keep me there, you do, without much push back from me. I will always enjoy pushing you a little bit because I do enjoy when you get a little mad and show me again why I let you dominate over me. I have always reveled in that little space between you being irritated by me before I push you into real anger.
However, even when you were at your most angriest with me, I was still so turned on by you that night, even though some of the flashbacks were hard to live through, I also know that those flashbacks also turned me on but to be honest, I am in a constant state of arousal with you. Anticipating not only our time together but your touch.
What I was looking for, was not an experience, was not a specific touch.
I was looking for the intense connection I have with you and only with you, it took me 30 years to understand this. I spent my entire life, trying things, doing things, reading about sex in every possible way to know that, I was looking for you. I did have fun learning about myself and my sexuality beyond what we had. Finding out that deep down, I am submissive, that I want to be ruled over sexually. I want to be told what to do and how to do it because ultimately what turns me on the most is making you satisfied, not that I do not love orgasms too.
Now that I have you, really have you this time. I am not going anywhere, what I was looking for, I have. I am going to keep pushing you and annoying you because ultimately when you get tired of me toying with you and you becoming demanding is ultimately what I am looking for.
Back to the cam thing, it was fun... except when I was recognized which did freak me out.
Being in control, deciding what I wanted to do and show, gave me a power and control I never had before. Being the one to decide what happened and how it happened, knowing I was being watched but no one being able to touch me. There was an excitement in that but when it comes to you suddenly jumping up stripping off my clothes and your tongue suddenly licking me, I can barely remember my name. NOTHING is better than you taking control but even better when you push me on to my back and thrust deep in me with little to no holding back makes me so wild for you. Looking up at you, knowing that I am yours while my entire body is vibrating with need for you, filling me and knowing that my orgasms are going to be out of my control because my body has always been yours to command.
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