30 years ago, when I turned 21 I was a mess. In every sense of the word. I had found out Jerrolyn's dad had not only cheated on me, but repeatedly and given me and Jerrolyn an STD while I was pregnant which I in turn, gave to her. Imagine the humiliation of being 18 and giving your newborn baby an STD.
Then, in some stupid act of forgiveness to her dad, I got pregnant, again. She was not even 3 months old. Needless to say I got an abortion and have zero regrets.
So what does this have to do with you? Well I am getting there, I want you to know what I went through prior to you.
At 21, I had one nightstand that resulted in, guess what... another pregnancy. The guy was nice, in fact we are still friends to this day, but again, I got an abortion as you know, I only had Jerrolyn when I was with you.
After that, I swore off all sex. 2 abortions at only 21 and one child. WTF was I thinking? If only plan B pill had been a thing back then.
Then you came along. To say you completely overrode all the common sense I had, would be an understatement and I did not have a lot. You changed my entire way of thinking. My entire personality. I loved you for those reasons. I loved you because I liked who I was with you.
I never understood your jealousy, until now.
Even at 21, Jay, you were the center of my universe.
Yes, I know why we ended. I know, looking back, I would have set aside Jerrolyn for you. You were my priority, and you knew that. So I am grateful that we ended... but not the way we ended. There were a million and one other ways our relationship could have and should have ended. None of them included that last night.
Knowing, you were, as you put it, irritated by Mike. Something finally clicked, I will get to that later. Even with you knowing, how shitty he treated me, you, for a brief moment had doubts. Which in my mind, is just crazy. Just like it was when I was 21.
When you let me be a part of your life, not just now, but even before, Jay, you are everything to me.
I had this keychain, that said "Jay's Princess". I kept it for years after we ended. I only tossed it maybe 10 years ago.
I know this is hard for you to believe or even understand, because even for me, I do not understand the way you completely captivate me. The way that when I am with you, my entire focus is on you. Or when we are a part, all I am doing is waiting until I am back with you again.
Like 2 magnets, always trying to snap back together.
I have never felt like this with ANYONE. Only with you. Only for you.
Even though that one horrible night happened and every once in awhile I have a flashback of you grabbing a fistful of my hair and pulling my hair back and whispering in my ear that I was a hoe, I loved you anyways. I loved you even in that moment. I was practically begging whatever gods exist for you to call me after that night, to let me still be a part of your life. To let me show you, you were everything to me. I would have forgiven you the very next day if you had only called.
The call never came, you would not even acknowledge me when you did see me. I suddenly ceased to exist for you.
If that night did not break me, how you treated me after, did.
Part of me, went a little crazy after that. I won't go into a lot of details because no one wants to relive that, but I did try E and a lot of other crazy things, trying to get past you. Past us.
Yes, I am giving you another chance. I would have given it to you then if you had asked. I almost wanted to beg you to give me another chance then, 30 years ago, but I think deep down, I knew you and I were not going to work out with what you were doing. I needed to focus on Jerrolyn.
That was definitely NOT what I did. I did a lot of things, I regret and wish I could undo. But during my wild time, I learned a lot about myself while I was out looking for the connection we had with someone else.
What I feel for you is unique and I can never feel like this with anyone, but you. As much as I was thinking a month ago, there is no way that is still there, after almost 30 years, yet the moment I was standing in front of you and all of those emotions slammed into me, I realized not only were they still there but they were doubled up now and stronger than they had ever been.
I do not get butterflies with anyone. I do not miss anyone. I like my space, my solitude. I was perfectly happy with my marriage and how we did things separately. Allan would hang out with his friends and his music stuff, I would go on vacations and travel without him. We were content in that. I could drive to the bay area, alone, spend the day shopping, eating at my favorite spots and even going to my hometown to get my ice cream at Preston's and go to Coyote Point and watch the planes take off from SFO. At first, Allan did not understand my need to do things without him. It grew on him over the years and he eventually got used to it.
I want to do those things with you and no one else. I get butterflies when I see you and on my way to Vallejo. I miss you as soon as I leave you. I need to be in YOUR space and even take up as much of your side of the bed that you will let me get away with because I need to be with you. As much as I love my king size bed, I love being in your small bed squished up against you while you grumble and try to get me to move over to my side.
So back to that night and you being irritated by Mike, I am still processing it, as my therapist wants me to... and write everything out. Your jealousy was misplaced and why I bring this out of you, well I am not sure but I get it now. I never thought you were worried about losing me to someone else, because in my mind, I have always been yours. Yes, I USED to go out of my way to get your attention by looking at guys, stupid that's all it took, but that came from 2 things. No commitment between us and my insecurity, because I knew as much as I could have anyone I wanted, so could you. The way you broke past all my rules and reservations with only as much as a blink in my direction, I am not the only one that could be this enamored and charmed by you.
Fast forward to today. I not only have the commitment I need from you. I also know, this is it for both of us. My insecurities are long gone between us. I KNOW I have you.
I want and need you to know, YOU HAVE ME. In every sense of the word "have". Jay, when I see our future, our lives and I am yours with your name when you get around to asking me to change it for you officially, it is you and me. Growing older and together. I have never wanted someone as much as I want you.That has not changed and now it won't because I have you. My feelings for you have only grown and there is not a part of me that does not belong to you, completely. Even when you have bad days, weeks or months, Jay, I want to be there for you. Helping you in any way that I can. You are my most favorite person, ever. You make me a completely different person. I look to you for your approval and your reassurance, those forehead kisses that make me feel like a little girl, protected and loved for. More than anything though, wherever you are is where I want to be.
I love who we’ve become. Separately but coming together 30 years later. Smarter. Wiser. Both of us completely single, having suffered the same fates in our previous marriage. Like you say, this was meant to be.
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