How he can read my moods... when I am not even in the same city he is in, baffles me. His good morning text was exactly what I needed this morning. How could he have known that?
1 month today. 1 month since we met at the hotel... It seems like a lifetime has already gone by. I remember seeing him for the first time and I swear I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. All of that sexual tension we had built up over 10 days... slammed into me, to the point I could barely talk much less breath. When he barely touched me as we made our way up to the hotel room, I think I knew in that moment, this was going to be intense.
That first kiss... that still makes my stomach have butterflies and the way he pushed me on the bed, and I love that he still does that, even now. How easily my body responds to him, as much as I try to control that, there is something in being with someone who turns you on by barely saying a word, but do I love when he talks dirty to me, crave that even and it makes me even more wild for him when he does it. Everything about that first day was perfect.
The way he touches me, the way he makes me feel. How much my body desires him in every way. I do not think there is a way he could touch me, that would not turn me on.
Now that the worst of the sexual tension has subsided... not that it was bad. It was amazing but it made it hard to think past where I wanted him to touch me and how badly I needed him inside of me. To be honest, he barely touches me and I still zero in on exactly where he is touching me. So the tension is there its just not as intense (meanwhile I am turning myself on just thinking about him touching me).
When I am not thinking like some sex crazed teenager, and I can feel the rest of my feelings, what am I left with?
This calm and strong love for him. This connection to him that is more than just him touching me, but of course when he does, all thoughts vanish. The need to be near him, how soothing his voice is to me, how his scent makes me relax and how being wrapped around him, eases all my tension to the point I can fall asleep with little to no effort. He makes me more relaxed than I have ever been, since him. How the feel of him pressed up on me when I am drifting off to sleep comforts me in ways I can not describe. I get why people like weighted blankets, and why that pressure is reassuring.
He makes me laugh, he makes me angry, he makes me sad, he makes me beyond happy, he makes me feel ALL the feelings, which I am not used to. I am used to being the mellow emotionless person that everyone has pegged me to be but with Jay, he brings out all the emotions from me. More than anything, I like who I am with him. I feel like I am 100% me with him, even when I am quiet in the silence, still me. Am I still slow and cautious around him? Yes, nerves. Now I can look at him a little easier. Now I can meet his eyes a lot more, obviously not as much as he wants. I can watch him as he makes love to me or as I orgasm...
Regardless of how he knew this, all of this, us, was a possibility, I did not. I did not think I would be the one Jay would be in love with. I did not think I would be contemplating not only the rest of my life with him, but changing my name to his and planning a commitment ceremony in our future. Meeting his kids and grandkids, or the rest of his extended family. Going on a cruise with him in 3 months. All of this while I know is ACTUALLY happening, as I live through all of it, it still seems not only surreal but impossible.
Jay loving me.
21 year old me would be screaming at me, do not be a fool! What are you thinking/doing? He will break your heart. While nearly 51 year old me, is telling her to calm down, he grew up, he lived and he evolved. He is yours now. It took 30 years to come to this, but it did. Not really the best timing to be sure but I did not get to decide if and when to fall for him. It happened without me even noticing or maybe I was just always still in love with him. I honestly did not see a single moment in our chatting and calls when it happened. It just was. I fell in love with Jay even before I saw him 1 month ago.
Not only was I totally and completely in love with him, I knew he was who I wanted. Now, who I need.
Not going to lie, I hate needing him. It definitely still makes me feel weak. I am trying to get past that, thanks grandma for planting that seed in my mind and letting it take root for 45 years. Why any woman would tell a child some of the stuff she told me, will always confuse me.
When I look beyond today, tomorrow, next year and beyond, he is there. Jay, with me. I am also terrified of the future, I know that is because I lost Allan. I get where this irrational fear of loss is stemming from, it does not make it less real or less worrisome.
I am also working on it, trying not to give a voice to those fears, which are so crazy strong right now. Especially after Uncle Maning's passing. It is just going to make all those fears bubble up again... and Auntie Sooki, and hell, Larissa and JJ. My heart goes out to them and I know what is going through their minds right now. As a daughter and a wife.
I need to see him, today. I know its because yet again, another death in my family. When I get into my dark thoughts, and boy, do they get dark and when I start to despair over everything and start spiralling and say things like Jay and I not working out... he acts surprised. I wish I had the conviction he does for us, about us. Odd to think I am the pessimist between us. I am not even a pessimist... I think its just when I am trying to fill in the gaps in conversation it just pops in my head. This is why I HATE talking just whatever is in my mind. It comes out wrong and negative.
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