July 10th

 Tomorrow is officially our 1 month. 

1 month, since I felt that creeping loneliness. 1 month since the tears have started to dry up. 1 month of happiness and love. More than that, feeling his protective nature over me. 1 month since I realized he still had pieces of my heart still and that even though I thought I had nothing left to give. 

I actually have more to give than I ever imagined.

We have gotten through the hardest parts. Meeting our families and introducing us... getting past those hurdles. He said he dreamt we had an outdoor wedding... I want to do a ceremony on the Disney Cruise. I want my dream ceremony, Disney. Then we have another one, for family and friends. I like Tahoe. We can invite everyone. I honestly never imagined being Jenn Martinez. Or another J. Martinez. I do not know how I got this lucky. Seriously... I get to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me laugh and makes me so happy. He is the sweetest and most gentle person I know, while also being fiercely protective. He is also the most caring, watching him get Al something reminds me, he was like that before with me too. At the club he would bring me drinks, checking in on me. He has changed so much and kept all the things I loved most about him 30 years ago and added even more great aspects to his personality. Seeing him with his kids/grandkids melted me. If I had even had one flash of the future and what he would be like, I would have fought harder for him. I would have fought harder for us, but yes, I know... we were all we were meant to be 30 years ago but it still makes me sad. I wish... I wish for so many things. 

I did not have this with Allan, everything and how we ended was exactly what I wanted 30 years ago. As much as Jay and I run parallel to Allan and I, it's such a different course and a different way to get to what we are now.

I never wanted to walk away from Jay. It broke me. Remembering how heart broken I was following that, is still so prevalent in my day to day life, I loved him so much, but he never committed to me. We were never exclusive which is why his jealousy always confused me. Now if that last night would stop replaying for me every once in awhile, I could get past it, eventually. I am not sure what will bring me closure. 

I get why Jay says I do not need to relive the experience of Allan's death. But I need for Allan's family to know what it was like that last month. Zsa is giving out her version... which is not even close enough to the horror that was actually happening. But in the exact same breath I have to ask myself, do I care? Part of me says no, I do not. I have Jay. Not only do I have him, but he is everything to me and I know he does not want me stressed and he wants me to focus on him and not what was or has been. However, the past 3 months are not really in my past, they are still my present time line. 

I told him about the ritual to get me past this shyness, the timidness I have around him. I swear I am getting better and then I backtrack and fall back again. Progress vanishes. 

This weekend I was so distracted as much as I wanted him, I just wasn't all there. Everytime he so lovingly went down on me, I could not shut off my brain. I get why men have a hard time performing if they can't shut down all the thoughts. I guess I need to tell him I definitely need more foreplay and I need him to talk dirty to me, which god, I love when he does that. 

More than anything, god, he notices the tiniest details. Like my lashes. I have honestly forgotten I got them done, but he goes out of his way to compliment them, ALL THE TIME. As well as tell me how he loves my makeup and that I am not overdone or cakey. Which I am shocked he even knows is a real thing but I am very very careful with my application of makeup and I intentionally go less is more, except with eyeliner and mascara although to be fair to myself I never overdo either. BUT he sees that. I do not remember Allan or hell, even Ed complimenting my makeup. I do not even think with Jay before I really wore makeup at all. 

I am still struggling with the difference of the Jay I knew and the Jay I know now... Yes, I get the saying that you are still in love with the person you knew (as in the past) however, I love him even more now. Somehow he has become such a better person in every way. 

Today. Today was the day I got to see the Jay I’ve known forever. The aloof distracted Jay. I had him for a moment and then when I called him back, he was back to that again. I know he’s having a rough day today so I’m not going to let it get to me. I know there will be a lot more days like this. I’m going to give him time to get through it since there isn’t a fucking thing I can do to help him which is really frustrating. I won’t let this hurt me or us. He kind of snapped at me over the comment with Mike. Communicate. I know. What the hell am I supposed to say? Turn off the tv and stop ignoring me? Nope. Not me. Jesus I’m horrible at this.