May 31st, 6 weeks

 I cannot believe I have not wrote anything in so many days... I guess I am finally finding ways to keep myself busy

This past weekend I went with Lisa and Patrick to the mid town farmers market. This is the second time I have gone, the first time was the day before our wedding anniversary. I wish you and I had gotten a chance to go. I think you would have liked it. Especially the food trucks, the dim dum lady was there. I bought more potstickers, I think they will be good for a quick dinner when I do not feel like cooking which is more often than not. Then we ate at Pancake Circus which absolutely reminds me of you. 

Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to live somewhere that does not remind me of you? Would it be easier? Harder? Sadder? I can't imagine leaving the home we bought together. I get anxiety at even the thought of it.

Sunday I went with Cary, Ria, Em and Lisa to see the Little Mermaid. That I would have forced you to go to. I only thought of you once or twice during the entire movie. 

Yesterday I went to my boss to ask for a small raise... he flat out said no. Then gave me all kinds of shitty advice. I know you would be so angry if you heard it, so I signed the document confirming my interest in working for the state which was always the plan. Even when you were alive. I wanted to be able to work from home and spend more time WITH you. Side by side. I love you so much... I hope you realize this. Even with the pay cut I will make it work. I hate where I am especially after the shitty way he treated me. I know you are somewhere telling me to get the hell out of here. Especially since I have a state job lined up. I hear you. 

I turned off your phone and the second phone, looking for ways to save money over all. Which is fine... almost $500 later but I know I will be saving a lot more than that in the long run.

So we are planning the trip to Hawaii... I am excited. Taking your ashes to the spot you requested. Diamond Head. I am not even sure you knew what you were asking of me when you said it... but here I am planning for it anyways, even with my funky heart and blood pressure. Jessica and Lisa will be working out with me now. 25 flights of stairs Allan, 25 flights. You complained about 1! Lisa, Zsa, Randy and the kids. I will pay for Randy's flight. 

15 weeks... I have 15 weeks to get to that. So I have to build up my endurance basically 2 flights a week. 3 days a week I have to work out. 

I am going to stuff as much of you as I can in that container so that there is less that the kids have to deal with when you go with me. Yes I made an executive decision. You are, at least part of you will be with me at Coyote Point. Sorry but you left me and I get to make all the decisions. To be honest, what's new? I always made a lot of these major decisions for us. I love you silly rabbit. I want us to be together, forever. In case I have not said it... I love you. I love you more than you will ever know and I miss you so much that every part of my soul aches for you. I am trying to keep living. 

I should reach out to your friend Pearson. I hope he is doing okay. I did not know he had a problem with alcohol. He scares me a bit. I feel like he will be joining you sooner than later and I barely know him so I would not even know if he did pass. Are you the one putting this idea in my head? I texted him. I hope he is okay. You know you can do that whenever you need to. I may not like it much but I get it. 

I am still confused by that big bag of dirty clothes by your side of the bed... You did not even wash them that weekend. Were you really that sick? I know you took the time off, you were taking all the niquil you could get your hands on. What did we even do that last weekend? I remember watching you on the cameras... so confused and just sitting there. WHY IN THE HELL DID NOT YOU NOT TELL ME TO TAKE YOU TO THE ER? Why did you think you disappointed me? That plays over and over in my head... FUCK! I should have done everything so differently. 

I miss your emotional outbursts... I miss taking care of you... I miss you just fucking BEING THERE. How is this my life? THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! HERE ALLAN you promised me 30 years!!! It was ONLY 12. I am so mad at you sometimes I can barely breath much less cry. 

I just read something... that made me think. I know you would want me to continue to keep living. Even though ALL I want right now is for a huge truck to hit me and take me out of my misery. I am really working hard to get everything prepped for the kids, in case I die. Which is hopefully sooner than later, but like I told my doctor I am not suicidal per se, but if I got sick I would not fight it... part of me does not even want to take the heart medication... just let it happen. Is it that bad I want to be where ever you are even if I do not believe you are anywhere? Like if you were here... or in heaven or somewhere would you not reach out to me? Would you not do EVERYTHING you could to prove to me you are there? Loving me still... being there in the ether?

There is a part of me, that is holding on to the belief that you are somewhere. That you exist waiting for me. Because if you're not, what the hell am I even doing here? Once everything is in mine and Jessica's name, house, bank accounts, cars... I do not need to be here. She will inherit everything and once I am working for the state she will have my life insurance. She can survive on that for years... So that... I guess that's my plan. I would like to live long enough to collect your social security when I am 60. 9 years and 57 days. 

It has been 6 weeks. 6 long torturous weeks. 

Wherever you are...

Do you count my tears?

Do you see the times I cannot get out of bed?

Do you know I search for you every night and every morning?

May 27th

One month

I’ve survived one month without you 

I did not want to. With my rare heart condition I’d hoped I would not. 

But I need to get Jessica set up for success. My heart is still breaking. It’s so surreal to me. The pain of losing you. I’m searching for connections… in every possible way. You love me. I know you do. I’m your password!!! We are your passwords. Your kisses. Your touches. I fucking know you love me. I have NEVER doubted you but now I am???

Why? What is wrong with me. I miss you so much. The ache inside of me so intense. I never thought I could be this sad. I thought losing my dad was the worst. Or even my grandmother but Allan. This is so much worse. I want to die. I’m hoping I die. I don’t want a life without you. This was not what our lives were supposed to be. 

It was me and you. Handling our lives. Day by day. Soon it would have been just you and me. I was looking forward to it. We never got there. 

May 26th

I can’t fall asleep or stay asleep without you. 

One month. Tomorrow. 

47 days… since I last talked to you   Held your hand. Said I love you. 

I miss you in every way possible. I love you so so very much. 

All the could have should have would have. The what if. 

Rehashing them over and over again. What if you’d gone on the first when Zsa begged you. Why didn’t I just force the issue. But I did. I called her. She showed up. 

May 25th

 I think I have accepted that I will never, not miss you. 

I am dreading your one month anniversary but to be honest, the 10th of the month is the real one for me. The last time I saw you, held your hand. The last time you said I love you, last time you called me mama. 

There is not a single moment of that day I do not regret. 

I wish I had stayed I wish we had talked I wish so many things... 

May 24th

 I think anyone, widow, widower even significant other, when their person passes away, if that person meant something to them, in their grief they lose their identity. 

So let me explain, when you live with someone and they are part of your day to day routines, losing them suddenly, unexpectedly means that your entire life changes, has to change. 

It can be something as small as the sharing of chores and can be as big as now being a sole provider. Regardless of how your routine changes, it changes, in an instant. Your brain, in all of its wisdom goes into a downward spiral as it not only copes with the loss of that person but also the change in your routine. The loss is then prevalent in any and every way, making the grief so much more difficult to manage. You just want to crawl under the covers and cry, but you cannot, because you have to figure out how to fill in the gaps they have now left in your life. 

There are a lot of them and some of them more impactful than others. One I have a HUGE gripe about:

The sudden loss of medical insurance. My husband passed away on the 27th of April, a Thursday and by Sunday, we no longer had benefits because it was the end of the month. I cannot blame the company he worked for, for 20 years, oh no. They did not do this and in fact they offered to pay for 90 days worth of medical benefits. It was his union, Teamsters 856. 

I was lucky, I work, fulltime and I was able to get benefits on the following Monday.

Not everyone is this fortunate, and I think it is something that needs to be acknowledged. I do not think that 4 days is enough time to deal with medical benefits. I do not even think one week is long enough, there should at MINIMUM be 2 weeks to get those into place due to the passing of the benefit holder. My husband worked for this company for 20 years! They couldn't give me time to get that all into place? I am the most level headed planner and my grief while debilitating at times, I was still able to manage getting plans into place and propelling myself forward. I am sure younger widows/widowers with young children would be even more exhausted and overwhelmed with the sheer amount of responsibility now placed on them. 

May 22nd

I’ve skipped a few days. 

Your storage unit is now empty and Dave now has possession of all your music and equipment. 

I hope that’s what you want. 

Randy came over too. To help. I offered to let him stay here when one of the kids move out. Honestly. It’s what I always imagined. I have known a long time you would pass away relatively young. I knew that Randy would step in and be my brother. 

I’ve seen it since the beginning of our marriage. 

I’m not sure if he’ll even stay. No pressure on him. It’s up to him. I don’t mind either way. 

May 19th

Today was another rough day. 

I miss you

There isn’t any part of you I don’t miss. Even the things that bugged and annoyed me. If I had to live with you only doing the most annoying things ever. I wouldn’t care because I’d have you. 

There is a part of me that believes that when you die you gain all the knowledge. You just know everything. There is no more mystery. Like you know the things I lied about to get you to do things my way… or the times I said I didn’t need you to go with me somewhere yet I secretly hoped you’d go anyways. Sometimes you did. Mostly you didn’t. I think you know I distanced myself from you because I felt like I was enabling you. Helping you to not help yourself. Which made me feel guilty. There were times I even considered leaving you so maybe you’d be motivated to change. 

But you know what now?

It wouldn’t have mattered. You died from something unrelated to your weight. A bacterial infection that tore your heart apart and the cause was never found. No open sores… I remember you had that open sore. And it was here in this house. Was it from that? Did it take that long? I think it was like the end of summer maybe? I remember taking care of it for you. It takes months for it to develop. Months. Jesus. Was that what it was? You had that 6 months? 

Sigh. Like actual human out loud sigh. Fuck I don’t know. I’m struggling still to understand how you could be up and walking around with me and two weeks later intubated. 2 more weeks you’re dead. 

I’m grateful you said goodbye. I’m so fucking grateful you said you love me forever. I’m so fucking grateful you called me mama one last time even though it bugged me to no end. I’m grateful I got to say goodbye. I’m grateful I was holding your hand when you passed. I’m grateful I got to tell you how much I love you over and over again those weeks. It wasn’t a quick death. It was long and drawn out. I got to say everything I needed to say. 

I’m grateful for the one day you were somewhat cognizant shrugging your shoulders. I got to talk to you then. You rolled your eyes and looked everywhere. I got to remind you how much I love you and how proud I was to be your wife. You are my best friend. I miss you so much that I can’t breath most of the time 

May 18th

My life is so dull without you. 

You were my muse. My inspiration for my small business. You were the sound, the music, the laughter in our home. 

Without you, it’s deathly silent. I don’t remember what I used to do. How I passed the time. 

I have nothing to do. No where to go. No one to talk to. 

Yes I can text family or friends but it’s not the same. It’s not you. 

Which sounds so pathetic but my entire world was wrapped so tightly into us. You had music. You had your friends. I had you. My world was so big and wide with you in it. Now it’s reduced to work and home. 

May 17th

Before we reconciled and I was married still, hating my life, myself and my situation… I had a premonition… and I do get them every once in awhile. 

I saw myself with a big guy. I didn’t really know anyone shaped like Allan at the time, but I knew that this person, in my future was going to be my person. I knew when I found him I’d do anything and everything to be with them, because, that was my person. 

When I finally saw Allan for the first time, 4 days after that first Facebook message, I realized it was him. He was my premonition. He was my person. 

When I fell in love with him, I let myself free fall and not hold back. I did this because I knew our destiny. I hadn’t seen it but I had felt all the faith, respect, security and love I would give and receive in that premonition. It nearly dropped me to my knees. 

It was right. It happened exactly how it should have and for 14 years. I felt all of those things. We had some rough patches as we navigated our personalities and Allan learned to adapt to not only being a husband but also how to be a stepdad and pet parent. All new things. 

My eternity now laid out before me is me. Just me. 

I know there isn’t anyone in my future. I can feel this as surely as I felt Allan and even more so how I knew he wouldn’t live past this year when I had the premonition originally in December 2022 that I would find him dead in that home office chair. I nearly did. It was really the last place where he was himself and fully coherent. 

I ignore the bad premonitions because of course, they scare me. I hope by ignoring them they won’t come true. 

Sometimes they hit me so strongly. Worried about everything and everyone I keep everyone home. 

How could I combat such a vague premonition especially when it wasn’t completely right? He had pneumonia how the heck could he die from that? I’ve had it more times than I can remember. 

Well the answer is one time. One time it can be bacterial. It can make your heart infected cause valves to stop working. Throw out blood clots, cause major organs to quit functioning. 

May 16th

Every day... 

I wait for the day when it gets a little easier. Sometimes it feels like it IS going to be a better day but then something will drag me right back to the darkness. There are days now I just want to stay in the darkness out of the light. Where I do not have to face the reality that you are gone and my mind screaming a thousand different regrets and what ifs. 

It gets so loud in my head now. 

I hear less of your voice now. Although if I just think about your voice, I can easily still hear you. For this I am grateful. I have always loved your deep voice. It soothed me even when you were emotional over something. 

Leaning into you and hear your voice muffled through your body was even deeper. Resonated differently and was so much deeper. That I miss the most. Snuggling up to you and listening to you talk while I drifted off to sleep. 

I miss you in every way possible. I am driving your car today... I cannot even bring myself to clean your car. Dave will help me clear out the storage unit this weekend. I will go through it and let him take all the music items and then drop off items for Randy and Zsa. 

May 15th, the return to work

Work… Something as simple as not only going to work but staying at work and then coming home from work can be more daunting than anyone can imagine.

I have now become a new person. There was who I was before my husband passed away.

The person I am now. Not whole. Not complete, missing a piece of my heart in the shape of my husband. 

I am lucky, everyone at my work is very kind. Almost too kind. Whispering words of condolences. Hugs. Notes. It's all so overwhelming. 

But I survived it. One day at a time.

It is hard to be that vulnerable around people, who are not MY people. Not family and also not friends. Crying as soon as you see the words “I am so sorry” forming on their lips. Trying to breath and say thank you without completely losing it and then hearing "It’s okay. It’s okay to cry, Jenn." Which makes you cry even more because you don’t want more compassion. 

I am the most stoic and composed person I know. My husband was the erratic emotional one. 

Complete opposites yet, somehow finding a middle ground and loving each other so much in our own unique ways. 

Then I had to dread the drive home. Usually walking into our home, my husband done with his work day, asking if I was going to cook or were we going to get something. Or him telling me he had plans to go to the studio, friends house or open mic and asking if we should get something now, quick before he had to go.

Always putting me and the kids first and foremost. Even if he did go out texting me before he would leave for home asking if I wanted anything, my reply always being no, thanks :)

He was my person in every sense. He truly loved me in any and every way possible, except the one way that mattered most. He did not love himself or put himself first. His biggest flaw. Our only relationship flaw. One that made me so frustrated with him, daily. He hurt me, by not loving himself. He never understood that. By loving me more than he loved himself, he deprived himself of so much.

So with that tangent done...

Live every day like it is your last. Love yourself more than anyone else.

May 14th

Skipped a day. I got the tattoo done. 

There is something comforting about it. The tattoo artist really did a great job. I did it in blood red. Or as close to blood as I could get  

Driving down 99. What a trigger. I thought it might be. But today confirmed it. Screaming for you to wait for me. To hold on. Let me say goodbye. 

May 12th

My jealousy is something I’ll never understand with you. 

I think because of the way we started triggers it. I love you. I love you so much. But it’s just easier to be mad at you. Because then it doesn’t hurt so much that you’re gone. But you are. You’re gone. My best friend. The love of my life. Just gone. And you can’t come back. And I can’t undo the regret. Or change how this ends. Because. That’s it. You’re just gone  forever. 

It makes me so sad. It’s just easier to be mad and jealous and not see all the things I’m missing now that you’re not here. The quick kisses. You just saying I love you. You complaining but secretly loving my animals. All the noises you made as you would get ready to work. Saying hi to me every morning even though it bugged me. I’m sorry. But I’d give anything to hear you say hi to me. Anything. Holding your hand. Cuddling up to you. Hugging you. Making love. I miss everything. 

So is this acceptance?? Knowing you’re gone knowing you won’t come home… of course I’m still sad. I can still see you in this bed. I’m hoping when I change it… that’ll go away. Smaller bed… 

May 11th 2 weeks

Do I celebrate? Do I pretend like this isn’t a milestone?

It’s been 2 weeks without you. 

May 10th

I was trying to take a nap. It’s 2:08 pm and I heard you. Clear as day

Jenn

May 9th

Cremation day. 

I feel calm. I’m not sure why. 

Although I am wide awake at 3 am because you aren’t here to close the windows. 

May 8th

11 days

When they talk about good days and bad days they aren’t kidding. So much of my life was amazing because of you   Knowing I had a rock standing behind me, propelling me forward gave me all the confidence. Now that confidence is gone. 

I slept through the night. I woke up briefly but my body and mind said no. Sleep. I did. 

Who’s going to text me WYA when I go shopping? 

May 7th

Sleep…

Why is it so hard to sleep? I crave sleep but can’t fall asleep. Usually by now. You’d be here beside me. Cpap on… 

Today was just a hard fucking day over all. I still can’t wash our sheets. I’ve gone through all of your clothes here but I can’t touch your shoes. 

I’m going to get a tattoo today. Your signature plus our wedding date and our coordinates… so it’s not your name which I know you were slightly opposed to but it is still. 

I miss you so much. So many times I think I have to tell Allan… and then I remember. Or I watch something and think send it to Allan… 

I really hope you are up there. Looking out for me. I mean I know you know I can take care of myself. Like I always told you. I don’t need you. I want you. That’s more important. We relied on each other but could stand on our own. 

May 6th

Today was easier. I cried a little less. I only forgot you were gone a few times and it wasn’t shocking to remember it all. 

Replaying the past 27 days is my new past time. 

I miss you so much. I’m making a quilt of your shirts. I can hear you both shocked and proud at the same time. You are my biggest cheerleader.

I know you understand why I’m doing it. But omg I’m sure you hate it at the same time. I’m using shirts you didn’t wear constantly so it’s less triggering. I still can hear your voice. 

Babe. Kitty wants out. 

Babe what’s for dinner? Want to go get something? What do YOU want? 

Honey one of the animals just barfed/pooped over here  

Hearing you walk down the hall to the bathroom. Hearing you talk on the phone or watching YouTube shorts and big bang theory all on at the same time. 

May 5th 14th dating anniversary

It’s now weird to wake up. I know you’re gone. It does not hit me like a fucking truck every time I wake up. It was getting really old. Really fast. So I’m grateful for that. 

14 years ago in the wee early morning hours you messaged me on Facebook. When I responded and we were texting, as soon as you said you were single. No kids. That was it. You were mine. 

Our love started when I was only 19 and reached into our 50s. I was so scared to fall in love with you then. Absolutely sure you couldn’t be the man I needed for jerrolyn. I wanted you to be. But you weren’t. 

Instead I walked away. You matured and craved love. Relationship. Someone that would be yours. I was that. I was always yours. Hearing how sad you were in front of your family the Christmas before we got together broke my heart but also, sealed our fate. I knew. No matter what. I was yours and you would fight for me. But you didn’t fight as hard as you should have honey. You should have put more effort into pushing past my walls. I tried to tell you how to love me. I never once resisted you physically but I needed you to reach for me. And you did. And when you did. We were amazing. In every way. In every sense. 

Was I annoyed with you a lot. Yes. I wanted you to love you and much as I did. But your self loathing made it hard to not be mad. Your self deprecating manners. 

May 4th 2023, One week that you have been gone

 It has been one week.

One week of tears, screaming, not sleeping, not eating. Wishing and begging for you to just be alive. To be okay. To wake up from this nightmare. 

Sleep being the worst because I dream of you, alive and here, waking up and you are gone. My heart breaking over and over again as I relive the past month in seconds with silent screams as the memories rush through me. My days I spend reading texts, emails, posts. Falling in love with you over and over again. 

Trying to go out in public but seeing couples, happy and smiling while my heart fills with jealousy of all the moments we won't have. The emptiness stretching out before me for eternity. 

I have my children, our lovely granddaughter Olivia standing here, taking my hands and telling me, to stay. When all I want to do is be with you. Wherever you are. 

But I know I have to make sure that everything is taken care of first. Ensuring that they have a stable future ahead of them. More than anything, I need something in the future to look forward to.

So I am clinging to the movie, What Dreams May Come. When the husband dies, his wife, lost, depressed and unable to fathom life without her family, commits suicide. She does not get to join him, she is lost in purgatory. He finds her, brings her back. I know you, I do not think you would be strong enough to bring me back, I would be lost in my own mind, never reuniting with you. 

So I will live, live in the belief that we will be reunited. Knowing you are the great love of my life spanning over 3 decades. The perfectly imperfect man for me, I the perfectly imperfect woman for you. 

May 3rd 2023

I’m taking off the days. I think it’s confusing. Because it’s only been 6 days since you passed away. But I counted the day you passed away as 1. The first day without you. 

I spent the evening with my brother and his wife. As much as I love my husbands friends and family. I need mine too. It eased a small part of the heart ache. I also got to talk more about you. Which helps too. 

I don’t want anyone to forget you. I hate that there are people out there that don’t know how wonderful and amazing you are. Like our granddaughter. She would have never known you as anything but hers. I’m sad. You didn’t get that. I know my kids love you. I know love them. But you weren’t their dad. They have one. But Olivia would only see you as one of her grandpas. That’s it. 

Sleeping. Eating. It’s slowly getting easier. 

I had a dream. You were alive. You were planning something. Going out with the guys. We were on our own vacation. It was pouring rain. They had sat us outside at a restaurant. My cat crackhead was there. We threw her in a kennel. It was Vegas. I remember I got this overwhelming feeling to tell you. Where you go I go. From now on. But even though we were in a restaurant. Now I was in the hotel room. I dialed your number on my cell phone. Then I realized. I was too late. You were gone. I woke up. My heart breaking again. I’m writing it down moments after the dream. 

That’s how my morning begins. I’m not going back to sleep. 

My vows to Allan

Allan, I first saw you when I was only 19. I still remember that moment. You stole my breath away and you still do every time I see you.

 

I was 20 when I realized I was falling in love with you and opted to run away rather than find out if you could love me too

 

I was 36 when I knew I hadn’t run fast enough, falling in love with you was never something I had decided to do, it had already happened.

 

Here I am now beside you

 

A place I never thought I could be again.

 

Promising to be with you forever because there is no where else I want to be.

 I want to marry you because I feel like I have loved you my whole life. I want to grow old with you, smile and laugh all the days of my life because I have never been happier then when I am while I am with you.

 

I know that our love for each other is the type that people search their entire lives for and many never find. Our love is a fairytale come true for me and even the best of my dreams don’t come close to my reality here today among our friends and family

 

Marrying you, is my dreams come true

 

I promise to love you and care for you. Every day I will fall in love with you a little more. I will always be honest, kind patient and forgiving while keeping a sense of humor.

 

Most of all I promise to be loyal and true to you
I love you

Day 6 May 2nd 2023

Sleep is harder tonight. It is 12:39am. I was dreaming. About you. I had dreams with you in them before but now… only you. It was just us talking. Mundane boring conversation… but I’ll miss that. Just us trying to solve everyone’s problems between the two of us. 

I wish there was a game that would just put me to sleep. Just play. Sleep. I just can’t relax enough. I sleep on my side of the bed. Never venturing to your side. 

I just dreamt that you texted me. I love you. I love my dreams… I’m so grateful for them. 

We were in a train. Weird train. After we got off the train we kept traveling someone else was there as well. 

Part of me feels bad going through all of your devices. But I mean hello… I’m your wife. I did find some old pics with some girl in 2006. Deleted those and emptied that trash. You’re mine. That’s it that’s all. The jealousy wasn’t there once we were married. Twinges now and then… but that has more to do with our collective pasts and who we were more so than who we were married. 

When we started dating, again. I remember you thinking you didn’t deserve happiness… you didn’t deserve love. Your cousin Lisa was telling me the Christmas before we started again, how sad you were. Everyone was coupling up. Marrying. Having kids. You were alone. She told me how much of a change I brought to your life… how happy you were that you had me. Your someone. I forgot about that. I remember Maria and Maricel telling me how much they hated the girl’s you brought around. How much they loved me. Loved me for you. 

I know there were times where our relationship was just… There. Together. Quiet. But still a bond. You’ve always doubted my love for you. I’ve always loved you. Since the moment you walked up to me at mayos. But it was the wrong time. The wrong circumstances and you weren’t willing to change. Not the way I completely changed my life for you the second time. 

I’d do it all over again. 

I found texts and emails about us having kids. Possibly trying.. of course I was 36. You 37. Half heartedly trying. Then you asked me a few months ago if I regret not having kids. I do. A little. But I’m glad I never had to share your attention… I mean yes. You had so many other interests but I knew I was your number one. Hearing Lei talk about you leaving the studio because I asked… smh. I always wondered why it seemed like your sessions were short. You would leave early. For me. To get dinner. To hang out. I love that you did this. Not to say when you had a vacation day and I’d call out too just to be home with you. Not doing anything. Just being here. Did you ever realize that? 

Day 5 May 1st 2023

So I guess I need to be careful when I publish anything  it’s damn near impossible to edit. 

I feel like people are starting to forget you. It’s irrational. I know. I can’t think of anything BUT you. 

I slept better last night. Actually ate yesterday. 

Usually at this time… you’d have a light on, banging around in the bathroom. I swear making as much noise as freaking possible. I’d be here… contemplating just waking up now… or staying in bed. I’m just staying in bed. Wishing you were here turning on lights… making noise. Leaving a mess in the bathroom sink. I’d never internally complain again if it meant I’d get you back. 

I can feel the third stage of grief taking off. 

But the logical, rational side… knows there is no way to undo what’s been done. The what ifs don’t matter. You were so sick. Even if you’d gone in sooner, it might not have been caught or they would have caught it but no difference made. So I know begging. Pleading. Praying. It doesn’t change the outcome now. 

I’m reading all of our old emails and texts because you my sentimental husband kept them all. I keep looking through your phone for anything from some other girl. It’s like this obsession for me. A distraction. I know I won’t find anything. We fell in love so hard and so fast it took both of our breaths away and even though we tried to slow it down… It didn’t work. 

I told you I was falling in love with you before we even went out on our date. Our date at chili’s? I remember you pressing up against me. We sat at the bar. Even in the beginning being inseparable. Then we kissed goodbye… So wrong. I was still married. But we couldn’t stop it. I left my husband within a month of you contacting me. I never looked back. But to be fair. The first time we dated you had a girl friend. Even then we couldn’t resist one another. 

I love that we were each others “craziest place you’ve had sex” story. My work. A lab of all places!!! But 30 years ago if you touched me, I basically melted. The same was true all these decades later. 

I know if you’d survived this… I would have clung to you like a monkey for the rest of our lives… 

Since you’re not here… and you’re not coming back. I need to stay healthy. Live for my kids and our granddaughter. I’m losing 70 pounds between now and you death anniversary. You’re not here to buy me all my favorite foods. You’re not here to spoil me with random dinners together. I’m cleaning out the pantry today…starting over. I’m not sure there is somewhere we go after death, but if there is you had better be there. Waiting for me. You were it for me. I’m never dating. Never getting married again. Our love is my final chapter be it however long I live. You were everything I wanted. Needed. We grew into each other. I don’t want anyone that close to me. I couldn’t survive another heartbreak like this. I don’t want to love again because I loved you so much. Even when we got boring. Routine. I freaking loved you!! 

As I donate your items. Clean up what is in the house. DREADING the storage. Which I have to go by today to pay and give them notice… so many things!!! I’m keeping some of your clothes. The ones that smell like you. I’ll pick a few of your hats to keep. Then I’ll let your boys choose one each. To keep. In your memory. I’ll make keychains for each of them with a link to your Spotify playlist. 

You should see all of the animals. Middle of the morning and they’re all piled on me. Worried because I can’t stop crying. 

I loved finding photos of you with them. They make me laugh.

 

Sage was definitely your favorite. 

Today was overall a good day. I’m getting back on anti depressants. I basically talked myself out with all the phone calls I was on today. Talking about you. Remembering you. People just listening. I didn’t talk outloud as much to you today as other days. I wasn’t listening for you. Day 5 was different… I still cry easily… My heart breaks whenever it hits me that you’re gone… But it was just a little less after I cried it out when I woke up and relived the past 3 weeks in 5 seconds. 

I miss your random kisses… hearing your million nicknames for me. Mama, boo, bae, grandma. 

My heart is doing it again… falling in love with you and breaking at the same time… I am hoping for the day that stops. It speeds up as I fall… and thumps hard as it breaks.