I saw myself with a big guy. I didn’t really know anyone shaped like Allan at the time, but I knew that this person, in my future was going to be my person. I knew when I found him I’d do anything and everything to be with them, because, that was my person.
When I finally saw Allan for the first time, 4 days after that first Facebook message, I realized it was him. He was my premonition. He was my person.
When I fell in love with him, I let myself free fall and not hold back. I did this because I knew our destiny. I hadn’t seen it but I had felt all the faith, respect, security and love I would give and receive in that premonition. It nearly dropped me to my knees.
It was right. It happened exactly how it should have and for 14 years. I felt all of those things. We had some rough patches as we navigated our personalities and Allan learned to adapt to not only being a husband but also how to be a stepdad and pet parent. All new things.
My eternity now laid out before me is me. Just me.
I know there isn’t anyone in my future. I can feel this as surely as I felt Allan and even more so how I knew he wouldn’t live past this year when I had the premonition originally in December 2022 that I would find him dead in that home office chair. I nearly did. It was really the last place where he was himself and fully coherent.
I ignore the bad premonitions because of course, they scare me. I hope by ignoring them they won’t come true.
Sometimes they hit me so strongly. Worried about everything and everyone I keep everyone home.
How could I combat such a vague premonition especially when it wasn’t completely right? He had pneumonia how the heck could he die from that? I’ve had it more times than I can remember.
Well the answer is one time. One time it can be bacterial. It can make your heart infected cause valves to stop working. Throw out blood clots, cause major organs to quit functioning.
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