May 15th, the return to work

Work… Something as simple as not only going to work but staying at work and then coming home from work can be more daunting than anyone can imagine.

I have now become a new person. There was who I was before my husband passed away.

The person I am now. Not whole. Not complete, missing a piece of my heart in the shape of my husband. 

I am lucky, everyone at my work is very kind. Almost too kind. Whispering words of condolences. Hugs. Notes. It's all so overwhelming. 

But I survived it. One day at a time.

It is hard to be that vulnerable around people, who are not MY people. Not family and also not friends. Crying as soon as you see the words “I am so sorry” forming on their lips. Trying to breath and say thank you without completely losing it and then hearing "It’s okay. It’s okay to cry, Jenn." Which makes you cry even more because you don’t want more compassion. 

I am the most stoic and composed person I know. My husband was the erratic emotional one. 

Complete opposites yet, somehow finding a middle ground and loving each other so much in our own unique ways. 

Then I had to dread the drive home. Usually walking into our home, my husband done with his work day, asking if I was going to cook or were we going to get something. Or him telling me he had plans to go to the studio, friends house or open mic and asking if we should get something now, quick before he had to go.

Always putting me and the kids first and foremost. Even if he did go out texting me before he would leave for home asking if I wanted anything, my reply always being no, thanks :)

He was my person in every sense. He truly loved me in any and every way possible, except the one way that mattered most. He did not love himself or put himself first. His biggest flaw. Our only relationship flaw. One that made me so frustrated with him, daily. He hurt me, by not loving himself. He never understood that. By loving me more than he loved himself, he deprived himself of so much.

So with that tangent done...

Live every day like it is your last. Love yourself more than anyone else.