Dec 30

I feel like my heart just has a mind of its own. I’m trying to calm down. Trying to not overthink and stress. Honestly. But my brain just doesn’t shut off. It just keeps going. 

Jay and I are doing better. I think he’s more worried about me than I’m worried about me. Which is hard to imagine but here we are. We went to one of his meetings today. My brain is so out of it that listening to their stories or share did nothing. Nothing is penetrating into my brain now. Although I think Emma said she hadn’t had dick in 3 years caught my attention 😂 girl same. It was horrible. But now I have this handsome man who put his head between my legs every morning. May not get sex daily but I can guarantee that at least at 95%  

Work. Gah that’s stressing me a bit. Not too much. It is a state job. 

Dec 26th

Today is the late lunch early dinner with his kids. I’m so grateful Jessica is going to be there as well. I’m so nervous about this entire day. I want them to at the very least tolerate me. I’d be even happier if maybe they even liked me. Jay has basically told everyone I’m autistic, I hate that it sounds like an excuse. I know there are times I absolutely hate it but I like parts about it too. 

Yesterday morning when Jay and I were talking… I nearly left. The culmination of the past few days plus all the things I was told from Alexis just compounded my feelings that I was never going to be enough for him. Not now. Not ever. I still have doubts I will be. He’s sees the world so differently than I do but to be fair I did fuck up that day in union square. I’ll take that one for sure. 

What I wasn’t expecting was everything that happened after that. Obviously I decided to stay. The thought of leaving him makes me feel so sick (aside from this constant nausea and gagging) and I let Alexis know I was staying when she went downstairs to do the gifts. 

Alexis jess and I were all downstairs and then Jay comes down. Alexis bolts back upstairs. He talks to me and Jess for a few minutes than decides to confront Alexis. Jess and I could barely hear anything but none of it was good. 

Jay comes back down looking shocked, he’s smiling which was weird to begin with. He tells us the bare minimum to keep Jessica uninvolved and then goes back upstairs. I wanted to follow him but I stayed with Jess playing uno. 

When Jess scalped the 2 gift cards off of me, she was done playing 🙄😂 so I finally went upstairs and he still looked shocked. 

All of it boils down to one thing. He promised that he and Alexis would never make up. Ever. That’s all I care about. 

Christmas eve

 I cannot stop the phrase from repeating... over and over again. 

You do not live here. I guess for me there is always going to be a phrase that just gets stuck but this one, I do not think I can get past this one regardless of what happens going forward. I cannot keep dealing with the threats of my having to move out or to go back home because he did make it clear last night that this was not my home it was his. 

What I hate the most about us... honestly... I am so in love with him. I hate it and I know I will tolerate anything and everything.

Dec 19

This period is something else. I’m bleeding so much more than I think I’ve ever… and my lower back is killing me. 

If there is one thing I love about him is that he’s as physically attracted to me as I am to him. For whatever reason this morning he couldn’t handle seeing my nipples. He kept covering me up. It was cute and enticing. Typically he doesn’t notice me adjusting my bra but today he was all over me when I did. 

He is also more than willing to wait while I get ready and put some makeup on. In fact now he insists on it. Which is new for me. Not that I mind. I’m usually trying to just get out the door much less change my appearance at all. But if he’s willing to wait then I’m always willing to do my makeup. It’s nice for him and for me to push me to do it. 

His Christmas gift came in. I love the way it looks, personalized hat. He also likes it so there’s that. 

Of course tomorrow is my crown appointment finally so I’m pretty much in a panic now and trying to keep calm. 

Dec 18

I’m sitting here. Downstairs. Eating rice bbq pork noodles and staring at a mail package full of new satin boxers for Jay. Watching him walk around in boxers I’ve picked. Ones that I choose. I don’t know why that makes me even more feral for him. There is something so intoxicating knowing while we’re out that he’s wearing those satin boxers. Sliding over his skin. Caressing him. I have NEVER been so physically attuned to someone. 

The craziest part about our relationship… the part that makes this seem so unreal is how Jay goes out of his way to please me. Finding new ways to pleasure me. He treats me like I’m an assignment he has to get perfect. The more he gets to know my body the more addicted I am to his touch. I’m on my period and I’m still fantasizing about his touch. 

Daily… I mean every day I look at him still. Amazed. I’m shocked by how much I love him. How much I’m in love with him. How easy it was to fall in love with him. By texting alone. How is this my life??? How did I end up with someone so perfect for me… in every way possible. His possessiveness drove me crazy before but now? I love it. How territorial he is. How I know at any moment of the day he’s thinking of me if I’m not there with him. I’ve never been with someone as dedicated to me as Jay has always been. Note that I’m older I can appreciate it for exactly what it is. His need to keep me safe and protected. SMH. He woke up… realized I was sitting up and was worried something was wrong and then when I reassured him I was fine proceeded to tell me if I need anything to tell him and he’ll get it 🥹 he was out. Completely asleep. No one has ever cared for me like he does. Consistently. 

Dec 16

It’s interesting how a single piece of jewelry can alter the chemistry between two people. 

It’s just a ring

But is it? A wedding ring symbolizes commitment and it’s worn on the left hand because the vein in that finger leads or comes directly from the heart. To me… it’s symbolic of jays commitment to me. Just like the cross I actually picked and purchased for him is a symbol of not only my acceptance of his beliefs (which are vastly different than mine) but that I honor his beliefs and in addition to this is an outward symbol to anyone of my love and devotion to not only him but to us. I’ve never purchase jewelry for anyone like this before but I couldn’t not buy it either. As much as I like the newer cross he purchased I wanted something closer to a style I personally prefer. 

Okay so back to his ring. It’s in a single word stunning. It’s not over the top and it’s simple yet complicated. He got my princess cut and the side baguettes and three round diamonds on each side is perfect. Past present future. Giving me that ring really did change my brain chemistry. It tied me to him in a way I didn’t think possible. I’m already completely and absolutely in love with him, my love reaching depths I never imagined possible but now… I have a physical presentation of his devotion and love for me. I can look down at any moment and remember him asking me to be his wife. Remembering the look of sincerity and happiness he had presenting me this ring he designed. It was that look of happiness… knowing how important that ring was and how much he wanted me to love the ring as much as I love him that changed my entire trajectory and that all my thoughts now are of us. Not of me. But of us. 

He keeps asking if anything changed with the ring and the truth is everything changed. He’s always had my heart my body and my soul but now my brain has shifted about 90 degrees and it’s not me against the world it’s us against the world. 

Don’t get it wrong though. Yes I have the heart beat pendent plus the two bracelets. All of which I love but I’ve never received a ring that I didn’t pick personally and never one with as much time and effort as Jay put into this one. So for those reasons this one resonates differently than any other piece I’ve ever been given. 

He and I of course are going to continue arguing over the wedding and the plans. We are both so different in some ways when it comes to what we see for this wedding. And yes I’m letting him win a few of these as much as he’s letting me win a few of mine as well. Compromise. We’re definitely getting better at it. 

Dec 15

Covid hasn’t been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think I’m almost over it. 

Thanksgiving 2023

I’ve had a lot of rough days. Today being yet another one to add to this list. I can barely remember what last year was. Olivia was a year old. Jerrolyn hosted her first thanksgiving Christmas at her house. She was so disappointed because so many family members didn’t end up going. She was so frustrated. 

We were weeks away from the Disney cruise. I was so excited for that. Allan was able to play with Olivia for a short amount of time. Emily got glitter all over the house. 

It’s just so crazy how my life has completely changed. Not only do I not recognize my life now but I never would have imagined it. It just doesn’t seem real. I always feel as if I could lose it all. 

I do wish I could have spent time with Glenn at least. But he was doing his thing and I wasn’t sure if Jay would be okay with me inviting anyone except my kids. But Glenn was cooking already. So that wasn’t possible  but maybe for Christmas? Or something around it. 

Breath. Don’t let jerrolyn get to you. I’m not going to any of her functions until we talk. I’m not going to keep acting like nothing happened, I don’t like the way she handles this every time. It just keeps happening over and over again. 

He just made a popping sound and with his mouth and the walls of my vagina responded? WTH 

November 2nd

The most unique thing about our relationship? I know with no doubt there is NOTHING he wouldn’t do for me. I’ve never felt like that with anyone. Anything I want or need him to do? He’d do it. No questions asked. To be honest I think the more challenging the demand the more he’d get off on it. 

Oct 22nd

If I had to describe us in one word. 

Inseparable. 

I don’t know why I’m so attached to him. Why I feel so incomplete without him. I can’t imagine being without him for hours let alone days. Not sure how I got to this space. Allowing myself to become so dependent on him. 

November 1st

 Wow so much to write about.

Went on the cruise, I would not say it was HORRIBLE but it wasn’t as great as the Disney cruise. It was fun.. lots and lots of sex. One bad moment when I wasn’t feeling well and he thought I was ignoring him. But I thought he was sleeping and I felt like crap. Got a bit seasick… went to Catalina island got golf carts. Loved it… went to Ensenada same thing as December. Got a starbies cup… won $600 at the casino

Disneyland Was amazing. Loved the hotel beautiful hotel.

Went straight to Disneyland after we dropped off our luggage, And got the disability pass from tomorrowland. Went on a lot of great ride, especially the new Star Wars ones. Ate lots of good food out and then went back to the hotel for more sex of course  Oddly enough, Jason’s daughter was there as well but for some reason we just couldn’t link up with her. But we did see Lisa, so that worked.

The next day we went to Disneyland, California adventures went on a bunch of rides, could not find breakfast for him to save my life. Around midday, we left, and went back to the hotel, and hung out in the hot tub loved every moment of it, and of course more sex, he passed out pretty early so I stayed up and watched the fireworks and I could see them through the window of our hotel and it was amazing. The next morning he woke up angry because I didn’t wake him up for the fireworks but I didn’t know he wanted to wake up so too bad. So sad . 

The next day we headed to Disneyland because we were leaving that day back to home and we caught quite a few rides before we had to head out to the airport. Everything was great we ate had lots of amazing things to eat, and to drink and actually the entire Disneyland trip was amazing, better than I would’ve imagined he was hardly ever grouted to your grumpy, so I definitely think we can go back to Disneyland. 

Came back to Sacramento rented a car, a mini Cooper drove back to Vallejo and that was it. That was our vacation. I loved every moment of it even if the cruise was kind of shitty but spending time with him alone focused on us was great it wasn’t quite as intense Monterey, but I don’t think it can always be like that and that’s OK 

So I signed the paperwork for Delta star interviewed for the physician and Vacaville and I am still waiting to hear back. Went to a meeting. Alexis came by and picked up her stitch gift. I think that’s it. There’s not really much else other than Jay, being so excited, I want to casino he wanted to marry me right away, but of course, that disappeared as soon as we got off the boat, which was not a surprise. But at least now when he says when we get married instead of if we get married, so that’s a big improvement. 

Oct 18th

Jessica is 21… I can’t believe it. 

So looks like I have a legit job offer in Vacaville. One I know I can handle. And I want that one. Never mind the Sam Carlos one. With the higher pay. 

Jay was sleep walking last night. I think he peed on the floor? Left the door open and was saying something about a light? He also mixed up his night with his day meds. 

We had sex today but I can tell planned sex. Doesn’t work. He wasn’t into it and neither was I. So no more of that. 

His best friends mom died. So many deaths in October. It’s overwhelming. 

Oct 16th

Chocolate. Strawberry syrup and ice. 

I love this man. He pleases me in ways I’ve never thought possible. Licking me. Touching me. He’s doing things on his own now. Exploring and trying new things. How could I not love him?

Yesterday’s surprise revelation? “I’d marry you tomorrow if it didn’t impact the social security” and if we decide we don’t care about that money. We’ll get married. 

Todays? Bring our matching hoodies on the cruise. 🥰🥰🥰 Gawd I love him so freaking much 

Story

As she approached the club, her heels clicking along the sidewalk, she admired the brick facade of the building. There was something so charming about a building that utilized bricks. The deep red color and the grey tones of the mortar setting it apart from the steel and glass buildings flanking both sides of the club. While the other buildings looked sleek and modern this had a charming inviting look to it. 

The door to the club was currently being guarded by two handsome tall bouncers holding clip boards. As she walked up they greeted her cordially and asked if she had an invitation. She pulled the black linen invitation from her handbag. It looked like it was blank but as the bouncer pulled out his black the words jumped out suddenly on the paper glowing brightly.

Her name, Selene, was engraved in the black light ink. The bouncer checked his clip board, marking off her name and opened the door for her. 

As Selene walked in she could hear the bass from a sultry seductive song being played deep in the building. She walked down a dimly lit hallway which was heavily scented by the dark red roses that were in beautiful crystal vases on tiny tables along the wall. 

She approached another set of doors that automatically swung open. As she stepped into this room… the dance floor was ahead of her with a large bar towards the back of the room, a stair case on either side of the bar. Selene walked further into the room where couples were dancing to the music as she made her way to the bar. 

“Vodka soda” she informed the female bartender who smiled and and quickly returned with her order. 

Selene took the drink and found a table and set of chairs off the dance floor. She settled into the chair taking a sip of the drink while scanning the dance floor. Not seeing anything of interest she leaned back in the chair and looked up to the second floor. The second floor appeared to be more of a balcony where patrons could watch others on the dance floor from a different point of view. As she swept eyes across those watching, he caught her attention. 

He was looking at her with such intensity… she was caught off guard and quickly looked away but not before she caught his smirk. In the dark she could barely make out what he looked like even with the DJ lights flashing and spinning around the room.  She glanced down at her drink and took anothe sip, deciding to keep her eyes on those dancing in front of her. 

A few minutes passed when the hair on her neck prickled and she heard a deep voice in her ear “I’ve never seen you here before.”  

Selene smiled but didn’t reply as the music was so loud he probably would not have heard her unless she shouted in his ear… she shook her head in agreement. She had never been to this club before. 

He pulled the chair out next to her and seated himself next to her. She didn’t look over at him. Didn’t acknowledge his presence. They sat there in silence… watching the dancers. She so badly wanted to glance his way to see what he looked like, however she knew that this would be looked at an invitation for him to talk to her more. So she continued to ignore him. 

She continued to sip on her drink until the glass was empty. He leaned over “Allow me”… 

Grabbed her empty glass and walked back to the bar. Returning quickly with a second vodka soda, placing it on the table in front of her. Selene muttered here thanks… but didn’t touch the glass. He hadn’t sat back down and was standing just out of her peripheral vision… When he spoke so close to her ear, her hair moved. “Dance with me”. 

Selene began to shake her head no, when he walked in front of her and grabbed her hand. Tugging her to an upright position. 

Reluctantly she allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. He was taller than her, which isn’t surprising. At only 5’2” seems everyone is taller. He appeared to be 5’9”. Light blue dress shirt with dark blue dress pants. He turns towards her on the dance floor pulling her towards him. His intense looks multiplied due to the lack of space between them. Her entire body is pressed against him. Feeling his body warmth… she inhales his scent. Musky… woodsy… very masculine. His hands on her waist while she placed hers on his shoulders. 

They dance to slow melodic music… Selene’s center of attention is on this man in front of her, when he presses his groin against her lower abdomen… feeling his hard impressive cock against her, heat radiate from her core while settling between her thighs, drawling heat and wetness from her center. She looks up into his intense eyes, feeling her arousal grow. 

He gently grasps her hand and leads her away from the dance floor to one of 3 hallways… The VIP section. He nods to the bouncer while tapping a key card against the security door… the doors open automatically and close behind us as we enter the hallway. 

Still holding her hand he leads her deeper into the abyss. This hallway is also painted in black… with more roses and tea light candles flickering to provide enough light to navigate safely. 

We pass by a window… the room within is bathed in red light… I can see a woman, naked with her arms tied above her while another woman dressed in latex and leather with a cat o nine tales in her hand. 

I smile at them… nothing unusual to see in this night club… It’s also considered a sex club… members only with strict rules being followed and maintained to allow for anonymity and safety. 

We approach another door and when he presses his card key against the security panel the door opens up. 

We walk in with him still holding my hand. The door closes and he turns and walks toward me pressing me against the door. 

He leans down bringing his face so close to hers she can feel and smell his breath. She inhales deeply breathing in his scent as her heart rate starts to race. He is pressed up against her knee to breasts. She can feel all the contours of his body while he looks at her. She tilts her chin up in a challenge and he leans in closer to smell her neck, her hair. Chills run up her back as she gasps from the intense reaction her body has to his closeness. 

He brings his lips to her ear and suddenly it seems as if the world completely falls away. There is only him. He kisses her neck softly and she sighs and leans into him. His hand moves up from her waist to cup her breast and she can’t help but moan. Closing her eyes letting her body relax. He takes a strap of her dress pulling it down over her shoulder, exposing her breast. While maintaining eye contact he crouches down and flicks his tongue over her nipple, she starts to close her eyes and he tells her “No. Eyes on me”. Her eyes snap open and focus on his dark eyes as his mouth closes around her nipple. She moans and arches her back but she continues the eyes contact while her hands wrap around the back of his head. His other hand pulling down the other strap exposing her other breast. His tongue flicking over her nipple and sucking and pulling as well. She can feel how wet she is getting as her scent not only fills the air but her juices start to run down her leg. His hand reaches between her thighs… feeling her wetness as he straightens up… leaning in to kiss her collarbone. His fingertip gently pulling her inner folds apart as he finds her clitoris. His fingers circling and flicking her most sensitive spot… his mouth finally finding hers. 

Story

As she approached the club, her heels clicking along the sidewalk, she admired the brick facade of the building. There was something so charming about a building that utilized bricks. The deep red color and the grey tones of the mortar setting it apart from the steel and glass buildings flanking both sides of the club. While the other buildings looked sleek and modern this had a charming inviting look to it. 

The door to the club was currently being guarded by two handsome tall bouncers holding clip boards. As she walked up they greeted her cordially and asked if she had an invitation. She pulled the black linen invitation from her handbag. It looked like it was blank but as the bouncer pulled out his black light the words jumped out suddenly on the paper glowing brightly.

Her name, Selene, was engraved in the black light ink. The bouncer checked his clip board, marking off her name and opened the door for her. 

As Selene walked in she could hear the bass from a sultry seductive song being played deep in the building. She walked down a dimly lit hallway which was heavily scented by the dark red roses that were in beautiful crystal vases on tiny tables along the wall. 

She approached another set of doors that automatically swung open. As she stepped into this room… the dance floor was ahead of her with a large bar towards the back of the room, a stair case on either side of the bar. Selene walked further into the room where couples were dancing to the music as she made her way to the bar. 

“Vodka soda” she informed the female bartender who smiled and and quickly returned with her order. 

Selene took the drink and found a table and set of chairs off the dance floor. She settled into the chair taking a sip of the drink while scanning the dance floor. Not seeing anything of interest she leaned back in the chair and looked up to the second floor. The second floor appeared to be more of a balcony where patrons could watch others on the dance floor from a different point of view. As she swept eyes across those watching, he caught her attention. 

He was looking at her with such intensity… she was caught off guard and quickly looked away but not before she caught his smirk. In the dark she could barely make out what he looked like even with the DJ lights flashing and spinning around the room.  She glanced down at her drink and took another sip, deciding to keep her eyes on those dancing in front of her. 

A few minutes passed when the hair on her neck prickled and she heard a deep voice in her ear “I’ve never seen you here before.”  

Selene smiled but didn’t reply as the music was so loud he probably would not have heard her unless she shouted in his ear… she shook her head in agreement. She had never been to this club before. 

He pulled the chair out next to her and seated himself next to her. She didn’t look over at him. Didn’t acknowledge his presence. They sat there in silence… watching the dancers. She so badly wanted to glance his way to see what he looked like, however she knew that this would be looked at as an invitation for him to talk to her more. So she continued to ignore him. 

She continued to sip on her drink until the glass was empty. He leaned over “Allow me”… 

Grabbed her empty glass and walked back to the bar. Returning quickly with a second vodka soda, placing it on the table in front of her. Selene muttered her thanks… but didn’t touch the glass. He hadn’t sat back down and was standing just out of her peripheral vision… When he spoke so close to her ear, her hair moved. “Dance with me”. 

Selene began to shake her head no, when he walked in front of her and grabbed her hand. Tugging her to an upright position. 

Reluctantly she allowed him to lead her to the dance floor. He was taller than her, which isn’t surprising. At only 5’2” seems everyone is taller. He appeared to be 5’9”. Light blue dress shirt with dark blue dress pants. He turns towards her on the dance floor pulling her towards him. His intense looks multiplied due to the lack of space between them. Her entire body is pressed against him. Feeling his body warmth… she inhales his scent. Musky… woodsy… very masculine. His hands on her waist while she placed hers on his shoulders. 

They dance to slow melodic music… Selene’s center of attention is on this man in front of her, when he presses his groin against her lower abdomen… feeling his hard impressive cock against her, heat radiate from her core while settling between her thighs, drawling heat and wetness from her center. She looks up into his intense eyes, feeling her arousal grow. 

He gently grasps her hand and leads her away from the dance floor to one of 3 hallways… The VIP section. He nods to the bouncer while tapping a key card against the security door… the doors open automatically and close behind us as we enter the hallway. 

Still holding her hand he leads her deeper into the abyss. This hallway is also painted in black… with more roses and tea light candles flickering to provide enough light to navigate safely. 

We pass by a window… the room within is bathed in red light… I can see a woman, naked with her arms tied above her while another woman dressed in latex and leather with a cat o nine tales in her hand. 

I smile at them… nothing unusual to see in this night club… It’s also considered a sex club… members only with strict rules being followed and maintained to allow for anonymity and safety. 

We approach another door and when he presses his card key against the security panel the door opens up. 

We walk in with him still holding my hand. The door closes and he turns and walks toward me pressing me against the door. 

Oct 15th

Lmao. We tried to go without sex until the cruise. We didn’t even make it 2 days. But the foreplay?? Omg. I’ve never been more turned on. 

I know at the beginning of a relationship sex is a priority. I don’t feel like that’s what it’s going on with Jay and I. I love the connection I feel to him physically when he’s deep inside of me. Yes I love the orgasms too but it’s more of being his. When he’s in me I feel as if my body is his. I know our sex is getting better. I know we want our sex to keep getting better. My body craves him in ways I’ve never imagined and he goes out of his way to fulfill me

Oct 14th

I really hate being apart from him. I miss him so much. I really feel as if I’m missing a part of me. 

Oct 12

The day Jay was released from the hospital… he made love to me so hard. It was truly the best sex. Ever. 

Since then and me opening up.  It’s not only gotten better but way more often. I got him three or four times today. He’s just so into me right now. I love it and him 

He bought me a bracelet. I was so shocked by his choice. It’s an id bracelet. I put his name. Jason. I can’t wait to wear it. 

We went to Monterey. Geez. We’ve been so busy! 17 mile drive. Whale watching. Sex. It’s been so great. 

Oct 9th

The truth is I’m just as crazy over him as he is of me. 

I hate to admit how psycho I can be. How possessive how jealous

October 7th

He was manic for all of 30 minutes and then plunged back into the depressive mode and he has a stomach ache... again. Its weird he has had it since he went out to that dinner at the chinese restaurant. It can't be that its been over a week already. He is back to rocking a lot. He had a few days without it... but he definitely is back into this mode. To be honest, I feel so overwhelmed with all of his medical issues. I am not sure how Rachel handled all of these when he was even worse. I think the hard part is that I definitely feel helpless... helpless in every possible way. So I am frustrated, I just sit here and watch him suffer. It is breaking me, my heart. I think maybe if I say this out loud to him it will help me... because this is simmering under the surface. I want to cry all the time when I see him in these modes... and I shut down because how can I cry about something he can't control! He would hate it and not like it if I said this but how do I not?

Well we are here at the ER. Grumpy is an understatement. I’m trying so hard to not take it personally but yeah… when I snap at him he’d lose it if I did this to him. “Common sense”? Boy did I want to flash back but no. Breath through it and let him be an asshole

He’s being admitted. Pancreatitis. Christ. Explains why he’s been such an asshole lately. He was trying to leave when I finally came into the room. Looking for a nurse and trying to get dressed. I honestly think I knew when he’d reached his limit. But the good news is… he was sweet to me and even said he wasn’t mad at me. But then the doctor trying to convince him to stay explained what was wrong with him and he is staying. Omg. I just about fainted. I’ve been tearing up off and on. But this isn’t serious and he’s staying. I’m sure it’ll clear up quickly. He’s only been in pain a week. But it was definitely getting worse. They did sedate his ass. 😂😂😂 he was super grouchy from not being able to vape but thank the gods he’s in a better mood and they got him some patches. 

When they asked who I was I said and he laughed and said I need to get you a ring huh? Yes. Please. :) so that made me happy overall but I’m sure he’ll forget that. But I’m his. He’s mine. And I’m so glad his ahitty attitude was due to pain and that’s getting resolved. I need him. God I need him more than I’ll ever admit. I can’t live without him. 

September 24th

So I mentioned to Jay about Ria asking if he was being physical with me. I honestly did not want to mention it but it was eating me up on the inside. Seriously… It was consuming so much of my thought processes. Why would she even say that? I have never one said anything about  Jay even remotely hurting me. Sure he and I get heated… for sure. Am.I used to that? No… Hell Allan could yell for hours and we all learned to just ignore him. If Allan was anything he was way into over acting, that’s why at the end I ignored him completely. I was so used to everything being a big fuuking deal with Allan that it got to the point where NOTHING was a big deal anymore. Which sucks… 

Kris R texted me… made me start bawling. Someone I barely know and I replaced him at work and he cares about me more than people I have known over a decade. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Makes me just want to let go of all the people I knew before through Allan. The truth is they only cared about me because of him, without him, I am persona non grata. Which is fine, I guess. It makes me sad… I can’t pretend it does not. But its not like I did not know this was going to happen. To be fair sometimes I could barely stand some of them anyways. New friends… Ugh… Do I even want to bother? How am I going to find people like me here in Vallejo? Loves to read… loves TikTok’s. Widowed mother? Yeah right…. Maybe just mother of adult kids and skip the widowed part. 

September 25th

 I know something is going on with him... I get the depressive mode of his bipolar... then a call from his in laws. Not that I mind... hell if Allan's mom was alive I would jump anytime. Not going to pretend I do not miss Allan's mom. I swear my life would be so different if she were here. I know I would not have had to reach out to Jay at all, that's scary to consider. 

Oct 6th

 Finally friday :) Alexis... my heart breaks for her. Part of me finally is connecting with her and I am so grateful for that not the circumstances... gah... not that. No one should have to deal with what she is dealing with. Jay is so wonderful with her... she doesn't feel like a little sister but more of a surrogate daughter. I really hope she does not go back to this guy. I just know the stats... and they are not good. 

So I do not mind sharing Jay for the next 2 weeks... I am so proud of him. We will help her as much as we can and even against Jay's wishes if we can sneak into the house to get her things... I am worried he will destroy her stuff and hurt her puppy. I know, I am self projecting but I can't help it. I am glad he got some real sleep today... less wrinkles in his forehead and that vein in his forehead is non existent. 

Oct 5th

His vein in his forehead is prominent again. He said his head hurts. Headache?? His bipolar??? I just don’t know  but it’s worrying me. I’m glad I’m back home. With him. Coming home to him and his grumpy sleepy ass is always worth it. By mid day he was yanking my shorts off and making me cum. I’m so grateful how much he loves to do that and how good he’s gotten at it. But he’s so stressed. I know it’s this job. Learning new things being responsible and he’s taking it so hard when I don’t expect anyone would think he would know it all in his first fucking week. 

Randomly he asked me about diamonds again last night. Not sure what random thought popped in his head. 

Okay so oddly enough that awesome job??? I think I did okay? LIKE WHAT? There were a few moments when I thought nope... but now I am not sure... I think its 50/50?

I have been quiet all day today... I am not sure why.. I think I was nervous about the interview. Its insane amount of money! Not only that but I will be happy doing this

Oct 4th

Rachel’s 2 year anniversary. He’s struggling. Not a lot. Not quite enough for me to be concerned with but I see it. I’m glad he has a lunch planned with his friends. I’m also relieved I won’t be there. It feels awkward sometimes with him and Charles. Just sitting there. I can only imagine their conversations when I’m not there. Soooo yeah. Let him do his thing. I’m sitting here watching him sleep. Mouth open and nose hairs everywhere and all I can think is god he’s just so good looking and he’s mine. How did I get so lucky? 

I also want him to fuck me but … oh well I can survive until tomorrow. Or Friday  or Saturday. We had really amazing sex yesterday. I love when he’s on top but I also love being on top too. My muscles are finally getting used to all our positions  

October 3rd

So one work night down and he is on to his second. I know he is exhausted but I am so proud of him. I am not even sure I have a right to be but I am so happy to be a part of this life. Seeing him grow into this capable person. I know that for so long he was not which seems so hard for me to imagine but I see those glimpses of when he is struggling… When he is rocking and swaying and closing his eyes. In his own world but I see that becoming less and less as his start date got closer. I got the key to the house today… So weird. 5 months and I am officially as can be, living with Jay. Not just Jay but yes, Jay Martinez. I can’t help but think of him in that way still. I still cannot believe this is my life. I am with the one person in my entire life that I have always wanted… always needed. Holy shit he wants me too.

He is so adamant about us being equals even though I can legitimately make 3 times what he is. I think that is so sweet of him… I want to help him a lot more than that until we combine our finances and then it just won’t matter.

For him… eh… he just goes with it, meanwhile I look at him in complete and utter disbelief that this is my life. That he is my life. He is everything I have ever wanted…. I do not get to live my dream life. My life is always lacking and somehow goes to utter shit. I am actually waiting for when it does… how fucked up is that?

I am expecting at any moment that this will all fall apart, helllooooo overthinking! But I have been able to push that away. Like really push it away lately… he spent a lot of time convincing me we were okay. He spent time today telling me that I’m doing better talking to him and he’s going to try harder with touching me. God. He touches me and my entire consciousness centers on wherever that is at any given moment. I didn’t realize how desperately I need touch. I had an idea. I think mostly because of how quickly when a relationship sours… I’m backing so far away physically we may as well be in different rooms. Especially with Ed. Forcing my body not to respond to him. That I remember distinctly still. I’m getting rid of the toy. I think it’s fucking me up somehow. I don’t want that to be a hindrance

Oct 2nd

 Well today is the day... he starts work. He is nervous and working through it. I can't imagine what this is like for him. I know he is going to be great at it. He is so good with people and helping people. I am even envious of that skill but at the same time, I know my acumen for technology is something that I prefer and I really do not want to work with people. I like just being me... doing what I want when I want. I am not sure why he is going down on me so much lately... as if I would complain! I love it and his mouth on me... I am trying my best to distract him as much as possible, not sure if I am even doing anything at all. 2 more hours before he leaves... handed me a huge stack of bills which one I did not bother counting and two he gave to me for a massage and chipotle??? Way more than I need and I appreciate it. I think I would rather chipotle and target though. Pick up a few things and snacks to entertain me while he is gone. I will go home on Wednesday... plan Disney now WITHOUT jessica. Am I complaining? NOPE

OMG I got the damn interview... I made it to Chipotle... even Target :) All by myself. I feel like I at least accomplished something don't get me wrong, I love being with Jay but I do still love my independence too. Maria texted me... wanting to go out to dinner again with Chelle and Tuyen. I would actually like that. Not sure how that will work if I am working in Benecia... OMG I cannot believe I am interviewing! I want that job. I want to be here... I WANT TO BE WORKING HERE... I will figure out the cost and all that crap later. I will be here... I will be with him every day.

Oct 1

He wants to come home from work and I will be here... I think that is the sweetest thing I have ever heard from him. I cannot believe it is already October... How did time move so fast and yet so slow at the same time? We talked a lot last night and I let myself open up more... its still not easy for me. But I am trying as much as I can. He did mention that I jump a lot less at night and I am more relaxed. He is laying next to me sleeping... jerk... lol... we just had sex and I am so awake now... No way am I taking a nap. I am amazed how much better its getting between us. How is that even possible? I love every way that he touches me. Actually I am kind of amazed at how I react to him. We are definitely getting better at this. Today has been great.  

Sept 30th

Why? 

Why does the state of our relationship rely so heavily on his physical touch? I hate how much I need him. I actually have it. It makes me feel so… slutty? This morning to distract him from his anxiety and everything I gave him head. I loved doing that of course it was after he went down on me and I sat on top of him kissing him and grinding down on top of him. 

Then this afternoon he went down on me again, then used his hands on me and god he got hard. So hard. I had to get on top. And why?!?! Why am I suddenly all connected to him again? What the fuck is wrong with me. We can’t be all physical? It’s disgusting that I’m like this. How much I need his physical touch and his dick inside of me. We have sex constantly but go without a day or two and I’m feeling like we are done. Fuck like rabbits and I’m back at it. 

We went to a meeting today  met another friend of his. Said Jay has been telling him all about how I’m a good girl. My fucking insides melted. Then he said he wanted an invite to the wedding. What is Jay telling people? I’m praying it’s just because we are new and I have old insecurities. I can’t just keep fucking him to fall in love with him. We have to be more than that. 

Sept 29th

His death anniversary came and went. 5 months now. I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. It’s hard to remember life with him. 14 years. Is that just how my brain copes ??

I’m glad I’ve been able to pull back on Jay. The whole gripping on too tightly? Fine. I’ll let go with both hands then I’m not with you. I can and will do my own things. I’m more independent then he realizes. 

I can’t believe I’m sitting here and wishing I was home. He’s sick. Not feeling well and I want to be here for him in some capacity but I’m also just not feeling this anymore. I can’t believe this happened but I think when he told me I was being too clingy… so I pulled back and now I’m completely disengaged. He’s so sick he doesn’t even realize it yet. He has all of his friends. I’ll stick this out and get him through this month but I’m really going to need to deep dive into this in November and if it’s done let him go. He hasn’t touched me once. Which means I’m not talking. You give me what I ask. I give you what you need. 

September 26th

I’m so relieved I’m finally getting interviewed. I was really starting to stress. 

I’m in Sacramento right now. I think we needed a break from each other but then find out his bipolar kicked in and he’s just been at home all day🙄. I swear to god he does better when he needs to take care of me. Is that weird??? It’s like he can set aside his stuff for me. He’s always so focused on me and my crazy

September 23rd

 He is going through so much that I am not sure I am even helping him anymore, I definitely feel as if I am holding him back at times. I know he will say I am being ridiculous and want to know why I feel like that. I guess mostly because my asthma keeps me from doing things... this smoke is killing me. I also can't keep taking the asthma meds... I have never had such bad panic attacks in a long time... I wonder if all of them were related to the damn meds... or maybe just a combination of things for once. 

I am glad to be going home for a few days though... I think he needs his own space right now too. Even if he said he was going crazy without me I think we both still need our separate spaces at times, we are only just rolling into 4 months now. For some reason I am in a different headspace and I can stop holding on to him so tight and do my own thing at home. I have enough to do there to keep me busy for weeks at a time. I think I need to chill on these books, they are making freak out over Jay and for what? Christ he would not do any of that stuff. 

What do I know? I know this intense man loves me more than I ever imagined possible. I love his intensity even though sometimes it does terrify me not in like he is violent but just how intent he is on me. On us. I have never had someone like this. I honestly think my freak out was over what he said that night in SF and he has already apologized for that, we were both in a bad spot and we both said things we did not mean. I also came crawling back to him with my tail between my legs. It was for the better, I need to learn how to swallow my damn pride for him and admit how much I not only need him but I love him and I am willing to be different. I have never done anything like that before. I have never driven in the middle of the night begging to be let back in someone's life. I did come back like a damn boomerang... we were both wrong and it was okay that I was the one that gave in first. I can be the one to give into him and be the guppy and beg for him. I have never begged for someone before. For Jay, I will learn to be this person. Learn to be vulnerable and ask for forgiveness and for his love. I can also be strong at the same time... but yeah this particular book is really fucking me up for someone reason. I am done with it. I think it is just too triggering.

Jay did tell me something off putting last night but said he also believed me. To not accuse someone of rape unless I meant it... Oh and I meant it with Gonzo. And Florencio definitely forced himself on me. He did not rape me but if he thought he could get away with it, he would have. The stuff he said about Randy too... geez. I never knew how serious all of that was. Of course Allan and Zsa pretended like the charges did not happen. Sorry folks I cannot just forget them as if it was a weird fever dream. Allan's family is just too toxic for me to deal with. I guess the truth is that at this point I am just over it and them, I mean there is only his siblings left and its only a matter of time before those relationships self implode anyways and I do not want to be taken down with them. I really need to reconsider all of my friendships and as much as I love Maria, her drinking is really becoming a problem for me. I cannot be around anyone like that. it reminds me too much of my mom and HELLO she has an autistic son who needs her and here she is getting drunk all the time and passing out??? 

Sept 18th

 I guess we just flash hot... and then figure it out. 

He said he was going crazy without me. I was going crazy without him. I cannot believe how much we need each other.

Happy birthday Allan

I’m sitting here in the parking lot at Kaiser charging my car because why wouldn’t I multitask something like this? Being at the last place I talked to you is surreal. Not in the sense like wow I can’t believe I’m here but in the way that this is pretty much where our lives together ended. I wish I had known how dire your illness was. I wish I could say I would have done things differently but that’s not true. In fact even if I had this to do all over again I don’t know that anything would be different. I was so frustrated with you. Calling zsa and asking her to help me help you I think was the final straw. Where I fucked up is I didn’t really force you to go to the ER. I should have. That was mistake number one. 

Mistake #2 was not forcing you to make an appointment with you doctor. But it really sounded like a cold/flu. You even tested for Covid and that was negative. 

Mistake #3 was watching you on the cameras. Seeing how sick and barely responsive you were. Not seeing that you really needed to go the doctors and stat. Nope. What did I do? Nothing. Knowing you couldn’t even sleep laying down anymore. Again. Thinking it was just a cold/flu. 

Mistake #4 when I finally called 911 thinking it was pneumonia and thinking the leg numbness was just you overreacting like usual. Once you’re in that room… I dunno. I just didn’t think it was so serious and I kept telling you, you would be fine. I stayed until I made sure you were settled in. I went home. Showered took a short nap and Jessica and I went back. I made sure that you had something to eat and when you asked if I was coming back that night. I said no.

Mistake #5 I went to work the next day and by the time I got to the hospital you were intubated. I should have been there. I wasn’t. 

I knew. I knew you weren’t going to recover. You could barely handle a paper cut but all this??? You were physically weak and not in good health anyways. So for several days… they did look for surgeons to operate on your heart but your weight 426 pounds? Operating tables can’t manage that weight. 

5 things that I did. 5 things I can’t take back. 5 things I can’t change. 5 things that may not have caused your death but definitely didn’t help. Could you have done things differently? Yes. You knew how bad it was. You said you knew you were going to die. I didn’t hear you say that. Jessica did. And I had no idea… you could make an appointment. You worked from home. You had time. Hell you even took time off to be sick. 

Your birthday came… and it went. I spent it with Jay. He helped me stay distracted… I couldn’t really harp or think about any of it. Like he says I’m hiding behind him  but I’m really not. Not all the time. Just on the big days. To get me through. So things don’t get super dark. 

They celebrated you and your birthday. I’m sorry I couldn’t go. You of all people know how your sister is. We’d gotten into enough arguements I could not do anymore of it. She is headstrong and I wanted her to do things her own way. That’s okay. I don’t mind her doing things her way. She is your sister. I was your wife. But now I’m just your widow and in a new relationship. 

Did you send him to me? Or send me to him? The turmoil we are going through right now… I know it’s going to take work. I didn’t think it’d be a cake walk. It never has been with Jay but I also know I need to start standing up for myself too. He definitely is worth it to me. I do hope both of us taking a short break… will help us build back to something stronger. Or it’ll prove that this isn’t going to work. I’m not sure. I love him so much and I want to start bawling but it’s not worth it because it won’t change anything. I know how much he hates me crying. I can cry over you but not him. 

I knew I’d have to do this eventually. One day. Sit here and write out all the things I’d do differently. But I also know that you could have done something too. This isn’t all on me. I tried. I know I tried. I didn’t want you to die. I may have just been… living and not thriving but I did not want you to die. I don’t think I ever would have left you… it would have devastated you. Not that I did not consider it. I did. A lot. But I couldn’t do it. You loved me unconditionally and even though I loved you… I was not in love with you at the end. I could barely stand to be near you. Hearing you call me by my full name I think you too were seeing that we were just coexisting. I’m sorry you’re not here for your birthday. I hope the memorial was everything you thought it would be. I can do small things to remember you but these big events, they just aren’t my thing. They never were. 

I really hope you sent me to Jay. I know I need him and I need to figure out my side of things. I know he loves me. I know we’re not done but we have to talk this out. Maybe at a park. Somewhere neutral. Not at his house. Not in private. 

It’s weird. Is Kaiser the place where I talk to you? You were my best friend. Until you weren’t. I know I resented you so much at the end. I’m sorry for that. I can’t change anything. But I think I’m ready to accept your sudden dying. I can definitely feel a shift in me. I think I needed to get past the memorial. Letting some of your family go. They can’t and won’t accept that I’ve 

moved on… 

You lived a wonderful life. Truly. You were surrounded by family and friends. They all love you so much and miss you. I still miss you in my own ways. I try to remember what our lives were like before our marriage soured. We had good times. Not all of it was bad. I’m sure you’re happy to be with your mom and step dad. Sorry. In my head he’s just not your dad. Maybe I did push the grief away. But even though I wish things had played our differently I’m not going to let the guilt get to me anymore. I’ll still be sad when I hear others stories, it’ll remind me of your story and your sad ending. You shouldn’t have died so young but you did. I can’t change it. I think it’s okay to wish it had played our differently but I’m ready to accept this is where our story ends and my story with Jay begins. The memorial is over, it’s time to focus on Jay. Making this work. Because I know when we are amazing we are. It’s navigating all the rough patches. So here I am… being pyscho in Vallejo. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like I’ve lost my mind to be honest. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m going to feel really stupid when he ignores me but I’m going to put every effort into this and him. 

Sept 17th

Where do we go from here?

We are so volatile at times. He says something. I say something… and it all goes to shit. 

He digs deep and he doesn’t like my answers. Then he accuses me of throwing things back in his face but he asked. He wanted to know why. I tell him why and he gets angry. I shut down. I don’t want to open up and then he gets mad. So I shut down more and further. 

Today was just another example of that. He doesn’t even see it. Because he sees it as an attack. I was asking for him to kiss my ass? I was throwing it in his face? But he wanted to know why. Why I got to the conclusion I had overstayed my welcome. I tell him and he loses it and tells me to leave. He will call me in a few days? So I texted him. Pointed out and nothing. No response. Not a damn thing. 

Sept 12

I hate being apart from Jay but I also know that does build up our relationship. For now at least. 3 months. That’s it. It feels like so much longer. 

Tomorrow… I don’t want to be here tomorrow. I don’t want to be anywhere. Friday will be even worse. 

Sept 11

Needy. I’m just so freaking needy when it comes to him. If he can’t provide my love language. I can’t provide his. What is wrong with me. We’ve had amazing sex twice. Just thinking about him inside of me gets me excited. All it took? Him kissing me. My entire body woke all the way up. 

Sept 6th

Hello insomnia. Fuck. This isn’t going to work if I only sleep when I’m with him. I’ll be exhausted. 

Funny. I’ve been here before. It’s always something I did… I’m the reason why guys are interested in me. Okay he was right. I was wrong. When was I supposed to exactly mention jay? Oh when he said morning as he walked by my cubicle to his?  Or while he walked me what 30 seconds down a hallway and was asking me about how it was going at work? 

I give up. I give in. I’m done. The easiest way for this to stop is to gain the weight and wear the clothes he hates

September 5th

Ugh the amount of anxiety I have is insane. But it’s a new job. And I have no idea if jerrolyn is even going to talk to me. 

Yesterday was nice  went to see jays aunt. I like her. Genuinely. She may make Jay crazy but I don’t mind her at all. Even though he keeps saying it’s because I wasn’t raised with her. I think and know I just have a higher tolerance for people than he does. I mean he gets so tired of Alexis too. I do too but for different reasons. She keep can keep mentioning and talking about Rachel all she wants. I actually don’t mind. Jay is mine. 100% so his past doesn’t affect me. I know with no doubt that I’m everything to him and that he loves me more than he’s loved anyone before.  So yeah. It doesn’t bother me at all. I’m his and I know he’s mine. That I can feel with every ounce of my body. I love him so freaking much. It’s insane. I’ve never loved or wanted someone like this in my life and nothing will get between he and I  

September 4th

Finally went through a “bad day” with Jay. Bad yes. Horrible? Hardly. He handles his mental health issues better than me. Hell even the day I went to go get waxed I spiraled but oddly enough Jay called me and pulled me right out of that darkness. It got really dark for a moment but was gone when inheard his voice. No one has been able to push me that quickly from the darkness before. 

I think it has more to do with the depth of my love for him as opposed to it just being Jay and his voice. I’ve never never loved anyone like this. It’s amazing how hard and fast I fell for him again. I know I loved him before but I was also terrified. I was so young and been hurt so much that I couldn’t fully understand what I felt for Jay then or how much my feeling for him would change me, completely. 

August 23rd

I knew someday that my insecurities would finally shine through. And yesterday was that day. As important as it was for Lisa and Patrick to meet, Jay didn’t go anywhere close to what I had hoped it would’ve gone. But I guess I know he, Jay, loves me, and that no matter what I need to have more faith in him and an S. it’s so much easier to say that to type that to read that to hear that, but to believe that, I’m having such a hard time sometimes. I know a lot of that comes from Ed. Ed would tell me over and over and over and over again how horrible of a person that only I was but every past relationship that I’ve ever had. I also believe that I wasn’t worth loving. And even though I thought I had gotten past all of that with my relationship with allan, that I finally healed from that, I obviously have not. I guess the biggest problem is that I feel like allan abandoned me, and that’s not fair to him because he died, it’s not like he left. So all those insecurities of my mom leaving Cosmos and I failing at allan and how I couldn’t help him or save him or even fix him, or shining through again. And there’s no easy fix for this, I know this, I’ve tried. I know I have to try harder and I’m not sure how my supposed to try harder. Or what mine said I have to have to believe the things that Jaye tells me the things that I know the things that I feel and the things that I see from him. I know he loves it. I know he wants me. I know he needs me. And the reason why I know those things is because I love need and want him just as much if not more. I am the one coming into this relationship more broken than he is. He’s done all the work he’s fixed himself. He’s on a good track. And I’m coming in broken, insecure, and so insured every aspect of my life and I’m dragging that down with him. That’s not fair it’s not fair to mean it’s not fair to us. It’s sometimes I feel like I’ve already failed him before we even really started. and the truth is I can’t lose him. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t imagine losing just as much as he can’t imagine life without me. And I know when he talks to me it’s just a discussion that part of my brain goes into that flight mode and I feel like, I need to flee and I need to go somewhere and I need to be alone and I need to be away from him because I don’t want him to hurt me and I’m so scared because I haven’t loved anyone like Jay since Jay. As much as I love Jay before I never open myself at this party anymore because I’ve always been scared because I’ve always been worried about being left and being alone and not being loved enough. so instead of sitting in my car crying because I can’t cry in front of Jay because I know it upsets him but the truth is I’m so terrified of all these feelings and his connection that I have with him that I’ve never had with anyone else, and I can’t imagine my life without him. so what do I do? I imagine what my life would be like without him as soon as there’s any conflict and it’s horrible and I don’t know how to fix that part I don’t know how to make myself feel secure and safe and loved and not feel like he’s going to leave me in a moments notice for dumbest things in reality nobody would leave me for not even Jay. so instead I have these major freak outs in my own brain. All of it is internal nothing is external and I can’t even tell him what I’m thinking or feeling at the time is all I know is I just I’m waiting for that shoe to drop I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out and waiting for all of this to just suddenly turn from this perfect dream to a nightmare. Unless I dreamt about Jay and I’ve jumped about him before but this time it was so different and my dad was there and my dad knew Jay and my brothers were there and this is when you know we were 21 and this is it now and seeing him and being with him then with my dad‘s knowledge, somehow he did make me feel a little bit better. This feeling make me feel a little bit more secure in us. And I don’t know why I don’t know why my dad is so important to our relationship. and my heart breaks every time and I just don’t know how to fix it. I know it takes time I know it takes more therapy I know it takes for trust sessions. I know it takes more just everything I need everything and I feel like I’m demanding

August 16th

I’m not sure when I became so physically dependent on Jason but the only time I sleep well is when I’m sleeping next to him. Not only sleeping next to him but touching him in some way. Even if it’s just back to back. Knowing he’s next to me. Feeling him. I feel safe and protected. So I dread nights now when I’m without him. Like tonight. But then I’ll be with him until next Wednesday. So almost a full week starting Thursday. 

So it’s tonight… I’m at my house, I can’t even say I’m home anymore. I miss him… seriously. Sleeping next to him… I’ve never felt more safe. Now I just feel alone, unprotected. But next to him? I sleep so easily. I’m not sure I can do this until next April… or May. I want to be with him now. It’s only been 2 months… Yes I’m being impatient and I’m over there all the time anyways. Fuck its hot. 

August 15th

I just can’t sleep without him. It’s impossible. 330 I’m wide awake. I should just start

August 14th

We finally rehashed that night from his point of view. The only person I’ve ever been in love with and of course Ed ruined it. I’m not going to rehash it again. I’m letting it go because I can’t undo what’s been done. 

I know this time Jay isn’t going to listen to anyone else but me. Sometimes I do want to just let Jay do whatever he wants to Ed. But if I lost Jay in any way, I’d be devastated and the truth is this time, I won’t survive. I won’t want to. No one would be worth living for if not for him. That does actually scare me because I could barely tolerate Allan and I sure as hell fell out of love with him at least 7 or 8 years ago and I nearly died when I lost him. 

I’ve never fallen out of being in love with Jay. Sure. People say you are in love with the person they were when you were with them. Okay fine. I love the person he is now a thousand times more than I did when I was 21. I loved Jay when we fought. I loved Jay when we argued. I loved Jay when we could barely look at each other without wanting to tear each other apart. I loved him for his gentle side when we were alone. I loved him for his protective and jealous nature. I loved him for wanting to give me everything I could want or need. I loved him for his advice. I loved him not knowing half of our problems were because he had so many other problems in his life. I loved him despite all of that because deep down when it was quiet and we were alone, that was when I loved him the most. That is the love that has been there for him. All this time. 

Now? I still love him for those quiet private moments. That hasn’t changed and in fact it’s even better now. I love him for the sweetest things and tiniest things he does for me. The forehead kisses, bringing me my favorite Starbucks drinks in the morning. Waking me up in the best way possible. For making sure my needs are always met and always making sure I’m happy. For listening and sometimes even advising me when I know he is trying to not overstep but wanting him to overstep anyways. For letting me know he loves me, needs me, wants me, appreciates me and misses me. For surprising me with visits in sac. For bringing and buying me roses. For making sure we eat my favorite foods. For introducing me to his family and friends. For opening doors. For helping me get up when I’m sitting down. For leading me down the stairs.  For playing video games with me and not being a sore loser when I beat him down in air hockey but turning around and bragging about it instead. For learning what I like. What I love. For taking care of Jessica. For even caring about Jessica. For liking my herd of animals. 

Jay is the reason I’m alive. He’s the person who brings the calm to my internal storms. Jay is the last person on my mind as I fall asleep and the first thought is of him when I wake up. I know Jay will be there for me when no one else is. He will never give up on me because I could never give up on him. On even my darkest day he pulls me from the dark and holds me until I can see the light again. When I want to pull back he grabs onto me with both hands and won’t let go. If I start to fall apart… He patiently waits as all of my emotions are completely spent… he loves me back to being whole again. I trust him in every way that’s possible, my heart, my soul, my life, my children. 

I wake up with hope now and look forward to the moment I’m back in his arms or if I’m already there with him for his good morning kisses because I know how much he loves me. I never have to wonder. I never have to doubt. Jay is the reason I feel safe again. He’s the reason I feel protected. I know I can tell him anything. I’m not worried about his judgement or condemnation. He’s my future. Jay is the one person I can and would do anything for, the one person besides my kids… I’d die for to protect him and I know he would do anything for me. He’s the one. 

I know we both wish our past was different. He regrets not meeting my dad. Somehow I managed to not starting crying but I did fall for him a little more when he said it. 

August 11

Don’t bother getting dressed. 

Every once in a while… He really surprises me. I was in the shower when he peaked in and said that. Turned my insides into melted chocolate. I love the way my body responds to him. Of course… he made it worth while. 

2 months. It’s all finally sinking in. I’m comfortable and secure in the knowledge he’s mine. I’m his. I know there is absolutely very little he won’t do for me or to me. I get that he’s going to be here for me in every way possible… while making sure he keeps me happy

August 10

2am. I can’t sleep. Again. I have Sage curled up against my back. Ginger and crackhead on my legs. Yet sleeping??? I’m wide awake. I only sleep well with Jay. That’s my reality. I’m happiest and content only when I’m with him. I love and need him. When I’m with him I’m relaxed and safe. Without him I’m tense and feel exposed. 

August 9th

It’s Wednesday morning. I’m laying next to Jay. In his bed. Curled up next to him. His hand resting on my ass. 

How did I get here??? Well he decided to surprise me at my house… Red roses in hand. Took me to drop off that phone… lunch at el novillero and went to visit his aunt Jessica. 

Back to my house. Watched tv. I fell asleep. Finally. Woke up to an asthma attack 🙈. 

I had been smelling the smoke a few days but it finally got to me. Or has been for a few days. 

He brought me home. Bought me dinner and fucked me so good my body is still responding, the next morning. 

I’ve never felt more wanted, desired and loved than this moment. When he said he’d been thinking about me all day, it made my entire body so turned on. Every part of me screaming for his touch. Those light tugs on my hair turning my insides into melted pools of desire. I’ve never been more turned on by someone in my life. 

When he’s inside of me… it’s truly the most intense. My body so focused on more. More of him. More of us. 

Giving myself to him completely and the fact is. I’m his. Completely. There isn’t one part of me being withheld from him. There’s no worry. There’s no concern. There are no fears. There are no doubts.  I’m jumping right into this fire. 

As much as I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out, that feeling is going away. I’m so sure about him. I’m so sure about us. I’m so sure that I’m with the person I was always supposed to be with that all of that time I was holding back… I’m just not anymore. 

Zumba! Pakko 🥰 I’ve missed him so much. He was my best friend for so long… and then… I just got so discouraged and depressed. 

Seeing him really made my day. Of course spending the day with Jay was even better but I know I need other outlets too. Pakko has always made me laugh and cheered me up. He also kicked my ass in class today!!! He played one song I knew and everything else was new. Thank the gods no samba but lots of salsa and bachata. I’m so grateful to see some regulars from before too. Today was perfect. Waking up next to Jay. Zumba with friends. I miss Jay right now sooooo much. I can’t believe I’m sleeping without him but I’m going back to him tomorrow. 

August 7th

 I quit

Not only did I quit but I relieved myself of so much stress and turmoil.

I have come to so many decisions in the past few days... decisions that make me not only feel better about myself but are propelling me to a less stressful life/outlook. 

"I would chose the villain over the hero any day. The hero will sacrifice his love for you for the greater good, the villain will burn the world down to protect what is his."

I have never read a more accurate description of why I chose Jay over everyone else and I always have, because I know he would chose me over everyone and everything else. There is something in being loved by someone who does not care about what anyone else thinks or cares about. I have ALWAYS known Jay would do anything to protect me, when I have never felt like that with anyone else. Errol intentionally went out of his way to hurt me, physically and mentally. Ed would do whatever his mom wanted and nothing beyond this. The ultimate mama's boy and Allan? People pleaser. If they did not like me, I was always at risk of losing him. 

I chose Jay above everything and everyone else, besides Jessica, but thank the gods she loves him too. 

This weekend was... amazing and sad. I know Jay was not always feeling 100% but he powered through it... I keep an eye on him though and do not push. 

Marley... that sweet little girl passed away this weekend. I am going to miss her sneaking up on the bed to find a spot next to me and resting her head on me to let me know she was there to comfort me. I also miss her being my excuse as to why I take up 75% of the bed. I barely knew her and it broke my heart to walk in his room and it felt... empty. 

I did my best to distract Jay. We went to that place in Suisun and wow, everything was so good there. I think it is one of my favorite places to eat now. I also love that it is a place I know that he has not been with anyone else. It is ours. After that we went to Scandia where I completely annihilated him in Galaga, he never had a chance :) and I was taking it easy on him too! Then we played Fast and Furious and it was pretty even and of course my competitive side came through... it was so much fun. I could not stop smiling. He was not a sore loser and neither was I. I liked that we could laugh through our losses and we found something we both LIKE doing that is inside and a game. 

He pointed out how much I like playing games... a big kid. He is not wrong, I love playing games. I like being competitive... knowing we can play and even if one of us loses we are good sport about it. I did not realized how important that is to me... almost as important as how someone treats wait staff, waitresses and waiters... He treats them with so much kindness, and he knows all of their names... I am not quite that friendly but I love that he is. He always has been, he's better at networking and socializing. Not that I am horrible at it but he is much more skilled at it than I am. Again, finding balance in our strengths and weaknesses. 

Saturday we did not do much of anything, just hung out at his place and I was content with that. 

Sunday... I can't even go into much of the phone call I got, except to say, I hope everything Charlie dreamt comes true and if it did nothing else, what that call did do was solidified that I am exactly where I am supposed to and with the person I am supposed to be with. Jay was sweet enough to buy the wallet and 2 pairs of jeans I needed... I was barely able to function and did not realize it or even fight him on it, which I am sure he was relieved about. I still do not feel like I thanked him properly but I appreciate how sweet it was that he did buy those things for me.  

August 3rd

 "If they can't be there for your worst days... they don't deserve to be there on your best days."

I never really thought about how I keep people in my life who do not contribute anything to it other than drama and turmoil. I guess because Allan was such a social person he wanted ALL of the friends he could get and so they became my people too. I never cared about having a large group of friends and to be honest, I am looking forward to purging all of them with a few exceptions. His cousin Shelley is the ONLY one who noticed I turned off my socials and she texted me in her normal fashion at 2am to make sure I was okay. I know she and Allan did not get along well, but I am keeping her. Not even my own family noticed that I turned off everything... 

I am looking forward to deleting people from my phone and social media and going back to blocking Jaye and Chris Marzan. The truth is... I would rather start over with new friends and connections who did not know Allan because I hate when people look at me and they just see me as an extension on him. Not me as my own person. His personality was so large that he overshadowed me. No one knew who I was and they did not even bother getting to know me. 

Jay was there for one of my worst days... it was a 9 and not quite a 10, but he was there for me when no one has ever been.

Although to be fair, the first time I tried when I was 18, I did wake up to Errol standing there next to my bed in the hospital. Second time was Ed and nope, wasn't there, but that paramedic hitting on me was the icing on that cake. Third time was 2 years ago and no Allan. He wasn't worried even when I came home and all those days after Allan died... I didn't know how to ask anyone to be there. 

"'You'll suffer for as long as you allow yourself to suffer.'"

I am not sure why this is finally sinking in. The more that I recall 4/3 months in the past when Allan was sick and dying... I am only torturing myself... blaming myself... I really have to let go of that guilt and realize no matter what I do right now, today will not change the outcome. He will still be dead, I will still have an entire group of people who are mad and angry for no other reason than I am not living up to their impossible standards. 

So instead I have to choose to be happy. I have to. I can't keep letting myself slip into that darkness. It will be on the edge of my consciousness but I can push it out. I have to remember that I could not save him all on my own, he should have gone to the doctor a week before when we asked him to, he was an adult and he made the decision to not go, he only went to the ER because I forced him and called 911. If I had gone to work that day, I could have come home to him dead. That is the truth and the reality I need to remember.  I did what I could for him and I was there almost every day he was in the hospital even though mentally it was killing me as well as physically. 17 days... I was there, not eating not sleeping. Barely surviving. It did not change anything, he still died even though I was there. Zsa was only there at the end because then suddenly she got it through her head he was dying. 

I did not chose the life I have now... this was not what my life was supposed to look like. I never imagined this. 4 months ago if someone told me I would be with Jay Martinez and happier than you have ever been in 30 years, I would have laughed in their face and called them crazy. 

I did not see him coming into my life the way he has. He is right about a lot of what he had to say... I have to think about what it means to be in his family and being a Martinez because I want that more than I can express. My decisions now are going to be based on how they will help our relationship and our future because as much as change is hard, I am going to be what he wants and deserves. Having our first real bump in our second round of this relationship has been eye opening... and anxiety inducing. 

My therapist made sense when she said of course I lashed out the person closest to me. That is what we all do as humans when we are in pain but I have never done that before to anyone besides my kids, because I never loved Ed or Allan the way that I love Jay. As much as I had to learn to moderate myself with my kids, I need to do this with Jay too. Jessica even mentioned yesterday that she has always known me to be mean... EYE ROLL... because I am parenting, I had to be the authoritative parent, Ed never understood follow through. As much as I was sweet and innocent when I was 21, I have been through hell and back at age 51. I have a sharp tongue and wit, I know I can cut people down and I cannot undo what has been done or said. 

Everyone has bad days and my having one bad day in 2 months considering what I have been through, well she said that's pretty amazing. I should be proud that I have been able to moderate my emotions for so long and with all the triggers I had, its not shock I finally snapped but I need to regulate my interactions when I do snap and instead of taking it out on Jay or the kids, I need to tell them I am having a bad day. I have to keep track of my emotions and I am... daily every few hours. I also need to remember that when it gets like this, massages help me through them. Pain for some reason gives me all the endorphins I am missing from the SSRI medications. Getting waxed, massage and those cysts deciding to explode yesterday... I needed all of that pain in one day. Sometimes I wish I could cut myself which I know would give me those endorphins I need but I can't imagine marking my skin intentionally and possibly getting infections. Nope, not for me. 

Thankfully the damn hives are finally GONE! 

Today really is a 1.5 I cannot say its a 1... I am sure there will be better days than this but overall its a pretty good day. Background check is finally done, I have an interview, my neck and back are still in pain from the massage (which is a good thing). 

"Even in your grief, you are allowed to be happy"

I have to forgive myself for being happy. I have to forgive myself for moving forward in my life. 

I am moving beyond the past few months... and letting my past be that, my past and not drag it into my future and as much as people want me to be sad and miserable. I do not want that. I want to be happy, and I have been. Yes I will have sad moments, but they have to be just that, moments. I need to remember my coping skills and move beyond the sadness because unlike a lot of people, that sadness becomes darkness and that darkness can lead to my death. Not just suicide but also my health and heart. I want to live I want to see where Jay and I are headed. I want to eventually fix what is broken between Jerrolyn and I. I need to be here for Jessica. She above all of them needs me the most.  

I am excited to see what our lives will look like, hell Jessica is excited to see where we will be in a year. She is so happy about Jay, I do not even think he understands how much she needs him. To be honest, she needs him more than I do. Somehow I have to figure out how all three of us can spend more time together. We talked about our lives last night, after I took her to starbucks and she was so worried that we were in a bad place and she wanted to be sure we were back on track. When I asked her about watching Marley, her eyes lit up, she did not care about the money, just that Jay and I were still doing good. Not that the greedy brat won't take it, she is invested in this relationship. 

Its been 2 months... 1 bad day. 1. Compared to what was 51 days of darkness and despair, how I survived, I am not sure. If I had known what was on the other side of those 51 days... 

That night

I don’t remember when I first fell in love with Jay. It’s possible that it was that first day when he noticed me. I already knew he was… Jay Martinez. I had been attracted to him the moment I saw him. Aomis. My 21st birthday was the first time I saw him. I don’t think he realizes why my birthday has meaning now. It’s because of Jay. 

I never pursued anyone. I wasn’t going to start with Jay and it turns out I didn’t need to. He pursued me. 

To be honest… my attraction to him was so strong. I could never say no to him, except one time. The first time he asked for my number but I relented. 

I remember picking my clothes up off his floor. Being so scared that he could wake up… 

I called Paul from the phone in the kitchen/living room…

I walked out that front door… locking it behind me. Knowing that I’d never walk through it again on some level. Walking down those steps… silently crying until Paul showed up and took me home. 

My heart was broken… I used to pray back then. I actually prayed that he’d call. Then a part of me prayed I was pregnant. None of that came true. I never prayed again after that. 

I was a mess. I could barely get through the day. School, work, Jerrolyn. Rinse repeat. 

Mike called me when he was in town, hearing we’d broken up… begged me for another chance. We ended up at Grove Shack and there he was. Jay looked right past me like I wasn’t even there… Mike knew if Jay said hi, I’d go right back to Jay. 

He didn’t. He walked right past us. My heart broke again. 

Babysitting Mike… and his friends… all of them sick and throwing up? Yeah so much for his second chance… called poor Paul again to rescue me. 

I stopped going out in Sac. Opting for Bay Area clubs and raves. Trying ecstasy for the first time… so desperate to escape my life, without Jay in it. Days became weeks… weeks become months… 

My mantra became… I’m never falling in love again. 

Looking back now… it’s true. I never did to the degree that I fell for Jay. 30 years later I’ve fallen even more in love with him. 

For 30 years I chased after this euphoria I feel only with Jay. 

August 2nd

I could breathe today. No heaviness in my chest. My heart still hurts but that’s from the meds. 

I’m dreading going to work  I think it’s affecting my sleep at this point. Even my lack of appetite… which is not any better today but I’m back to drinking protein shakes at least which is ridiculous after Jessica and I spent over $200 on groceries *eye roll*

It’s weird writing this knowing I’ll be reading this to Jay later. Not in the way that I’ll be moderating what I write just… I dunno that he will listen to me read this. I never know what the hell my brain is thinking.

I’m pretty proud that I was able to get so much done yesterday and I’m excited to get more stuff done today around the house. Finally getting the last of the life insurance to start working on the house. I think when I finish the house… I’ll fulfill the ideas Allan and I had… okay I had and he agreed with. I am proud to own this house, it may not be much but it’s mine. 

I haven’t heard from Charlie. I’m sure on Thursday I’ll get more details from Chelle. I know I need to be focusing on me because that’s going to hit me the hardest. I’ve said everything I needed to say though and I’m at peace with the idea of losing him… I didn’t get that with Allan. It just sucks knowing that I can't just email him or text him anymore, I mean I can, I just won't get a response anymore. 

The insomnia is back too… It feels like I’m right back where I was 2 months ago before I messaged Jay. No appetite, insomnia, my heart aching. All the progress I made, gone. Is this going to happen every time I’m hit with another wave of grief? On the plus side I have lost 40 pounds now.

If that’s the case… why even work so hard to get back to where I was if I know it’s going to just push me back to where I started? I don’t want to be wide awake… I don’t want to upset everyone when I’m not hungry. I don’t want my heart to hurt like this. 

Now that I’ve been up for 3.5 hours… I think I know what’s hitting me the hardest. I had to clean my house while talking to myself constantly but I had mentioned it Jay before. I’m starting completely over again. 

I’m losing friends and family. I did it before when I left Ed, yes. To be honest if I’d left Allan this would be a lot easier for me because then I would have KNOWN I was going to lose them. I know that even if Jay and I had started a year from now or even 5 years from now… they weren’t my friends and family. They were Allan’s. I’ll get to keep a few. But the rest? I’m letting them go as much as they already let me go. 

I can’t hold on to people who aren’t there for me and weren’t there for me. I have to deal with my own family barely being around. Turning off my Facebook and Instagram… while really reevaluating my life and the relationships worth maintaining. I don’t need a lot of friends… I’ve had Jessica step in for years now… I’m going to stick to that. Just like I’ve always done. I have Chelle, Maria, Lisa and Patrick. Sinead in Idaho. Robin at work and of course and most importantly, Jay. When I need things to do… I can go back to Zumba and restarting my business. 

I’m going to let go of my past. I’m getting rid of the last of Allan’s items… keeping a few items for the memorial to give to his friends. Letting Zsa and Randy keep his ashes. I’m sure they don’t want me to have them anyways. 

I hate this job more than I can even say... Randy, my boss walked past me, without a single word to me. Not one single person ever walks by without some kind of a greeting, but him? Not a word. I HATE IT HERE. Hell even the old man Paul is teasing me about taking time off. I wish I could work here without Randy being here. I really do like almost everyone else. Feeling invisible... seriously I think its one of the things I fear most. Not being seen. I never realized that before. Guess that is something new I never thought about. Of course Randy can see me when I am crying at my desk, which of course I started that again because of him. I really hope all of these emotions eventually settle down and are not always ready to bubble up

He loves me. That’s all that matters

Promise

 It is easy to tell you the promises I want to make...

I know that showing you that I am willing to keep those promises is what you need. 

Yesterday you asked if I made the reservations for Sausalito, my intuition is screaming that you want to cancel that weekend which means you are probably going to cancel the weekend of your friends getting their chips. As sad as that makes me, I understand on some level why, but tell me now and not later. I overthink things and as much as I tell myself I am overthinking this, a part of me is also saying, well that's what happens when you say things and hurt someone. 

I promise to hold myself accountable for how I treat you, I can't promise I will always be perfect or I won't sometimes say the nicest things, I am human and I know I will make mistakes. However, I will recognize when I make those mistakes, not make excuses for my mistakes but learn from them and grow from them. 

I promise to be the person you want. I am going to do whatever it takes because you matter to me, in every way possible. I can't imagine my life without you and I do not want to regardless of what my therapist says. 

I promise to take care of myself first and not push aside my own health issues in deference to yours. 

August 1st

I destroy what I build. 

I do this because I don’t believe I deserve what I build, mostly because I’ve convinced myself I’m a horrible person. 

The only ones who stay are the idiots who have no options but me. 

Now, what was once my sanctuary, my bubble, safe from the real world, has now become just another part of my life. No longer safe, no longer a bubble to escape to. Why? Well because I did what I always do. I destroy. 

It makes me sad… laying here at 2 am. Unable to sleep because the sanctuary is gone. All those thoughts and emotions are all here with me. I’m not even sure I can rebuild the trust I broke. I’m not even sure I deserve the chance to mend what I broke. If Jay was smart, he’d just let me go. I can’t even remember what I said or what in the hell I was thinking. 

I know I’ve had that blind rage hit me before… I didn’t even know I had it in me… it scares me. It terrifies me actually. That momentary loss of control. It makes e want to hide under the covers… wait for it to roll over me. Why did I answer the phone? For a split second I remember telling myself to not answer. 

No. I answered and destroyed. 

I know I can’t undo what’s been done. He’ll never see me the same way. I don’t blame him. The last night I was with him and he was blind with his own anger. I walked away. To be honest what he said was a lot worse, what he did physically still scares me. The flashbacks are decreasing. 

The scary part. My heart hurts again. I’m not sure what this episode did but it definitely hurts. Even right now at this moment… I can feel that same sharp pain. I did that. To myself. Pretty sure I just broke my own heart again. I wish I could sleep. Turn off this brain. 

July 26th

 I am always shocked by how much my life has changed

Tomorrow will be 3 months since Allan died. Going on 4 months since he originally started getting sick.

I am shocked by how much I love Jason. I am amazed at how different our relationship is, in every way possible. I can feel myself opening up to him more and more. Walls are coming down faster and faster.