June 30th

1 month. 

In one month, I’ve fallen in love. 

I’ve been loved in return

I’ve found the person I was always supposed to be with. To be honest, I think I’ve always known this on some level. I added him on Facebook and made sure I cleared the past up. 

I know exactly what direction my life is going in, towards Jay. 

I was alone and lost for one month. Only and just one month. 

And of course, I’ve found someone who at least tries to match my sexual energy… while enjoying sex with me as much as I enjoy having sex with him. I know that’s not the most important thing but after two sexless marriages, I was thinking that I’d end up with a 20 year , because no one my age could keep up with me.  Yet, here he is… that truly seemed not only impossible but also improbable. I can’t wait to feel his mouth on me today. 

I fell in love with him 30 years ago. I never got those pieces back. I left parts of my heart with him the night I walked out of his room to have Paul take me home.

If I had not loved him then, I do not think there would be anything more in me to give him today. 

"Not a woman in this room could tear his gaze away. I want to be that for someone. I want someone to FEEL that way about me. But I want him to almost lose control in his thirst for me. I want him hungry. Desperate for me."

OMG if that is not Jay, I do not know what is. 

June 29th

He asked me how long we’ve been together last night. I was unsure I heard him so I asked him to repeat it. Lol he just said you heard me 🙄😂 Ass. Less than a month. Almost one month depending on when we’re starting the count… The day I messaged him or the hotel day. 

I guess the day it started. Tomorrow is one month. 

I cannot shake the thought off us always being together one day. What that would look like. I don’t even know what my routine would look like, much less always being with him. I have a feeling I’d be more… feisty as he says. Pushing those boundaries. Always testing him. It’s fun. Especially saying no. 

So there is still a song that triggers memories of Allan. Drake Best I Ever Had... Wow was that a strong one. Won't be listening to that song anytime soon, not that I even like the song anyways. 

I love how Jay refers to his place as my home too. I think at one point he said home was wherever he was, for me. For now I still like having my own place as well as being on my own but I also hate being apart from him. I feel my need for independence slipping away from me. I like the idea of being able to rely on him. To need him and want him. I’ve never needed anyone. But I do need Jay. I don’t want to be some crazy psycho either

June 28th

 Yeah for Wednesday... I swear the weeks go by slower and slower. Trying to keep myself busy does help the time go by faster. I love him so freaking much... it really does surprise me, especially with how much he challenges me and pushes me right out of my safe zone. To be honest, I knew I could love him, I did not know he could love me. Or that I was everything he wanted in someone, as much as he is everything I need in someone. I love that he is comfortable just walking around with me without anything on. I love that... because I feel like that too. I am so comfortable around him, all the time. Weird flex, but even how he pees with the door open. The familiarity, the ability to just be ourselves, all the time. 

So I told him about how my feelings have changed about marriage... and we are on the same page, again. Which I did not think would happen. It won't happen now or anytime soon but there definitely could be a day when I am a Martinez.His. Jay's wife. Yes I will work on my communication. One hick up and to be honest, I thought he understood where I was coming from. 

There is nothing about us, that does not get me heated... I was just thinking about kissing him and omg, I can barely breath. The way he sucks on my tongue and holds me captive in his mouth, I loved that before and he still does that now. Even if it does freak me out, I love how much he just fucking gets me. Of course, I love being a private emotionless person for everyone, but that he reads me, he knows me. 

Part of me loves that too. Even though it makes me break out in a sweat that I will never not be myself and authentic to him. 

He has been having a few hard days. It makes me worry for him, about him. Then you add in that he is worried about how he will treat me, and how he can be scary mean. The honest truth about that, nothing could be worse than how he treated me the last night we were together. I can't even rehash all of it, and just how cruel he was to me. I have never felt worse about myself than that night. 

What would it be like to be around him 24/7? Right now I can’t even imagine that. He asked me. 

Just have to get through today and tomorrow. Pedicure today and lashes tomorrow. 

June 27th

2 months! 

Yet all I can think about is Jay. How crazy lucky I am. How much I love him. How much I just want the next stage of our life to start but everything is still on pause. 

2.5 months. We’re official. I miss him so much. He misses me as much as I miss him. We’ve both said out loud. We need to be together. All the time. I’m grateful he feels the same way. I love cuddling him. Smelling him. Being apart is for the birds. How are we so ready to live together? We haven’t even been together for a month!!! It’s surreal how this is going… 

He picked the room he will be living in based on what he thinks I will like. I’ve never been with someone who conscientiously is always considering, me. I’m amazed at the lengths he is willing to go to, plus his openness about his feelings for me. He truly loves me. He absolutely wants me. I love that I boost his confidence too. 

June 26th

 New day and all... I was happy to see Monica and Sam last night. I cannot believe Monica is moving already. Where did June go?

Had dinner with Glenn and Amy, they will be in ATL this weekend. 

I do not know how or even if I will ever be able to fully process yesterday, I have no more clarity now then when I saw it. I see it as Allan NOT approving of this... why would he? He always worried this would happen anyways and then after us becoming more real as Jay says, is this what I want in a relationship? I have never felt more exposed and vulnerable than I do with Jay. I am almost 99% sure this is what scared me most about him before. I don't like being so readable, to anyone, but the truth is also, no one has ever loved me with the intensity of Jay. I cannot have the love I want, the relationship I want without him being able to read me better than I can read me. He knows this, I also know this even if I do not like it. To be honest, my first instinct is to run, because that is what I do when a relationship gets like this, I know I have little to no control. That there, that is the decision. Stay or run. Right now, this is the only moment I get to contemplate this. It would not be fair if I did this at any other time. After the incident it would make sense and I know Jay won't fight it. Who can he argue against? Allan? If I determine that Allan is against this, against me and Jay, then he and I are done. That's it. That simple. 

The truth is, I would never find someone even remotely like Jay. Not in his intensity, not in how he wants to take care of me, not in the love he is offering. I would be giving up the one person, ever, to love me, to complete me. He is so direct... so intent on me, but it is also different because he is also demanding the same from me. He is just not accepting what I have to give without me giving it all to him. As much as I want to be all of this to him, he has to give me a little more time to adjust, I do not think Jay can even kind of understands how much I have to open myself up to him, something no one has ever asked from me before. NO ONE. Not even with how intense things could get with Cosmos and I, we were never like this. Cosmos demanded no more than what I offered and he was content.

Jay will never be happy unless I give him everything.That is where the problem is. As much as I love our relationship, am I ready for this? For it to be everything. I felt it when we started again, I was losing the edge of where I end and he begins, the lines getting blurred right away. Before I had months before we got where we are today. Time to adjust but Jay is going to keep forging ahead, demanding more and more of me, emotionally. I know he isn't pushing hard intentionally. He is pushing but I know it comes from a place of knowing me and what I need, and its a fast adjustment than I am not sure I am mentally prepared for this and I am not sure how to ask for more time to adjust. I need and want his patience but I know he also gets frustrated with me. How I bring this out in him, I do not know. He has always been ALL or nothing. 

The choice is to ignore Allan, and choose Jay. 

The choice is to be miserable and alone, or be challenged in every fucking way possible and choose to love Jay. 

To choose to open myself up, be vulnerable and exposed from the inside out, or go back to feeling nothing and having no attachment to anyone. 

Choose the easiest course or the difficult one. 

I definitely need to talk to him tonight. I need to decide. I asked for a day anything more than that is not fair. The truth is that I cannot imagine my life without Jay but is that enough reason to lose myself in him? Can I do a relationship this intense all the time? Can I live with the loss of control? Having someone see in the darkest corners?Truly trusting him with my heart and all the dark secrets that I hide in there. 

Jay asked me if I miss Allan, I know he is trying to get me past the anger stage, but I have been in this stage since the day he was short of breath on April 1st. 3 months I have been angry and to be honest even before that. I could barely stand looking at him, much less Allan touching me. So there is a lot of anger there, months and years of anger. Knowing if I had not been so complacent he would most likely still be alive today. The choice is to be mad or let the guilt completely consume me, because that will be the next stage. I can feel it lingering, especially after the hats and the dream. Seeing him in my dream and he ignored me. Then add the hats to the mix... So yeah, the guilt is there and I am absolutely sure Allan would not be happy about Jay and I... I kind of want to get past tomorrow, Allan's 2 month anniversary and talk to Jay on the 28th 

June 25th

This weekend was amazing until I messed up 😭

I don’t know if I will ever get used to him being so in tune to me seriously. No one has ever cared about my moods since him. I’ve forgotten just how sensitive he is to me. Was a cause of a lot of our arguments in the past. I don’t know how to shut that off either and I’m not even being overtly emotional. Ed and Allan both accused me of having no emotions. Hell allan would even say I was like a robot and here is Jay saying I have mood swings  wtf. 

Yeah pretty much over this

June 23

 I am so excited I can barely stand being at work but I am not going to spend the entire day texting him... lol it makes me even more nervous. So yeah... I will just text him when I am leaving. 

June 22nd

 Kaleidoscope.

I think that is the easiest way to describe how I feel. When you look through the eye hole, there are so many colors and shapes, but there also voids of color, darkness that contrasts against the bright colors that shift and move as you turn the mechanism. You can hear the soft sounds of the gems and colored glass hitting each other as they shift with movement. The absence of color, making the brilliant colors stand out even more. You need those pockets of darkness to highlight the array of colors because without them, it would just be a jumble of colors with no definition and would overall have little impact. 

The dark parts of my life are highlighting all the bright and colorful part of it. 

Rainbows are great, don't get me wrong... that band of colors, predictable in their arrangement, familiar, against a bright sunny sky after the rain, but it is just all bright colors, nothing dark but maybe a few remaining storm clouds. The rainbows come after the storm, but for me, the darkness, the colors are all intermingled at the same time, and with each turn of the kaleidoscope, the colors and darkness shifts. Sometimes more color than darkness, sometimes more darkness than color. Completely unpredictable in the patterns. That describes how I feel, every day. Not knowing if the colors or the darkness will be what rules my day and my night.

Right now, the darkness is really really trying to overwhelm me, yet again. Kind of how I felt at the moment when I reached out to Jay the first time. So over emotional with despair, that I was being impulsive.  He brings so much of the color back to my life. The hope I had lost years ago. 

To think, I thought at most, we would be friends with benefits because I knew that sexual attraction was still there, especially on my side. I would never have believed he could love me. That still surprises me every time he says he loves me, especially when he says it to me in person. All my insides just melt. 

And then, the past now, 2.5 months hits me. Even though a part of me still can't grasp how my lift changed in a blink of an eye, the finality and reality of it, I can't escape. Layered on top of this is yet another loss, looming. Won't be today or even tomorrow but its close. So close it consumes my thoughts and brings the darkness back to forefront when I thought I had banished all of that to a far corner of my mind. 

This time, I am mentally stronger and not on the verge of suicide or even wanting death. 

I am so excited for tomorrow. I miss him so much. My stomach is in knots. 

I’m so loving how that fenty outfit looks on me. He’s going to love it even more

Jay

I wanted to take a moment to not only tell you this but to remind myself how lucky I am. 

I love you. More than I could have imagined or thought possible. I’m lucky in that you and I are becoming this complex and unimaginably compatible couple. 

You are everything I could have ever wanted in a relationship and more. In fact so much more that I’m in a constant state of disbelief that this is my life. That you’re my life. 

In less than 3 weeks not only are you the center of my life, the focus of my life, but this time, I’m well aware that I’m also the center of your life. 

I fall in love with you more everyday. When I think I can’t possibly love you more than I did yesterday, I find that I can love you more and every night I am so grateful for you. 

It makes my head spin that all this started from one message. You. Us. If I had written down all the things I wanted in a relationship, in my partner, Jay not only have you met all those things I need, but you’ve made me realize now, I needed so much more. I needed you. Not once in my life has anyone ever provided me even a small fraction of what you are giving me. I was selling myself short. I wasn’t asking enough and now I’m here not having to ask because you’re giving me everything I need. 

There will be moments where this doesn’t seem real to me. That this can’t be my life. It’s not that I don’t want you or this. It’s because I’ve had some really horrible marriages. I know regret is a wasted emotion, yet, I do have regrets now. Not that you and I didn’t work things out before but that I stayed in not one but two marriages long past their expiration dates. The truth is, I wonder too if Allan would still be alive if I’d left him sooner. Maybe then he’d have cared more about himself. Maybe I’m the real reason he’s dead. 

When you asked if I miss him. I don’t. That’s very much true. I resented him and the life I didn’t ask for. The truth was, he knew he was a disappointment to me. He knew he’d let me down. He knew I wanted and needed so much more than he could give me. He told me once that if I cheated on him, it was what he expected and deserved for not being what I needed. 

I should have left him that day. 

 So there is a deep seated guilt in me. A guilt that will last a lifetime. One that whispers to me late at night… keeping me awake. Telling me I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve happiness. That I’m a horrible person knowing that I stayed with Allan because it was easier than having to admit I stopped loving him and I’m the cause of his death. 

I’m working through this. It took me nearly 2 months to admit that I blame myself for his health and his subsequent death. 

So I have all this going through my mind while being loved by you so intensely it takes my breath away. I’m not sure why I’ve been given a love that people can barely imagine, much less have. Yet here you are. Mine. Loving me in ways I didn’t know were possible. 

There won’t be a day I’m not grateful for you. 

There won’t be a day I don’t fall in love with you more. 

There won’t be a day I don’t look forward to you. 

I know I still have rough times ahead. I’ve already started grieving Charlie. I have to, I think it’s the only way I don’t lose myself in all this sadness. Yes he’s here, and I appreciate the time I’ll get to say goodbye. That’s something unique to his slow procession to his own death. I can’t imagine what goes through his mind daily. The last time he battled his cancer I grieved for him then. He survived. He beat the impossible odds but not this time. 

My love for him, doesn’t take away my love for you. I’m grateful that you know this and you’re holding me through this. Listening to this. I’m sure you didn’t imagine helping me grieve through two deaths, even though I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t stick around. I know you will. I know you’ll help me through this. 

It feels like all the worst and best moments in my life are all happening at the same time. 

June 21st

Charlie's birthday. 

I am really trying to be okay with this, with him. Everytime I think about him, I want to just start crying. I just do not know how I am going to get through this. I am grateful I have Jay to be supportive but it still does not change that Charlie isn't going to survive this time. I am trying to process this. It is so different because I do get to say goodbye. I got to say everything I needed and wanted to say. I get to see him and say goodbye too, even though I will not act as if it is the last time I could possibly see him. 

He's been the example to which I have compared every other male in my life against. The ONLY cancer I have ever dated. The only guy I have dated where we stood eye to eye. The first person I went ice skating with, the person who came with me to my brother's speech competitions. The first adult male I dated for so long that never asked for and never pressured me for sex. Came super close a few times but no... never happened. Although oral sex did happen at least for him and we did everything else too. I do remember our first kiss in my garage. LOL I remember him saying I can't kiss him like that if I do not want him to throw me into the back of his truck but I kept kissing him that way, all the time. Every time. 

3 decades of friendship. I am so grateful he has been there through it all. Now I am grateful that I have Jay. To support me, to be there for me. It is so unfair to him. To have him watch my heartbreak over someone else. He is being magnanimous. 

June 20th

 September...  It is crazy to think how quickly this is not only progressing but to the point where we are official to everyone. I think it is sweet how much this matters to him. He wants everyone to know I am his. Nothing new there. I am his. Regardless of when this becomes official and he just said I could track him too. 

I still have no idea what he sees in me. I still do not feel as I am his type. To be fair, he is not really the type I go for either. I do know he loves how I look, as I do him. Physical attraction is NOT everything, important but not everything. He can always make me laugh, and he can always distract me from whatever is bothering me. I love how focused he is on taking care of me. I am so not used to this but I definitely like it. Its weird for me.

It’s going to take me a minute to get used to how well he reads me. No one can read me. Hell I can’t even read me. How tf is it he knows me better than I know me. How am I still falling more in love with him daily? Like I fell even harder today. I actually felt it happen. 

June 19th

I’m almost positive he wants us living together. I want that too. I don’t like being apart from him. I can’t even sleep without him. But he got me to sleep a lot. Not 1 but 2 naps. He was sneaky about the second one too. He just curled around me and I could not resist him and snuggled in and fell right to sleep. I do not like how easily he controls me without controlling me, its second nature to him. He also goes out of his way to read me. It is not only disorienting but disconcerting. He throws me off balance ALL the time. 

I talked to Maria/Ton last night about him. She was positive about Jay and so happy for me. When she said not to worry about Zsa since she can't even follow her own expectations... it gave me a huge boost of confidence. 

I know he doesn't like being hidden? Is that even the right word.. no.. more like not official. At least on my side but the truth is I am working on it. We are still so new... its going to take time for me to make this official. Slyly slowly one by one. God I can just imagine him sitting across from me eating at a restaurant and telling me how much he loves how I taste. He is driving me slowly mad with his comments. He is destroying my composure and he loves it. It has not even been 3 weeks yet and he is everything to me. Allan and I did not even move this fast but I know when Jay sets his mind on something, me, there is nothing that will stand in his way. Its funny that the first time he saw me, that was it for him. I knew exactly who he was. I was NOT interested even though he is gorgeous handsome and I knew I was attracted to him. Jay to be honest has never been my type and still is not. The total loss of control I have with him, his ability to not only steer me in the direction he wants but to dictate my moods, actions. My desperate need to be who he wants me to be. I keep telling myself this is not me, but I think deep down this is me, this is what I need in a relationship even though it is NOT what I would seek out. He has never really given me a choice, the crazy part is that I seeked HIM out this time. I wanted this. I wanted the loss of control and let someone else be the one in control. 

He says this is happening naturally... no relationship I have ever had before happens like this. There is reticence. Being guarded and taking our time, instead we are just not holding anything back. Its like a bowling ball rolling down a steep hill and nothing can stop it. I hope we this intensity lessens but remains bright and hot. 

I am so grateful he is taking care of himself. 

I mentioned being there for the 4th and he wants to get a reservation for Dead Fish to watch the firework because its "romantic" his words... not mine. I love him so much. That he is thinking so far ahead, for me. How could I not? I guess I am just going to try to leave his house at 530 in the morning to get to work on Wednesday. Or 6am. Lord.. help me. 

So Lisa is on board. I didn’t think I’d be able to get it all out. But she is cautiously happy for me. Wants to meet him asap. 

I’m grateful he wants to meet her too and it’s okay that she joins us on the cruise. So timeline was moved up to September. Just get past the damn celebration of life and I can move on in my relationship. That’s less than 90 days. I want that. I want him. He’s so worried he’s not going to see me. But he is. He will. I don’t want to be apart from him either. He offered to come up. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say yes now. But we have to get used to this. As much as I want to be with him all the time. That’s just not possible. Not yet. 

He’s obsessed with those panties. Lol. I’m glad that’s all he thinks about. They did their job. I’m definitely pulling out the red satin this weekend. 4 nights without him. Then two whole nights with him. Not one. Two. 

He’s so fucking sexy the way he talks to me. It’s so hard for me to accept his compliments but I love them. I love him. I’m trying to get better at it. I am. He’s got me in a constant state of arousal. Even now my heart is pounding thinking about him. 

June 18th

To say this weekend was amazing. I don’t even think that describes it fully

I love him so much. I’ve let go of all my reservations. I’m just ready to let him lead now. I just hate being apart from him. 

June 17

I wonder if he would be alive if I’d actually had left him. 

Love these super early morning sessions. 

There are these brief twinges of jealousy over Rachel. But then they go away. I am grateful she was there for Jay. I’m grateful he learned to be an amazing partner because of her. I get the best part of him now. He’s mine. I’m his soul mate. I believe that. Completely. The way we fit together, the way we were in the past. My leaving him affected him just as much as it affected him. My girls knew exactly who he was. I’ve talked about him plenty over the last few decades. 

June 16th

 I am glad he is starting to get me... adjusting to new things takes me some time. He picked up on it pretty quick. Day by day he keeps breaking past my walls. The thing is, he wants that. He wants to know everything I am thinking and feeling. I have never had someone that interested in me. Its disconcerting but it also makes me feel so wanted, in every single possible way.

Like when I did not tell him about my foster daughters knowing before Jerrolyn, and that I need to tell him. I did not think to tell him, it was a feeling but I am not used to nor have I ever vocalized all that I am feeling and thinking. I am not even sure how to begin that since I am ALWAYS thinking and feeling things. 

4 days... it took 4 days to fall in love with him again. Not just back to where we were but well beyond that. When he said he loved me... he centered himself in the middle of my life, my heart. As much as I feel like this should not have happened, I could not have stopped it. Now he is slowly chipping away at any resistance I have, any lingering doubts leaving me open and ready for everything he is offering. I can't resist him. I have never been able to say no to Jay and I have never wanted to. Even that last night... the memory becoming less and less sharp. His love is slowly and gently blurring that night in my memory. When I am with him, the memory is non existent. Then I remember the sinking feeling in my heart as I picked out my clothes from the floor, entertwined with his. Knowing that I would never, could never go back. 

He is wrong about Ed. Ed and I were NOT together at that point. It did happen but it was later. Not much later. Because Mark Mac was still part of that equation. Mark Mac and his puppy oh god so was Paul Gaultier. Paul... I forgot about those wild nights... of course that was when the ecstacy started. Right after Jay, so no... I was not with Ed right away. I had a lot more to get through. What was that other guys name.. the one who invited me to Errol's wedding as his guest. The student I was tutoring. That summer after Jay was wild. It took a lot for me to get past him. To be able to look beyond him. Pat. Cruz? I think. Wait weren't there the brothers too? I am pretty sure that was also after Jay. Maybe that was when Roel happened, it had to have been. I still do not remember him at all, I was so lost that summer. 1993... I did not settle with Ed until September/October. I was not with any of them on my birthday. So from May... June maybe until September? 

Tomorrow at this time I will be with him. It has not even been a week. I miss him so much! I have to make his keychain tonight.

Allan, every day he gets further and further away. I still feel like most of the time it never even happened. Everything that was. It feels as if it never happened. He did not exist. I know this is the grief now shielding me from the pain. I understand it and why. I know eventually it will hit me again. The realness of it. The loss. But for now… it’s

June 15th

I really need to think this through with Jay. 

Is this what I want? God yes. It’s all I want. He’s all I want. I don’t even understand it. When I saw him, my attraction to him slammed into me. I’ve never been so attracted to someone in my entire life. Not even him, before. I know he felt it too, when he mentioned the room.. 

I just needed him. Right then. Right there. When I said that walk was the longest in my life. I wasn’t kidding. When he touched me and then backed off as we walked. All of my senses became hyper focused on him. I wanted to grab him in the elevator. But focused on just breathing. Walking into that room. One step at a time. Until I turned and looked at him. That kiss will ever be imbedded into my memory and how he pushed me on to the bed... His mouth and hands everywhere but not everywhere I wanted all at the same time. 

Of course, sexual tension is something we are probably always going to be amazing at. I cannot imagine that ever getting old and mundane. It didn't in the months we were together before and we did have a lot of sex and orgasms. In fact over time it got better and better. The more we explored each other. 

It was the moments after... talking, laughing and teasing. Always drawing on my irritation and love. In one sentence he can make me so angry and yet make me love him all the more.  

Then the desire building again and again. That morning? It was exactly what I needed and he provided that to me. The bleeding was not expected and to be real, mortifying. Not a surprise since I can't even remember the last time Allan and I had been together like that. I am hopeful this weekend will be better. I do not want to bleed on his bed. I wish there was a way to avoid that... 

So back to the issue... I think when I pass the hurdle of Jerrolyn, if I do pass it, in just a month, I will let myself take the last wall. That gives us a month to get to a routine and to see where this goes. He is telling his kids this weekend. I hope they at the very least like me, if not love me, eventually. Another month... I feel bad for setting milestones without him knowing but I am sure my big mouth will tell him because I just tell him EVERYTHING. Even when I tell myself I am not going to and then all of a sudden I am telling him exactly what I said I would not tell him.   

June 14th

I don’t think I’m ever going to sleep

I definitely fall asleep. I can’t stay asleep. Not even with Jay. Nothing is the way it’s supposed to be. Allan should be here. 

He’s not

My brain is now doing this new thing. It feels as though the last 14 years did not even happen. No Allan. No marriage. Nothing. How does someone go from being every part of your day and night to nothing? 

I sold his car. I couldn’t even really look through it to take stuff out. I just didn’t want it anymore. I’m glad it’s gone. I love the car I got. 

GOD Jay gets under my skin. SUBMISSIVE? I am trying to not let it get to me but I swear he has always known how to get me beyond irritated. SUBMISSIVE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I am NOT 21 and not as stupid and naive as I was then. Gah and this good girl nonsense. I know he keeps doing it to get a rise out of me and I am resisting but I think that is going to boil over sooner than later. I keep telling myself to breath through it but I swear to god I have just about had it. I know he is waiting for me to lose my shit. Okay now that I have acknowledged it, maybe I can go a little longer ignoring the jabs and he will stop and trying something new. I know he thinks he is the only alpha but I have learned some new tricks too. 

Jesus, I am so in love with him. I am not even sure where I end and he begins anymore. Part of me is terrified to be this in love.. what in the hell am I thinking? Jay could break me... easily. He did before. Am I so vulnerable that I love him because of that? Or is it because of what we were. We were so perfect together, without everything else.. just Jay and I... but he was into so much and he could be so mean but I tolerated it because I loved him. Now here I am more in love with him than I ever was then... and he BROKE me the last time. I know he won't hurt me, I think he would hurt himself before he would ever hurt me intentionally. It has to be the lack of anti depressants that has me being this crazy. I could not handle it if he left me. I think even if he cheated on me I would forgive anything. I just need him. I guess the good part is he does know this on some level but spends his time convincing me, he’s here for me. He’s just so happy too. Telling his friends and family about me. I love how excited he is. About me. I am equally as excited about him. 

I know he’s apprehensive about Allan’s memorial. I get that. Hell it makes me apprehensive. I need him. I don’t know how I’ll survive this. 

Yep. For whatever reason I’m in flight mode with Jay. My feelings are just so intense for him. It’s not even the sexual tension now. It’s how much my thoughts are so centered on him. How much I want him to take care of me. How much I want to finally let go and let him. If he knew how close I was to finally dropping that last wall against him, I know he’d be encouraging it into happening. 

June 13th

 Even though I spent this weekend with him... all of this. Seems so surreal still. 

When he was inside of me and whispered I love you... Everything in me was suddenly centered on one thing

Him

Never would I have believed he could love me. Never. Even now I have to remind myself that was Jay. He loves me. He said it well before I did. I am grateful for him, for us. Even though I am still sore everywhere, I am missing him so much. 

Allan. He is still there in my thoughts. I was thinking today the worst moments in my life:

Allan dying

Dad dying

Grandma dying

Mom leaving me (but not her death, I still do not think that will ever impact me)

Gonzo

Ray

Florencio

Errol

Ed

Jay

I know he is technically right below Ed, but what happened with Ed was so much worse... and nothing really worse than all of these things happened so Jay barely makes it in the top 10. So why am I looking at it this way. 

He is worried that because he is going off of more medications that I need to show him some patience. I do not think he realizes that all I have is patience. 

June 12th

I’m limping. Bleeding slightly. 

But it was perfect  

Dinner didn’t happen. I saw him and my need for him and his need for me hit us both. He asked if I wanted to go up to the room. Without any hesitation I said yes. 

Being with him… was everything I remembered and better too. 

And after 3 amazing rounds we are both broken and spent  I can’t wait until next Saturday  

June 11th

Today

It’s finally here. I am so nervous and anxious I can barely breathe much less sleep. 

He’s mine. Actually mine. 30 years ago I never would have believed this was possible. I get to love him and sex him for the rest of my life. 

So I basically said good morning and I’ll see you at 5

Not texting him today is the hardest thing I’ve done. BUT I know if we were texting I’d just be more nervous. 

I like the idea of walking in. 

1 we can’t get at each other until we are in the room

2 I have a bit more control at least

3 I don’t even want to eat. Lol. So this kind of forces me to

I think I’ll only hug him and kiss him on the cheek. Nothing more. I’m excited for the moment we close the door behind us. I still have to pack up my stuff as well as makeup. Which is going on very very light. I don’t want to be looking crazy in the morning. I’ll take my meds before I go and shrooms before I leave. 

June 10th

26 hours….

Now the time is flying by. I know he is going to be busy tomorrow. I’m going to keep myself busy. 

Airport

Feet

The pop up. 

Then come home and get ready for him. I cannot believe he said he loves me. I just can’t process it. It’s just so insane. Jay. Loves me. I’m grateful and appreciative and I so want to say it back. Tomorrow. In person. 

I adore him. He is sweet. He is emotional. He’s connecting with me in every single way. 

10th. Allan’s 40th day

It’s believed that today is the last day you’re here

I know in the beginning I could feel you sometimes. 

After I found the photos? You’re gone. I haven’t felt you or heard you. You broke my heart. I know people keep saying he forgot he kept them. I know you. You did not forget. 

I let you go weeks ago. I had to. If I kept holding on like I was my heart in all of its misery would have gotten worse. 

You’ve made me doubt every part of our marriage. I guess I should be grateful. The truth is, finding those photos has helped me move on. I don’t know what you would think of Jay. Or of us. Knowing you, you’d be cool with him. 

You’ve always assumed I’d move on or cheat on you. So I know you’d accept this as fate. 

I guess I do too. 

I’m sorry he and I almost are starting the same way we did. Except you reached out to me. I had no real intention of this happening. I knew it could be possible. 

But I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t know he’d admit to loving me, because that wasn’t the Jay I knew. I was handed Jay but all sparkly and new. New attitude. New outlook on life. More open about his feelings. He will never be the emotional person you were. I’m sorry I feel relief in that. But you know you could be a lot. 

And I do and always will love you. I just wish you had loved yourself as much as I loved you. 

I talked to Zsa today. Even Viv. I’m going to stay close to them. I just hope that when the time is right when I introduce Jay. He’s accepted. I know that he doesn’t care. But I do. I’d really like him to be accepted into the group and especially that Ed is not. 

It’s important that your friends and family like him and that I can still be close with all of them while still having a relationship with him. 

June 9th

Sunday

Days away. It’s Friday!!! 

I can’t wait! I hope by next Friday I can start staying at jays place. The plan is that every Friday I’ll go straight to his place after work. Dinner and all the sex. 

I am glad today and tomorrow will be busy for me... Distractions to get through the next few days until I can see him. I know he is going to see it as me pushing him away but I need the space to remember this is not going to be the same relationship we had last time. I am not going to let him dominate over me all the time. Once in awhile is always acceptable but I need to have control of this relationship too, so I do not become so tightly wrapped up in him again where I do not know where I begin or end because he is the center. 

Part of me wants that again too... she is there quietly pleading for me to let Jay take over. 

But she made horrible decisions... and some I am still dealing with. So that Jenn, the one that let Jay take over and even let him hurt us, and yes she is a different person from me, she is staying in the background. 

I never thought I could love someone like this. It is terrifying only because I know I can lose myself in him. So easily. I also can't imagine someone actually meeting all my needs. No one has been able to really keep up with me. Everytime I think of him, god, I can barely breath. I know how intense this is going to be, how could it not? 

I was not sure if he would remember pulling my hair and everything else fun that went with that but oh, yes, he did. How were we so perfect together but yet could not find a way to make it work? I mean besides the "jobs" he had.What it really comes down to, I took him for granted. I thought I could find someone who could be all that he was BUT without the risk of his side businesses and his actual temper. 

I wish I could find the letter that Lulu and I had going about him. I need to keep looking for it. I never left Jay for Ed... if he had not treated me like that the last night... I really do not know what would have happened. If he had come to me in love instead of anger, my god, I would have walked through fire for him. I did not feel like he loved me. He never once said it. I thought I was just some girl he was fucking. Yes, I went home with him every night, yes I was at his place every day after school but what value does that have? There was plenty of time I was not there. 

He could not give me the security I needed. He did not tell me he loved me. Never, not once. I would not assumed he did either. I had been used and tossed too many times. How... how could I have gotten him to admit it? Back then, I do not think I could have. His ego was crushed... Meanwhile my heart broke into so many pieces that I would rather be with someone I could not love, ever. Because it was safe. 

Not sure if meant to say it. 

But he did. 9 days. 

Commitment

 I want to spend the rest of my life with you. As your best friend and life partner. Not just or only your girlfriend. You are the rest of my life. I don’t need marriage or to have your last name. We’ve done that before with others. We know what we have is not only special, and unique but so intense the fire between us can't burn out. 

Right here right now. I promise to be yours Jay. 

I have spent my entire life, trying to fill the holes in relationships. Knowing a relationship could give me everything I need. I knew this because you did that. Our relationship filled me in every way possible. I was protected, loved, cared for and all of my needs were fulfilled. 

When I walked away I thought I would be happier somewhere else, I spent decades realizing that what I wanted did not exist in anyone else, because what I need to be happy, is you. 

There will be no one else… I will be faithful to you. To us, until death. 

You take my breath away. You hold my heart in your hands. You make me excited to wake up every morning and knowing that you love me soothes my fears at night. 

I promise to tell you what I need, and to let you be there for me. I promise to let you take care of me and protect me. I will provide you everything you need and more, I will take care of you and protect you. 

If something happens to me before you, you have my permission to move on. I want you to be happy. 

I want you. I want us. I fell in love with you when I was only 21 and I did not know how important you were to me then. Almost 30 years later, the impact you had over my life proves how important you were in my past, my every day now and my future. 

I love you Jason Bruce Martinez

June 8th

Soulmates

Jay said that. I always thought mine was Cosmos. But how could he be with how shitty he treated me. 

I guess I get hung up on Cosmos and I matching #1 across all the zodiac charts. 

Jay is a better fit. That would elevate both of us. Why I think I’ll search for him after death.

I love how we are growing closer every single day. We are building up the sexual tension but is more than that. 

I love Jay.  I love him so much.  

I thought I would be waking up to a good mood...

But no, not today. 

I cannot forget how Allan had photos of ex girl friends in his fire box. September of last year. That was when he intentionally put those photos in there. Not one of me. Oh no... not even our wedding.

It was bad enough I had to find full fucking albums with ex girlfriends before & after me but then you ADD that on top of it. I still look through his phone trying to figure out if he did cheat on me, and if he did with who. AND if he did, was that why he basically ignored me for years?

It makes me mad and sad all at the same time and maybe all of this is just the grief and I am another wave. I hope this is what that is. 

Great we got a check for an overpayment... Now I have to call them to change it. WTF

June 6th

Love. 

“I love our relationship”

“I think I’m falling in love with you all over again”

His words. 

I want the commitment before I’m naked. 

I want to spend the rest of my life with you. As your best friend and life partner. Not just or only your girlfriend. You are the rest of my life. I don’t need marriage or to have your last name. We’ve done that before with others. We know what we have is not only special, and unique but so intense the fire between us can't burn out. 

Right here right now. I promise to be yours Jay. There will be no one else… I will be faithful to you. To us, until death. 

You take my breath away. You hold my heart in your hands. You make me excited to wake up every morning and knowing that you love me soothes my fears at night. 

I promise to tell you what I need, and to let you be there for me. I promise to let you take care of me and protect me. I will provide you everything you need and more, I will take care of you and protect you. 

If something happens to me before you, you have my permission to move on. I want you to be happy. 

I want you. I want us. I fell in love with you when I was only 21 and I did not know how important you were to me then. Almost 30 years later, the impact you had over my life proves how important you were in my past, my every day now and my future. 

I love you Jason Bruce Martinez

I need to learn how to let him take care of me. That was easy, before. I loved him doing things for me before. Then my dad died and I was left without him, then my grandmother the only person who could take care of me, was me. I know he is sincere... I know how much he wants to take care of me, how much he needs to do that for me. Just not sure I can just let him, and secretly there is a part of me so excited for him to take care of me. Knowing that I will be taken care of, loved and protected. Especially protected. I have NEVER felt more safe than with Jay. I love how I do things to him he has not felt in years. Me, I am doing that. With only words. 

I definitely feel like Sunday will be interesting. Kissing him, I wonder how we will resist tearing each other apart. When he talks about all the things he wants to do... it makes every part of me throb for him. When we talk about the time before... and the nightclubs and me always going home with him. Everytime after we would have sex, after school more sex. We had a lot of it in that short amount of time. I know he is worried about his performance... he could not possibly disappoint me. If if he cums quickly I KNOW he will make sure I am taken care of. Him loosing himself to me? That is a compliment. It is even more of a compliment how he is responding to me. Being so turned on. 

So lets go over the after the ceremony... I hope I can write this all out.

I am going to let him kiss me. Then tell him he needs to sit on the bed with the blind fold on after he turns off the lights. 

I will go and change brush my teeth and climb on his lap. Then I will explain the rules: Really only one, he can't touch me unless I tell him to. 

I want to start with light kisses. Then begin nibbling on him. Talking him through it. Whispering my need in his ear. Rubbing against him. Not kissing him quite yet. 

Then I want to kiss him... holding him against me. Pressed as close as possible. Telling him he can touch me now, lightly... no mouth just his hands. Then I can stand up, pulling down the nightgown, letting him go at my breasts. First his hands, teaching him how to roll my nipples. While his mouth is on the other one sucking nibbling, biting and pulling. Then I want his fingers inside of me. When I can't stand anymore I am going to push him down on the bed and climb on his face.. God Do I want to do that again so badly. But I need to slowly and softly kiss him from his feet to his face. Undressing him. Touching him everywhere lightly. 

June 5th

 A year... I know its not only doable but I think we have to. 

Zsa. 

She will not understand. Not even after a year. Not even after 5 years. She won't understand... even a decade from now. Based on their friend who's husband committed suicide. 

And now I am trying to figure out how he can be at the celebration of life. I know I am going to need him there. I will feel safer and more confident but is that fair? An entire evening about my husband. I know he wants to be here for me... 

Not just roses. But all the roses. Long stem. 

His note was Love Jay

Love.. I’m so sunk into him. Even if I thought about backing out, I couldn’t. I don’t want to

The tag said Love, Jay

I put it away so fast. 5 days. I was already falling for  him on day one. 

4 days. I just have to get through that. I can’t sleep at all

What am I getting myself into? Seriously Jenn. Jay is an alpha through and through. Not only that but he ALSO knows it. It makes my stomach fill with butterflies. Our chemistry is what romance books are based on but here I have it, in real life. 

It makes me sad... Allan and I had it for barely a year and then it all changed... It is not a comparison and lord, Allan was the furthest from an alpha I have ever been with. I was the alpha 100% but now I here I am deep in the intertwining of an alpha. I do not want to lose myself into him and I need to remember he is not the one in charge. At least not the only one. 

His ego... He was crushed when I left him supposedly to Ed. He would not be able to withstand the thought of me being with anyone else. He is so consumed with the idea of me being able to get anyone I want. He is missing the point that I do not want just anyone. I want this incredibly dominant alpha to rule over my life again but I also need him to bend to my will too. Not sure how to balance this. I was not good at it before but I also did not know myself as well as I do now. I know that I need him to be chasing me. No games but I need him basically desperate for me, as much as I am for him. 

So I called him, wasn't sure I wanted to today (bad mood and all).

Well I woke up in a bad way, today is not going to be a good day. Jerrolyn and I already got into it. She invited me to a blueberry festival on Facebook. I don't know I do not pay attention to those things, I get so many notifications. I cannot keep track of them, then I go to ask her about it and she is snapping at me that its already sold out. 

WTF if she wanted to go why did she not call me or text me about it? Sometimes I want to delete the app and then add to this she is trying to convince me to take a huge pay cut to take a position at the state. Yeah no thanks. I am going to have to pass even though she is arguing to me about it. 

OMG I just realized Allan reached out to me on FB and I reached out to Jay. 

Way too many things are the exact same. I am going to stay here at work a little while longer and then I am leaving early and going to bed and hiding under the covers. I just want to sleep today away now and start over tomorrow. 

*Okay I have an idea... I need to write this out to fulfill this. This would happen when we are together, the hotel room. 

The door closes to the hotel room and we look at each other. 

"Do you want me?" I will ask him and undoubtedly his answer will be yes... "Then tonight, I need you to do whatever I want, ask. I want to be in control, tonight. To erase that last night, can you do that? Give me full control?"

I am sure he will respond immediately physically. I want the first time to be memorable, for us both and truly forget that night. 

I would tell him I am going to change first, and I have bought something to wear. I would tell him to not take off anything except his shoes... Stay in his clothes. 

I would change and get ready. 

Walk out, lights still on. I am sure whatever I decide to wear, he will love it. I want him to sit in a chair or on the bed. "No touching me until I say you can and you can only respond to me kissing you, no grabbing me or pulling or pushing me" I would climb up on his lap. Take his face in my hands, and ask "Do you trust me?" I know the answer and the next question is "Do you love me?" 

I do not know the answer to that but I need it because I think the answer is yes. 

I would then gently kiss him on the lips. Then I would ask him "Do you want me?" I know the answer to this. 

"Do you want to show me you love me, with your mouth, your touch and your body?" I know the answer again, I would get up and turn off the lights... 

Climb on him again, "Then show me".

June 4th

I can’t believe that two times in my life. From my past, I’ve found love. 

Not just love but a love that I know will last. Because with Allan, it was everything. 

J. Is not only everything, but we are even more compatible even with one huge difference. J. is going to also be taking care of me. Unlike with Allan and I where I took care of us, J and I are equals. I think the more we discuss, the more we agree. This relationship will be everything I’ve ever wanted. So even though the texting is driving me mad because off how much I want him, I know we are building a relationship, foundations for us. Telling him what I need. What I want before we’ve even begun. 

I also know if for some reason he can’t perform sexually. He’s going to do whatever it takes for me to be satisfied. It’s going to take a lot. My entire body is on fire. 

His ego. I know he surpresses it. But I always thought that made him even more sexy. His confidence… he’s reminding me of my own. He’s killing my with it. I remember being able to pull any guy I wanted. 

That’s just not me. Not anymore. 

I know happiness is not found in multiple partners, lovers and affairs. It’s found in deep emotional connections. I want a life long love with someone who checks off all my boxes. 

I can tolerate his having children especially since mine have become obsessive. I won’t be marrying him so I won’t be third wife. Those were the only two things that weren’t checked off but I need to get over that. 

Goddess please. Give me a life long love that fills my needs and my wants. 

June 3rd

OMG. Now I can’t sleep for wanting Jay. It’s not just wanting. I need him. 

I always loved having sex with him. Always. In fact he set that bar pretty high. He always made sure I came once or twice. 

So 3 things. Sitting on his face while he’s eating me

Two orgasms from sitting on him then reverse Cowgirl. Within minutes of each other

69 

He’s everything I need. One year. One year of seeing if this is it. We can make commitments to each other eventually. Marriage. Never. But we can do a commitment ceremony and wear rings. 

I’ll be sending the text soon. I like the idea of all of our firsts being intentional. Full of thought and what we’re building. 

Allan had this chance but he is impatient and impulsive. Jay is much more laid back. I love his texts.

I cannot believe how stupid Ed can be. 

I loved talking to him today. J… he reassured me. He misses me. Gahhhh how did I already fall for him? 

June 2nd

 I cannot believe it has been 14 years today since I left Ed.

Thank God I did. I am grateful that reuniting with Allan gave me the final push I needed to get the hell out of there. I know how much he hated the idea of breaking up our marriage but honestly, it needed to happen. 

I slept last night. Like actually slept. Of course I still took my edibles because I am me but I still slept really well. Jay helped significantly 

I like the idea of us just being friends and whatever comes with it for a full year. June 1st of next year if this is still going on, then we can define us. I still do not want to ever get married again, I want to die a Salaver but I would like to have a life long commitment if I find the right person. I give myself a year as Allan's widow... and will continue to be but I do not want to do this life alone. If it happens to be Jay, great and if it is not... then I know I am at least open to the idea of it. 

I want to see him but I get anxiety at the idea of it too. It's like a replay of mine and Allan's relationship and I worry I have this to all fall into place like it did with us. Allan and Jay are not alike. Our relationships are not the same. Allan and I had a short lived relationship with no real mistakes...

Jay and I were riddled with issues and mistakes. His insane jealous streak which really did scare me. I know he was diagnosed with a true mental illness and is medicated now so there is a great chance that he will be good if not better. So I am hopeful that we can be friends in person too and not just over via text. 

That there have been others interested in him, but he was not interested at all in them, that speaks volumes. He is ready to move  but I know he wants a second chance, with me. Be it as friends or whatever. I want to give him that chance to prove himself. I know we could have been better if things had been different. I do wonder if his alpha personality is gone. I hope some of it is still there. Not like it was but there was a fierceness to him, this overpowering pull. We both acknowledged it yesterday. 

My hope is that we both make this meaningful. In every way possible. 

I guess him taking me out to dinner will show me how much and how meaningful I am to him. I hope our first second date will be amazing. 

So I’m not sure how we jumped 10 spaces forward. 

Yes we both want a relationship. Yes we both want sex. No we aren’t getting married. Yes he likes to travel. Yes he still loves giving oral. 

June 1st

 Yesterday was such a bad day for me. Reading our emails and I broke my own heart... 

So I did something that could be stupid, I reached out to my ex Jay Martinez. His wife passed a year and a half ago. So I know he knows what I am going through, or as close as anyone can. 

Texting him now, fills this void you left. I am not sure where or if this is anything... I am pretty sure it could be. Even if its just friends with benefits... I think I just need some help with filling some of the voids. Is that wrong? I know I am actually single now. So before I meet him in person... let me just clarify here in my thoughts what I want. 

Friends with benefits... I loved having sex with him. And I want a physical relationship without any of the trappings of a relationship. Jay is very sweet now, but I know he can be a jerk and maybe time has tempered him but the possibility of having an alpha male in my life who can make some of the decisions FOR ME at least for now, would be a welcome change. I am tired of driving this car... it will be nice to let someone else drive it for awhile so I can just relax and not feel like every decision is on me.I know I get to do whatever I want... I get to hook up or not hook up or whatever. Allan and I have not had sex in actual YEARS. I can barely remember the last time. 

Then there is Jay, who I felt a small spark with 7 years ago. I was the one who got away and he wishes he had taken me more serious... AND he knew I would never lie to him. I still would not. So at least I could be honest about my marriage with Allan, the issues, the lack of sex for the past decade. Now I am not in a sexless nun like marriage. The toys are fun but they won't be enough forever and to be fair Allan assumed I would have cheated on him which I did not then... weird when he said that too. 

I really just want companionship... the texting already makes me feel less alone. I am horrible at being single. I always have been. But I will remain single... even if we possibly do end up hooking up. Second marriage for him too... so I think at least we can both agree that marriage is not required. Not for a third round. 

The truth is I do want Jay, at least in my mind and maybe in person that attraction will be gone but it wasn't when Allan and I ended up back together, if anything it was stronger and that scares me too. I had a much deeper and more meaningful relationship with Jay, I loved him. I did love Jay. Our chemistry was amazing and if I can be honest, I am over that last night with him. I got it out and forgave him for something he did not even remember doing. If I even have a slight opportunity for amazing sex like we had in our 20s, hell I will take it. I remember how much we both enjoyed oral sex... 69 was definitely a thing as well as reverse cowgirl.... the orgasms he gave me... whew... And the double orgasm which only happened with him. Oh god and sitting on his face. Jay loved giving me oral sex. I don’t remember a time that he wouldn’t start off with that. Making sure I came first. 

I guess I am hoping there will be that intensity. The chemistry... it was there for Allan and I ... I so desperately want it there for Jay too. Again, I am not replacing Allan but I just want that connection with someone. So I do not feel so alone. I do not think it is too soon. Allan and I had been just roommates for years, and I loved him. I would never have left him and as sad as I am for the loss of him, I guess in my own way I am ready to move on.