I am glad he is starting to get me... adjusting to new things takes me some time. He picked up on it pretty quick. Day by day he keeps breaking past my walls. The thing is, he wants that. He wants to know everything I am thinking and feeling. I have never had someone that interested in me. Its disconcerting but it also makes me feel so wanted, in every single possible way.
Like when I did not tell him about my foster daughters knowing before Jerrolyn, and that I need to tell him. I did not think to tell him, it was a feeling but I am not used to nor have I ever vocalized all that I am feeling and thinking. I am not even sure how to begin that since I am ALWAYS thinking and feeling things.
4 days... it took 4 days to fall in love with him again. Not just back to where we were but well beyond that. When he said he loved me... he centered himself in the middle of my life, my heart. As much as I feel like this should not have happened, I could not have stopped it. Now he is slowly chipping away at any resistance I have, any lingering doubts leaving me open and ready for everything he is offering. I can't resist him. I have never been able to say no to Jay and I have never wanted to. Even that last night... the memory becoming less and less sharp. His love is slowly and gently blurring that night in my memory. When I am with him, the memory is non existent. Then I remember the sinking feeling in my heart as I picked out my clothes from the floor, entertwined with his. Knowing that I would never, could never go back.
He is wrong about Ed. Ed and I were NOT together at that point. It did happen but it was later. Not much later. Because Mark Mac was still part of that equation. Mark Mac and his puppy oh god so was Paul Gaultier. Paul... I forgot about those wild nights... of course that was when the ecstacy started. Right after Jay, so no... I was not with Ed right away. I had a lot more to get through. What was that other guys name.. the one who invited me to Errol's wedding as his guest. The student I was tutoring. That summer after Jay was wild. It took a lot for me to get past him. To be able to look beyond him. Pat. Cruz? I think. Wait weren't there the brothers too? I am pretty sure that was also after Jay. Maybe that was when Roel happened, it had to have been. I still do not remember him at all, I was so lost that summer. 1993... I did not settle with Ed until September/October. I was not with any of them on my birthday. So from May... June maybe until September?
Tomorrow at this time I will be with him. It has not even been a week. I miss him so much! I have to make his keychain tonight.
Allan, every day he gets further and further away. I still feel like most of the time it never even happened. Everything that was. It feels as if it never happened. He did not exist. I know this is the grief now shielding me from the pain. I understand it and why. I know eventually it will hit me again. The realness of it. The loss. But for now… it’s
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