June 15th

I really need to think this through with Jay. 

Is this what I want? God yes. It’s all I want. He’s all I want. I don’t even understand it. When I saw him, my attraction to him slammed into me. I’ve never been so attracted to someone in my entire life. Not even him, before. I know he felt it too, when he mentioned the room.. 

I just needed him. Right then. Right there. When I said that walk was the longest in my life. I wasn’t kidding. When he touched me and then backed off as we walked. All of my senses became hyper focused on him. I wanted to grab him in the elevator. But focused on just breathing. Walking into that room. One step at a time. Until I turned and looked at him. That kiss will ever be imbedded into my memory and how he pushed me on to the bed... His mouth and hands everywhere but not everywhere I wanted all at the same time. 

Of course, sexual tension is something we are probably always going to be amazing at. I cannot imagine that ever getting old and mundane. It didn't in the months we were together before and we did have a lot of sex and orgasms. In fact over time it got better and better. The more we explored each other. 

It was the moments after... talking, laughing and teasing. Always drawing on my irritation and love. In one sentence he can make me so angry and yet make me love him all the more.  

Then the desire building again and again. That morning? It was exactly what I needed and he provided that to me. The bleeding was not expected and to be real, mortifying. Not a surprise since I can't even remember the last time Allan and I had been together like that. I am hopeful this weekend will be better. I do not want to bleed on his bed. I wish there was a way to avoid that... 

So back to the issue... I think when I pass the hurdle of Jerrolyn, if I do pass it, in just a month, I will let myself take the last wall. That gives us a month to get to a routine and to see where this goes. He is telling his kids this weekend. I hope they at the very least like me, if not love me, eventually. Another month... I feel bad for setting milestones without him knowing but I am sure my big mouth will tell him because I just tell him EVERYTHING. Even when I tell myself I am not going to and then all of a sudden I am telling him exactly what I said I would not tell him.