June 14th

I don’t think I’m ever going to sleep

I definitely fall asleep. I can’t stay asleep. Not even with Jay. Nothing is the way it’s supposed to be. Allan should be here. 

He’s not

My brain is now doing this new thing. It feels as though the last 14 years did not even happen. No Allan. No marriage. Nothing. How does someone go from being every part of your day and night to nothing? 

I sold his car. I couldn’t even really look through it to take stuff out. I just didn’t want it anymore. I’m glad it’s gone. I love the car I got. 

GOD Jay gets under my skin. SUBMISSIVE? I am trying to not let it get to me but I swear he has always known how to get me beyond irritated. SUBMISSIVE. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I am NOT 21 and not as stupid and naive as I was then. Gah and this good girl nonsense. I know he keeps doing it to get a rise out of me and I am resisting but I think that is going to boil over sooner than later. I keep telling myself to breath through it but I swear to god I have just about had it. I know he is waiting for me to lose my shit. Okay now that I have acknowledged it, maybe I can go a little longer ignoring the jabs and he will stop and trying something new. I know he thinks he is the only alpha but I have learned some new tricks too. 

Jesus, I am so in love with him. I am not even sure where I end and he begins anymore. Part of me is terrified to be this in love.. what in the hell am I thinking? Jay could break me... easily. He did before. Am I so vulnerable that I love him because of that? Or is it because of what we were. We were so perfect together, without everything else.. just Jay and I... but he was into so much and he could be so mean but I tolerated it because I loved him. Now here I am more in love with him than I ever was then... and he BROKE me the last time. I know he won't hurt me, I think he would hurt himself before he would ever hurt me intentionally. It has to be the lack of anti depressants that has me being this crazy. I could not handle it if he left me. I think even if he cheated on me I would forgive anything. I just need him. I guess the good part is he does know this on some level but spends his time convincing me, he’s here for me. He’s just so happy too. Telling his friends and family about me. I love how excited he is. About me. I am equally as excited about him. 

I know he’s apprehensive about Allan’s memorial. I get that. Hell it makes me apprehensive. I need him. I don’t know how I’ll survive this. 

Yep. For whatever reason I’m in flight mode with Jay. My feelings are just so intense for him. It’s not even the sexual tension now. It’s how much my thoughts are so centered on him. How much I want him to take care of me. How much I want to finally let go and let him. If he knew how close I was to finally dropping that last wall against him, I know he’d be encouraging it into happening.