Jay

I wanted to take a moment to not only tell you this but to remind myself how lucky I am. 

I love you. More than I could have imagined or thought possible. I’m lucky in that you and I are becoming this complex and unimaginably compatible couple. 

You are everything I could have ever wanted in a relationship and more. In fact so much more that I’m in a constant state of disbelief that this is my life. That you’re my life. 

In less than 3 weeks not only are you the center of my life, the focus of my life, but this time, I’m well aware that I’m also the center of your life. 

I fall in love with you more everyday. When I think I can’t possibly love you more than I did yesterday, I find that I can love you more and every night I am so grateful for you. 

It makes my head spin that all this started from one message. You. Us. If I had written down all the things I wanted in a relationship, in my partner, Jay not only have you met all those things I need, but you’ve made me realize now, I needed so much more. I needed you. Not once in my life has anyone ever provided me even a small fraction of what you are giving me. I was selling myself short. I wasn’t asking enough and now I’m here not having to ask because you’re giving me everything I need. 

There will be moments where this doesn’t seem real to me. That this can’t be my life. It’s not that I don’t want you or this. It’s because I’ve had some really horrible marriages. I know regret is a wasted emotion, yet, I do have regrets now. Not that you and I didn’t work things out before but that I stayed in not one but two marriages long past their expiration dates. The truth is, I wonder too if Allan would still be alive if I’d left him sooner. Maybe then he’d have cared more about himself. Maybe I’m the real reason he’s dead. 

When you asked if I miss him. I don’t. That’s very much true. I resented him and the life I didn’t ask for. The truth was, he knew he was a disappointment to me. He knew he’d let me down. He knew I wanted and needed so much more than he could give me. He told me once that if I cheated on him, it was what he expected and deserved for not being what I needed. 

I should have left him that day. 

 So there is a deep seated guilt in me. A guilt that will last a lifetime. One that whispers to me late at night… keeping me awake. Telling me I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve happiness. That I’m a horrible person knowing that I stayed with Allan because it was easier than having to admit I stopped loving him and I’m the cause of his death. 

I’m working through this. It took me nearly 2 months to admit that I blame myself for his health and his subsequent death. 

So I have all this going through my mind while being loved by you so intensely it takes my breath away. I’m not sure why I’ve been given a love that people can barely imagine, much less have. Yet here you are. Mine. Loving me in ways I didn’t know were possible. 

There won’t be a day I’m not grateful for you. 

There won’t be a day I don’t fall in love with you more. 

There won’t be a day I don’t look forward to you. 

I know I still have rough times ahead. I’ve already started grieving Charlie. I have to, I think it’s the only way I don’t lose myself in all this sadness. Yes he’s here, and I appreciate the time I’ll get to say goodbye. That’s something unique to his slow procession to his own death. I can’t imagine what goes through his mind daily. The last time he battled his cancer I grieved for him then. He survived. He beat the impossible odds but not this time. 

My love for him, doesn’t take away my love for you. I’m grateful that you know this and you’re holding me through this. Listening to this. I’m sure you didn’t imagine helping me grieve through two deaths, even though I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t stick around. I know you will. I know you’ll help me through this. 

It feels like all the worst and best moments in my life are all happening at the same time.