June 9th

Sunday

Days away. It’s Friday!!! 

I can’t wait! I hope by next Friday I can start staying at jays place. The plan is that every Friday I’ll go straight to his place after work. Dinner and all the sex. 

I am glad today and tomorrow will be busy for me... Distractions to get through the next few days until I can see him. I know he is going to see it as me pushing him away but I need the space to remember this is not going to be the same relationship we had last time. I am not going to let him dominate over me all the time. Once in awhile is always acceptable but I need to have control of this relationship too, so I do not become so tightly wrapped up in him again where I do not know where I begin or end because he is the center. 

Part of me wants that again too... she is there quietly pleading for me to let Jay take over. 

But she made horrible decisions... and some I am still dealing with. So that Jenn, the one that let Jay take over and even let him hurt us, and yes she is a different person from me, she is staying in the background. 

I never thought I could love someone like this. It is terrifying only because I know I can lose myself in him. So easily. I also can't imagine someone actually meeting all my needs. No one has been able to really keep up with me. Everytime I think of him, god, I can barely breath. I know how intense this is going to be, how could it not? 

I was not sure if he would remember pulling my hair and everything else fun that went with that but oh, yes, he did. How were we so perfect together but yet could not find a way to make it work? I mean besides the "jobs" he had.What it really comes down to, I took him for granted. I thought I could find someone who could be all that he was BUT without the risk of his side businesses and his actual temper. 

I wish I could find the letter that Lulu and I had going about him. I need to keep looking for it. I never left Jay for Ed... if he had not treated me like that the last night... I really do not know what would have happened. If he had come to me in love instead of anger, my god, I would have walked through fire for him. I did not feel like he loved me. He never once said it. I thought I was just some girl he was fucking. Yes, I went home with him every night, yes I was at his place every day after school but what value does that have? There was plenty of time I was not there. 

He could not give me the security I needed. He did not tell me he loved me. Never, not once. I would not assumed he did either. I had been used and tossed too many times. How... how could I have gotten him to admit it? Back then, I do not think I could have. His ego was crushed... Meanwhile my heart broke into so many pieces that I would rather be with someone I could not love, ever. Because it was safe. 

Not sure if meant to say it. 

But he did. 9 days.